We live in an age of high technology and speed. So many events can happen in one day that, as a result, the morning situations seem incredibly far away by the evening. And, in the hustle and bustle of work and various affairs, it happens that very rarely we meet with loved ones. And sometimes we forget to talk about something, we accidentally leave something unsaid, and we deliberately keep silent about something so as not to worry. So in a relationship a small one is born lie. Is it correct? Should this be allowed, and how to protect yours? relationship from the severe consequences of the creeping lies?
I would like to immediately note that, in principle, we can talk about lies V any relationships, be it the relationship between husband and wife, parents and children, brothers, sisters and other close people. In all these cases, the slightest deception or even understatement can have an unpleasant result. But still save family relations It’s usually easier (we won’t delve into complicated exception situations now) than with the person with whom you, by your own choice and desire, are starting a family.
It’s not for nothing that they say that you don’t choose your parents, so accept them as they are. But you have the most direct relation to the choice of your soul mate, so here what goes around comes around. And even if in the most random way in your relationship leaks lie– we need to stop it in the bud, so that later it will not be excruciatingly painful.
On the other hand, each of us has some stories from the past that we don’t even want to remember now, much less tell. And here we are faced with a double-edged sword. If you tell, then with your frankness you can sow a seed of doubt in your partner (what if this happens again now?); If you remain silent, wouldn’t some distortion of facts (“you’re my first!”) be a lie? And if one day some hidden detail from your youth comes out, then won’t it all end: you’ve always lied to me, and what else don’t I know about you?!
So it turns out that there is a lie, that there is no lie - the result is the same. So maybe it’s better to lie, because what if the truth doesn’t come out?
So, if you can still do this with the foggy past - as they say, whoever remembers the old - then with the present everything is much more complicated. For example, showed up at work new colleague, home with him in the same direction, and he is also by car. And here’s a dilemma: should you immediately tell your spouse that a colleague is kindly giving you a ride home, or should you get out of the car away from home so that there are no unnecessary questions?
The answer here is clear: speak right away! Because if you remain silent, then you automatically become an accomplice in the crime, the one who lays the first stone lies in relationships. Further, the deception will only grow like a snowball, and you will have to dodge more and more so that the truth does not come out, and everything will end, sooner or later, in a family scandal. Do you need it?
But when, on the contrary, it seems that your loved one has begun to hide something, to keep something back, what should you do? Women are suspicious creatures, that's a fact. And one cannot say that the fact is very good. Because even one small, random thought each of us can develop a whole crazy story, with a beginning, a culmination and a denouement. Therefore, suspicions of a spouse of deception (read here: infidelity) can lead to studying his phone, laptop, tablet, checking all his pockets, counting all expenses and estimating the speed of movement from work to home.
Of course, many will laugh now. I? Check your pockets and phone? Never! Maybe that's true. But if there is uncertainty that lies have recently become established in the relationship, it is better not to prolong all these hesitations. You shouldn’t suffer yourself, coming up with your own concepts of what is happening, and you shouldn’t always share your suspicions with your mother or friends. After all, in 99% of cases they will loudly claim that the truth is on your side, your spouse is definitely deceiving you, and in general it’s time to take the bull by the horns. In short, everything will end again in a scandal with my husband.
In case of such torment, that your loved one is definitely hiding something, it is best to turn to consultation with a specialist. Can be carried out diagnostics by photo and the tarot layout and determine whether your fears are true, why this happened and, most importantly, what to do to save the family and bring it out without loss lies from relationships.
In general, a deception, no matter how big or small it is, is always a deception, no matter how you look at it, and don’t console yourself that it’s only one time. The first lie is followed by the next, and so on, until it turns out that this is no longer a lie in a relationship, but a relationship in a lie. This sounds very nice for a title. love story, but in life this is the worst thing that can happen.
And if anyone still doubts that there should be no untruth in love, in family, in relationships, in life! Read an article that proves that any of these factors only requires honesty. The law of mirrors in our lives.
Take care of your relationships, tell each other the truth and nothing but the truth. And you'll see what to avoid lies in relationships much easier than removing it from there later.
I, Manoilo Oksana, am a practicing healer. You are now on my website.
Lies in relationships: causes and consequences
Many people know the truth about how dangerous a partner's deception can be for a relationship. Some of them do not accept any form of lies, others are ready to put up with some omissions from their partner. However, both the former and the latter are not happy when they are systematically lied to. There may be a lie different types. Each of them causes a certain human behavior. The worst form of deception for most people is infidelity. Although it is more feared, other lies may cause no less harm to the relationship.
Problems usually start with a little lie. One person decides that he can afford to hide something or, for example, embellish it without consequences. This is the trap that many people fall into. Only lies tend to increase and tempt to commit another deception. Why is it so difficult to resist this?
Lies are often born out of other lies, although this may escape notice. This is about dishonesty with oneself. Psychologists say that almost always the desire to lie appears with a feeling of guilt. This is one of the main reasons for lying. You want to hide a wrongdoing or a mistake because the other person may not forgive them. This behavior is typical of children who have done something wrong and are afraid of punishment from adults. It is the fear of appearing unworthy of love, respect, recognition that forces one to hide the truth. Lying to oneself develops into deceiving other people quite quickly, and most importantly, unnoticeably.
Lies arise when between people lack of required openness. For example, partners do not trust each other enough and are hesitant to talk about their thoughts or feelings. But it is even more difficult in relationships in which one person does not try to understand the other. In this case, lying becomes a way to avoid reproaches, quarrels and scandals.
