home Makeup Specifics of child behavior in a foster family. Raising a child in a foster family. Adaptation of adopted children in a new family

Specifics of child behavior in a foster family. Raising a child in a foster family. Adaptation of adopted children in a new family

Raising adopted children is a very complex and controversial matter. Let's try to look at it more specifically. Since I worked a lot in the Children's Home, and also dealt with adoption issues, I have something to say and show to future parents, even just analyzing situations from the inside of the perception of the child and future parents.

When I came to work at the Children's Home, there was a waiting list for children to be adopted. Future parents waited 5 years for their turn. The adoption process was long and difficult. During the years of perestroika everything changed. They began to place children in families quickly and in large numbers. Sick and healthy. Ours and foreigners. A stream of adoptive parents has formed.

Adoption is a complex and lengthy process

Future parents should imagine the difficulties that await them and be prepared to overcome them. Only then will they be able to raise a healthy and full-fledged child.

People who dream of adopting a baby want to do a good deed. They sincerely wish him well, they want him to become their favorite child. But suddenly it turns out that the nice little man is turning into an embittered animal before our eyes. He doesn't want anything. Doesn't eat. Not sleeping. He's being capricious. Falls to the floor and throws tantrums. Finally he gets sick and has neurotic reactions. Parents are scared. What to do? How to deal with all this?

Difficulties of social adaptation

All this can be avoided if you act correctly during the adaptation period. Expectant parents do not need to rush to take their child home. It is better to visit him in the Children's Home for 2-3 months. Play with him, walk him, hold him in your arms. Observe what he is like, what he likes, what he doesn’t like. How he behaves - separately from other children. Get involved with him on a personal level, emotional connections.

Communicate more with your child. Let the child wait for you and rejoice at your arrival. And it's not about toys and gifts. Wait for the child to develop a feeling of security and safety in your presence. And only after that you can take the baby to visit you. Then on weekends and holidays. After the child strives to go home, leave him for a longer time.

If during the first month the child becomes whiny and irritable, it would be good to go with him to visit the children at the Children's Home - this often relieves stress. Don't let this scare you. Due to the peculiarities of the nervous system of children under three years of age, their disrupted behavior can be easily restored with timely and correct education.

Children are adopted more often

Children are adopted from the Orphanage much more often than from orphanages and boarding schools. Since than younger child, the easier he adapts to new conditions, the easier it is to love him, the better he will develop. And yet, raising children without parents is difficult. These are difficult children. From the point of view of System-Vector Psychology Yuri Burlan, the children of the Orphanage have lost the sense of security and safety that the mother gives the child. Adoptive parents need to work hard to warm up the baby, return this feeling to him and gain trust from him.

Features of children at orphanages and what to do about it

Children from orphanages get tired and excited quickly. It is difficult for them to get used to new people, new conditions. For some, this manifests itself as negativism - denial of everything and everyone. Others scream, cry, excessive intrusiveness. Children of orphanages lack vivid impressions; they don’t know many household items, with which children from families are familiar from the first days of life.

It is advisable for parents to walk more with their child, travel, and not in a stroller, but on foot. Then the child will be able to see more and touch what interests him. The baby can pick grass, a flower, pick up a pebble, touch a dog, and so on.

Also, they don’t have enough affection, attention, love. Children are never alone, cannot be alone, get tired of large quantities children, adults, from noise, from one’s own scream. Their behavior is characterized by instability of the emotional state. It is enough for one child to scream and cry - all the children in the group begin to scream along with him.

Parents' actions

Adopted children really need extra attention, affection, and touches. They need to be hugged, kissed, carried in your arms, and stroked as often as possible. This is especially necessary for children with a skin vector; they come to psychological comfort when they are stroked or massaged.

Observe what your child does without your participation. Will he look at a book, draw, build a building out of blocks, or run, jump, scream. This will make it easier for you to decide on its vectors and understand how to quickly adapt it and develop your talents to the maximum.

It is not advisable to introduce a large number of people, relatives, or other children from the first days. Gradually expand your child's social circle. Since the child needs time to adapt to new living conditions. To believe that he has his own mother, who loves, who will not leave, who is always with him. We need to try and give him the missing feeling of security and safety. Sometimes this takes months and even years.

