Breaking up with someone you love can turn your whole world upside down and throw you into an emotional cycle of fear, sadness and anxiety. Many people advise using this time to “grow” and “learn” - but this is easier said than done. While a breakup can be a source of valuable knowledge and good lessons, most learning occurs only after the breakup. large quantity time.

But why does it hurt so much after a breakup - even if the relationship that just ended was obviously doomed, and you both realized it?

Emotional pain

One of the most important reasons is your expectations. Think back to your first meeting. All these wonderful expectations, wonderful dreams, sweet hopes for a happy future together. Even the most banal and simple pleasures turned into a celebration of love because your emotions (and hormones) were in overdrive. Everything seemed so promising - just because you were in love. But separation destroys all these love dreams and presents in return a large portion of painful, bitter sensations.

After a breakup, everything in your life suddenly seems broken: daily routines, your activities, your home... the relationships you used to have with your ex-partner's family, your mutual friends - all of this has turned into a gaping void. And most importantly, separation brings uncertainty about your future. How will life go without your partner? Will you find someone else? Will you be left alone? These unanswered questions often feel worse than a broken relationship - even if it was ultimately unlucky ones relationship, it was still a relationship.

Physical pain

When you fall in love, the “happy” hormone dopamine and the “trust” hormone oxytocin are released in large quantities. Your nervous system literally begins a happy hormonal binge. And you get used to these hormonal surges like a drug.

When a relationship ends, it's like your body is being robbed of that happiness drug. Those parts of the emotional center of the brain that are responsible for love and loss are also the motivational system. You experience the same state as a person deprived of food, water or a drug. Mania and obsession may begin to regain what was lost. The centers responsible for fear and anxiety also work at full speed, due to a decrease in oxytocin levels.

Don't feel like you're going crazy after a breakup. You're actually breaking a habit—a serious habit. After a breakup, the “happy” hormones will immediately be replaced by stress hormones, including high levels of adrenaline.

“Colossal amounts of these stress hormones can be released directly into the heart, causing shock to the heart muscle, which causes this temporary heart attack-like disorder. It doesn't kill the heart muscle like a typical heart attack, but it does render it helpless,” says cardiologist Ilan Wittstein, MD.

This is where this deep pain comes from. Stress and stress hormones reduce your heart's ability to pump. This causes chest pain, chest muscle contractions, and other heart attack-like symptoms. Therefore, “broken heart syndrome” is not just folklore.

Once again, you are not losing your mind, you are experiencing hormonal symptoms and heart attack-like symptoms.

Accept this pain and disappointment as part of life. Life isn't always easy, and despite what Hollywood will tell you, love doesn't last forever.

But pain is also temporary. So at least you can console yourself with the thought that what you are going through is normal, and that there will be changes for the better in the future - even if it may be through temporary pain or sadness.

How to stop worrying and find the strength to cope with the pain after separation from your loved one

The relationship between people is the most subtle and at the same time intricate scheme for the development of the human future. Everyone has their own scenario, their own sequence of events, albeit with similar aspects in some ways, but in general with individual characteristics. In critical situations we behave differently. Some people happily show off all their cockroaches, while others are in an eternal state of “poor relative.” Everyone has the right to manage themselves and the world around them, this is the uniqueness of life and our future. You can read people in general, but it is almost impossible to predict their behavior in the next second.

Psychiatrists began to earn millions from our weakness. Our ability to fantasize sometimes drives us crazy. We draw pictures of the future in our heads, thereby plunging into a state of falling in love with a fictional image of our lover. Then during the sessions we have a long discussion with the doctor about why we are so unhappy, who and what caused all our troubles. We are offended by the fact that our loved one did not act as we imagined. The puzzle doesn’t fit, and we begin to feel sad. This is where the pain begins... the first pain of the reality of the unreal. A clear scenario of events has already been formed in our heads, but suddenly someone made uncoordinated adjustments, and the whole illusion shattered into pieces, the unknown lies ahead, what to do next? How to live? The fictional ideal world has collapsed, and that's it...the end.

The past teaches us that we can survive any pain and are able to overcome any obstacles. Each of us is Hercules in our own way, but mythical heroes also had their own “Achilles’ heel.” The fictional world can be a little crippling, but it has no way of breaking our spirit if we react soberly to the situation. Loved ones leave, and the pain of their departure lasts no more than 12 seconds... everything else is the painful torment of our fictional world. The destruction of illusion leads to a state of devastation. Everything is in our head, nothing is impossible for a person, it’s just difficult for us to accept the fact that we need to build a new illusion with another person.