Quite often a person begins to lie, thinking that he can afford a little deception. However, he, as a rule, does not think about how his action gives the go-ahead to reciprocal dishonesty. It’s interesting that sometimes people feel that they have no right to deceive themselves. According to psychologists, it turns out to be a vicious circle in which each partner resorts to cunning, creating conditions for the emergence of new lies. As a result, people literally become entangled in this tangle of deceptions. And not every relationship can withstand its unraveling. More often attempts to find out the truth end in conflict.
It is worth considering that lies create distance between people. After all, it turns out that the person seems to be saying: “I don’t allow anyone to know anything about myself.” Over time it deprives you of the opportunity to truly open up and trust another person.
Lying also causes remorse. The person begins to blame himself for the offense, which affects his behavior. This is how he unknowingly communicates that he has lied in the past and gives himself away. It’s not for nothing that they say that any lie becomes obvious. Therefore, you should immediately choose whether you need to bear such responsibility or whether you should tell the truth. Everyone decides for themselves whether they will allow their relationships to be influenced by lies.
- Always stay honest with yourself. Recognize that a particular situation causes a negative reaction and should be discussed with a loved one.
- Talk more often about your condition, plans and dreams. Be able to listen to such revelations from your other half.
- Forgive other people's mistakes and show your love. This is the only way to achieve complete trust on the part of your partner, which will be the key to a long relationship.
How to understand that a person is lying
Relationship with a married man
Long distance relationship
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Deception in family relationships
Many modern parents tend to teach their children to always tell the truth. However, adults themselves forget to follow this principle. According to statistics, every person living on Earth tells lies on average 150 times a day, and this figure increases from year to year. Topics on which lies are told mainly relate to work, money, and free time. But most often people tell lies about family relationships. People tend to lie to those closest to them, often without even feeling shame for their actions. Husbands deceive their wives, wives deceive their children, children deceive their parents. These processes are so natural that they have long become normal.
In some families, it is generally accepted that deception serves to maintain peace and harmony in the family. In certain cases, this is partly true, but this method of resolving problems is far from the best, since the truth will sooner or later be revealed, and then the person who has been deceived for many years will be very disappointed in his companion and may not forgive the deception.
An example of the use of deception as a means of maintaining stability in the family is a man who cheats on his wife, but does not tell her about it, so as not to hurt her and lead to divorce, since life with her brings him peace and stability. However, at the same time, he loves another woman and wants to be with her. As a result, never deciding to make a final choice in favor of one of the parties, he continues to live with his legal wife, spending his free time with his new passion. The same example applies equally to women.
It may also be that a family is born Small child and the parents, in order not to traumatize his psyche and ensure his development in a stable, full-fledged family, decide to be together. They no longer love each other, but they live together (which, in essence, is a spiritual deception to themselves and their partner) for the sake of their child. This example is perhaps one of the few cases of deception for the benefit of another person. The only pity is that such a family does not last long and breaks up when the child turns 7 or 8 years old, and as a result of the parents’ divorce, he is inflicted with even greater trauma than the family would have broken up at the birth of the child.
By the way, women have one very common habit - constantly accusing men of lying. However, the representatives of the “weaker” sex themselves deceive men even more often than they themselves become victims of deception.
The most popular methods of female deception include deception in intimate life, in the financial sphere, in relationships with friends:
1. Deception in intimate life. A woman can say to a man: “Darling, you were magnificent tonight, Alain Delon is just a boy compared to you.” After these words, the man grows wings, he realizes that he is magnificent, since he was able to please the woman he loves. But what can a woman think inside herself when uttering words of praise? Something like: “God, why is he like a log?!” How can he please anyone.” The global mistake of women is often that they tell their friends about men’s weaknesses in their intimate life, through which the man himself finds out about it. Sooner or later, the truth is always revealed, no matter how a person tries to hide it. When a husband finds out that his wife has been giving him false compliments, it hurts him greatly and can lead to divorce.
2. Money fraud. Perhaps one of the most favorite areas of deception for women. Manifests itself in the expressions: “I didn’t take these 100 dollars in your briefcase, in your inner right pocket, rolled up and held together with a paper clip!”, “Do you know how much this dishwashing detergent costs? 600 rubles!” (after, to his surprise, the man finds the same product in a nearby store for 300 rubles), “Darling, I’ll take 5,000 rubles from you, I’ll return most of it to you” (after the woman arrives, the phrase “Oh, I spent it all” is usually heard !”). Women deceive men about money so that they do not get angry and express their dissatisfaction. However, as in the case of intimate life, the truth is revealed and the woman has a very difficult time.
3. Cheating with friends.“Yes, it’s just my friend Vova!”, “Messages on my phone from “Dimusik”? Yes, I don’t know him at all! My friend took my phone to use”, “What other intimate photos?! Don’t you see that this is a photo montage?” Deception in relationships with friends is divided into real and imaginary. Real deception occurs when a woman has a lover and she tries to carefully hide him from her husband in order to save the family. Imaginary deception is present in situations where a woman does not have a close relationship with a man, but due to the fact that the husband is extremely jealous, the woman has to hide from him even friendly relations with the opposite sex. She just doesn't tell him about her friends. The consequences of this kind of deception depend on the degree of jealousy and the man’s ability to forgive.
What are the reasons for deceiving those closest to you? There are 3 main reasons for deception, which include:
The best way out for a person who lacks understanding regarding friends is to have a frank conversation with his or her spouse. It is necessary to explain to the person that he cannot be locked up all the time and needs more freedom of action. Agree with your “other half” that twice a week each of you will have the right to be with friends. This way you will win twice - family relationships will not begin to become boring, and contact with friends will be constantly maintained. If the spouse does not understand the specific arguments, then two options remain - divorce or deception. Otherwise, this conflict cannot be resolved.
