I don’t know who is writing the script of my life, but he has a sense of humor...
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Life is movement: some move their brains, others move their ears!
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I hasten to inform everyone, I have changed... I am changing... And I will change... My Life For the Better!
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I need a life textbook where I can check the correct answer.
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A cactus is a cucumber deeply disillusioned with life.
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They say that our life is a striped zebra. My life is a black donkey!
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Life is what happens to you just when you have completely different plans...
I woke up early in the morning and thought: “If I get up, I’ll move mountains.” She turned on the other side... “Why interfere with nature, let them stand!”
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Life is a self-service hypermarket... The main thing is not to go crazy with your “choice” at the checkout))
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If a difficult character prevents you from going with the flow and pulls you to the bottom, try to make him dirty.
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Life is like a bird - it flies unnoticed, but leaves marks on you))
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If no one envies you, ask yourself: “Are you living right?”
Life is a scary thing... I recently read the word toilet backwards, now I'm afraid to sit on it...
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I can’t help but humor such a difficult life... It’s better to go crazy than with a sour, muddy face!)))
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His life was such shit that you can’t tell it in a fairy tale or put it away with a scoop))
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Are you sent to all four directions? Go south - it's warmer there.
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-I am losing weight. -For a long time? -Almost half an hour. - It’s already noticeable. -Is it true? -Yeah. Hungry eyes!
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Healthy sleep not only prolongs life, but also reduces working time.
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A person spends a third of his life sleeping, the remaining two thirds he dreams of getting enough sleep!
– When you wanted to change your life, what did you do? – I didn’t pay for the Internet.
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Adult life is when “March home!” It’s not the mother who screams, but the wife!
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Life will put everything in its place... And some will also be shoved into these “places”!
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Remember 2 phrases that will help you open many doors in this life: “On yourself” and “On yourself”!
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Do you want to change your life, go on a diet, quit smoking or find a new job? Especially for you... every week - MONDAY!
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Our officials always begin to improve the quality of life in the country with themselves.
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Life is tricky: - when all the cards are in hand, she decides to play chess.
Life is controlled by two people - Horseradish and Toad, horseradish knows everything, and the toad strangles everyone..
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Life here is like in a chicken coop - move your neighbor, shit on your neighbor.
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Life was such shit that you couldn’t tell it in a fairy tale or put it away with a scoop.
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Life is a strange thing: for forcing peace you get a medal, but for forcing love you get an article for rape.
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And may fate not be fair! But life is a game, play beautifully! There is no need to shed tears in vain, everything has gone to hell - life is wonderful!
Oh, God, everyone around me is so “SAINT” that it even makes my life somehow uncomfortable!!!
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- If you quit, what will you live on?
- If you work, then when will you live?
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It is not difficult to make changes in life, it is much more difficult to endure them later.
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The men have settled down well: trees grow on their own, wives give birth to sons, Tajiks build houses.
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Sometimes it hardens a person like that family life that he ceases to be afraid of the afterlife.
If you get lost in the forest at night, look at the North Star. It is negligible compared to your problems))
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All is not lost yet! More to lose and lose...
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Let go of idiots and clowns from your life! The circus must tour...
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Apparently, everyone has their own rake in life, only they are very camouflaged!
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I'm leading healthy image life, because I don’t have enough money for unhealthy...
In life, as in checkers... You make a move and think: That’s why I came here?!
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I want to get married. It’s so great to have someone nearby whom you can torment for the rest of your life.
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Our life is a constant choice: who to entrust our ring finger, and who is average...
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Darkness. Cave. There are two hanging on the ceiling the bats. - Tell me, when was the worst day of your life? - Well, it was probably the day I had diarrhea...
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“Life after fifty is just beginning!” - the woman thought and asked to pour fifty more...
Life is the biggest freebie we'll ever get.
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Life is like a roll of toilet paper: the closer it gets to the end, the faster it ends.
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Life gave you a kick in the ass?? No need to whine! Give her back, quickly shake off your butt, pick up the rake too, and curse her with obscene language... to spite her, become happy!
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Life must be lived in such a way that even Google knows about it!
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An enema will not help someone who has been feeding on hopes all their life.
