26.03.2016
Don't forget to tell your friends
There is such a popular joke saying: “Parents need to be loved from afar, the further, the more.” There is some truth in every joke, but newlyweds do not always have the opportunity to live separately from their parents. So you have to find a common language with your loved ones and most dear people. In most cases, such adjustment is very difficult, because two pairs of adults live in the same house, while the elders always strive to teach their offspring common sense and subject them to their own rules. Let's talk today about how a young daughter-in-law can get along with her mother-in-law and father-in-law.
8 tips on how to get along with your husband's parents:
1. How to avoid being a freeloader? At the wedding, your husband’s mom and dad tearfully insisted that you are now like their own daughter to them. Of course, you cannot believe these words. Soon they will make it clear to you that you are just a freeloader in their house, because of which the family’s expenses have increased. To prevent such an attitude towards yourself, wisely distribute your shared budget with your husband. This is done in the following way: hide part of it in a “stocking” for a rainy day, give part to your parents in a common pot, and spend what remains with peace of mind on your needs.
2. Solve your problems yourself. Before starting your family life, when a problem arose, you immediately ran to your parents for advice and help. This is natural, you are their child. Now this habit needs to be eradicated. If a young husband and wife consult with their father and mother on every trifle, expecting support and advice from them, then it is quite natural that your parents will try to instill in you their views on life. Learn to live with your mind!
3. Don't quarrel in front of your parents. No quarrels family life doesn’t go away at all, “darlings scold - they’re just amusing themselves,” but there’s no need for all this to reach the parents’ ears. Don't take dirty linen out of the room. If you can’t bear it, go to a park, a cafe and sort out your relationship there, or quietly “discuss” in your room with the doors closed.
4. Don’t run into a scandal. When agreeing to live in your husband’s parents’ house, you must be prepared for the fact that your spouse’s mother will not give up her position easily. For example, you go into your room, and your mother-in-law puts your things in the closet in her own way. Your indignation at the sight of such a picture is quite understandable, but try to pacify your anger and just ask your husband to talk to your mother so that she doesn’t do this again. In your room you should be the mistress, but scandals will not achieve anything.
5. Don't try to make your own rules. Starting life in the house of your husband’s parents, you must realize that before you, there were rules and customs here. If old furniture annoys you, if you can’t stand your father-in-law with a newspaper at the table or your mother-in-law always talking on the phone, then you will have to put up with all this. There is no need to go into someone else’s monastery with your own charter; it will be worse for yourself. The rules of this house have been established for years, long before you appeared there.
6. Define personal space. From the very beginning, discuss with your husband that your room will be your personal island, where only the two of you will decide how to live and by what rules. You must defend the boundaries of your personal space to your parents. Only the husband should play the role of negotiator.
7. Distribution of responsibilities. Two women rarely find a common language at the stove, so you and your mother-in-law should set a schedule according to which you will perform household duties: cooking, washing, cleaning, going to stores and the market for groceries.
8. Be independent. No matter how hard you try to live on your own, it’s unlikely to work with your parents. Therefore, the ideal option is to set aside funds and save up for your own home. Strive for independence!
Those who are forced or of their own free will (this happens!) continue to live with their parents, even having created their own family, are usually treated with skepticism. They say that these are either infantiles who sacrifice independence for the sake of “everything ready”, or completely poor people who cannot even afford rented housing. But in reality, almost half the country lives this way: everyone will probably remember at least two or three such familiar couples. We asked several young Belarusian families about what it was like to live with their parents and about the “secrets of survival” in such conditions.
Matrony.ru / photo is for illustrative purposes
“My mother-in-law allows herself to quietly rummage through our things”
Anna and Artem, 22 and 23 years old:“When Tema proposed to me two years ago, the question was “where are we going to live?” For some reason I was the least concerned. I just felt that I was madly in love with this man and wanted to start a family with him. And right now!..
After the wedding we moved in with his mother. Living with my family is not an option, since I have two more sisters growing up; there are five people without us. But we don’t yet have the funds to rent, or even more so buy, an apartment, since both are students.