In this situation, the wife simply did not dare to give up her hobby just because her husband did not share it, and she had to deceive her husband.
Unfortunately, such changes greatly hurt the partner, who is not ready to change his traditions and give the other more freedom. But it is very important for the further development of relationships to understand that time flies, and traditions change over time, nothing lasts forever. Every person has the right to personal space and, as a rule, he will have it - by deceit or truth.
3. Not the desire for drastic changes, the desire for stability. Even if spouses do not feel love for each other, they can deceive their partner and themselves in order to preserve the family. “Yes, I don’t love him, but he’s such a caring person, such a family man,” “Even though I don’t love her anymore, but she’s very thrifty and a great cook.” The reasons for deception may be different, but the goal is the same - to preserve what is very dear to a person, what has been created over the years, and that is why its value is great. People are rarely ready to destroy in a second those values that were achieved through hard work. Therefore, even constant betrayal does not guarantee the destruction of the family. Usually in this situation people prefer to play a “double game”.
The main thing you need to understand for yourself regarding deception in family relationships is that everyone deceives in one way or another, and those who claim the opposite are already deceiving. If you decide to resort to deception in your family, know that you and only you will bear responsibility for the consequences of this deception. Deception destroys a family and very rarely serves for good. So maybe it would be better not to lead to deception, but to talk openly about everything?
It is not uncommon for a woman to hide something from her partner, lie, or deceive, even in small things. At first glance, it seems harmless. For example, conceal the real cost of a dress, boots, hairdressing services, etc. It’s more serious if you want to go somewhere, communicate with certain people, realize some of your interests, but your husband is against it. Here you already have to be more resourceful, and the circumstances are aggravated by the fact that you have to prove something, make excuses if everything does not go as expected.
Many resort to reticence and deception (small or large) in order to simplify communication, maintain peace in relationships, and fulfill some of their needs. But the fact that deception helps is an illusion, which eventually collapses harshly when the truth becomes known. And then you have to face the consequences.
What is hidden in a relationship behind the fact of deception?
Cheating is an indicator of a lack of intimacy, understanding and trust in your couple's relationship.
“He won’t understand me, why I need this, it’s useless to solve this with him, he will reject me in my desire, so I’d rather deceive, hide, conceal.”
Behind it all there is fear. And when there is fear, a person is designed in such a way that he is forced to defend himself. And in this case, we protect ourselves from our partner - the source of fear - by distance. We just move away from him, have less contact, and don’t get too close. And the relationship becomes more formal, superficial than deep.
Depth in relationships is impossible without trust and openness.
By deceiving, you communicate with a person as if from a “false” part of yourself, from some created guise. And then, communicating from this position with your partner, especially if there is a lot of it, over time you cease to be interesting to him, because... in the face there is no authenticity, realness, and accordingly, depth is unattainable. There is no pleasure from contact with a person, there is no unity that fills. The partner moves away, grows cold, intimacy disappears and the relationship slowly begins to collapse.
A person who deceives must be constantly on guard so that the deception is not discovered, especially if it is a serious deception. This creates tension. And in order to protect himself from the fact that the secret becomes obvious, he subconsciously chooses less contact with his partner.
Any relationship is possible when intimacy is born between two people. And if you are in a relationship, then the intimacy between you was once born as a result of some kind of interaction. If there were no intimacy, there would be no relationship. This is the foundation on which everything rests. But when closeness begins to decrease, distance appears - this is a signal that the relationship is at risk. And if intimacy, trust and understanding disappear completely, then the relationship ends. Of course, if there is no benefit that you get from being in this relationship, even if it is not entirely comfortable. But are you happy at the same time?
It’s good if there is intimacy, trust and understanding in other areas of your relationship, because... it helps the relationship last. But still, there is a risk zone that can subsequently develop if you do not pay attention to it!
Often people resort to deception to get some benefit or fulfill some need. And this is also a signal that something is wrong in the relationship, which prevents you from openly expressing your needs and realizing them.
Perhaps you are in the role of a daughter in a relationship, or you often fall into the position of a child when you need to ask, take time off, ask for permission. The husband is perceived as a big, formidable parent who can punish and reject if he is disobeyed. It's easier to hide something from him than to try to explain it. But the main “failure” happens in the fact that, precisely when trying to explain or prove that we need this, it comes from the role of a little girl who begins to be offended by prohibitions, to be capricious, or from the role of a rebellious teenager. And if the need is significant, then deception is a way to realize it. This is how children and teenagers deceive their parents when they begin to overly suppress them.
The exit from here is strengthening your inner Adult. An adult cannot be prohibited from doing anything. He can make his own decisions and be responsible for his choices. In addition, if you turn from your adult part to the adult part of your partner, you get a completely different dialogue. Adults communicate through negotiations; it is easier for them to find the necessary arguments to justify their choice and they are more willing to understand each other’s needs and provide opportunities for their implementation.
Well, maybe being honest and sincere is a challenge. A challenge in terms of going through fear, accepting responsibility for your actions, roles in these relationships. It's a challenge to be an adult and work through issues while trying to reach a compromise that benefits both parties. This will require courage and determination.
Sometimes a woman, listening to her mother’s advice, begins protect yourself in matters of joint real estate.
Good and profitable. Often a woman does this on the advice of her mother, saying, who knows how your relationship will turn out.
You feel that the relationship is built from the start LIES and FALSE. Many people think that we deceive with words, that if we don’t explain and tell our husband this, he won’t understand. He may not understand, only intuitively he will feel that you are playing against him and not on his field, and that you are preparing escape routes in advance.