...The Lord is watching over you! Live in a way that makes him interested))
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If a difficult character prevents you from going with the flow and pulls you to the bottom, try to make him dirty))
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Our life is a game without rules! If it’s not death, then it’s a song... the crazier it is, the funnier it is! The more painful it is, the more interesting...
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If no one envy you, ask yourself, are you living right?
You ruined the whole scenario for me...
We call it life, but it's just a to-do list.....
The psychiatrist told me: sit down, I’ll calm down now and let’s begin.....
Doctor, something hurts me.
- Here's a pill for you.
I'm not being stupid, I'm wasting my potential.....
Talent's sister came to me, but didn't reach me before the bell rang.....
Remember me as cheerful, and tomorrow I will start repairs.....
I’ll yawn, cover myself, set the alarm for March.....
Things are going great so far, since I haven’t started them....
What is your occupation?
- I'm acting! I really get on my nerves!
Did you want to ruin my life? thank you, I did it myself.....
Sex therapist to the patient:
- Do you use any other means of contraception, besides your fucking character?
I used to eat in front of the TV, now I eat in front of the computer.
Hence the conclusion: wherever progress goes, so will the dining room.
What's the difference between just a friend and a real friend?
- Just a friend will help you transport your things,
and a true friend will help you transport the corpse.....
It can be stunningly beautiful at night. Only nothing is visible.
An inexperienced young fortune teller told Vasily two years without sex...
But Vasily was not at a loss and immediately proved to her twice that she was a charlatan.....
Every girl has...
- brain fucker.
With the help of Buddhism, I found the answer to the main Russian questions: Who is to blame? and What to do?
1. Nobody
2. Nothing
If you get bored, call. I will be glad to see your missed ones.
People! Stop drinking! Learn to do shit sober!
Actually, I drink little, only 100 grams,
and after 100 grams, a different person wakes up in me.
Here he is, the bitch, drinking...
If you want to send me, remember that I'm lazy.
You'll have to CARRY me there.
Hands growing out of the ass are the most common mutation on Earth.
- I am begging you! This has long been a normal configuration...
After swear words began to be replaced with asterisks,
The cognac began to stress me out... What is there, behind these stars? 
I thought for a long time about who I am: a lark or an owl and came to the conclusion that I am a pterodactyl,
because with a daily routine like mine, it’s strange how I haven’t died out yet.....
Is it really so difficult to put up with my bullshit for the rest of your life and not be a jerk, I don’t understand.
I'm not an alcoholic, but a fearless traveler on the emotional spectrum.
through chemical portals in glass vessels.
How do you sometimes want to put lemon not in tea, but in a Swiss bank?
The main way to make money online is to learn how to make money online.
Despite such healthcare, in Pension Fund still not enough money...
I know why in Russia there is such a low life expectancy for men - because their wives retire at 55 and, out of nothing to do, hack men to death!
After sex, your mood always improves! The conclusion is clear: good mood sexually transmitted!
When the shepherd is changed, only the flock thinks that the owner has changed...
The female torment when choosing cosmetics can only be compared to the male stupor in the wine department...
Emergency in the library. A little girl was playing with a book and got into a binder.
Post office. We came up with raisins and dried apricots.
If I could choose, in my next life I would like to become my cat...
It is best to get chickenpox in childhood, and the plague - in the Middle Ages.
This application requires access to your contacts, email, location data. I know this application. I'm married to him...
A hungry cat is the best alarm clock!
iPhone is the smartest phone! It has the highest percentage of owners who are significantly dumber than their phone...
The McDonald's menu fully matches the Anti-Doping Committee's list of prohibited drugs.
An erudite is a person who will always find a synonym if he doesn’t know how to spell a word.
It's scary to send a child to grandma. Complete information leak...
Everyone read the “Do not feed the lions” sign on the cage at the zoo. And only the janitor knows what's going on reverse side It says "There are no people."
I look at our reality and understand that, after all, some asshole visited the past and crushed a butterfly there...
After listening to me, my psychoanalyst made an appointment with his own.
Perseverance, energy, enthusiasm, perseverance, initiative - these are negative qualities of a person if the word “mind” does not appear in the same row as them.
You need to know where you can mess around. For example, if you make it too thin toilet paper- there will be a lot of complaints. But if you make a buggy gearbox for scuba gear, there will be few complaints.
If I were a sultan, I would have three wives, and would be surrounded by US troops....