Yes, there are advantages to living together. At least the house is always clean and there is food. And not what an inexperienced housewife like me could cook, but real borscht with pampushkas, goulash with gravy and pies with different fillings. That is, my husband is always full, satisfied, and we have a lot of time that we can only spend on each other.
In general, the first six months everything was pretty smooth. Everyone was nice to each other and didn't invade personal space. But sooner or later the masks fall off. And my mother-in-law began to literally dictate how we should live and what we should do. She could come into our bedroom at two o’clock in the morning “to catch a light” with a complaint, saying, it’s too late, go to bed, you have to study tomorrow. She controlled our purchases: “Are you crazy, should we order pizza? It's too expensive".
And if we suddenly went somewhere with friends or to a club, she would cut off the phones with the question: “Are you coming soon?!” About the comments that “pasta is cooked wrong, Anya” and constant reminders to Artyom: “Put on your hat!” - I don't even say.
mamsy.ru / photo is for illustrative purposes She also demanded communication. And I’m not interested in wasting time sitting with her in the kitchen and listening for an hour to the retelling of “can’t you imagine what an interesting series on “Russia”” or delving into all the vicissitudes of the personal life of Spartak Mishulin, which she gleaned from some program. In general, I tried to somehow tactfully hint that I had something to do, and then, when I came home from work, if Tema was not at home, I began to lock myself in my room. After just a couple of such “ear tricks” on my part, my husband received a serious reprimand from my mother for the fact that “your wife ignores me and absolutely does not want to make contact.”
And recently, the leitmotif of the respected mother-in-law’s speeches has become: “This is still my home, and I should be aware of everything that happens in it.” Apparently, that’s why she considers herself entitled to rummage through our things in our absence, but I immediately see what’s wrong where. The last straw was when she rummaged around on the mezzanine. And I’m just sure that the sex toys stored there did not go unnoticed by her. Thank God, she was smart enough not to comment on what she saw, but ever since then, when she sees me, her lips purse more and more contemptuously. And once she even said out of the blue: “You know, Anya, it seems to me that my son has begun to degrade with you...”.
At the same time, Artem says that I am escalating and tries to get out of all conflicts with humor. And I’m getting more and more angry with my husband for his inaction. He is now in his final year, and I just dream of the day when he gets a job and we have the opportunity to rent a house. True, I’m very afraid that he himself won’t want to leave the pies…”
“I don’t understand how a mother can ruin her own daughter’s life like that.”
Olga and Sergey, 28 and 32 years old:“We got married five years ago, our son is already 2.5 years old, and we still can’t move away from my parents. We saved money to build an apartment and still pay a large loan amount for it every month. Only my husband works, I’m on maternity leave, and, to be honest, there’s not that much money. Therefore, renovations in the new building are proceeding at a snail’s pace. It would be good if we moved there in a year, but considering that we don’t even have doors or floors there yet, not to mention furniture, it’s scary to even think about the timing. Therefore, now our family is me, my husband, little Kostya and my retired parents.
Yes, it’s true what they say: living with your wife’s parents is easier than living with your husband’s parents. We lived very friendly, soul to soul, for about three years. My husband and my dad became friends, they started going fishing together and tinkering with the car in the garage. Mom also got along quite well with her son-in-law. But when Kostya was born, she was replaced. She began to build us constantly. It seemed to her that we were doing everything wrong. And diapers are not needed (you are torturing the child!), and you need to breastfeed not for a year, but for at least three years, and you don’t need to send him to kindergarten - “I’ll look after him before school myself.”
It became impossible to raise a child. As soon as you try to teach him some self-care skills or scold him for something, the grandmother comes running, presses him to her wide chest and the granddaughter begins to feel sorry for him, shaking her finger at the parents.
These disagreements gradually spread to all other areas of life. Mom began to reprimand me for the fact that again I was vacuuming, and not my husband. If we quarrel in front of her, even over trifles, she begins to draw certain conclusions about Sergei and, as if she has already put an end to our marriage, she tells me: “Collect all the receipts for jointly acquired property.” And the scandal, when she literally “went down with her bones” and did not let us go to the sea with the baby, who was then a year old, is a completely different story. She threatened to drive her out on all four sides. Now I’m thinking: maybe they didn’t agree in vain?..
allwomens.ru / photo is for illustrative purposes There is an increasing feeling that mom considers herself the head of not only her family (dad, under her pressure, long ago gave up both the garage and fishing), but also ours. We have absolutely no rights in “her house”, only responsibilities. Don’t listen to music loudly, don’t invite guests, don’t have pets, don’t take Kostenka to the pool - it’s an infection!..
