Question for psychologists

Lately, my husband and I often have an argument about whether it is necessary to leave the child overnight with the grandparents unless absolutely necessary. We have 2 sons. The oldest is 2 years 9 months, the youngest is 9 months. When my youngest son was born, I tried not to separate the children so that the eldest would get used to the fact that there was another child in the house. But soon the eldest went to kindergarten, began to get sick often, and recently we needed to isolate him for 2 weeks so as not to infect the younger one with an infectious disease. First we took him to my parents. I’ll say right away that we are very lucky with our grandparents on both sides, they are very caring, always help out, the children love them very much, we often visit them, they often come to us, and several times the eldest even asked to stay with grandma for the night ( both one and the other). And grandmothers often ask to leave their grandson with them for a while. This time he also happily went to them and for the first days everything was fine, then he began to ask to go home. Because We couldn’t bring him home yet, so as not to infect the youngest, we moved him to other grandparents. on the very first evening he didn’t want to let us go, then he somehow reconciled himself, but I feel that the child misses us, no matter how good it is with his grandparents. The husband believes that this is because he is not used to staying with his grandparents. and I believe that children should not be left with their grandparents unless absolutely necessary. I want my brothers to be always (if possible) together, so that they have a sense of home and family. Tell me whether it is necessary to regularly leave children with their grandparents without special need, simply at the request of the child or grandparent.
Thank you in advance.

4 pieces of advice were received - consultations from psychologists, to the question: Is it worth leaving the child at grandma's overnight?

Olga! The relationships between generations in your family are just the relationships between generations in your family. If you don’t expect such distortions as in the film “Bury Me Behind the Baseboard,” then there’s no point in arguing.

Act in the interests of the children, but do not forget about yourself. First of all, you, your husband and your children are your family. In our society, as a rule, it is parents who instill in their children standards of morality and behavior. Whereas, grandparents allow their children everything, give them complete freedom. A reasonable balance between both is necessary for the full development of any child. And always, at all times, the regulation of this ratio has been a problem for parents.

I suggest you turn your attention not to the subject of the dispute, but to the very fact of its existence. As a rule, the subject of dispute in intra-family conflicts is not worth a damn.

I recommend contacting a specialist in person, but not to solve your grandparents’ problems, but so that you and your husband can learn to argue productively, coming to a common opinion. The skills to resolve conflicts in their infancy between you and your husband will maintain a favorable climate for the development of your children in your multi-generational family.

Olga, your feelings and sensations (“I feel that the child misses us, no matter how good it is with his grandparents... I believe that children should not be left with their grandparents unless absolutely necessary. I want the brothers were always (if possible) together so that they had a sense of home and family ") - absolutely true! It’s not often that you meet a person who is so sensitive to how good it will be for both the children and themselves (and even for their grandparents)!

You and your husband were lucky not with your grandparents (maybe with them too, most likely!), but with your parents. For a baby (2 years 9 months - a baby too!) any separation from his mother is a trauma! You can’t protect yourself from all infections, and getting sick in your mother’s arms is better than not getting sick elsewhere... This does not diminish the role of the older generation! It’s just that mom (and dad, of course) at this stage are very important, their presence, touches, words, glances!

Hello Olga! If you hear your child, then refusing him will also not be very favorable - yes, children like to stay with their grandparents, especially if there is such an opportunity, then rather these connections help him form a broad idea of ​​\u200b\u200bfamily - where there are relationships between the younger generation and we fear where there is love and respect, that he is loved and he is loved, that he himself also loves all his relatives - this is also a big plus and happiness that you have the opportunity to maintain these relationships! Yes, children can also miss their parents during a long separation and this is also normal - these stays and overnight stays are good as long as it brings pleasure and comfort to the child himself, but when there is a desire to be with his parents, to feel their warmth and care, then such a refusal will be more painful - sometimes there are cases (for example, with the illness of a younger child) - when there may be a need to separate from parents and family - but then it is important for him to explain how long you will be gone (days), when you will call and why you are taking him away - “so that do not infect" - call and communicate! The most important thing in extended families is to maintain this balance - and to have communication with older relatives (contact is very important for children and this contact is very interesting to them) and with parents and brothers and sisters. The relationship between brothers also needs to be built - not just physical presence nearby, but explained to both of them and helped to find solutions together - to understand the connection between them! and there may be a completely different question - how comfortable are these separations for you - since this is also your family - if there is a need to be together and more often - be there - if the child asks and you can allow him to do so - allow it - on the contrary, it will help him form a more complete a sense of security, a sense of trust! Olga, if you have any other questions and you want to discuss them and really understand the situation, you can feel free to contact me - call me - I will be only happy to help you!