Most of all you want to go on vacation a month before and ten months after it.
It is believed that poverty is when more than a third of your salary goes to food...
I stupidly don’t have more than a third left for food. Paying our rent makes us richer!
Previously, things that were in bad shape were stolen from the state. Now they don’t even have time to put it in - they steal it at the stage of contracts with suppliers.
In all my classes, I sit like a politician: I don’t know a damn thing, but I put on a smart face
Vasily seemed strange to Marina even in the registry office... when he put both rings on her finger...
Grandfather Paphnutius, seeing a sign with the inscription “Smoking is strictly prohibited!”, lit a cigarette softly, kindly...
I bring everything into the house. And the garbage chute and sewer take everything away...
Mobile operators have some kind of secret mathematics. How else can you explain that +7 is 8?
As soon as the president declares that Russians will soon live better, prices immediately jump up. Obviously, out of joy for the Russians
A woman needs a man to be happy. For misfortune, a husband is enough.
On the main page of the Russian Railways website there is a banner in the form of a carriage window. Moreover, it also does not open.
Judging by the comments on the Internet on the following presidential elections The one who dares to change his first and last name to Any except Putin Nemedved will win!
Don't talk to me like you have discounts in traumatology.
It feels like the old Russian proverb “No law is written for fools” and the concept of “deputy immunity” are somehow connected...
Before you scold your child, remember yourself at his age, pat him on the head, kiss him and go drink your valerian...
There are three weathers in Russia: mud, dried mud, frozen mud.
If a person is talented, then he is talented in everything.... The situation is the same with idiots.
The cry of a Russian tourist at the Washington airport "Alla, I'm going to the bar!" Forced 1,300 Americans to settle, including 19 policemen...
Negotiations with Conscience were successful: an agreement was reached to increase discounts and write off past debts. The parties highly appreciated the new step towards mutually beneficial cooperation.
I’ll buy a used overlocker inexpensively, at least I’ll find out what it is...
T9 corrects words. T10 will correct sentences. TT will fix your worthless life...
Gorky was passing through our city, and since 1968 he has been a prospect.
On the faces of some women there is only one thing written: Be careful, painted!
My life started off very badly. Twin sisters died during childbirth. Three of us were supposed to be born, but Fate decided to decree differently. Riro, it turned out, died a week ago before the significant event; Rosa twisted her neck with the help of the umbilical cord when they took her out. Because her neck was too fragile even for a baby. Well, I, being the last one, came out not with my head, but in some other place, and of course I almost suffocated. But unlike his sisters, he survived. The memory of them remained not only in the cemetery and my mother’s tears, but also in my eyes. Not in the sense that I remember them, the point is that Riro and I, one might say, exchanged eyes, though only one at a time. Mine is light blue and hers is brown, or vice versa, who knows? As my mother later told me, if Riro had survived, she would have been blind in one eye. So I can say that I am very lucky that I am alive, and also healthy. I don't want to be happy. And then one cloudy spring day, when our class all received the results of the gender test, I, a ten-year-old boy, received the news that I was an omega. I remember how it struck me like a thunderclap; at the age of seven all the secrets on this topic were revealed to me, and it was then that my rosy childhood ended. Anyone, alpha or even beta, I don’t mind, but damn it’s not like a damn omega! No, of course I don’t have anything against them, but being the same somehow doesn’t make me smile. He suffers from heat every three months and is bullied by fucking alphas who believe that omegas exist only to lie unquestioningly under them. And some betas just dream of taking my place. These are not at all childish thoughts racing through my head. Arriving home, I showed this piece of paper to my mother, who was beside herself with happiness that I was not some useless beta, and not the rude, arrogant alpha that I could become. My father, returning from work, was also very happy about the news, now in his eyes I was not a innocent, delicate flower, not to mention the fact that he wanted a daughter. Everyone is happy, everyone is rejoicing, but I am as dark as the clouds outside the window. And now almost six years have passed, my first heat was at fourteen, no earlier, no later, as scheduled. By the way, everything turned out to be not so bad, I could calmly endure this disaster, but the main problem was that the smell inherent in me was too strong, again I was lucky that it was easily, almost completely removed by blockers. Nothing changed at school, everyone still thought I was a beta. And this was one of the reasons to despise me even more than before. There I was an outcast, a schmuck, and so on, from the first grade. Well, judge for yourself: a short beta with different eyes, good-looking, not standing out in any way, not showing his character, how can you not scold him? True, only in