Why are we so sensitive to percentages, to thousands, and allow our relationships to be treated so carelessly? After all, by doing this, we are planting a time bomb called “Divorce.” Don't start a relationship with such lies. And it’s better to consult with your husband, not with your mother. Now your main adviser is your husband; any man appreciates such devotion.
You need to be very careful about your parents' help. I repeat once again, it is no coincidence that after the wedding everything material passed to the husband, he owned it, he became the owner. The woman did not have any escape routes initially.
The next common type of lie in a relationship is when a woman runs to work, disappears there from morning to evening, and tells the man about self-realization, about the fact that he will go crazy if he is a housewife. (This applies to cases when your husband expresses dissatisfaction with your workload and suggests leaving your job). The man seems to take your word for it, but doesn’t believe you in principle. But a woman runs to work driven by fear. Control everything and everyone, do not let life out of sight, otherwise you will trust him, and he will leave, abandon, die, and where will I go? A woman keeps her escape routes; she does not trust a man. Childish fear drives her. I know what I’m writing about, so objections are not accepted. I will definitely write a separate article about this, so you don’t miss it, subscribe to the newsletter.
A woman who is unable to begin to trust her man will never open the door called "Femininity". Never. Opening a little and a little does not count. It’s like an egg, which is a little bit of an egg, but like a danger it immediately turns into a sperm. Think for yourself. Is this possible? Why do we do this experiment in life?
Very often deception begins where the woman begins to save her money.“Your” money is “ours”, and mine is mine. And my mother taught me that it is better to put them aside. Can I ask a question? If you've ever done this, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THIS MAN AROUND?
Money is a very strong and powerful energy. Life and survival are directly related to money. “Money is life. Without money, no one can survive in our society. Money allows us to live." Bert Hellinger. And the best test in a relationship is money. Do we hide them, hide them, conceal them.
A woman who saves money has a strong subconscious desire to protect herself; she does not trust her partner. That's why she saves it in case she is left alone, for her independent life. The only question is how soon this will happen.
A woman who defends herself on all fronts will never open the door called FEMININITY. Femininity is defenselessness(not to be confused with helplessness).
I can already hear the indignation of some women: “Lord, what else have you come up with!”
As one woman wrote in the comments: “Support the man, and put him first, but when will you live?” Yes, this is where our most difficult work lies, not office work. Office work is the easiest thing a woman can do. We know how to plow, sow and stew, but it is incredibly difficult to be soft, defenseless, feminine.
Very often we are deceived without knowing or understanding the motives. For example, a man goes to another city, to another country to work, his wife either follows him, or...
But if you are not going to a man, if you have a lot of reasons (the child doesn’t want it, I have work, you can’t leave, etc.), then this is also a deception. As a couple you have separated. And if you didn’t go after him, then you “broke up” long before he left. Sometimes it's hard to admit. But if a man and a woman do not live in the same apartment and do not sleep in the same bed for a month, two, three, then in essence they have separated, even if they have not yet divorced.
A guest marriage is also deception or self-deception. And the one who offers this type of relationship is deceiving. He hasn't made his final choice yet.
Using a man. What could be worse? This is when a woman marries a man for some benefits, not always material, but in her heart she does not choose him. It will not work to endure a man forever for the sake of gain; someday a woman, having grown stronger and received what she got married for, will want to leave the relationship. It’s so easy and simple: - yesterday I needed you, but today I don’t. As a rule, a receipt for payment is waiting at the “exit”.
The man is such a deceiver, he just doesn’t forgive and “hits” very painfully. There are so many stories today about how men take away children and leave women with nothing. These are stories about “used” men. A man will never just torture a woman and separate her from her children. Only his severe pain and resentment will force him to do this. Men take revenge. That's how they are built. I don’t presume to judge how good or bad this is.
At the end I will give examples of what I call "harmless" deception. Why harmless, because it seems to us that by deceiving, we save the relationship, protect our husband’s nerves, etc.
It can be prices for purchases, sometimes we underestimate them, sometimes we overestimate them, depending on what we want to get.
Or at the beginning of a relationship we want to impress on young man and pretend to be someone we are not. Don't be afraid to be yourself, don't be afraid to declare your principles and outline your boundaries. Don't forget about your dignity. , which caused an incredible response online. So this is a pressing question. For example, if you don’t smoke or drink, you shouldn’t do this just to avoid seeming like a notorious black sheep. Be yourself and don't mislead anyone.
Sometimes deception penetrates into intimate relationships; a woman can feign pleasure when she does not receive it. Fortunately, today there is a place to watch and learn.
Perhaps I missed some other examples, if there are any, you will definitely see them in your relationships.
Dear women, we communicate as a couple not only at the level of words, more often we communicate at the level of the soul, and the soul always knows who is telling the truth and who is lying. Honesty, sincerity, trust and– this is the foundation without which any human relationship is not possible, especially in a couple.
Remember that you are an adult woman and don’t be afraid to communicate, talk to your man, don’t be afraid frankness. You yourself chose this person. Be natural, open in your desires and states. Love is, first of all, an atmosphere of trust.
“If a man feels that a woman is always with him, he develops enormous strength; he can take on any task. As soon as he feels that a woman is not with him, his energy dries up. Now he only has dreams, but they are powerless - they no longer have energy, they cannot be realized. A man creates a dream. A woman gives impetus to making a dream come true.” Osho.
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Tatyana Dzutseva
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Lying in relationships is so common that an experienced person, who also has some knowledge of psychology, may involuntarily grin when someone tells him: “my husband (wife) is lying to me.” On the other hand, people, especially young and naive people, often idolize their significant other so much that it can be a shock for them when their lover hides the truth.
