"I'm afraid of her!" Why are children afraid of teachers? If a child is afraid of a teacher, this is a signal to adults. It is necessary to understand the reasons for its occurrence: perhaps this fear is imposed by someone, perhaps it is far-fetched, or perhaps this fear has grounds. Understanding the reason, it is easier for parents to choose a behavior strategy and a way out of a difficult situation. Each of us has our own experience of school life, our own experience of relationships with teachers. And to be honest, everyone can remember those teachers who were adored, and those who were feared, and sometimes even hated. All these long-forgotten emotions come to mind when our own children enter school. And of course, the child’s words “I’m afraid of my teacher” cause us to panic. How should we feel about this? What to do? Why does a child become afraid of the teacher?

There may be several reasons for fear. Reason #1. Parents' own experiences are broadcast. Parents often convey their fears to their children. And children, like a mirror, reflect what is in our, parental, reality. But perhaps this is not really the case. Advice! Remember your school childhood. What “sores” do you still have? Are these the same “sores” that your son or daughter has? If they are the same, it’s worth working with yourself first. When parents, in front of their child, say doomedly: “There’s nothing you can do about it! At school, I also didn’t understand how to solve these examples. And my teacher was so angry!” - know that your child will expect from the teacher in advance not support, but condemnation. Here comes the fear!

Reason #2. There really is reason to be afraid! You understood this not from someone’s conversations, but from a conversation with own child. The teacher shouts, scolds, gives a “2”, kicks him out of the class, does not allow him to attend the lesson, sends him to the head teacher/director, insults, humiliates. There have always been such teachers. They still exist. If something like this happens to a child, you need to figure it out. These situations cannot be hushed up or ignored! Your questions to your child should be the following: “where?”, “when?”, “under what circumstances?” And also: “Who saw this and can confirm it?” This definitely needs to be clarified. And not just for the sake of finding witnesses. It is important to understand what really happened. Advice! No matter what happens, the child expects support from you. But most importantly, he is waiting for advice on what to do in this situation. For example, you can contact the parent community, psychologist, head teacher, director. And the child? He has no experience of living in such situations yet. There is no model of behavior. And your task is to form this model.

Option 1. Ineffective. Give advice like: “Next time she starts scolding you, tell her that she has no right to do so! It’s written in the Convention on the Rights of the Child!” In this case, you are pushing the child into conflict. But the forces are unequal. Therefore, it is clear in advance who will lose. The child will be called a boor. The situation will only get worse.

Option 2. More productive. Analyze the situation. Try to understand what caused the teacher’s behavior. If, for example, a teacher scolds a child for being late every day or for the fact that he once again did not bring a work folder to class, then this is your area of ​​responsibility, as a parent. This situation can be easily corrected. But if you still see that this is real aggressive behavior teacher (and this, unfortunately, happens), then first of all you need to help the child formulate a plan of action in such a situation. In order for the child to learn and accept this model of behavior, reinforce it in the game. Yes, replay this situation. And several times, in different options. I assure you, the child’s anxiety level will decrease.

Well, of course, you definitely need to meet with the teacher. But the conversation should not turn into an emotional brawl. So get ready. If you are afraid to forget, write it down. Make yourself a cheat sheet. Describe in it: When did it happen? What happened? How did this affect the child? What feelings did it make you feel (anxiety, fear, etc.)? What way out of the situation do you see yourself? And further. No matter what happens, no matter how upset or angry you are, try not to discuss this situation with anyone or the teacher in front of the child. After all, perhaps the conflict will be resolved, but it is very important for the child to maintain respect for the one who teaches him.

Reason #3. Imaginary fears. These are fears that have no basis. They relate to neurotic problems. A child may be afraid not only of his teacher, but also of the head teacher, the director, and large quantity children in the class, and bad grades, etc. Everything is scary!

