“Several times a year I always have a situation where my brain is busy with work 24 hours a day. I just can't think of anything else. I don't stop talking to girls, but it's one thing to talk on the phone or chat online, and another thing to date. If you're going on a date, then give it your all. And here I won’t be able to get pleasure, and the girl will be offended that my head is filled with others. I’m probably one of those men who always put planes first, and I’ll ask a girl out on a date when the rush passes.”
Dmitry(33), commercial director R
Initiative is punishable
He likes me. And I also like him. And I'm sick and tired of waiting for him to ask me out. Therefore, I, disregarding the rules of decency, take the initiative into my own hands and offer to meet myself. In response I hear something incomprehensible, I am mortally offended and begin to think that the only thing I now want is to pee in his slippers out of spite.
“I am a supporter of traditional social roles. And girls feel awkward on dates on their initiative. Why would I put the girl I like in an awkward position? It’s better to refuse under a plausible pretext, and then invite her myself. And everything will be wonderful."
Anton(23), student
“No matter how idiotic it may sound, every year on December 31st my friends and I go to the bathhouse. We have been friends since school, and we have many traditions that we try not to break. Because we value our friendship. Twice a month on Thursdays we play football. And if a girl wants to meet, and I tell her that I can’t, I have football, let’s do it another time, she doesn’t believe me. But in vain."
Pavel(30), advertiser
The wind of change
He likes me. And I like him. It all started out great: he asked me out on a date. I struggled for two days with what to wear, then my hair and manicure, and he called and said he couldn’t come. He also doesn’t know when he will be able to. Sorry, service. Is the diagnosis clear? He has another, and in general he is married!
“Sometimes the truth sounds like it’s better to lie. I once canceled a date because I bought new panties and bled all over myself. What date? And when a relationship with a girl is at the candy-bouquet stage, won’t a frank explanation scare her away? And you can’t even name the date to which you are rescheduling the meeting - what if everything heals slowly? I had to talk about the evil boss.”
Andrey(31), driver
“Can a girl come on a date without makeup and in a stretched dress? Maybe yes. But she is unlikely to feel comfortable. Likewise, a man will not be able to be confident in himself if in a cafe he thinks: “If she orders cheesecake, she will pay for it herself.” I think everyone has been in this situation. I remember well how for three weeks I had to live in the “200 rubles a day and gasoline” regime. It’s clear, he put off the date and said: I have a sore throat, but you don’t need to take care of me.” Victor(25), manager
Was there a boy?
He likes me. And I like him. We agreed to meet. Half an hour has passed, and he is not there, and he is not answering phone calls. I stood at Teatralnaya for an hour, listening to the beeps on the phone, and then I went home and blacklisted his phone number. I was sure: there is one good reason why a man might not come and notify about this - he died. The hero of that novel was alive the next morning—forgiveness was out of the question. But cases are different.
“One day I came back from daily duty and set the alarm clock. Five hours until the first date with the most beautiful girl. The alarm clock didn't ring, I jumped up 40 minutes after the appointed time. I call - she is unavailable. I'm offended. I went to her house - she was not there. The next day I intercepted her at work. Fortunately, she understood everything and we have been happily married for a year now.”
Mikhail(28), doctor
Rule #22 was about "red flags" in a man's behavior to avoid the "bad guys." But a man who cancels more than once, unless it's an emergency, is such a serious risk factor that we thought it deserved its own chapter.
Women constantly ask us whether it is worth dating a man who repeatedly cancels meetings and expresses a desire to reschedule them. They say: “He sent an SMS saying that his tire was flat and asks to reschedule the meeting” or “I received an email saying that we will not be able to meet today - a friend invited him to a football match. What should I do?"
Don't think that we are overly dramatizing the situation, but canceling the meeting is the final blow! Of course, we understand that our world has become much more frivolous than before, and no one anymore makes a big deal about canceling a dinner invitation via email, turning a date at the bar into a group party, or canceling a workout with the tap of an iPhone!
But in the world of The Rules, canceling a date (unless it's a true emergency) shouldn't be taken so lightly.
A man should be able to give you a date and keep his promise, regardless of work, weather or any events happening in his life. Dating you should be sacred to him.
It should be written into his schedule in ink, not pencil.