The departure of a loved one, the breakup of familiar relationships, a feeling of complete freedom - it is always a new stage of life. This is a blank sheet of paper in the book “My Destiny”; you don’t need to look at this white spread as something ominous or frightening. This is a new white runway, a runway for your future. You have dozens of uncharted roads ahead, hundreds of pleasant acquaintances, thousands of unexpected surprises, millions of new reasons to smile.

When loved ones pass away, pain torments us around the clock, nothing can distract us from our contrived sadness.

We begin to compare ourselves with others and look for shortcomings in ourselves, but the reason for the breakup is always the fault of both. Relationships are a two-way process, and if a happy family does not work out, it means that the agreements were not respected on both sides. The past will never become the future; it remains behind us because we have outgrown it. Imaginary happiness, the illusion of an imaginary future together, is the barrier that creates imaginary emotional pain. If people leave, then they are not your people. Give up the obsession that “maybe everything will fall into place.” It won't. Everything will be even better, just not with this person. And happiness is just around the corner.

Marina Poznyakova

Illustration copyright Thinkstock

We have all experienced the unpleasant sensation that occurs when we awkwardly hit a hard object with a certain point on the elbow. Why does it happen? The correspondent decided to look into this.

The cause of the "electric" pain piercing the arm is not a bruise of the bone, which in English is called funny bone. There's nothing really funny here, of course. This is a pinching of the ulnar nerve, which is located in this place of the arm very close to the skin.

The ulnar nerve, which carries signals from the brain to the muscles of the arm, runs from the spinal cord along the shoulder and forearm, branching in the hand and ending in the little and ring fingers.

Almost along its entire length, the nerve is reliably protected from external influences by muscles and bones.

But at the elbow, the nerve passes behind what is called the medial epicondyle of the humerus and in a narrow 4mm long bony canal known as the cubital canal, located near the junction of the radius and ulna of the forearm with the humerus.

Here, the ulnar nerve is located directly between the bone tissue and the skin, so there is practically nothing to protect it.

When struck with the elbow at a certain angle, the ulnar nerve is pinched between the hard surface and the medial condyle, which causes an unpleasant sensation of numbness and “electric” tingling.

And, since the pain does not arise in the humerus, but in the ulnar nerve itself, it spreads throughout the entire arm, right down to the little finger and ring finger.

As unpleasant as this sensation may be, for most people it usually goes away quickly - just massage the elbow for a few minutes.

But imagine that the “electric bone” constantly reminds you of itself, no matter what you do - as if someone is constantly striking your elbow with a small hammer, hitting the nerve over and over again.

This is exactly what people with so-called ulnar syndrome (or, as it is also called, cubital tunnel syndrome) experience.

Illustration copyright Getty Image caption Long conversations on the phone can lead to the development of ulnar syndrome

This disease is not as common as its similar mechanism of development, carpal tunnel syndrome (carpal tunnel syndrome), which affects the wrists.

However, people suffering from ulnar syndrome experience pain and discomfort, and in extreme cases may even lose the use of their arm.

This is the second most common syndrome of its kind after carpal tunnel syndrome.

Splint for the night

The difference between an awkward elbow strike and ulnar syndrome is that in the first case, the ulnar nerve is pinched at one time, and in the second, it is subjected to periodic impacts or is pinched for long periods of time.

For example, the syndrome can develop if the ulnar nerve constantly rubs against the epicondyle during repeated flexion and extension of the elbow, or if the elbow is kept bent for too long - during sleep, or during prolonged telephone conversations with the receiver at the ear.

The most obvious advice in such cases is to avoid activities that cause discomfort.

If you have a habit of keeping your arms bent while you sleep, an arm splint or a towel wrapped around the elbow joint will help.

If painful sensations occur during long conversations on the phone, you should abandon the handset in favor of a headset.

These simple changes in daily activities can bring incredible relief to those suffering from mild forms of ulnar syndrome.

Illustration copyright Getty Image caption In most cases, the discomfort from being hit by an elbow goes away quickly.

However, according to the American Society of Hand Surgery, in some cases it makes sense to agree to surgery to move the nerve to the front of the elbow or to remove part of the bone tissue to relieve pressure on the nerve.

The problem is that doctors cannot reach a consensus on which approach is better - medical or surgical.

In 1989, a physician from Baltimore (USA), Lee Dellon, studied a body of case reports and medical studies published over the previous 100 years, covering over 2,000 patients with ulnar syndrome who required surgery.