Lies (even small ones) are almost always present in relationships, and only some manage to establish such a level of interaction in which the first will never be able to catch the second in a lie (and vice versa).
However, to achieve this, you need to work hard on your relationships.
Why do people lie to each other
Women and men have different behavior and ways of thinking. Therefore, their reasons for lying, as a rule, differ.
Where a man lies, a woman will tell the truth.
And vice versa.
But it should be understood that each person has a unique character, and in addition there is a number psychological aspects, in which lying is pathological. Below are described only the general reasons that are typical for the majority.
Why does a woman lie to a man?
There are several theories about this. However, the most popular of them says that women's lies are a product of evolution that serves the function of retaining a partner.
Men, at their core, are polygamous creatures (males). Their task is to conceive a child, and, when the opportunity arises, to leave for another female. Here you need a reason - some kind of mistake on the part of your partner. What options does a woman have who has done something that a man doesn’t like? Don't stop him by force. Therefore, practically the only way is to lie in the hope that the truth will never come out.
This is how it was in ancient times. But even today, women's lies perform their protective functions. It allows you to avoid anger from your partner, and, as then, maintain the relationship.
Why do men lie?
It would be foolish to believe that all (or even most) lies in relationships come exclusively from women. Representatives of the stronger sex also sin like this, and very often. But why do men lie? To explain this phenomenon, let us again take a theory that is at the intersection of anthropology and psychology.
If women, as we found out, lie to keep, then men lie to win.
The female needs to be attracted with something: resources and dominance. But not everyone can boast of wealth and a high position in society, and the role programmed by nature (procreation) must somehow be fulfilled.
Another answer to the question why men lie is that they want to avoid unnecessary stress from female interrogations and quarrels.
Women love to interrogate their partner, who would like to hide some facts of his biography, so as not to incur many hours of “nagging.”
How to recognize a lie?
Doesn't always come out. At least about 70-80% of lies remain in the shadows. Yes, there will be suspicions, but in most cases it is difficult to get to the truth. But you can recognize a lie with high probability.
Pay attention to the main signs of lying:
Avoiding answers.
If a person has not prepared for deception in advance, then he will not be able to give a clear answer to your unexpected question. Changes in tone will begin in the voice, speech will be confused and, possibly, abrupt. When a person lies, he experiences serious discomfort, which, in particular, manifests itself in anxiety. And I want to get rid of it as soon as possible. In this regard, the liar will try to end the conversation as quickly as possible by moving away from the topic, shouting, or using manipulation.
You can recognize a lie by behavior.
During a conversation, a person may involuntarily begin to look away, scratch himself, put his hands in his pockets, etc. Sudden, previously unusual, fussiness in behavior indicates a person’s nervousness. This is a reason to think about why it appeared.
Naturally, no one likes lying in a relationship, but you should understand that if your partner lied, he had a reason for it. These are the reasons you need to solve together. If you want to have a relationship where there is absolutely no room for lies, then you should work at it purposefully and diligently. To do this, study and actively use techniques that develop trust and establish close contact. Trust is the basis of a relationship; don’t look for a reason to “catch” your partner for something and don’t provoke him.
As soon as lies arise between people, the relationship must be terminated. If you are trying to help someone and he lies to you, nothing good will come of it - everything that happens will turn out to be a farce. In your attempts to help the person who has contacted you, you will not move forward a single millimeter until you establish the fact of deception. There is no other way out at this stage. When providing assistance, trust is key. If trust is lost, everything else becomes meaningless. One of two things remains: either trust must be restored, or the relationship comes to an end. Where lies are present, normal human relationships are impossible.
Truthfulness and sincerity are everything. These qualities are the cornerstone of the relationship between a man and a woman during dating hours and during family life.
Cheating during courtship
In the world of lovers you can come across different kinds deception. Let's take a closer look at the most common ones.
Cheating about your relationship
Karen really liked Mat. They dated for several months. But gradually she realized that their relationship had no future. Karen loved the fact that Matt was in her life. Matt's attitude towards her was much more serious. He stopped communicating with other girls altogether and began to treat her as a lover.
At first, Karen even felt awkward from his seriousness. But she tried to drive away this feeling. In the end, she was pleased with him, and she did not see anything wrong with it. But Matt fell in love with Karen more and more. There were all the signs that the guy was “hooked.” How great love he demonstrated, the more she drove away the haunting feeling that she was hiding the truth from him. "So what's wrong with that?" - she convinced herself.
Late one evening they were watching TV together. Leaning towards Karen, Matt kissed her tenderly and said:
- I love you.
Karen seemed numb. But she still responded to his kiss, continuing to act as if she was experiencing the same feelings as him. After a while she said that she was tired and wanted to sleep. Karen bid him goodnight and he left. Matt felt at the height of bliss. He had the feeling that their relationship had reached a qualitatively new level. He made grandiose plans for the future, feeling huge changes within himself. That night he dreamed of the time he and Karen would be together.
What do you think happened to them later?
In principle, two options are possible. Option one. The next day Karen approached Matt and said:
- We need to talk. Last night when you said you loved me, I felt a little uneasy. I think we have different feelings for each other. I don't feel the same for you as you feel for me. I think it's better for us to remain friends.
Unfortunately, it did not happen. The girl ignored the emotional heaviness and continued to live as before. The young man became more and more fascinated by her. She, as before, did not interfere with this. Matt devoted all his time to Karen, paid special attention to her, and did not let her go from him for a minute. He was sure that they were the bride and groom. She allowed him to think so. She enjoyed spending time with him. She constantly suppressed the steadily growing internal contradiction between what she had to portray and what she actually felt. She kept repeating to herself: “I feel so good with him. What’s wrong with continuing to date him?” And everything remained the same. But still, a moment came when Karen thought not only about herself, but also about Mat. She decided that it was time to end their meetings and told the young man that she did not see their relationship continuing.