When a man wants to cancel a date, he is able to come up with any excuse: he is sick, he is going to visit his parents, a former colleague just called him and invited him to have a drink, he suddenly remembered about a deadline at work. Women object to us, assuring us that their friend cited a compelling reason that deserves to be given a second chance. But the truth is that men don't cancel dates because they have an upset stomach, are stuck at work (it's a Saturday night?!) or because they were offered tickets to a football game at the last minute. It's much more likely that the guy is canceling the date because he's not that into you, or the girl he really likes has finally agreed to go out with him.
Alas, a woman in love believes in any excuses a man can come up with to cancel a date, because she desperately wants everything to work out. She deceives herself or looks at everything through her fingers. But over time, through more cancellations and disappointments, she becomes a nervous wreck, insecure and distrustful. In a healthy, healthy relationship, the man calls or texts, asks the girl out on a Saturday date every week, doesn't cancel or miss meetings, and the woman enjoys a sense of stability and security as a result. She can relax and go about her business.
Hannah, 28, met her boyfriend at a sports bar. 30-year-old Andrew started talking to her, and a week later they met on their first date. After that, even before Wednesday arrived, he again invited her to Saturday evening. Up to this point everything was fine. But on Friday morning Andrew wrote to her that he had to cancel their meeting because a friend from out of town unexpectedly came to visit him, and two weeks later again canceled the meeting because he “came down with a cold.” We said: “No, this is no good, it sounds very suspicious.” Hannah believed him, but we didn’t. We started asking her questions: “Saturday evening? Can't he meet his friend any other time on the weekend? Cold? Is it true? This guy doesn't inspire confidence in us; his excuses sound pretty weak. Doesn't he want to watch your eyes at dinner? Blue eyes and maybe even get better thanks to you?”
Hannah respected our opinion, but was too in love with Andrew and continued to date him, hoping we were wrong. She didn't contact us for the next two years, then emailed us asking for another boyfriend consultation. Hannah admitted that Andrew broke up with her several times because she tried to push him into getting engaged. He said he couldn't even think about marriage until he got a promotion. Two months later, he received the promotion, proposed to her, gave her a ring and set a wedding date. Hannah was happy: it was as if a stone had been lifted from her soul.
One month before long-awaited event Andrew told her he had "acute work-related panic disorder" and went to see a therapist, who agreed with him that getting married at this point would cause unnecessary stress and advised him to call off the wedding. Hannah was shocked. "What?! Cancel our wedding? You just killed me! Am I supposed to now call my bridesmaids and guests and tell them there won't be a wedding? And lose ten thousand dollars on your deposit?”
As sad as it is, this did not surprise us. Any man who can cancel one date after another is capable of canceling a wedding. But over time, Hannah became so accustomed to Andrew's excuses that she didn't even understand the significance of what was happening. She wanted to find out if there was any way to save their relationship! We recommended that she sell the gifted ring and forget about it.
Of course, the right girl rarely, if ever, finds herself in such situations. She won't tolerate a guy who cancels more than once. She does not have to suffer from anger, disappointment, feelings of betrayal, or make up excuses for a man, trying to understand what is really happening to him.
Kelly, a junior in college, told us that a guy she'd been dating for a few weeks texted her saying he couldn't go to a party with her on Friday night because he had a fraternity meeting. This pretext seemed far-fetched to us. Kelly assured us that this was not the case - he dreamed of becoming fraternity president. We advised her not to respond to him and to find another date for the party. Indeed, a week later he announced their breakup and began dating another girl. Canceling a meeting under a flimsy pretext is usually the beginning of the end!
What could happen to a man who made an appointment, then canceled it and never made an appointment again? He probably met another woman who he liked better. Don't try to figure out the reason. If he cancels a meeting, especially more than once, he simply doesn’t like you enough!
We are not making up all these stories! Having conducted private consultations for almost 20 years, we have rarely seen a successful relationship with a man who canceled appointments. Moreover, we interviewed hundreds of happily married wives, and they all said that their husbands never canceled a date, no matter what happened.
A cold, a rainstorm, meeting with clients, studying for an exam, studying at medical school, traffic jams, the Super Bowl, a relative's wedding - nothing will stop a guy from meeting you if he likes you.
20 years ago, American writers Ellen Fein and Sherry Schneider collected advice on how a woman can get the man of her dreams in their best-selling book. Since then, the feminist movement has been revived and strengthened, and such literature has received the label “sexist.” However, “New Rules” is still being republished and finds many fans and followers. What's the secret?