And also mom and dad are always at home, since they are already retired. And you know, this greatly affects your intimate life! During the day we are always nervous that someone will come in, and at best we can secretly have sex in the bathroom with the water on. And at night the creaking of the bed is so clearly audible that we don’t even try to do “this” on it. We have to look for other options. But how annoying it was!
In general, my husband and I are so tired of all this, and especially of the moral pressure, that I can’t even tell. How a mother, with whom we were always so close before, can ruin her own daughter’s life like that - I don’t understand! But the situation is hopeless: if we rent a house, it means that, due to additional costs, we will put off repairs in the new apartment for years, and if we stay here, I feel that we will begin to increasingly take out on each other the accumulated irritation from our own lack of rights...”
“Grandma can sit and look at me for an hour without blinking.”
Marina and Gleb, 25 years old:“Don’t ask why, but circumstances have developed that my husband and I are forced to live with his father and grandmother. My father, by the way, loves to drink and sing songs about “Swan on the Pond” and “Golden Domes” out loud. He walks around the house exclusively in his family's underpants, scratching his hairy belly. He also constantly smokes on the sly in the kitchen, shaking it out the window... But he doesn’t particularly cling to us, and thank you for that. We live and live our lives, we meet periodically, either in the kitchen or in the hallway, talking about the weather.
Grandma doesn’t sing songs and doesn’t walk around in shorts, she’s quiet, but she often forgets the kettle on the stove, steals goodies from the refrigerator and has a stupid habit of coming into the room, sitting down and staring at you. You spend an hour getting ready, putting on your makeup, and she sits and watches for the whole hour. Sometimes it seems like without even blinking. At first I tried to have small talk with her, but the conversation didn’t go well. My husband advised me to just not pay attention: let her look - grandma is bored...
But I think these inconveniences are minor. Nobody really gets into our soul, doesn’t teach us how to live, doesn’t stand above our soul. And the fact that we need to take care not only of each other, but also of Gleb’s dad and grandma - this, I think, will greatly strengthen and prepare us for a future independent life.
Thanks to this experience, I learned to look at everything with humor, controversial situations make compromises, find a common language with people whose age and lifestyle are very far from them, and accept that each person has the right to their own small weaknesses or shortcomings.
These are my husband’s relatives, and no matter what they are, I respect and love them. And they don’t stop me from enjoying life.”
“It’s good when an example of a real family is always before your eyes”
Irina and Alexander, 30 and 33 years old:“My husband’s parents, ever since they got married, began to nurture a dream of a big house in which they would live alone. friendly family with your children and their families. So, to gather in the evenings by the fireplace and set a large round table, not only on major holidays.
blogspot.com / photo is for illustrative purposes only They built a house. Big and beautiful. But they only had one son - my husband Sasha. And from childhood he knew that he would bring his wife only to this very house, so that everyone could live together under one roof, thereby realizing what his parents had dreamed of all their lives. And what, at some time, he himself began to dream about. He told me about this in the very first days of our acquaintance. That he does not accept any apartments or rental housing. And if I’m ready to live in harmony with his “old people”, then...
Of course, I was afraid. But I agreed. And so far in ten years I have never seriously regretted my decision. My father-in-law and mother-in-law turned out to be exactly the kind of couple you want to follow as an example, and it’s great when this example is always before your eyes. This was not the case in my family: everyone was on their own, living their own interests. Here I learned what true cohesion and family ties are. And I think this largely influenced the fact that I now decided to have a third child.
For my father-in-law and husband, my mother and I are “girls”; they pamper us and make us happy. Not to mention our babies. Alla Mikhailovna never taught me how to cook, wash, or clean. She simply asked for help sometimes and along the way shared her knowledge about everyday and culinary wisdom. And I can safely say that now I cook no worse than she does. And I even try very complex dishes - I love it when she says: “If only we had a daughter-in-law like her!”