According to Dellon, “the approach to treating the syndrome has changed during this period - if earlier doctors believed that almost every case of compression of the ulnar nerve in the elbow area must be treated with surgery, since there were no cases of spontaneous recovery, then relatively recently it was discovered that Some patients can be treated with non-surgical methods."

More than 25 years have passed since then, but little has changed in this area. Thus, a study published in 2014 compared four surgical methods for treating ulnar syndrome, and this year surgeons Prasad Savardeker, Kathy Kindt and Mark Baratz from Pittsburgh, USA published scientific work, in which they write: “There is no single standard for surgical treatment of ulnar syndrome... the currently available data is insufficient to determine the optimal treatment method.”

So the next time you accidentally hit an armrest or a car door handle with your elbow, don’t be upset—it could have been much worse.

1. You need to understand that very rare relationships last your entire life!
   Sooner or later, you may have some kind of discord or breakup, and you will separate.
2. There must be an understanding that in this world, in principle, there is nothing so super stable that it would never leave or collapse.

Understanding this 1 piece of advice from a psychologist on how to get over a breakup with a loved one will greatly enhance your knowledge.

2. Find your favorite activity that you want to do and be passionate about completely and with great passion.

• Regarding your life in general, finding something you want to do, want to live and be passionate about - it greatly supports you emotionally and from all sides!
• Having it, you will not be so jarred and panicked by some kind of loss, even if you broke up with your loved one.
• Your favorite hobby, activity, your own path, the energy and passion invested in it greatly recharges you, gives you a purpose in life, gives you a feeling of pleasure and enjoyment from life.
• Thanks to them, you forget about the gray everyday life, completely penetrate into the process, forgetting everyday trifles and interruptions. You no longer worry about what to do if you get dumped or how to get over it.
• Having broken off the relationship, you can now fully immerse yourself in your favorite thing and fully abide and grow with it further.
• For example, these could be your projects, business ideas, events, your creativity, financial plans, hobbies and favorite sports. Who is good at what.

Always remember about your favorite hobby and passion, put it in first place now, and then you will no longer need the advice of a psychologist on how to survive a breakup with your girlfriend or boyfriend.

3. Realize that relationships, in any case, cannot be a mission and goal in life.

1. Social programming suggests that supposedly relationships– the most important component in life. That is, people make building relationships the main component of life. This is a very common thing that can be observed now.
2. She's so Hollywood and from the movies or from some hidden childhood dreams. It occurs in both men and women. And if you do not get rid of this illusion, you will still need advice from a psychologist on how to survive a breakup with your loved one.
3. There is another wrong belief people have. People come to their soulmate as if under the bosom of a tree from work or school with the conviction “but here I will feel good.”
   And if this happens in your head, then, as a rule, it does not live up to your expectations.
4. Sooner or later the illusions will collapse. To some extent, people can create this illusion for each other, then it all just falls apart.

Relationships are definitely important.

In them we can realize ourselves, let another person realize themselves, establish emotional contact with a partner, make our life and his life easier.

But in general they cannot be a mission.

Relationships in any case cannot be a mission in life!

Illusions of girls

On the part of girls, this thing is present in their heads more often. And therefore they are more likely to need help and different councils psychologist on how to survive a breakup with a loved one.

Girls elevate relationships to a higher rank because they have such a biological factor as family and children.

Your problem is that you needed to distract yourself from tightly clinging to relationships and making them a goal in life.

This will only make things worse for you, because sooner or later your illusions will begin to shatter, and you will again think about what to do when your loved one has left you.

4. Don’t let yourself slide into an emotional hole after a breakup.

1. It is very important when such gaps occur and critical moments are not to let yourself slide into an emotional hole. Some people become depressed. You can learn about ways to get rid of depression. They can last not one day, but even a week or two. This can really undermine you.
2. Emotionally, the problem may be completely trivial. But, for example, a man can fall so emotionally into this gap that he has a desire to go to the mountains, become a monk and do nothing else in this life, or go headlong into business, forgetting about women altogether.
3. Although in reality it’s not all that serious. Anything can happen. Don’t beat yourself up, don’t make mountains out of molehills, and know everything about how to survive a breakup with a girl after long relationship or many years of marriage.

5. Solve the psychological problem first: don’t go to extremes and run to look for a new partner

After a breakup, you may get the feeling that everything needs to be resolved at once, right now.

Problems need to be resolved as they arise.

You don't need to decide everything at once.