For years, gurus Ellen Fein and Sherry Schneider have analyzed the behavior of women who were happy in their personal lives—those who had many admirers, who were married well, and who were happy in their marriages. Oprah Winfrey called their best-selling book “Rules for Winning the Heart of the Man of Your Dreams” a phenomenon and twice invited the authors to her talk show. People magazine classified the book as a must-read, and glossy magazines called it the best publication about relationships. The authors assure: over the 20 years of the existence of the “Rules”, millions of women have been able to experience their absolute effectiveness. They received a relationship full of love and respect, which flowed into a happy and strong marriage. In "New Rules" writers help modern women and girls communicate via Facebook, Skype, SMS, etc. and at the same time remain mysterious, support the hunter’s instinct in a man when there is so much “easy prey” around him, get married in an era when everyone lives in civil marriages and is in no hurry to take responsibility.
“Men love a challenge and lose interest when the object of this interest - and especially a woman - comes too easy for them.”
“The secret way to get a guy: be a challenge for him. Treat him as if you don't care about him,” urge Ellen Fein and Sherry Schneider. In their opinion, it is necessary to create an atmosphere of mystery and make a man passionately desire to meet you, which is very rare these days. “The Rules is a way of communicating with any man (provided he is the first to start a conversation with you, in person or online) that makes him obsessed with you and ready for a serious relationship.”
How to Marry the Man of Your Dreams, According to Ellen Fein and Sherry Schneider
Be a girl different from the rest and look like a girl different from the rest.
Do not approach a man first and do not start a conversation, do not call or write to a man first.
Don't ask men out via SMS social networks and in no other way.
Wait at least 4 hours before responding to a man's first message, and at least half an hour before responding to each subsequent message.
“We’ll talk/write later”: always finish everything first - and disappear from sight!
Do not respond to SMS or any other messages after midnight.
Don't accept an invitation to a Saturday date later than Wednesday. “Proper girls” lead busy lives. Surely you've already made your weekend plans before Thursday rolls around! If he invites you too late, don't reprimand him. Just say that you are very sorry, but you are busy.
Make yourself "invisible" for instant messaging. Even if nothing is happening in your life, you should not notify the guy about it by instantly responding to his messages. As with any other form of communication, he must wait for the opportunity to talk to you. To be interesting to you, he will have to work hard. Don’t deprive your man of this opportunity by immediately responding to messages and spending hours online! Remember, you have your own life (school, work, friends, hobbies, workouts and, hopefully, dates), and there is only 10 minutes left for chatting and no more. If a guy has a lot to tell you and a lot to ask, he can do it during a date!
Don't spend 24 hours a day, seven days a week with him.
Long-distance relationships: let him offer to communicate more often on Skype and visit you.
Don't text men first, ignore emoticons and winks on online dating sites.
Don't pay for dinner or buy his love in any way.
Don't do self-destructive things when dating married men. If he wants to see you, tell him to call you when he becomes single. And after that, no communication, forget him, say “next!” - and focus on finding men who are truly free.
Don't date a man who cancels your dates more than once.
Do not send a man anything that would be unpleasant to leave with him in the event of your separation.
Don't settle for one-night stands or meaningless relationships.
Don't rush to sleep with a man. “The right girl” makes a guy wait to help him fall in love with her, with her soul, with her essence - and not just with her body. The longer you delay intimacy, the longer he will be able to look after you, plan romantic encounters and dream about you. Men love challenges and don't appreciate anything that comes too easily to them, especially sex!
Don't date a man without commitment! If your relationship lasts more than a year and at the same time it is “correct” (you allowed the man to “chase you”, met him no more than 2-3 times a week, refused to spend vacations with him, did not move in with him), then most helped him fall in love with you and want to get married. A man wants to see you more and more. But if after a year of dating a man has not asked to marry him, you should tell him that you are a girl of an old-fashioned upbringing and are not going to date anyone forever. If he starts making excuses, suggest taking a break in the relationship. Ask him to think things through alone and call when he's ready to commit.
Men shared with us real stories about dates after which they would never call the girl back. Now we know what exactly not to do.