words, it was the case that one alpha became arrogant and started pointing his finger at me, this really infuriated me, so I broke his finger, and when he recovered, so to speak, they asked me to come to one event behind the garages. Fortunately, I had an inexplicable but passionate love for boxing, in which I was very successful, and three scumbags, led by that same offended alpha, received caps. Of course, skills and precise coordination helped, but the body still failed, there were bruises and abrasions, but that self-proclaimed gang left more wealth for themselves. Since then, I have acquired the reputation of a “rabid psycho,” and the tongues trying to humiliate me morally have doubled, although now they are still wary that I will repeat the history of unlucky alphas. An ordinary school day, nothing new, everything as always. And then... -Hello Rick... - my classmate Michelle, recognized as the most beautiful girl in parallel. For the first time in the five years that she has been studying here, her words were addressed to me, which surprised me quite a bit: “Aren’t you busy?” I would like to tell you something. -Speak. -Not here, let's go out into the corridor? This is very important, I don’t want any of our people to hear.” Michelle mumbled and fiddled with the hem of her skirt. Worried? What is it she wants to tell me? The corridor was noisy as always, so few of those who deliberately did not want to eavesdrop on our conversation would have heard. -You see, Rick... I noticed you a long time ago, even when I first came to class, you always walked alone and didn’t make friends with anyone. And when they pestered you, you always fought back. So many years have passed, and I finally understood what feelings I have for you. They are completely different from anything I have ever experienced. “I love you, understand?” the girl stopped talking and looked into my eyes. At first I was a little shocked, but I caught the sly gleam in her eyes and common sense said that something was wrong here. Firstly: it all looked too banal. Like a scene from some cheap melodrama. Secondly: if she really fell in love (God forbid), she would definitely find a better place than the corridor. Thirdly: I’ve been thinking about it for five years and only now have I realized it? Yes, this can’t be... Oh, it’s reached. -Hmm... And who came up with it? I thought you were a sensible girl, and you agreed to such garbage in order to laugh at me along with the whole class? It's funny... did you really think I'd fall for something like that? A shadow came over her face and she falteringly tried to correct her position, but it was too late. -What?... Oh, no I... How could you!... - seeing my impenetrable gaze, Michelle paused for a long time, but then exhaled and squeezed out an excuse - I didn’t want to, he just said that you sleep with everyone, and this is not right, and I asked you to guide me so that later I would not pester everyone. Sorry. I still can’t believe it... -Who, “he”? -Stas. Just, just don’t tell him that I spilled the beans! This Stas will always hurt you somehow. He’s as thin as a stick, a weakling, etc. So he’s trying to rehabilitate himself at my expense. -How will it go? This unpleasant conversation took up almost the entire recess, and the mood is now below par. “Oh, how cool we are!” a tall, white-haired girl was jumping next to me. Damn, my heart almost dropped to my feet! -What the hell, scare me like that?! I’ll give myself a heart attack!” I barked before leaving. And where did she come from? It wasn't a second ago. Magic by God. “Don’t yell.” Sonya winced and grabbed her head with one hand. Again I sat at my laptop all night and apparently not the first time. From loud sounds in your head, how did she say it? Three-de sound... - You talked to the girl, and then you made a scary face, like a jackal. Did something happen again? -Yes, no... I just didn’t get enough sleep, let’s go to class already, the bell will ring soon and anyway... What do you have there... mathematics? - if he finds out that Stas is mocking again, he won’t leave calmly and not only his. It will go over other bullies, for prevention. Alpha, damn it, bodyguard. And it’s still been the case since childhood... ah, bright times... Even when, for one reason or another, I don’t take suppressants in heat, she saves me from these dung flies. He says he really wanted a younger brother, but then they introduced us, nothing like a cousin. I just can't understand it. Alpha, even a girl, but pays zero attention to my smell. Although it seems to run in the family, I don’t react to alphas either. - We have chemistry. Okay, okay, bye. But if something happens, speak up, and don’t remain silent until the bruise becomes visible. Do you understand? - this look, which gives you goosebumps, is how “Sonya-sister” can drive you into fear. “I got it, I got it.” She stood there a little longer, looked at me, and then walked away in the opposite direction. The Lord rewarded her with a gaze piercing to the bones; even the bravest bull would freeze with horror. I don’t know why this happens, it seems: a pretty albino girl, white hair, almost the same White skin ... the blue eyes are not bright, but rather pale, on the verge of blue and violet. And why, when she gets angry and looks eye to eye, her whole body freezes with vague fear. Lessons went slowly, especially the last two. I wanted to shoot myself, just not to hear the teacher’s