Such fears may indicate a child’s low self-esteem and internal self-doubt. He is afraid to answer in class because he is afraid of being ridiculed by his classmates. And it also happens that fears are based on the opinions and stories about the school of another person who has great authority for the child. It's not always an adult. Melancholic children are especially susceptible to such fears. "I'm afraid of her!" Why are children afraid of teachers? Advice! If a fear falls into the “imaginary” category, you should not make fun of your child for it. Don't discount his feelings! What is unimportant to you is important to him. You may need to see a psychologist.

There are different problems at school... Any situation can be solved. We just need to solve it together. Resentment, silence, avoidance of decisions only tighten the spring of the relationship. On the contrary, if you approach this issue correctly, have your own clear position and focus on finding a constructive solution, you can avoid misunderstandings and maintain good relationships both in the family and at school.

One of common reasons The reason why a child does not want to go to school in the lower grades is lack of contact with the teacher. This is especially important for sensitive children who lack self-confidence. Sometimes it comes to the point that the child is afraid of the teacher. What to do? Become your child's advocate and learn how to properly talk to the teacher and school principal if necessary.

“I’m so tired,” Tara sighed heavily. “I’m tired of the teacher constantly complaining about Kara.” She misses school more often than she goes there. My daughter got sick, and at first we thought she had the flu. But, apparently, the problem is much deeper. We suspect Kara is simply afraid of her teacher.

She had never had a male teacher before, and this one loves to bark at children. No, he doesn't yell at Kara, but she is so sensitive that she panics at the mere thought of someone being angry with her.

We've talked to the teacher and sent him emails, but he thinks we're just making excuses for our daughter. When I talk to him, it seems as if he is not listening to me, but is only thinking about how to object to me.

We even turned to the director, but he said: “In life, Kara will have to deal with different people, and the girl needs to learn to get along with them.” Of course, he is right in many ways, but the child is afraid - and this is bad. Can I change the system?

Tara really suffered. Her hunched back, downcast gaze and trembling voice betrayed her condition. What could be worse for a parent than realizing that he cannot protect his own child and does not know how to help him?

“Yes, sometimes, despite all the efforts of fathers and mothers, the child still faces problems at school,” I answered. — To find a solution, you need to become its lawyer. Being a defender isn't easy. It takes time, effort and endurance. At times, you may feel powerless—and rightly so. There are things you can do to make a difference.

We are deeply concerned when our children encounter problems at school. We experience real mental anguish, which can be exacerbated by feelings of embarrassment for the child and memories of our own negative experiences at school. These emotions put up barriers and put everyone on the defensive.

The teacher knows that something does not suit you, but he is an ordinary person. He may experience stress at home and at work. He is responsible for a large group of children that he must teach every day.

So that the teacher does not consider your demands excessive and listens to you, you must find the right approach. There is no need to be too pushy and demanding. More than ever, you will need good communication skills.

Conversation with the teacher: step-by-step instructions

Make an appointment with your son or daughter's teacher. Personal communication is much more effective at solving problems than email.

So that the teacher begins to listen to you, agree with any of his statements, which you consider more or less fair - even if for this you have to change the minus to a plus. For example, if Kara's teacher says that she is too emotional, Tara might say, "Yeah, she's very empathetic and caring at home too." By finding common ground, you will set the teacher up for cooperation. He will stop being defensive and will be able to have a frank conversation.

Listen carefully to what the teacher says and try to understand him, forgetting about your interests for a while. If something is not clear, ask for clarification. Watch your intonation and speech! The teacher must feel that you are trying to understand him, rather than interrogating. For example, if a teacher says that a child is struggling on assignments, ask, “Could you give me a recent example?”

Dig deeper to find out when exactly does the problem occur?. Does this happen on certain days, in all subjects, or is it only about math tests? If a child behaved badly, was there a reason for a breakdown? And don't forget to ask the teacher how he thinks your child felt in that situation. This will help you identify what emotions may have led to the unacceptable behavior.