If your child has distracted attention

Children from the orphanage often have distracted attention. They cannot maintain their attention on a certain object, toy, or task for a sufficient amount of time. This happens because these children have a slower pace of learning, they need longer repetition of the same task or activity. Mental processes - memory, attention, thinking - are slowly formed.

Parents need to attract the child's attention to the subject in a variety of ways. Look at it, touch it, taste it, move it, hide it, find it. It is not advisable to provide your child with many toys at once, as this does not allow him to concentrate. The child grabs everything at once, throws it, sorts it out, breaks it, but does not know how to take care of one toy. In any case, adopted children most of all need the warmth and attention of adults. If you play together and accept the child with all his characteristics, attention will gradually improve.

Flexible daily routine

With all the love, affection and attention, parents must observe reasonable strictness and daily routine. Many children at the Children's Home are physically weakened; a daily routine is simply necessary for them.

It can be adapted to your capabilities and lifestyle. The regime can be flexible, in accordance with the individual characteristics of the child. It is especially needed for children with skin vector. After all, children with the skin vector need restrictions in order for its properties to develop correctly. You can read more about this in the article.

“Bad” habits or “hospitalism”

As a result of imitating each other, children can easily develop bad habits and stereotypical movements. This is facilitated by fatigue, lack of employment, long waits for attention, and uninteresting activities. Some children have the habit of rocking, sucking fingers, rubbing or banging their heads or other parts of the body against the crib or wall; this comes from insufficient attention, the so-called “hospitalism”.

Hospitalism is a lack of communication between a child and close adults. This is a medical term. From the point of view of system-vector psychology, this is a consequence of the child’s loss of a sense of security and safety in infancy, his isolation. Many children at the Children's Home are constantly hungry and love a lot of sweets. With this they make up for the lack of love, attention, touch. Parents should not allow abuse of food and sweets. It is better to replace them with love, emotional connection and tenderness.

Quiet music helps you fall asleep

Children need to be protected from fatigue and overwork. Follow a routine and go to bed on time. If your child has difficulty falling asleep, you can give him soft toy to the crib (especially if he has a visual vector). You can turn on calm classical music - this helps you fall asleep (for children with a sound vector, this is useful in terms of developing concentration skills). Unfortunately, this is not very practiced in orphanages, but it can be easily organized in a family. The skinman needs to jump and run to his heart's content in order to sleep sweetly. Otherwise, he will fidget and itch for a long time before falling asleep.

How to communicate with a child? Speech development

The lack of vivid impressions, the slow acquisition of new skills, the inability to transfer new knowledge into independent activities - all this leads to developmental delays. Speech also suffers. It is primitive, monotonous, monotonous. Children use a small number of nouns and onomatopoeia. Pronunciation is unclear.

When communicating with a child, you need to name all household items, furniture, toys. Name it precisely, clearly, in one word: “This is a crib. This is a bear. This is a spoon." In order for the child to hear the correct pronunciation from the first days. It is necessary to exclude lisping words, this delays the development of speech. At the next stage, we teach how to answer the question “What does it do?” - “the bear sits, stands, plays” and so on. Then the question “Which?” - “the ball is round, red, big.”

Are bans necessary?

An important role in education is played by the ability of adults to correctly use prohibitions. According to system-vector psychology, both adults and children need prohibitions. For example:

1. You should not hit children, but especially children with the skin vector, this can lead them to an unsuccessful scenario in life.
2. You should not shout at children, especially at sound people, this can cause them to be delayed. mental development, and even autism.
3. You should not scare children, especially visual ones; their fears can turn into phobias.
4. You cannot push a child with an anal vector, he may fall into a stupor and you will not achieve anything from him.
You can read more.

This cannot be done, but this can be done

The child must know and understand the word “no”. There is no need to abuse it. But the baby must clearly understand some rules in the family, in communicating with others. There shouldn't be many prohibitions for children. Any NO is stressful for the child. But explaining to children why it is “impossible” and offering an alternative instead of what is forbidden will be the right approach.

For example: “You can’t hit mom in the face, because it hurts mom. But you can hit a ball - it will only jump joyfully”, “You can’t throw a cup on the floor, it will break, but a ball, a cube - you can”, “You can’t pull a cat’s tail, the cat is alive, it hurts, it will scratch you - but you can use a rope pull”, “You can’t tear a book, but you can tear a newspaper.” And it is very useful to tear, and crush, and cut, and smooth - the fingers work, fine motor skills develop.