Matt was depressed. He couldn't believe his ears. Just yesterday everything was wonderful, but today everything suddenly changed. How could this happen? His disappointment was so great that for a very long time he could not meet anyone at all.
Many young men and women find themselves in a similar situation. Each side is experiencing heartache. But Matt's pain was by far the worst. He was deceived. He believed that his beloved treated him the same way he treated her. But it turned out that this is not so. What previously caused rejoicing in his soul now turned into severe mental pain.
The reality is that often the period of a young man's courtship with a girl is accompanied by pain and even loss. Many lovers know from their own experience what it is like to lose love or even the hope of loving. And although often in a relationship between two people the loss of the desired feeling of love is almost inevitable, the loss of trust in a person of the opposite sex should not occur if people behave honestly towards each other. As Paul said, “Therefore, putting away falsehood, speak the truth every one of you to his neighbor, for we are members of one another” (Ephesians 4:25). It's one thing to have love and lose it. It’s a completely different thing to have love and lie to your loved one’s face.
There is nothing wrong with going on dates with someone, enjoying someone’s company, and in the process of communicating, gradually and fully discovering your attitude towards this person. Actually, this is why people meet. But as soon as one of the two is convinced that their relationship cannot be the way the other imagines or hopes to see it, then he is obliged to tell him about it directly and honestly. Any other behavior is deception and causes harm to the other person. Don't be the cause of deception or allow the other person to be deceived about your actions. Matt would have felt much better if he had found out the truth sooner, once Karen herself figured out everything that was happening, This would have prevented him from losing trust in women.
Friendship scam
The same thing can happen exactly the opposite. Karen acted like a bride, although in reality she was just a friend. There are people who lie about their true relationships, pretending that they are just friends. Both among girls and boys there are those who have a secret object of adoration, and they try in every possible way to win his affection. Driven by their ulterior motives, they come up with all sorts of ways to be useful to him, to somehow serve him. And if the object of their passion does not reciprocate, they begin to feel offended, neglected and even victimized, as if he had caused them some harm. And the “object” all this time believes that they are “just friends.”
There is nothing wrong with becoming friends with someone and getting to know this person better in order to understand what kind of relationship you can count on in the future. Very often, relationships between people that begin with friendship gradually become deeper and develop into the strongest and longest possible ones. But in no case should you, having very definite views on someone, keep this person in error for a long time, pretending that you have something completely different on your mind.
Without a doubt, you are absolutely not obliged, having felt any attractive feelings towards a person of the opposite sex, to immediately lay all your cards on the table. However, approaching the truth in a roundabout way and deliberately misleading are two different things. There is no need to act like a friend if you are not one. The best thing to do is to ask yourself a direct question: “What will happen if everything does not end the way I imagine?” If you sincerely admit that you would be happy to remain friends and that you love this person only as a friend, then act honestly. If you say: “Oh, he’s not happy with my option, then I don’t care whether we remain “friends” or not,” then your friendship will turn out to be just a bargaining chip. Just know that.
Cheating on other people
Often two people deceive each other about their relationships with other people. They pretend that some person is “just a friend,” although they once had, and maybe even now have, a deeper relationship.
At my reception there was a man who was dating a woman. He kept trying to figure out her true attitude towards herself, as he was haunted by a strange feeling that something was wrong with her. She devoted too much time and energy to work. My patient did not at all object to such a strong attachment to work, but his lover’s relationship with her supervisor made him somewhat wary. He knew absolutely for sure that they were not dating and were not doing anything illegal. But there was some connection between her excessive passion for work and her attitude towards her boss,
Soon everything became clear: it turns out that this woman was once engaged to her boss. And a certain connection continued to exist between them to this day. But she claimed that their relationship was purely business. Thus, she misled my patient.
He began to feel cruelly deceived, their relationship became increasingly cold. They faltered not because the woman worked with her ex-fiancé, but because she did not inform the man she was dating about her previous relationship with her boss. He learned about her past relationship with a man, which she herself did not openly admit. Then some other circumstances surfaced, which she also hid. Their relationship ended completely. And if she had told the truth about her former boyfriend, subsequent circumstances would not have been decisive. But if a person has already been deceived once, trust is difficult to restore. Later I found out that this woman returned to her former boyfriend. I told my patient that he was lucky: he left her on time.
Deception about who you really are
In the chapter on honesty, it would be a good idea to remind you that your relationship will be as successful as you can be honest and sincere about everything that happens.
If you like a certain music, church, movies, occupation, then say so. If you don't feel like going to someone's house or to an event, be honest about it. This does not mean that you should not sacrifice your interests for the sake of another. This means that you should not be embarrassed to be yourself. Otherwise, your friend will consider you one person, although in fact you are completely different. And this will cause trouble later. In addition, as a rule, compliant people attract powerful, selfish people, and you don’t want to connect your life with someone like that. Be genuine, don't fake who you're dating, and enjoy your relationship.
Deception about what is happening
There are people who lie not about their feelings, tastes, personal preferences, but about the actual circumstances of their lives. Here are the possible TYPES of LIES:
About your place of residence
- About financial condition
- About drug abuse
- About your relationship with someone else
- About your past
- About your life achievements
- About the facts of your biography
If you catch your admirer in a lie, take it as a very serious warning about his true nature. Lying about anything puts your relationship on too shaky a foundation.
Deception about grievances and quarrels
Suppose you intend to always tell only the truth about everything that happens. But you must be on guard about your companion at all times! If you lie to the person you like, you will never know his true nature.