boring droning. The head is cracking, it doesn’t hurt like Sonya’s, but it’s cracking. My body is shaking, apparently I got wet yesterday, but I only got sick today, after the fourth lesson. And then, on the way of my freedom, one very nasty carcass stands in the way, and then another one sits next to me. Stas and Seva. Oh, what a bad time, in this state, I’m not their rival and it looks like someone knows about it. -Oh, look who it is. Damn, it's such a bug, it won't take long to crush it. “Listen, little reed, don’t bend like that, you’ll break.” a little more and my brains will float out through my ears. - Pff... Listen Stas, Chris is waiting for me there, don’t linger here either. - Seva retreated, for which I thank him from the bottom of my heart. Now it will be easier to pass. -Stas, let’s chat sometime later, you know, I have absolutely no desire to talk to you. You still have time to catch up with your friend.” The attempt to pass was unsuccessful, they grabbed me by the collar and dragged me to my place. Damn, if my body had obeyed me, if my head hadn’t been seething, I would have smacked his face a long time ago and he certainly wouldn’t have been able to drag me around by the scruff of the neck like a kitten. “S...” the word stopped abruptly and with my fading consciousness I managed to notice a chalk-white hand on the alpha’s neck. He immediately turned pale, almost to the same color, and froze. -Staaasik ananaaasik~, why aren’t you at home yet? It seems like your lessons are already over. Or maybe you were waiting for me? - Sonya smiled, grinning her sharp teeth and spoke every phrase with slight irony. And then suddenly she switched to an angry whistling whisper - You have ten seconds to apologize and disappear. Time has passed. - She quickly removed her hand from Stas’s neck and with a slight movement moved away from her victim. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to do anything like that, sorry, I have to go.” Having said this, he flew out. “I’m done,” Sonya came up to me and touched my forehead, “You have a fever, will you go on your own or will I carry you?” - this was not a joke, she lifted dumbbells and heavier ones in front of me, but somehow I don’t want to embarrass myself. -No, myself. On the way, I almost fell several times, and the third time Sonya could not stand it and took me in her arms when we were already approaching the house. When I turned fifteen, Sonya invited me to move into my grandmother’s three-room apartment with her, and I agreed. And what? I will have a separate room that I have only dreamed of, my parents will not pester me, and the only alpha who now lives relatively close will not show interest in me. Sonya's mother was only glad to get her further away quickly, especially since she can afford to pay for the apartment herself. This is how we have been living with her for almost a year. My whole body hurts, but my head is not as bad as before. There is blur before my eyes, a bright light is pouring from under the curtains. I’m trying to gradually get used to it, and after some time it doesn’t hurt my eyes so much, and I can see everything well. There is a note from Sonya on the table: “It’s Wednesday and yes, you slept like hell. There are two glasses in the kitchen. One with water, take the pill lying next to you when you can get up. Porridge in the microwave, heat it up if it gets cold and eat everything, EVERYTHING, GET IT? Then, after an hour, drink the herbal decoction in a second glass. After that, don’t eat or drink for another hour. It’ll get better soon, I notified your class, get as much rest as possible! After school, I’ll stay late and pick up Zhenya. See you soon! Owl." And so every time I get sick... Instructions about in what order and what to pour into myself, weakness and pain throughout the body, and then Sonya drags Zhenya in so that I can be constantly monitored. Two or three days of this semi-professional torture and I’m on my feet. Unless it's something serious. I force myself up and look at the calendar, the worst event in my life begins in less than a month, well, at least I’m not in heat, I’m lucky. Yes, yes, I’m an omega who doesn’t remember when this bullshit starts for him, either at the beginning of the month, or at the end. Fortunately, the calendar saves me, Sasha forces me to celebrate. You see, it turned out that I constantly forget, and she has to clear it up... - “And how else were you not noticed at school?” - I mimicked her. It was her idea to hide my true nature and pretend to be a beta once we found out how strong my scent was. From the very beginning, no one at school cared about asking questions, but now it is a serious need. And if you think that no one pinches ordinary little guys in the corners, then you are very mistaken. Therefore, as an overly fragrant person, I need this in order not to forcibly lose my virginity and then not even know who it was. At least that's what my sister thinks. Of course, betas are also subject to this, but no one will get it from me, heat is a different matter. This is fucking physiology! So, I need to take some medicine, otherwise I’m sitting here, and the Owl will strangle me later. By the way, her nickname appeared precisely because of her look, and then I also noticed that her real name is similar, and that she, like an owl, prefers to sleep during the day and stay awake at night, but because of school this does not appear often.