What is dear to you, but a child can break or break it, is better to temporarily put it away, higher up. It is good to use positive phrases when talking to your child. Say less: “don’t run”, “don’t touch”, “don’t shout”, “don’t climb”. Use more: “go run”, “go touch”, “speak calmly”, “do you need this?”

To praise or not to praise?

Children with an anal vector must be praised; praise supports their desire to work and complete the task. True, you need to praise only for the task, and not just like that: “You did it well, drew it, built it.” When praised, as well as when prohibited and reprimanded, such children become unsure of themselves. The anal-visual person begins to earn approval, becomes dependent on praise and therefore cannot find himself in life.

It is better to encourage skin children with purchases, gifts, and the opportunity to purchase something. They don't need praise, they need something material. True, this is about older children. Visual children need an emotional response: “How beautiful!”, “Simply beautiful!” and the opportunity to express your emotions and feelings yourself.

Higher advice is given regarding all children adopted in the Children's Home. The following recommendations are given taking into account the knowledge of system-vector psychology and relate to individual differences in children.

Who needs strict discipline?

If your child has the cutaneous vector, he should be raised with strict discipline and restrictions. Since his nature allows him to become an athlete, military man or entrepreneur in the future. Physical punishment should not be applied to this child; this can slow down his mental and physical development. But you can limit your child in time - “You will only watch cartoons for 15 minutes”, in space - “Sit in your room”, in movement - “Sit on a chair while the children play.”

Smart, obedient, indecisive

Such methods of education cannot be applied to a child with an anal vector. This child values quality, so he can be slow, even indecisive, and lives in his own rhythm. He cannot be rushed, urged on, or his efforts devalued. He just needs to be given more time for all things and praised for a job well done.

Your child has golden hands, he loves to learn, but you need to teach him to finish his work to the end. In the future, he may be a master of his craft, a teacher.

Sensitive, emotional, tender

Children with a visual vector are very emotional, sensitive, and loving. But they have a lot of fears, which often turn into hysterics. They are afraid of everything: the dark, closed spaces, loneliness, Baba Yaga. These fears must be carefully translated into acceptance, compassion, and love. To do this, you can use classical literature, drawing, fairy tales with a good ending.
Such children become strongly attached to toys, animals, and loved ones. If they lose these emotional connections, they suffer greatly, even to the point of severe loss of vision.

Autistic or future genius

This child seems strange. He is unsociable, loves solitude, and is reserved. Constantly thinking about something, with a vacant look. Such a child cannot tolerate noise or screams. He needs to create a background of silence at home. He will hear you better if you talk to him almost in a whisper. Screaming can lead to a halt in his mental development, to apathy, depression and even autism.

These children can be very gifted. You need to send them to a music or math school. A chess club is also suitable for such children. In the future, they may be interested in physics, mathematics, space and other sciences.

Understanding the child and acting in his interests is the main task of education

Adopting a child is a complex issue and requires serious, including psychological, preparation. Understanding the child’s innate desires, which depend on the set of his vectors, helps create such closeness and trust between parents and baby.
And for this understanding to happen, we strongly recommend that you attend free online lectures on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. Register.

The article was written using materials

There are times in life when people think about adopting a foster child. This may be a consequence of various reasons: an altruistic desire to help an orphaned child, the inability for some reason to give birth to one’s own child, the desire to large family in the absence of health for the independent birth of many children. But whatever the real reason for adoption, future parents (or a parent) will certainly be faced with the question of how difficult it will be to raise an adopted child, what problems may arise in connection with adoption, and how to help the adopted child adapt to a new family?