If you want the relationship with the person you are dating to lead to something more serious, then the most important thing that is required of you is to be honest about the grievances and quarrels that arise. Imagine that you have a problem in your relationship with your lover: you don’t like the way he treats you, or you are offended by something. You should admit this frankly.
Here are two main reasons why you should be honest when something is wrong:
1. All disagreements that cause pain and resentment can be resolved only by being honest with each other.
2. If you are always honest, then the behavior of another person unmistakably indicates to you whether a long and lasting relationship based on truthfulness is possible with him.
As soon as there is a grudge lurking in your soul, bring it up for discussion. Do not allow bitter feelings to settle inside you for a long time. If another person has done something that you don’t like, that goes against your beliefs, that you consider to be fundamentally wrong, then you should definitely discuss it with him. If you don't, your relationship will be built on a false sense of security and intimacy. And in the future you will often have to experience resentment and fear. Much will be lost to you if you never understand who your partner really is and what your future relationship can realistically be like. And you can find out this only if you directly and openly resolve all quarrels that arise and do not hush up grievances. A conflict-free relationship is a superficial and empty relationship. Next, you must find out whether your loved one can honestly and openly deal with issues that arise. conflict situations and the grievances they generate. Conclusion of the Bible and everyone research work from the study of human relationships is absolutely clear: only those who are able to openly resolve all disagreements that arise and cope with the negative emotions associated with them can build their relationships properly. First of all, before it is too late, you must find out whether you can talk about everything with your lover. If you have serious plans for a person who is not able to deal with the feeling of resentment that has arisen in you or himself, cannot resolve an urgent conflict, then loneliness awaits you together, as well as hostility and even cruel treatment loved one.
Proverbs very accurately describes a person who is unable to overcome the confrontation that has arisen: “Do not rebuke a scoffer, lest he hate you; rebuke a wise man, and he will love you” (Proverbs 9:8). “The dissolute does not like those who rebuke him, and will not go to the wise” (Proverbs 15:12).
You need to know what the person you are meeting is like: does he only begin to make excuses when you raise the issue of a quarrel and want to sort out the grievance that has arisen, or does he strive to listen to you, get to the bottom of the truth and draw the appropriate conclusion for himself. If you do not deal with the conflict immediately, you will have to face a lot of troubles when your relationship becomes more serious. Sincerity in the event of an offense or an imminent quarrel is the basis of spiritual closeness. It divides people into two parts - wise men and fools. Sincerity is the trump card in your hands. You cannot control all the actions of the person you go on dates with. But you can determine exactly what you will become in the future, and based on this, understand what kind of person you would like to be with.
Two types of liars
Why do people lie and what can you do about it? In our opinion, there are two types of liars.
Some people lie out of shame or guilt, out of fear of escalating conflict, or out of fear of losing love. They lie because they are afraid, and precisely in those situations in which it would be easier to tell the truth. They want to be honest, but for one reason or another they can’t do it. They are afraid of the anger of another person: it seems to them that they will no longer be loved. Others lie because it has already become their norm of life. They deceive people for their own pleasure. Their lies are not based on fear or a desire to justify themselves - they simply enjoy lying.
Do you want to take a certain risk to deal with a representative of the first type? The people who belong to him have never had a relationship with anyone in which they would feel completely safe and would be honest and sincere. They have already become a habit of not telling the truth. They lie for the sake of preserving love, for the sake of maintaining existing relationships. They do not want to be caught in something, because then they will be tormented by a feeling of guilt and tormented by remorse. Such people do not pose a real danger, they do not carry evil within themselves. It often happens that, having met a person with whom they feel calm and safe, they begin to tell only the truth. Some people, faced with the fact of deception, are ready to take risks. They are full of hope that a person who feels their mercy and love will repent and improve.
We are not encouraging everyone to continue dating this type of person. But sometimes the consequences can turn out to be quite favorable. There are no strict norms and rules here. However, we believe that dating between lovers is not a penal colony. Correction and re-education of a person should occur in conversation with a counselor, in self-analysis, in work with a mentor, etc. Dating exists in order to find out who your soul is for. The relationship between lovers can become quite serious and will subsequently be sealed by marriage. A situation where one of the two constantly lies, even out of fear, is unacceptable for marriage. A lying spouse trembling with fear is a real threat to family well-being. A lie is destructive in its essence, no matter what the reasons it is caused by. In general, the best thing to do is to stay away from liars, no matter what lies behind their lies.
We are deeply convinced that only honest and sincere people should give their time and soul. From our point of view, getting involved with a person capable of deception is too risky. If he reformed and came to you with repentance, that’s one thing. But don’t think that you will become the only one who will be able to change a person whose standard of life has long been an exculpatory lie. Some people cheat by accident and immediately admit it. If after such an incident a person has not lied for a long time, then he can probably be trusted. And yet, a loved one who is capable of deceiving you will create a lot of problems for you. Whatever decision you make - to stay with this person or to break up - do not continue any relationship with him until the issue of his tendency to lie is finally resolved and until you are completely sure that this is a thing of the past. Remember the words of that wise instructor: do not solve any other problems in your relationship until the lies are over.
The second type of liar is not a match for you under any circumstances. Immediately “wave your hand at him” to save yourself from severe mental pain in the future. Chronic cheaters are not suitable for any relationship, no matter how much you are in love with them. Run from them without looking back. Truthfulness is the most important border
Truthfulness is the foundation on which almost everything that exists in our lives rests. When the issue of lying comes up, you must take an unapologetic stance. There should be no place for deception in your life. This is how King David took a tough stance on lying: “He who deals deceitfully will not dwell in my house; he who speaks lies will not remain in my sight” (Psalm 100:7).