First, find harmony with yourself and solve the problem within

If you have an unstable emotional state, depression, then deal with it first.

Some people go to extremes after a breakup and quickly run to look for a new partner.

And this will supposedly be a solution to the problem. This will supposedly close questions about how to survive the pain of parting with a loved one.

Is this a solution?

What mistakes do people make?

People simply cover up their mental wound with a band-aid, looking for a replacement instead of dealing with themselves.

This swing from one extreme to another does not end well.

Accept the state you are in now, see it and tell yourself: “Yes, now I am not yet completely in harmony with myself after the breakup. Well, it’s okay, I’ll solve this issue first, and then we’ll see.”

Remember this and no longer need advice from a psychologist on how to survive a separation from your husband.

6. What Your Brain Can Do to You: The Broken Record Analogy

• All your memories of past loves when everything was good, blooming and smelling - it was just an appearance.
  If that balance were preserved, then this would really be so. And this is an illusory appearance. This is already like a broken record, which is also broken.
• How does your brain play tricks on you? When you had a breakup and there were a lot of mistakes that you don’t even really want to remember, your brain throws this broken record at you.
• You put this broken record in your head, where the smooth melody no longer plays, but an incomprehensible grinding sound, a pitiful semblance of a melody and only unpleasant sounds.
• This record doesn't need to be repaired anymore.!
  You just need to find what you really need!
• There's no need to even try to come back. It's not worth it.
  Approach the situation soberly, and you will know everything about how to start living after breaking up with your loved one.

7. Allow yourself to leave forever: there is nothing left to decide, no need to cling.

Let yourself go forever.

Understand that there is nothing and no one to resolve.

Some of you messed up and it is important to understand that this is normal.

No matter how painful it may be, give yourself the opportunity to leave forever.

Just like your partner gives himself this opportunity.

Every girl and every guy gives himself this opportunity.

Understanding this will close your worries about thoughts about how to survive the breakup of relationships with loved ones.

8. Make a choice to be cool and not needy, remove expectations.

1. A person who is not in need is one who does not cling to other people, tends to give more than to receive and never expects anything from this life! Strive to be one.
2. A person who is not in need does not think about it what you will have in the future (even if there is a 99% guarantee, you do not tell others). You can say: “Yes, I have such plans...”. You're going to do it, but you're not living it.
3. You take what you have at the moment., but you never expect anything to happen in your future - good or bad. It's useless.
4. Those things that you can cling to in life can be so ephemeral and destructible.
5. Your reality should not be based on something external!

A person who is not in need does not need both things and people equally! The paradigm is that they are with them, but there is no fear of loss at all!

A person who is not needy never asks questions about how to continue living after a breakup.

A strong person is only glad that weak people themselves leave his life.

It’s harder for a woman to live like this, but it’s possible. No need to cling to people.

Women have a natural need for a man who will protect her, take care of her, they cling to men. This is their problem!

On our website you can also read about how to get rid of attachment and love addiction.

9. In the next six months or a year, completely change your perception of the relationship.

• After your breakup, don’t immediately cling to a new person and don’t try to make him yours for a very long time.
• This should not be confused with not communicating or getting to know anyone at all. No, you are still communicating and getting close to new people, enjoying the attraction between you.
• But there should not be this desire to make a person your property for some long time.
• You must remove the time frame into which you will begin to unknowingly drive a person.
• Live like this for at least the next six months after the breakup. Then, after six months, based on your inner feelings, you can again return to a long-term relationship with one girl (man).

A subtle point that needs to be implemented

Replace the desire to make a person your property with the desire to make him happy.

The best thing you can do for your partner is to let him live his life to the fullest, and you will be there with him whenever he and you want.

You still truly love your partner, but you don't try to keep him in any way.

You must live your own life and give your partner complete freedom of choice.

Implement this perception and no longer worry about how to get over a breakup with your lover or your secret crush.

The difference between healthy and unhealthy neediness

1. There shouldn't be any border and understanding that the person is yours.
   And then you can always go further in terms of developing your spirituality, your level of happiness and harmony.
2. Yes, you may have a certain percentage of neediness in a new relationship, but this healthy neediness is when you just want to see a person(no matter how you spend your time). You just want to be together.

10. Ask yourself: “Are your feelings and the image of your ex-partner real, or is this your subjective perception?”

Ask yourself questions:

1. Is it real that your ex-partner gives you some feelings, or is it your subjective perception that paints them that way, making him special?
2. If a guy’s perception of his ex-girlfriend as “special”, “giving everyone love” and “increasing well-being” was real, then why don’t all guys perceive her that way?
3. Why don't any of the other people on the planet who are currently around his ex-girlfriend feel better about it as a guy?