The main problems associated with the adoption of a child and his upbringing can be divided into 3 groups:

1) Child adaptation and relationships with adoptive parents

It is very important for adoptive parents to understand one thing: no matter what age you accept a child into your family, the negative experience of the past will still put pressure on him. And no matter how you show your love for him, no matter how hard you try to be good parents for him, the child’s mental trauma will still manifest itself. This kind of manifestation can be different: anxiety, sleep disturbance, appetite, the appearance of inappropriate reactions to any actions of the adoptive parents. Usually, when parents welcome a foster child into their home, they think: “Now we will provide him with a warm, cozy home, delicious food, surround him with warmth and care. We will be able to give him the love that his biological parents deprived him of.” But, thinking to themselves this way, adoptive parents do not take into account one important detail: It is much easier for them to give love to an adopted child than for him to accept it. The fact is that abandoned children are special, and in communicating with them and raising them, difficulties arise that cannot be resolved with love alone. The burden of an adopted child’s past will sooner or later lead to the fact that he will begin to wonder: why did this happen, why was I abandoned? And at this stage it is necessary to provide the baby with timely psychological support, otherwise his internal experiences will spill out, manifesting themselves in the form of bad, provocative or rejecting behavior: he may start swearing, rocking, sucking his finger, smearing excrement on the walls, peeing or come up with something more “original” only to cause self-rejection.

But there is another extreme. It happens that a child, having not received proper care from adults in infancy, can, on the contrary, be very trusting and easily go into everyone’s arms, call everyone mom and dad, but it is just as easy to forget. Such a child easily agrees with everything that is told to him, he is passive and, in fact, is not attached to anyone. Such children experience serious difficulties in establishing close contacts and permanent relationships, which must be taken into account when raising them.

And both of these extremes are a normal psychological reaction of a person to the fact that he was once abandoned and betrayed. The fact is that both extremes are aimed at only one thing: not to become attached to anyone, so as not to be deceived and betrayed again. The first extreme is aimed at alienation from oneself loving people, which is an installation: to provoke rejection, which he himself is afraid of, that is, to reject him himself before they abandon him. The second extreme is aimed at not allowing yourself to become attached to anyone. Thus, the child subconsciously decides for himself that allowing himself to love and be loved is too dangerous for him.

As a rule, adoptive parents cannot understand what is happening to their child: he can leave with anyone or provoke him to be abandoned. In such a situation, the most important thing in raising a foster child is not to be left alone with your problems, but to turn to a psychologist for professional help.

Sometimes a child can show special “inventiveness” and, instead of becoming a “connecting link,” prefer one particular family member - mom or dad. If the family is not very strong, this can lead to divorce. Many families in such situations rush to abandon the further education of such a child, thereby causing him yet another psychological trauma. But the guardianship authorities have their own sanction in this regard: abandoned adoptive parents are deprived of parental rights, and no other guardianship authority will give them an adopted child to care for. In addition, according to Article 143 Family Code, “The court, based on the interests of the child, has the right to oblige the former adoptive parent to pay funds for the maintenance of the child...”.

2) Heredity

Let's not lie - of course, the topic of heredity worries adoptive parents and is a certain problem in education, because of which many are simply afraid to accept children from orphanage. After all, everyone knows the fact that psychological problems It can be corrected, but “you can’t fight against heredity.” Basically, this fear is associated with the opinion that has existed for many years and is still current that children in orphanages are all born from alcoholics, drug addicts and criminals, and the vices of their parents will certainly be inherited and will sooner or later appear. But geneticists have their own opinion on this matter. They say that upbringing and heredity have the same influence on personality development. But no one is immune from crime, drug addiction or alcoholism - otherwise why do people with such vices sometimes appear in quite prosperous families?

There is also an opinion that the biological parents of children who end up in orphanages often have hereditary mental illnesses. Yes, indeed, many abandoned children have parents who suffer from this kind of illness, but it should also be noted that not all of them are hereditary.

And in general, genetics is a rather inexact science. After all, genes have the property of “hiding” for several generations, and appearing only in the third or fourth. But one way or another, every person has “bad” genes - and when they will appear and whether they will appear at all - this is a complex question and does not have a clear answer.

3) Health

The issue of an adopted child’s health can be considered related to the issue of heredity, since both of these issues provoke similar fears and problems in raising adopted children and are also resolved in a similar way. Where do these fears come from?

The fact is that many potential adoptive parents believe that children kept in orphanages are not in good health. This is partly true. The medical records of such children indicate many diagnoses, but a significant part of these diagnoses are established immediately after the children are born and most of them are good care and education quickly disappears. However, the longer the baby stays in the orphanage, where his care, of course, leaves much to be desired, the more “baggage” of diagnoses he can collect for himself. But all these problems in most cases can be solved if the child gets into loving family, where he will be provided with decent care, treatment and education. It is also worth mentioning that only a small part of the diagnoses included in the adopted child’s medical record may require long-term treatment. But, of course, it would not be superfluous to conduct a medical diagnosis of a new family member in order to prevent the appearance of some diseases that the adoptive parents may not be aware of.