It's clear, frank and to the point. You cannot remain tolerant of lies. However, this does not mean that if you were once deceived or lied to once, then you should immediately break off all relations with this person. This especially applies to those cases when your boyfriend or girlfriend does not clearly express their tastes and preferences and cannot clearly and unambiguously characterize their desires. I think that every person is constantly growing in their ability to be direct and open, in the ability not to hide their true feelings and deep emotional experiences. People are always in the process of growth. And it is the relationship between lovers that turns out to be a huge stimulus in this process. None of us are perfect, none of us has such firmness and steadfastness that we can “do without a fig leaf.”
But if lies have crept into your relationship, if deception has settled in, then you should not put up with it. If your friend hides his true feelings, thoughts, views, demand complete clarity and openness from him. Do not allow your loved one to be secretive. Always follow the rule: “I will only date someone who will honestly tell me everything he feels and thinks.” Of course, lying about your feelings and thoughts is not the immediate cause of a relationship breakdown. loving people. But this is a very good indicator of where a serious lie begins. If it becomes a habit, your love will fail.
However, there are aspects of human life where lying is much more dangerous. If a person close to you plays a double game, if he lets you down in serious matters with his deception, if he is in a state of chemical dependence and hides it, if he does not keep his promises, then do not take a single step in life next to him. You should exercise extreme caution and have a very good reason for pursuing a relationship with such a person. In most cases, such lies indicate serious characterological deviations from the norm. It is almost impossible to change such a person, but close communication with him causes enormous mental pain to those around him. I don't think you want to be one of them.
If a person has undergone a process of deep spiritual transformation, if he has repented, changed and began to live in a new way, then you can think about believing him again. But only if these changes last for quite a long time. However, remember once and for all: deceit is one of the most dangerous qualities of human character. You must have a very good reason to believe that the person can change. Otherwise, huge troubles await you. You have a responsibility to fight back against liars. You cannot have a close relationship with a person who is deceiving you.
If you are being lied to, you should:
- Don't pretend you don't notice anything.
- Listen to the explanation and determine the degree of responsibility,
assumed by the liar, as well as the sincerity of his regret. - Try to understand the conditions in which the lie you hear puts you
and your relationships. If a person is afraid, if he feels guilty, if he is frightened by the prospect of losing your love, then work on these aspects. As you work, try to determine whether his character will change if he feels more secure. But be extra careful when doing this. - Determine the degree of repentance and changes that have occurred: how seriously the person began to profess holiness and purity; how strong is his internal motivation to change for the better.
- To answer this question; “Is it worth meeting a person halfway if he wants to change?” He must prove his resolve. One “sorry” is absolutely not enough.
- Try to establish the type of lie itself. Did the person lie in self-defense or is lying the core of who he is? If it’s the latter, then it’s better to honestly face the truth: you find yourself next to a person who loves himself more than anything in the world and whom nothing can change. If the lie is self-defense, then think carefully about whether it is worth continuing the relationship with this person. They should be continued only if there is a very good reason.
Everyone gets what they deserve
And finally, remember this: if you don’t want to go through life hand in hand with a liar, be honest yourself always and in everything. First of all - with yourself. Living for a long time next to a liar means to some extent deceiving yourself. If you do this, it means that you are no longer honest with yourself. You are trying to hide from yourself the presence of character traits in a person close to you that do not suit you. Don't lie to yourself.
As Jesus said, “First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:5). Stop lying. Become honest and sincere in everything. This doesn't mean you should immediately say everything that's on your mind. You are not required to communicate your feelings and intentions on the first date. You should not openly demonstrate your resentment over every trifle. Anyone who behaves this way only alienates people.
But this means that in serious matters you should not lie. Especially if you have already invested part of your soul in a relationship with another person. You can't deceive him. You are obligated to tell the whole truth. If you cannot behave directly and honestly, you will lose communication with a person who will not tolerate insincerity in your relationship, no matter what is behind it. With your lies, you will only attract someone who is not averse to lying. And then you'll be in trouble. Become a man of light. Then only people of light will be drawn to you, and people of darkness will not withstand the impact of the truth you express. This will be your best protection. This is what Jesus Christ said about this: “This is the judgment, that light has come into the world; but men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For everyone who does evil hates the light and does not come to to the light, so that his deeds will not be exposed, because they are evil; but he who does righteousness comes to the light, so that his deeds may be revealed, because they are done in God" (John 3:19-21).
If you are an honest person, then it is likely that next to you there will also be an honest and sincere person. If you deceive yourself and others, then most likely you are destined to live next to a deceiver. Become the light and you will attract only light to you. This is the most best border of all possible.
conclusions
- Honesty is the cornerstone of all relationships, including
relationship between a boy and a girl. Consider the appearance of deception between you as a warning sign. It indicates that it is time to “put on the brakes.” - never mislead anyone. This is nothing more than deception.
- Let your loved one know about your intentions in a timely manner. Directness must be timely. Don't pretend to be content with being a friend if you have something completely different in mind. It kills friendship.
- If your previous relationships have become important to you again, then there is no need to deceive anyone about this. This will destroy your credibility.
- One of the main manifestations of sincerity is the ability to be yourself
yourself. This involves being able to speak directly and openly about your likes and dislikes, what offends you, and what is causing you trouble. When faced with deception, do not try to close your eyes to it.
Make sure your loved one has been able to cleanse himself of this sin and demonstrate spiritual growth. If this does not happen, you are dooming yourself to endless mental pain. A fundamental principle of all human relationships: honesty always attracts honesty. The more honest you are, the more likely you are to meet a truthful person.