Hello Olga! You subtly feel the child’s mood, that it is very important for him to be with his parents. There is probably no need to torture a child and leave him with his grandmothers for “educational purposes.” You have to trust yourself and your feelings. At this age, contact with parents and especially with mother is very important for a child. When he is ready, he himself will tell you about it. Then he might be interested in visiting his grandparents. Then you'll have to meet him halfway with this. To avoid infecting a child with an infectious disease, hygiene measures are sufficient. Separate dishes, ventilation of premises, and most importantly maintenance Have a good mood. Then one child will not necessarily become infected from another. Excessive worry about this can only make the situation worse. After all, your anxiety is involuntarily transmitted to the child. And psychological anxiety sooner or later turns into physical.

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The reasons why you decide to leave your baby in the care of your grandmother for a long time can be varied. Perhaps you have not yet returned to work, but want to relax with your husband in warm countries only double. Or you already work and are not happy about your little one going to school in the summer? kindergarten. Who will come to the rescue? Of course grandma!

Marina, 23 years old: “Our daughter is 2 years 1 month old. At work, my husband was given a ticket to a sanatorium by the sea, but children are only accepted there from 4 years old. The issue seems to have been resolved, we are going, we have agreed with the grandmothers, they will take care of our granddaughter. But I can’t sleep at night and I’m slowly going crazy: I can’t imagine leaving my baby.”

The fact that a child needs preparation for staying in a new place and for separation from his home does not raise any objections. But parents need preparation for separation from their child no less. Mothers begin to worry long before they have to leave their baby. Guilt is what haunts parents! “Am I a good mother if I leave my child with my grandmother?” – this question is most relevant if parents go on vacation and do not stay in the city to work. Try not to feel guilty about “leaving” your child. You really deserve it, because the first 2-3 years of a baby's life are very stressful for his parents. And for a child, separation can be no less useful. Mothers who leave their children in the care of their relatives for several weeks then find their babies matured and acquired many new skills. To be calm and confident that the child “will not be injured,” prepare the baby for this event. The mother does not need any special preparation: while she is preparing the baby, she calms down internally.

A newborn baby needs his mother around the clock, because he may need something at any moment. However, gradually the child grows up, becomes more independent, and develops his own interests, even if it’s just a new car or bright blocks. By this time, parents begin to gradually get tired of their duties and the enormous responsibility associated with the birth of a baby. A short vacation spent just the two of you could be a great solution, but moms and dads are afraid to leave the baby.

Rambler/Family finds out at what age a child can be left in the care of a grandmother or nanny.

Analyzing the situation

Of course, every child is individual: some up to three or four years old cannot spend even an hour without their mother, while others already feel quite good in the company of other adults from the age of six months. Even among specialists in the field of child psychology, there is no consensus on at what age a relatively long separation from parents can be safe for a baby.

Therefore, in order to understand whether such a separation would be too strong a blow for the fragile child’s psyche, Olga Kuznetsova, a psychologist at the Yauza Clinical Hospital, advises taking into account several main factors. Important question- whether breastfeeding has stopped.

“It is believed that separation from a child who stopped breastfeeding less than two months ago can negatively affect his emotional state: the simultaneous departure of the mother and weaning from the breast is too serious a change for the baby. These two events can become intertwined in the child’s mind and negatively affect the development of his personality in the future.”

However, even a baby who has been formula-fed since birth may experience serious problems when separated from his mother - this depends on the type of attachment that he has formed in relation to her. Defining it, says psychologist Olga Kuznetsova, is quite simple: “If a child gets upset when his mother leaves, but at the same time knows how to occupy himself during her absence and is happy to return, this means that he has formed a healthy attachment and there are no pathologies in their relationship. If the baby is hysterical when he sees that his mother is getting ready, cannot find a place for himself without her, and at the next meeting behaves aggressively and vindictively - this is a reason to think that something is going wrong. Perhaps the child feels excessive maternal care and feels unprotected without her.”

We create favorable conditions

child with mother

Even if, after taking a closer look at your baby, you realized that he gets along well with other adults and does not feel a painful need for the constant presence of his mother, the implementation of the idea of ​​​​going on vacation together will require some preparation. First of all, you need to decide on a suitable person who will be ready to take responsibility and stay with the child for the period of your trip.

He needs to be devoted in as much detail as possible to all the features of the baby’s daily routine and behavior. Tell your grandmother or nanny how your day with your baby is structured: what time does he wake up, when and what is he used to eating, what does he usually do in the first and second half of the day, what time does he go to bed and how long does he sleep during the day, where and how long do you usually walk, how your evening bath and going to bed - all these details can play an important role in providing your child with a familiar comfortable life in your absence.