If you are unable to determine what emotions and needs may be ruining your child's school life, try analyzing his temperament. Perhaps the son or daughter cries at the beginning school day, because he doesn’t know how to quickly cope with switching? Maybe the child pushes other children because he is an introvert and needs his own space? Is it because he doesn’t hear the teacher because he is very receptive and his desk is next to the aquarium? Perhaps he is slow to complete tasks because he pays attention to details first, and only then realizes where to start? Identifying the true cause of the problem will allow you to come to a common denominator with the teacher. Involve your child in this - ask him what he thinks about when he completes tasks, or how he feels in a given situation. His answer may surprise you.
When talking to a teacher, do not assume that he is well versed in matters of temperament. In pedagogical universities, the topic of temperament is considered very superficially, so you may turn out to be more knowledgeable than the teacher. It may not have even occurred to him that his children's inappropriate behavior might be due to their temperament.

Continuing the conversation with the teacher: how to become your child’s advocate

Your sincere desire to listen to the teacher and understand the problem will reassure him and will stimulate his willingness, in turn, to listen to you. Make sure you understand the instructor correctly.

Once you have figured out the teacher's priorities, explain what is important to you. Concentrate on your own interests, not on your position. For example, Tara might say, “I want Kara to feel comfortable at school,” rather than, “I want Kara to switch classes from you!” Focusing on interests allows you to avoid blame, which helps you remove defensive barriers and move on to finding a constructive solution.

Sometimes such a solution may already exist. If you attended the classes, please indicate what techniques did the teacher use that were helpful for your child?. For example, if your child has trouble sitting still, you could say, “I've noticed that when you let Dylan lie on the floor, he's more focused and less distracted.” The best methods are those that are already used by the teacher, they just need to be used either more often or in a different way. For example, you could say, “I noticed that when you did exercises with the kids in the middle of the lesson, Dylan sat quietly for the rest of the time. Is it possible to start the lesson with exercises?

As a last resort you can refer to previous positive experience, for example: “Last year, Dylan learned well when Mrs. Romero used “learning centers.” Could you use this method too?” or “Would you like to talk to Mrs. Romero? She may have ideas that could be useful to us."

Another source of solutions is methods you use at home. However, you must first make sure that they will work in a team.

Remember that a teacher also has a temperament. He may be prone to a negative first reaction, slow to adapt, or very stubborn. Don't put pressure on him. Offer your ideas and agree to meet and discuss them again.
Don't forget about your own temperament. If you are hyper-emotional, be aware that your emotions may spill over despite your best efforts to remain calm. Bring a spouse or friend with you who can continue the conversation if you need to leave the room and calm down. If you're an introvert and need time to think, ask for another meeting.

Didn't work out with the teacher? How to talk to the director

If you do not find a common language with the teacher, try to use other opportunities to improve the situation. Ask the school principal or guidance counselor to meet with you and the teacher. A social worker, grandparent, childcare provider, or anyone else who knows your child well may also be helpful.

Tara three weeks later. I immediately noticed her confident gait.

— I went to school. “I decided that I would try to be a lawyer, as you advised, and not a prosecutor,” the woman said (it was clear from her voice that the visit to the school was difficult for her). “But I couldn’t figure out how to convey my thoughts to the director and teacher.

And so, when I was sitting at a swimming lesson, it suddenly dawned on me: we don’t teach children to swim by throwing them into the water away from the shore! First we teach them in shallow water, where they can do something well.

I immediately went to the school principal and said the following: “You are right: my daughter will have to deal with different people in her life, and she must learn to get along with them.” The director nodded his head in agreement. Then I continued: “But when we teach children to swim, we don’t throw them into the water right away, but teach them gradually. I think we should do the same when we teach children to communicate. All children are different. This is too deep for Kara and she just drowns.”

The director listened to me carefully! Then he called the teacher and we discussed the situation together. We decided to move Kara to another class - not because her teacher was bad, but because he was not suitable for Kara. This decision suited everyone, and the results were not long in coming. Over the past two weeks, Kara hasn't missed a single day!