I'm surprised when someone says that it's so terrible to live with your parents. Of course, everyone is different, and maybe I was just lucky. They say that parents impose their opinions, interfere with advice, and set their own rules. But it seems to me that it all depends on how you approach it. It’s one thing to take everything with hostility and let go of needles, it’s another thing to listen to those who have already lived in this world. You don’t have to do everything according to orders, but I think it’s also necessary to listen to those who raised you or the person you love. People, just be kinder and more tolerant of each other!”
Family and relationships: advice from psychologist Olga Yurkovskaya
Grown children should leave their parents' home. Otherwise, they will never become real adults, remaining hostages of “intrafamily moral incest,” when the social roles of husbands and wives, fathers and children are confused.
However, many families, due to lack of money or independence, live in the same house, and sometimes even in the same room with their parents. This creates painful relationships that often represent two extremes.
An example of the first extreme is my friend’s mother-in-law, who even at fifty years old asked her mother how to make sandwiches. Daughter-in-law with square eyes I listened to their conversation. The woman is practically retirement age runs to mom asking how to make sandwiches! No, not a joke, I asked in all seriousness. And what’s more, having the opportunity to live separately with her husband and child, a friend chose to exchange two separate apartments, her two-room apartment and her still old mother’s one-room apartment, for a shared three-ruble rent in order to live with her mother.
But her sister, on the contrary, showed the complete opposite, and this is the second extreme in the relationship. At seventeen, she fled to another republic just to get away from her mother and her authoritarian claims. And when the mother asked to stay with her freedom-loving daughter during the major renovation, she responded with a categorical refusal. Absolutely no! Complete denial of any connection.
Unfortunately, there are less than half of families in which generations live separately from each other in the post-Soviet space. Mostly young spouses continue to live with their parents. This was once the norm. But once upon a time, daughter-in-law was the norm! Do we now consider sex between father-in-law and daughter-in-law normal? No, but we continue to consider the life of several generations of a family in one apartment to be the norm.
In Soviet times, “in cramped conditions, but no offense,” when there was no sex, and everyone was united by peace, work and May, they could huddle in “Khrushchev.” But this housing was built as temporary, to replace barracks. It was not planned that generations would live in dank five-story buildings with a shared bathroom, having children and crowding each other.
It is living together in a cramped space that leads to relatives changing roles in the family, not feeling their boundaries, and confusion occurring - who is raising whom and who is financially responsible for whom. And in fact, such cohabitation, as in tsarist times, can be considered incest. Let it not be physical, as daughter-in-law was, but definitely moral.
Because when a young spouse moves in with his wife’s parents, they adopt him. It turns out that the brother sleeps with his sister, who have the same parents. And both spouses play two roles - actually, husband and wife and children for their adult parents. What if children are added to this? It's turning out crazy! The child does not understand whose authority is stronger, grandmothers or mothers, one said it is impossible, the other allows it, the child rushes between one and the other generation, knowing that he will get everything he wants, the main thing is to know who to turn to.
Meanwhile, grandparents turn into a second pair of parents - replacing the departed mom and dad. And parents, in front of the child, receive a scolding from their elders, losing all respect in the eyes of the younger generation. What will all this lead to in the end? To three generations of infantile people, dependent on each other, who do not know how to build personal boundaries and take responsibility for their lives.
Therefore, if you are an adult, and especially if you want to have your own children or are already raising them, separate from your parents. And live separately, and leave your parents alone. Let them live their lives as best they can. There is no need to retrain or re-educate them. There is no need to put pressure on them or drag them towards you. Take care of yourself.
But the main thing is to take care of yourself at a distance from the older generation, in your home. Otherwise, you will never truly grow up and be able to raise independent children. It is impossible for an adult son or daughter to live peacefully under the same roof with their parents and be an adult, live with their own mind and act contrary to the opinion of the older generation - it is simply impossible! You will either face constant scandals, or you will have to obey mom and dad in everything and give up your adult rights. What for? Renting an apartment costs much less than your freedom.