Do not forget to also instruct your “deputy” on how to behave in force majeure situations - if the child has a fever, an allergy, or he is simply capricious and does not want to go to bed.

If you plan for a nanny, grandmother or other relative to move in with you during your absence, then your child will not have to get used to the new place. If the child goes to new house, then think in advance about adapting the baby himself to the conditions in which he will spend a week or more. In the time remaining before your vacation, try to visit more often so that your child gets comfortable with the new place. Some experts prefer this option, since at home the baby may feel the absence of his parents more acutely, while in another environment he will be less likely to remember them.

Go and come back

So, the suitcases are packed, the grandmother (or nanny), instructed and armed with all the necessary equipment, is ready to devote herself entirely to the baby during your absence, and the child himself plays happily in her arms. All you have to do is get to the place to spend a few unforgettable days together.

For a full-fledged vacation, it is better to choose a place where you can simultaneously relax, unwind, and actively relax - that is, embrace all possible impressions. In Florence, for example, you will find echoes of the great past, harmony and tranquility of quiet European streets, noisy fun in central establishments and, of course, romance - here it is literally in the air. In a week, you will not only have time to visit all the museums of the capital of Tuscany, but also enjoy each other’s company - as if you were on your second honeymoon.

Of course, parents, having been separated from their baby for a long time for the first time, will feel some anxiety and concern. However, try to limit yourself to one or two communication sessions a day with your family: by doing this you will not create unnecessary stress on the baby’s psyche, forcing him to remember more often that you are not around, and you yourself will be able to rest and relax - after all, after all, this is what everything was started for. Take time for each other and enjoy the new environment and vivid impressions.

But upon returning home, be ready to begin your duties with renewed vigor. These may include the need to restore weakened contact with the child. Psychologist, consultant for the nanny search service “Pomogatel.ru”, head of the studio personal development“Lada” Marina Smovzh notes: “The first thing parents may encounter is the child’s mistrust. Mom and Dad will have to restore it. If we use a metaphor, this work of restoring trust can be compared to paying off a loan - you will need to pay not only the debt, but also the interest on it. In other words, prepare to give more to your child.”

The first time I left my daughter with my mother was when she was three weeks old. I urgently needed to get to the accounting department, my daughter stayed with her mother for 3 hours. My daughter has been with me since birth, my milk came in on the 9th day after birth, there was little milk, for some reason it had a blue tint. My daughter didn’t want to take my milk, although I didn’t smoke, I tried to do it right. When my daughter was 4 months old, I started working part-time, there were financial difficulties, I left at 10 in the morning and came back at 5 in the evening. My mother or my husband was with my daughter. I worked two days after two. When my daughter was 6 months old, I stopped working. When my daughter was seven months old, I found out that I was pregnant with my second child. The financial situation in the family is good, they decided to give birth to a second one. My mother always helps me, when she found out about the pregnancy, she began spending all her free time with us. And we brought our daughter from the maternity hospital to my parents and lived there until my daughter was 4 months old. In general, my daughter loves her grandmother and I trust her. Now my daughter is one year old. Since she was 8 months old, she spends the night with my parents three times a week. Moreover, my mother insists, and I’m pregnant, there was a threat of termination. I myself often stay with my parents, my husband works 6 days a week, plus he has night shifts every two days. In general, what is the essence of my question: my husband had a day off, we left our daughter with my grandmother, in the evening I wanted to take a short walk to get some air. On the street we met my father-in-law, he was very unhappy that I was leaving my daughter with my grandmother, he said that the child was small and I was not acting wisely. I can say one thing about my father-in-law, he is a very strange person, I didn’t do anything wrong, I’m a decent girl, my husband and I have been together for 5 years, 3 of them married, we have an apartment with a mortgage. He didn’t like me, I didn’t even come to the wedding, I wasn’t at the discharge. The relationship with my mother-in-law is normal, but she sees her granddaughter less often than my mother, she rarely comes to visit us, her husband says she doesn’t let her go anywhere. Recently we were visiting, where my father-in-law began to scold me again about the fact that I was leaving the child with my mother, which was very early, my husband defended me, and in the end they quarreled. I love my daughter, I take care of her. It’s just that after these reproaches, I began to think that I was bad. But that's not true. My mother is full of inertia, she says, don’t pay attention to your father-in-law’s words, if you had done something wrong in relation to the child, I would have told you so a long time ago. My daughter is developing according to her age. Maybe the father-in-law is right. In short, I became very worried about this. My husband says to put it out of my head, that his father is saying all this just to hurt me. Girls, when was the first time you left your children with their grandmothers? And are there any mothers like me? Who can entrust their treasure to grandmothers?