Children with difficult personalities can achieve great success in school. When parents, teachers and the children themselves work as one team, when they all know what a difficult character is and how to manage it correctly, school turns into a source of positive emotions for the child.

Publication date: 12/08/2017

It may not work out for a variety of reasons. Despite the fact that it rarely comes to outright confrontation, there are still reasons for discontent. And your questions are proof of this.

If you have your own questions, you can ask them using the Doctis service,

1. My daughter is in first grade. We have an excellent class teacher - competent and experienced. But the child is afraid of her. He is afraid to answer at the board, to raise his hand, although he knows the answer. What should we do? I don't want to move to another class...

First you need to understand what scares the child. It is not always the case that the teacher is angry or picky. For example, children may be afraid of his... loud speech. Moreover, even if a teacher raises his voice at another student, an anxious child often projects this onto himself. In this case, you need to explain that the teacher has to speak loudly - otherwise no one will hear him.

Some children are afraid to answer at the blackboard or even from their seats, because their answer may cause laughter from their classmates and censure from the teacher (especially if a similar situation has already happened). In this case, ask the teacher to ask the child a deliberately easy question and then praise him for the correct answer. This will help.

And there are children who find it difficult to work independently. They need adults to constantly guide them. Without support, they become lost and afraid.

Develop independence in your child. Don't sit next to him while he does his homework. And if you sit, don’t do everything for him: don’t suggest, but guide. Let him complete the task as a draft, and then check it. When the heir gains confidence in his own abilities, he will feel more confident at school.

2. My son is 8 years old. He is capable but hyperactive. During lessons he fidgets and listens with half an ear. The teacher disliked my boy for this. He calls him a C student and doesn’t allow him to participate in Olympiads... If before the child wanted to study, now he doesn’t. I think it's the teacher's fault. How to restore your child's motivation to study?

You are right - motivation to study begins right now, in primary school. If a child enjoys learning, he will continue to do so with interest. If not, he may abandon his studies. Like, they still think I’m a C student, so why try? You need to find contact with class teacher. Explain that the child wants to be more active at school. After all, the teacher may not even know about it.

Ask the teacher to involve the boy in a school play, an Olympiad, or a drawing competition. Even small victories are already victories for him. This will return the desire to develop further.

3. No one in the class wants to be friends with my child (he is 10 years old). Sometimes they even beat him. Every week I run to the teacher to swear. She promises to influence the children, but the situation repeats itself. I see that I am already annoying the teacher with my visits. But she also annoys me. Is it really impossible to influence students?!

In such a situation, it is useful for every parent to think: why is his child being offended? Of course, there are cases of bullying in middle and high schools. But in the elementary they are extremely rare. It is possible that the child himself provokes his classmates. Maybe he doesn’t want to give in to anyone, he says offensive things.

Your son will benefit from training in the development of social communications. They are often carried out by school psychologists.

The theater studio also works great in your case. Playing different roles, the child experiences experiences different people. Learns to put oneself in the place of another, to sympathize, to endure. That is, he gains a lot of social skills. This will definitely help him in school too.

4. My daughter is in 4th grade. Our teacher went on maternity leave and a new one came to us - just from the institute. She has zero experience. I absolutely don't like her. What can I do in this situation?

First of all, you need to clearly formulate your complaints. If other parents agree with you, then contact the head teacher. Further events can develop differently. The teacher may be assigned an experienced mentor. If he really turns out to be incompetent (this, alas, happens), they will find another teacher. After all, you are trying to be treated by a doctor you trust. And you also need to trust the teacher. Your child has transition exams to 5th grade ahead. And he needs to hand them over. Therefore, your concern is understandable.

But, on the other hand, it happens that parents have no objective reasons to be dissatisfied with the teacher - “they just don’t like it and that’s all.” Especially if he just graduated from college. But youth is not a disadvantage. Often it's even the opposite. Young teachers are on the same wavelength as the children. They are active, energetic, and full of enthusiasm. Children, as a rule, love them. Therefore, again, think about whether you have objective reasons for concern or whether it just seems to you.