When young people get married, they must rely only on their own strength. Before the wedding, resolve the housing issue, properly distribute finances and begin a completely independent life. This should ideally be the case, but in reality it often turns out differently. The wedding is paid for by the parents, the newlyweds also begin to live on the territory of the parents, and the parents again provide financial assistance. How to live with your husband's parents in the same apartment? How to get along with your mother-in-law and father-in-law? To do this, you must follow a number of rules and recommendations.
What leads to newlyweds becoming dependent on their parents?
First, newlyweds must understand how living with their parents will affect their family. Most often, this leads to a delay in the development of a young family. In other words, she doesn’t exist yet; adult children and their parents continue to live nearby. Such a union will exist as long as it is supported by senior family members.
Young people need to go through a “school of life.” Let them have a rented apartment in which they will do the renovations themselves, let them learn how to manage finances and save. Overcoming difficulties together will unite husband and wife and help them get used to each other faster. The young couple's desire for independence signifies their personal maturity.
Pros and cons of living with your husband's parents
Before deciding to live with your parents, you need to carefully weigh the pros and cons. Let's consider the main pros and cons of this decision and its consequences.
Disadvantages of living with your husband's parents
His parents may accept their newly-made daughter-in-law as their own daughter, or they may hate her even before the wedding. In the second case, it is clear that the family life of the young will sooner or later end in divorce if they live with their parents. But in the first case, not everything is so rosy.
The mother-in-law will try to save her daughter-in-law from all sorts of everyday problems, giving her a lot of free time. But know that at the first unsuccessful clash of interests, the mother-in-law will reproach you for the same thing, saying that she bends over backwards for you, and you are ungrateful. We must not forget that your husband’s mother considers only herself to be the mistress of the house and there will be no second mistress there. The daughter-in-law will have to come to terms with the role of a “daughter” who can only carry out instructions and listen to her mother’s advice, and the husband will not be able to part with the role of “son” and grow into the role of head of the family. After all, in the house, besides mom, there is dad, and there’s no need for a second owner either.
A paradoxical situation arises: parents want the best, protect the couple from all everyday difficulties, but, in fact, deprive the young family of the opportunity to develop and build their own family relationships.
A big disadvantage is that all the quarrels and disagreements between the young people will be in full view, and the parents will definitely take part in them.
Pros of living with your husband's parents
Of course they exist.
Rules of conduct for a young daughter-in-law in her husband's family
To prevent life with your husband's parents from turning into hell, follow some rules from the first days life together.
- Before moving to your husband’s family, ask him about their way of life, traditions, and routines, and try to adhere to them.
- Communicate your position: you only accept advice when you ask for it.
- Let your parents feel needed so that they don't feel jealous.
- Focus on the benefits that living together gives you.
The most important thing is a positive attitude towards your husband’s relatives, because now this is your family. Try to bring love, kindness, tact, and patience into it. Then you won’t have to get along with your husband’s parents, you will easily and simply live in the same apartment as a big friendly family.
We now live separately, in an apartment, married for 2 years. But it’s been a whole year since we bought a big house for my husband’s parents and supposedly for ourselves... we made renovations and it seems like we should be moving, but I can’t, I don’t have any mental strength to overcome myself, just the thought of it brings tears to my eyes. I don’t know what I was thinking a year ago when we bought this house... I don’t work, I’m 25 years old, and my husband is 37. And we don’t have children yet, we want to do IVF in a month. I really want my own home, let it be an apartment, let it be little house, but its own and separate. I must say that I am very dependent on my husband, and not only materially, but also psychologically, I love him very much. How can I convince him that it would be better for us to live separately??? I know that after the move our relationship may be shaken, which is just my worries and fears, I don’t want to seem like a grumpy pest to my husband. About a month ago we had a conversation with him about this and he said that let’s live for at least a year, after all, we’ve invested so much effort, and then we’ll see, we’ll try to sell the house profitably and buy 2 smaller houses. But yesterday we went to visit our parents in new house(they have already moved) so my husband makes far-reaching plans in conversations, after which I asked him not to do this since we are planning to sell this house. And he replied: “I’m in love with this house and I want to live here, let’s not make any guesses?” Help me understand myself, because I feel that the problem lies not only in living together, is it possible that it is in me? maybe I’m too suspicious... Sometimes I think that all these worries are due to our relationship, since I’m not confident in my husband, and I don’t want to be left alone in a strange house with strangers to me... when my husband goes out with friends , for me this is humiliation.