The only pitfall is that some diseases can appear with age. But, unfortunately, no one is immune from this. After all, this could, God forbid, happen to own child, but you won’t give up on him because of this, will you? Therefore, both when having your own child and when deciding on an adopted child, you need to determine for yourself that you are ready to accept him as he is. And, as practice shows, having decided this for themselves, adoptive parents forget all their fears and stop worrying about possible illnesses of their adopted child. And, of course, it is worth remembering that in orphanages there are also absolutely healthy children who turned out to be orphans due to various tragic circumstances.

Conclusion

What can be summarized and what should you be guided by when deciding to take such a serious step - to take an adopted child into your family to raise? First of all, you need to clearly understand that you are taking in a sick baby - a sick child, first of all, mentally, and sometimes spiritually, whose healing will take time. And if you are not ready for this, it is better not to make mistakes.

It is also important to understand for yourself that to raise an adopted child, it is not enough just to be kind, loving heart and a desire to help. We must, first of all, be guided by healthy realism. Yes, you are ready to take this baby, he is ready to accept you - but that’s not all. First of all, imagine what you want your child to be like: what he should look like, what he should say, what he should love, how he should learn. Introduced? Now understand: your child, no matter how hard you try to raise him this way, will NEVER fit this image. And this applies not only to an adopted child, but also to a native one. Therefore, let us repeat once again probably the most important thing when deciding to take a child from an orphanage: you must accept him as he is. And under no circumstances should you expect him to meet all your expectations and become what you want him to be. Only in this case will your endeavor be crowned with success, the problems of raising an adopted child will not look so threatening - and the baby will be happy in your family.

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Adoptive parents often strive to give the child all those feelings that he was deprived of the entire time he was in the orphanage. The main thing is that the love of parents does not develop into permissiveness.

Adaptation of an adopted child to a new family can occur in different ways. An adopted child obeys his new parents in everything for a certain time, and then, on the contrary, becomes disobedient. Therefore, there will be nothing wrong if you reprimand your child about his bad behavior right away, despite the fact that he endured a lot of suffering in his “past life.” Adoptive parents should remember that, for example, in a children's home, children, as a rule, are given harsh comments, often shouting. And, naturally, that adopted child sometimes does not respond to your comments made in a calm and even voice. The way out of this situation is simple: you always have time to shout, so try repeating your remark several times in an even voice, while looking the baby in the eyes. The upbringing of an adopted child will be of better quality if new parents show by personal example how to act correctly in a given situation, and what is wrong.

Adaptation of an adopted child to a new family will be associated with another problem: with the child’s things, with his toys, with clothes. The fact is that in a children's home, children, as a rule, do not have many of their own things. For example, a jacket or hat that a baby walked in today may be a promise for another child tomorrow. Once in a new family, the adopted child simply will not be able to understand for a certain time: Why can’t you take this or that thing? Therefore, the task of new parents will be to explain, patiently and clearly, that this is now the child’s personal thing, and “this hat” is another child’s and cannot be taken.

Raising an adopted child may be associated with another problem: the child’s “fearlessness.” Foster children very often begin to go where they shouldn’t and take everything at home and on the street. This behavior of the baby is explained by the fact that he simply does not have any experience in handling potentially dangerous objects. Adoptive parents must be very vigilant and constantly explain to the child what can be taken and what is dangerous and it is better not to touch it

Some adoptive parents are faced with the fact that the child begins to demand attention from everyone around him, even strangers. This behavior is easy to explain. A child who is used to no one caring about him suddenly sees that in his new family he has become the center of attention. Adopted children in such a situation want to get attention for the future, as if for future use. What to do in such a situation? Nothing, just survive this time and everything will fall into place.

Raising adopted children requires new parents to pay extra attention when walking in public places. The fact is that adopted children very often pay attention to those around them who smile at them, and the child can easily go somewhere with someone else’s uncle or aunt. This behavior is explained by the fact that the baby, firstly, is accustomed to unconditionally obeying adults in the child’s home, and, secondly, the baby simply likes that they pay attention to him. After all, he had never felt this before. Therefore, when in a public place or just on the street, adoptive parents should not let their guard down for a second.