Answer

The way a guy perceives ex-girlfriend so cool is his personal subjective perception of the girl.

No one else perceives her like that except him.

All other people see the same girl, the same appearance, her same face, but their well-being does not improve in any way!

And it is very important to realize this in order to close concerns about how easier it is to survive a separation from a loved one.

You yourself draw an addition to the image of your ex, it in no way comes from him himself

1. The guy is simply attached to those old emotions, tactile sensations and past pleasures that they gave each other. His perception paints her as something special, as if she has a halo over her head.
2. The same can be said about former men, for which women continue to pine for no response. Your remaining love after a breakup is only your personal subjective appearance.
3. You yourself and your perception of feelings draw such an addition to ex-person. This addition itself in no way comes from your ex-partner.
4. This image that your perception paints for you does not exist in reality. Remember this and close all your questions about how to survive the pain of breaking up with a married man or someone with whom you would have to break up sooner or later.

11. Your affection is for the feelings and sensations you previously experienced with your partner, not for the person himself.

Understand that you are attached to the feeling, not to the person himself.

This feeling is depicted by your personal subjective perception.

Understand this and it will become much easier for you.

Ask yourself:

1. Why don't you feel this way about yourself?
2. Why does it only occur in relation to other people?

The answer is that you just don't love yourself.

People don’t love themselves and, as a result, need outside help; they ask a psychologist for advice on how to survive a breakup with a husband, boyfriend or female.

12. Really love yourself

When you truly fall in love with yourself, your total love will be much stronger than the feelings you have for your ex.

Your self-love will be the strongest and strongest. No feelings can absorb and bind you.

And then you will forget about attachment to feelings, you will give more to this world.

And then people will begin to reach out to you.

Now you know everything from psychology on the topic of how to survive a breakup with a loved one, and you don’t need any forums.

If you integrate these understandings into your life, then thoughts like “I wish I could move on quickly after a painful breakup” will no longer appear in your head.

You will remove a lot of pain and suffering from the relationship and begin to look at things more objectively.

It's your life, make the right choice!

The pain of having your heart broken is terrible. Everything becomes unimportant except the lost relationship. We can barely cope with thinking normally and somehow surviving a breakup, and sometimes we can’t cope. We seem to be lost in the fog, trapped, alone in our destroyed world. Before our eyes there is only the person who broke our hearts, and the only feeling we know is terrible pain.

Why does it hurt so much? What needs to be done to overcome this difficult period in life? Let's try to figure it out and change our lives for the better.

We can't trust our minds when our hearts are broken

To stop suffering, you need to accept reality and make an effort to move on with your life. We need to reduce the amount of time we spend thinking about the person who broke our heart. In this case, we should slowly and steadily reduce the role it plays in our lives and in our thoughts.

But our mind wants something exactly the opposite. He wants us to still think about the person who hurt us and never forget the reason for the suffering. Thus, our mind tries to “protect” us in the only way available to it. If something gives us pain, such as touching a hot stove, then the mind tells us to remember the pain we felt when we touched it for the first time. The more painful the experience, the more effort our mind puts into remembering it to avoid making the same “mistake” again. The pain of a broken heart is so intense that our brain does everything to prevent us from forgetting about it. The thoughts he is trying to suggest to us often take the same forms:

1. Ex-partner was the best person in the world

The mind tries to remind you only of the best traits of your ex-partner. Such images appear in our heads without our will. However, this is a biased, unrealistic and idealized portrait of the person who broke your heart.

2. The relationship consisted entirely of happy moments.

No union consists of only happy moments. It is also worth remembering the unpleasant, irritating and painful moments that also occurred.

Try to realize the traps into which your mind drives you, and it will become easier to survive the breakup.

3. If we connect with him, we will feel better.

The urge to text, send an email, or post on social media can be very strong. However, by doing this, we will inevitably feel desperate and our self-esteem will suffer greatly.

4. Talking about the breakup with all your friends will ease your pain.

Talking about painful events can be helpful if it serves to solve a problem or satisfy a need to be understood. However, repeating the same details over and over again will make you feel worse.

5. We must know exactly the reasons for the failure

Understanding the cause of the breakdown can actually come in handy. However, few of us will ever get the chance to get a clear and honest explanation. Because of this, it is better to stick to the theory that the other person does not love you as much as you would like, or you are simply not suitable for him.