BECAUSE YOU WERE DRUNK
“One young lady cried throughout the date and said that everyone thought her friend was cooler than her. She gradually got drunk and cried. He left her at her entrance, promising to support her without fail and to fix everything, and he kept saying something about how her friend was a complete fool. I drove home drunk and in a foul mood.” Anton
Because drunk people look and behave disgustingly, and you know it very well. You yourself, most likely, will not call back a man who gets drunk on the first date.
How to prevent this: remember that alcohol is an unusually insidious thing. It's clear that you drink because you're nervous and just want to relax. But the problem is that alcohol doesn't actually change your condition, it makes your current condition worse. That is, if you are only nervous about the date, everything is fine: this state would go away on its own, drinking will simply speed up your return to your usual calmness. But if you are really very stressed or something happened to you, drinking alcohol will not help yourself, but will only harm you. So choose one thing: either cancel the date, or spend it at a coffee shop that doesn’t serve alcohol.
BECAUSE YOU DECEIVED HIM
“A lady came with a bunch of large hanging moles on her face, they weren’t in the photo (thank you Photoshop). In addition, in the photo she was clearly five years younger and 15 kilos lighter. The whole meeting she nagged about her exes, talked about her love for children and her desire to get married, then asked to take her God knows where. I didn't call again. She invited herself a couple of times, I took her to the movies out of inertia, then I stopped answering calls.” Michael
“A girl with a cat instead of a photo in her avatar. A bun came to the date, weighing 80 kilograms and tall 140 in a jump, dressed in folk style. She dragged me for a romantic walk to the Fontanka, on the way she looked into my mouth and admired me with a lisp. I grabbed him goodbye and tried to kiss him, but fortunately, he didn’t jump. It was after her that I merged in horror with “Mamba.” Andrey
Why he is most likely to run away: no one likes to be deceived. If a cheerful pensioner came to you on a date instead of an impressive forty-year-old handsome man, a stooped soup set instead of a fit, lean man, or a pimply baby instead of a perky adult student - how would you react? That's right, you would run away.
How to prevent this: It is important to understand that everyone has complexes. It is even more important to understand that there will certainly be a person who will like you for who you are. Perhaps he will not be found as quickly as you would like, but this also has its advantages: if you show yourself as real instead of an artificial beauty that everyone will definitely like, you will save yourself time and nerves. Because everyone really falls for glossy beauty. Including those who are initially looking for a young lady for one night.
BECAUSE YOUR APPEARANCE DOESN'T MATCH YOUR WORDS
“One lady in her correspondence constantly talked about her travels around Europe, about visiting fashion shows and about how headless her housekeeper is. I went on a date with a fake Louis Vuitton from the transition. Who did she want to deceive, I wonder?” Maksim
Why he is most likely to run away: firstly, he may decide that you are a dummy who compensates for this with stupid fairy tales. And secondly, if you lie from the very beginning, then you will continue to lie.
How to prevent this: even if you really want to embellish reality, you shouldn’t do it. Simply because it doesn't make any sense at all. You are harming yourself just like that, for no reason. He is unlikely to be interested in how much money you have - unless, of course, he is a gigolo or a poor widower with five children of preschool age.
BECAUSE YOUR APPEARANCE DOESN'T MATCH THE SITUATION
“I once invited a woman to an expensive restaurant. We talked for a long time on the Internet, I naturally fell in love, I wanted to amaze her. She came without makeup, in worn out old sneakers and with a huge shabby bag. All evening I thought that everyone was staring at us. Then he ordered some cognac and began to stare at the beauties in full regalia. Naturally, we never met again.” Artem
Why he is most likely to run away: firstly, he will decide that you do not appreciate his efforts. Secondly, that you do not share his interests (let’s say you came in heels and a thin jacket, although he invited you for a walk in the winter forest). Thirdly, he will think that you are not at all familiar with the concept of “looking appropriate”, and he will have to be embarrassed by you all the time.
How to prevent this: feel free to ask again if you are not sure you understood it correctly. You yourself will be embarrassed, you will agree. And if you think that this is nonsense or, even worse, an attack on your individuality and freedom, then it is better to find out before the date. And offer him an alternative option.
It often happens that he postpones dates, saying that unforeseen circumstances have suddenly arisen. How to understand guys whose behavioral psychology sometimes defies any explanation - the article contains all the information.