Adaptation of an adopted child to a new family may be associated with problems with the baby's sleep. There is no consensus on this issue. Each child is a person, an individual. An adopted child should ideally fall asleep in his own room. But this is not always possible, so try different variants falling asleep and, in the end, a solution to the problem will be found.

Adoptive parents, sooner or later, will ask themselves: is the adopted child’s adaptation to the family going well? Of course, the most the best option In resolving this issue, it is necessary to seek help and advice from a specialist. Well, what if adoptive parents do not have the opportunity to consult a psychologist? Experts identify several signs by which it can be determined that the adaptation of an adopted child is proceeding correctly.

Adoptive parents should pay attention to the child's facial expressions. If the adopted child’s facial expressions have become more lively, it means that the adaptation process is proceeding correctly. An adopted child must show interest in his surroundings. The baby must actively take various objects and study them at a sensory level. When a stressful situation arises, the baby hides behind you and seeks support from the parents - this is also a sign that you are doing everything right and have become close to the adopted child.

Adaptation of an adopted child proceeds correctly if the baby begins to show his will and character: he refuses something, he has his favorite food, favorite activities, favorite toys. The success of adaptation and upbringing is also manifested in the fact that the adopted child is not afraid to look you in the eyes during a conversation, and when asked where his parents are, he immediately, without getting confused, points to you. If, while playing on the playground, your baby periodically looks for you with his eyes and refuses various offers and advances from strangers, then this means that you are doing everything right. And lastly, if the adopted child understands your prohibitions, which are said in a calm voice, then this means that mutual understanding has been found between you and the child.

“Features of raising adopted children”

Childhood is a period when the fundamental qualities of a person are laid, ensuring psychological stability, a positive attitude towards others, moral guidelines, vitality and determination. These spiritual qualities of the individual are not formed spontaneously; they develop in conditions of parental love, when the family creates in the child the need to be recognized, the ability to empathize and enjoy other people, and to bear responsibility for himself and others.

A child who has lost his parents is a special, truly tragic world.

Causes of orphanhood

1. Parents (most often the mother) voluntarily give up their minor child, and more often this is observed in infancy, abandonment of a newborn in a maternity hospital, abandoned newborns.

2. Forced removal of a child from the family, when parents are deprived of parental rights in order to protect the interests of the child

3. Death of parents. This may also include children lost due to any natural or social disasters that force the country's population to chaotic migration.

Family education of an adopted child has its own specifics, due to psychological characteristics orphans. All adopted children, at one time or another in their lives, were deprived of the constant love and care of a significant adult. Therefore, they often suffer from various chronic health problems and neurotic disorders. They need long-term treatment of body and soul.

Raising foster children is a big, difficult, but good deed, a spiritual feat and spiritual work. Both adopted children and parents have to go through a very difficult and a long way until a truly close, trusting relationship is established between them. To better understand a child’s behavior, it is necessary to know the stages of his adaptation to new family conditions.

Stages of child adaptation in the family.

"Dating" or "Honeymoon"". Here there is an anticipatory attachment to each other. Parents want to warm the child, give him all the accumulated need for love. The child experiences pleasure from his new position, he is ready for life in the family. He gladly does everything that adults offer. Many children they immediately begin to call adults dad and mom. But this does not mean at all that they have already fallen in love - they have. they just want to love their new parents. You will notice that the child experiences both joy and anxiety at the same time. This leads many children into a feverishly excited state. They are fussy, restless, cannot concentrate on something for a long time, and grab onto a lot.

Parent's position

The second stage can be defined as "Return to the Past"", or "Regression"The first impressions have subsided, the euphoria has passed, a certain order has been established, a painstaking and lengthy process of getting used to, family members getting used to each other begins - mutual adaptation. The child understands that these are different people, there are different rules in the family. He cannot adapt immediately to a new relationship. There is a very painful breakdown of the existing stereotype of behavior. Psychological barriers may be detected: incompatibility of temperaments, character traits, your habits and the habits of the child. Many adults who are faced with these problems do not have enough strength, and most importantly, the patience to wait until the child does what they need. Attempts to rely on their life experience, on the fact that they were raised this way, often fail. To attract attention, the child may change behavior in unexpected ways. Therefore, it should not surprise you that a cheerful, active child suddenly became capricious: he cries often and for a long time, starts fighting with his parents or with his brother or sister (if he has one), and does things that they don’t like out of spite. And a gloomy, withdrawn person begins to show interest in his surroundings, especially when no one is watching him, acts on the sly, or becomes unusually active, restless, and fussy.