Two days later
Vitaly, what are you doing? - Elizaveta Igorevna, our class teacher, asked my neighbor at my desk. -I? What about me now? Over there Eric is generally asleep. - He pouted his lips offendedly. An excellent student, an excellent student, but he had real problems with this subject. -Hmm... You have a test coming up, and Trinin knows the whole course by heart, unlike you. So, go to the board and retell the paragraph for us. Trinin come to me. That's what's wrong, why did they interrupt my blissful peace? I’m coming, I’m coming... -So, give these notes to Andrei Yulievich, and after the break don’t forget to go to the school council, they have a meeting after this lesson, and tell them to go to the director with a report. -Elizaveta Igorevna, you understand that, as always, there will be a maximum of half of them. They will submit incomplete reports and then they will be persecuted for a long time, along with their class teachers . But Temofenko is playing truant, as always,” the excellent student blurted out. So who pulled your tongue? But on purpose, he knows what will happen next. -Kurkin, did I ask you? No? So shut up. And you, Eric - She just loves to pronounce my name as if I were her husband or lover, brrr. It really makes me shiver. - Later, find Temofenko and remind him about the meeting. He's probably hanging around the school somewhere. I could only nod and accept it. Temofenko, this is Seva’s last name. And damn, so pretentious! I think I’ve heard her somewhere before, I don’t remember exactly, but it seems like it’s someone famous. How can I describe our relationship?.. Something like a redneck and a nerd? Yes, I think this is an accurate description. The second most popular womanizer in school. Usually he doesn’t pay attention to me, only when Stas is trying to get excited. Yes, just a few words for the sake of appearances, and that’s all. This arrangement suits me, as they say: “less people, more oxygen.” His grades are not good, not bad, mediocre. How this “miracle” got into the school council is anyone’s guess. Unless, of course, you know that his father is the school director himself. Actually, it's like a secret that only a few people know about. And the fact that this information is known to me is a “happy” accident. I once found myself next to the open door of the director’s office during their next quarrel. After the call, I, on the already known instructions, trudged to the old biology room, where all their meetings are now held. I hope he comes and I don't have to look for him all over the school. The break has just begun, but they should already be there, since they arrive twenty minutes before the bell. And so I open the door and broadcast my news. They are indignant, because the reporting has not yet been fully compiled, and so I ask a logical question: -Where is Temofenko hanging around? -He seemed to go to the archives with some blonde girl. And why do you need it? -Personally, I didn’t give up. But if he is not noted in the reports, our class will have to bother. - and with that I left them and headed to the above-mentioned place. Near the door to the archive there was a sharp omega smell, since I myself am an omega, for me it was not very strong, but for alphas, I think it would be a rather pungent aroma. There was also a faint echo of cherry. And judging by this, I could already draw certain conclusions: Seva is definitely there. He does things that cannot be done in the archive. And this “blonde” is in heat. On the one hand, I could wait, after all, I’m in heat, this is no joke. And she was definitely lucky to find a normal partner. .. But I need to carry out an assignment, and I don’t care what they do there. Especially where it is prohibited. It's a school after all, not a brothel. The door turned out to be unlocked, and when I opened it, I found these lovebirds in the most unambiguous pose. -I was asked to tell you to appear at the school council meeting to complete the reporting, which will be handed over to the director at the end of the meeting. And as you yourself understand, first of all he will check your part. Simply put, you'll get screwed if you don't check in. Good luck.” I tried to slam the door and run away as quickly as possible, since interrupting “such a thing” should anger the alpha. And this does not bode well for me.