Answers from psychologists
Indeed, the time has come for you to understand yourself.
And the fact that you cannot get pregnant “fits” into the picture of your problems.
Working with couples who had “psychological infertility,” I saw many cases where spouses solved their internal problems and miraculously had children.
Come. Alone or, better yet, with my husband.
Good answer 3 Bad answer 0Hello! It is difficult to understand from the letter what you are afraid of, what you are worried about. I assume that you do not want to live with your husband's parents, because... you write that these are strangers to you. As I understand, you didn’t live with them before, you lived separately. Now you need to move to a new house and you have a lot of worries about this. Kotofey, you haven’t lived with your parents yet, you don’t know in advance what will happen. Maybe it's not so scary? After all, you will not live in a one-room apartment, but in a large house, where you and your husband will have a separate territory. We are always scared by what we don't know. To find out, you have to try. If life becomes completely unbearable for you, you can always find options. You also write that you are financially and morally dependent on your husband and at the same time you are unsure of him. Where does this uncertainty come from, what is it based on? Your husband is making far-reaching plans for his life with you, you are going to do IVF, and you are 12 years younger than your husband, i.e. quite young. Why do you need to stay at home while your husband goes out with friends? You can also meet with friends and girlfriends. I always recommend that girls sitting at home, fixated on themselves and their own experiences, go to learn driving, dance or yoga. These simple things will help you take better care of yourself, raise your self-esteem and mood, and help you “cure” from painful emotional dependence on your husband. You have it there. And when joy settles inside you, everything around will not seem so gloomy. Joy is always within us, not outside. If you find it difficult to deal with your condition on your own, please contact me, I will be happy to help. Best regards, Asel.
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Hello. It feels like you somehow didn’t fit into your husband’s life. He has an eventful, interesting life, and you have household worries, pessimistic thoughts and fears. What is your joint property that belongs only to your family? And here your desire to create own house, your family nest, and not share it with anyone. Because While you, apparently, have no other ways to connect with your husband and become visible in his life. And, accordingly, any home that is not your family is perceived as a stranger, and people who share with you, at least geographically, your family intimacy (in the sense of a family little world), are and will be perceived as strangers. It happens that when there is no feeling of this family closeness, children do not come to the family. Sometimes even IVF does not help until the family atmosphere improves. You really need to do something with your inner world, your perception of the life around you, your paralyzing dependence on your husband. This dependence does not give you the right and way to feel included in your husband’s life, and it creates in him and you the illusion that you are a real family (I mean family relationships, not legal status). I recommend that you contact a psychologist in person, because... Now in this state you are risking without wanting to destroy a lot.
Best regards, Larisa.
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Hello, Kotofey!
The whole problem you have now, it seems to me, is that you are making decisions without analyzing all the consequences, perhaps with emotions, or perhaps simply following the lead of your husband, whom you love very much. After all, already a year ago, when you participated in the decision to buy a large house, you knew that his parents were strangers to you (while for him they were very close, perhaps the closest). And now, in my opinion, you need to be responsible for your decisions. Since you agreed to this house, live there. You anticipate the development of events without even trying to contact his parents. You are already sure that everything will be bad and terrible. Is not The best way get experience. Your projective (that is, not based on reality) ideas about life together with his parents will make any of your relationships with them bad, although if you had come there with an open heart and without any catastrophic expectations, it is still unknown how everything would have turned out. And now it will be difficult for you to convince your husband, because you have no facts (that you feel bad with his parents), but only fantasies. Try to gain experience first, and then act on it. Then it will be justified and natural, but now (in the eyes of your husband and others) you look like an anxious and suspicious person with a wild imagination and prejudice towards his parents, and you are unlikely to be taken seriously. All the best, Elena.
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