Parent's position: do not panic, sincerely express your feelings and your demands through the “I-message”. Let your child know that you want to understand him and help him. On your own or in consultation with a psychologist, gain knowledge about the characteristics of age, the ability to establish contact, trusting relationships and choose the desired communication style.

Third stage - " Habituation" or "Slow Recovery ". You may notice that the child has somehow suddenly matured. Tension disappears, children begin to joke and discuss their problems and difficulties with adults. The child gets used to the rules of behavior in the family and in the children's institution. He begins to behave as naturally as he behaves. The child accepts himself as a natural child in his blood family. Active participation in all family matters. Without tension, he remembers his past life. Behavior corresponds to character traits and is completely adequate to situations.

Parent's position: At this stage you can talk to the child about his real parents, answer all children's questions about his past life(if he asks them). Answer sincerely, without criticizing the past and without comparisons with the present. You can admit your mistakes, mistakes, talk about your expectations. It is important that your child knows that you are doing everything possible for his well-being (at least, you are trying very hard to do so).
Speaking about raising adopted children, it should be emphasized that often foster parents have to deal with "re-education". Therefore, it is very important for adoptive parents to be flexible who are able, if necessary, to change the strategy of family education, selecting methods and techniques that are suitable specifically for their child.
Adoptive parents MAY NOT:

1. Emotionally rejecting a child. Hidden emotional rejection manifests itself in global dissatisfaction with the child, the constant feeling of the parents that he is not “the one”, not “that”. Sometimes emotional rejection is masked by exaggerated care and attention, but reveals itself as irritation, lack of sincerity in communication, an unconscious desire to avoid close contacts, and, on occasion, to somehow free oneself from the burden. Emotional rejection is equally harmful to all children.

2. Demand excessive moral responsibility , which does not correspond to the age and real capabilities of the child. Requirements for uncompromising honesty, a sense of duty, decency, placing responsibility on the child for the lives and well-being of others, persistent expectations of great success in life - all this is naturally combined with ignoring the child’s real needs, his own interests, and insufficient attention to his characteristics.

3. Exercise educational control through deliberate deprivation of love . Undesirable behavior (for example, disobedience), insufficient achievements or carelessness in everyday life are punished by demonstrating to the child that “they don’t need him like that, mom doesn’t like him like that.” They do not talk to the child, do not discuss his actions, but pointedly ignore him. In a child, such an attitude gives rise to a powerless feeling of rage and anger, outbursts of destructive aggression, behind which there is a desire to prove one’s existence, to penetrate the family “we” right through; the parent then either goes to peace out of fear of aggression, or through retaliatory aggression (slaps, blows) tries to overcome the wall of alienation he himself created. Obedience is achieved at the cost of devaluing the “I.” The child feels unhappy and lonely.

4. Exercise educational control by inducing feelings of guilt : a child who violates the ban is branded by his parents as “ungrateful”, “betraying love”, “causing so much grief”, “leading to heart attacks”, etc. The development of independence is constrained by the child’s constant fear of being to blame for the troubles of the parents, by relationships of dependence.
Educational skills of foster parents

Formation of new skills

Parent's position: systematic stimulation of new skills, anticipatory praise(not for the result, but for the desire to do it; praise is not for a good deed, but for not doing something bad).

Expanding the social circle of an adopted child

comfortable environment

Parent's position: gradually teach children the skills of interacting with various people during play and learning activities. Shape positive perception of others.

Maintaining the position of a significant adult

Parent's position:

ensure safety (protect the child from possible unfair attacks from others. The child is prohibited only from things that are dangerous to his life and health. The prohibition is given with an alternative. For example: “this is not possible, but this is possible...)
sharpen situations of child success, instill self-confidence
separate the act from the child’s personality (evaluate a specific act, not the personality in general)
on family council establish general, clear and unambiguous rules for all family members, determine rewards and punishments for observing or ignoring them.

Stimulating the child's active position

Parent's position: provide the child with independence, the right to make mistakes and gain their own life experience.

Creating a space of Love