Sometimes a time comes when a girl feels that something is happening with her boyfriend. And sometimes, in order to avoid bitter experiences and suffering, you need to carefully study the behavior of a young person.
And it is especially necessary to pay Special attention, at first glance, unremarkable and unnoticeable little things that led to an incomprehensible act and a change in his character. It often happens that he postpones dates, justifying this by the fact that suddenly he has become a hostage to unforeseen circumstances, problems at work or a banal traffic jam.
According to psychologists, in most cases, young people are simply not able to plan their daily schedule correctly, which is why they are late for a date. In this case, the girl should not wait for hours at the appointed place, but needs to take care of herself and her own affairs.
When a guy confidently conducts conversations on women's topics, gives advice on how to take care of himself, what makeup to use and where to get a pedicure, in this case, psychologists advise listening to his constant reproaches as this may be one of the reasons that he does not show up or is late for meetings. He probably thinks that the girl is not attractive enough for him.
At such a moment, the girl must remember that she should not get into an altercation with the boy. Such straightforward behavior of his should not be perceived as serious reproaches and taken to heart.
When a young man postpones a date, he does not consider himself an optional person. Psychologists explain this behavior as nothing other than the male ego. The thought that his deeds and excuses are not as important as his relationship with his loved one cannot creep into his head.
But if he finds himself in the complete opposite situation, he will probably flare up and demand detailed explanations. He believes that if a girl gives her word, she should keep it, and that he does not equate the most interesting thing with this criterion.
Psychologists consider male inconstancy to be one of the problems of the stronger half of humanity. This is why a man can make an appointment for the evening, and then literally reschedule it for the next day in just half an hour. Where can I get it in this case? good mood at the girl's. And what’s most interesting is that he believes that you are obliged to tolerate his antics, since he is a man. This is where the girl should think about whether she needs this egoist.
Sometimes the following situation happens when a guy shows some level of interest in a girl, but then begins to be picky, postpone the date, finding various reasons. There is some kind of resentment in his behavior, he withdraws in communication, which leads to his desire to dominate in his relationship with the girl.
In this case, the first thing that creeps into the girl’s head is to get very angry, yell at him and throw out all her emotions on him. It is in this case that psychologists believe that a girl should not restrain herself and try to try on the situation, nothing will change anyway, this is the psychology of guys, but to promote this state of his.
You shouldn’t scream, you need to tell him what she thinks without hysteria, in a loud monotonous voice, and stop communicating with him for some period. Thanks to this, even if it happened after the first date, even after a month of dating, the guy will probably call and not only apologize, but also invite you to a romantic dinner.
Thus, if a young man is interested in a relationship, he will wean himself from allowing himself to be late or postpone dates. The only thing the girl needs in this case is to decide not to communicate with him at all at first, and not after an hour to call him. Otherwise there will simply be no effect. According to psychologists, this technique needs to be improved in relation to the temperament of a young person.
The next situation arises when a young man, according to him, is constantly busy and cannot meet. Psychologists are divided on this issue, but in most cases they agree on one thing: this is a simple disguise that conceals a lack of interest on the part of the guy in the girl.
Often, as a rule, this is exactly what happens. This state of thinking is very convenient for a guy, because at any moment he can call and reschedule the date, stay late for a meeting, and if he gets bored with your company directly on the date, he can simply leave and not delay the date for long, justifying this with the same business and worries .
And when the girl again didn’t wait for him on a date or he simply, as usual, forgot to call and warn, all she hears in response is how he was very busy, and he didn’t even have a minute to dial an SMS from three words This can go on for more than a year. It all depends on how much patience the girl has.
Based on the current state of affairs, we can conclude that the guy has absolutely no time to pay attention to the girl. Often this position develops because the guy is trying to hide a parallel relationship with another.
According to psychologists, this position is adopted by guys who want to have a girl with them as a backup option, just in case. It is unlikely that a girl will develop a mutual relationship with such a young man.
As you know, if a person has some kind of feeling for another - his soulmate, then he will make every effort and will definitely find precious time to meet his beloved. In this case, he does not need to look for an excuse why it is not possible not to come on a date. Here the girl just needs to dot the i’s and tell the guy that this can’t continue like this, let him decide what he wants.
How to understand guys whose psychology of behavior sometimes defies explanation? Here the girl will have to figure it out herself, because only she is able to bring the guy to clean water and determine whether he is lying to her or not.