Hello dear readers of the Samprosvetbyulleten blog!

“I don’t know how to improve my relationship with my husband. He often responds to my complaints by saying that he doesn’t understand me and is “playing the fool.” After work he withdraws into himself and you can’t get a word out of him. I try to communicate with him more, because I think that communication is the main thing, but he is more interested in games on the Internet. He just sits like a little kid and points at his iPhone. I told him that it was more interesting for him to play than with me, but he was offended. I don’t know anymore,” writes Svetlana.

“Tell me how to improve relations with my husband? I said that we need to discuss our problems. He was generally surprised, said: “I thought that we and you were happy with everything,” feigned surprise. I lost my temper and told him everything that had boiled over. He just threw up his hands and said: “Why are you just telling me about this now?” It turned out to be my fault! Now he avoids communication. Maybe I don't know"? — writes Julia.

What is marriage and relationships for a man and for what reasons does a man leave communication? See →.

And today I have prepared for you seven simple secrets that will help you behave correctly with a man.

1. Your husband can't read your mind.

Have you ever seen a man and a woman in a heated argument? The man stands with a puzzled face, spreads his arms, raised his eyebrows, looks surprised.

"What are you talking about!? I don't understand!"

This is a description of a man who sincerely doesn’t know what’s going on and doesn’t have any guesses.

Usually a woman feels wounded and insulted here. It seems to her that the man is pretending to be a “fool” or that he is just an “insensitive idiot.” But more often than not, he really doesn’t know what he’s talking about, especially if it’s a dispute and disagreement. If he looks surprised, there's a good chance he's actually surprised and has little understanding of what you want from him.

Some men find it difficult to communicate and understand women when there is no concise and clear language. Men get very annoyed when they see that a woman is upset and wants to convey something to them, but they cannot understand what it is.

2. Give your husband time to himself

After a working day, a man wants to come home, to his fortress, to relax, to rest. But the first thing he often encounters at home is a demand for his attention, an invasion of his personal space.

"What are you going to eat?"

“Look at these bills!”

“Did you find out when you will have a vacation?”

“The children don’t listen, talk to them...”

In fact, it can wait a bit until the man clears his head after work. Everything seems obvious, but in practice, in everyday life, many women forget about it.

If you want good communication, give your man the opportunity to simply relax when he comes home tired. Instead of pestering him with questions and problems, use " Law of First Impression».

The first impression determines our further communication.

We think that first impressions are important at the beginning of dating. But his strength is also great in relationships. Whenever we separate for a while and meet again, we are influenced by the first impression. Our first words, our facial expression, our behavior in the first few seconds set the mood for the rest of the time.

Take control of the first impression in your relationship. When a man returns after a short breakup, create a pleasant and positive impression. Smile, kiss, try to look attractive and let him have his own space and clear his head. Then he himself will come to you for attention and communication.

3. Know when to be quiet.

Silence is gold. This is useful to remember for women who think they can change their less talkative man by forcing him to communicate.

Silence is the best strategy if you are more talkative than your loved one. For many women to support happy relationship, means talking to your loved one about everything and as often as possible. Usually such women are never satisfied with communication. They think that the more they talk to a man, the more he will understand their feelings, be more likely to change and love more deeply. And while the woman tries to increase the number of conversations, he only becomes more closed, distant and irritated.

If your man is not talkative, you may be trying to get him to talk more. Attempts to force communication will be perceived by him as disrespect. To get such men to open up, you need a calm, intelligent approach. If you communicate with him at his pace, you have a better chance of influencing him favorably.

4. Learn to forgive his mistakes

Know how to forgive and do not hold grudges in your heart against the man you love. When your heart is heavy due to resentment, it is a sign that you are disappointed in him and still have not forgiven him. Yours will appear in communication with him different ways: in hints, in subtext, in body language. Unfortunately, this can start to work against you.

If a man treats you with love and respect more often than he makes mistakes, learn not to hold any grudges against him in your heart. About how to stop being offended, read the Samprosvetbyulletin.

If you often criticize your man and challenge his words, he will learn a new way of communicating with you - not telling you anything at all.

For a man, having his answers condemned is the same as being accused of murder when the trial is already just a formality. There is no point in proving or explaining something if the verdict has already been made.

A woman asks her husband to wash the dishes for the children because she will be home late from work. She comes home tired, goes to the kitchen and sees that the sink is littered with dirty dishes. The husband is dozing in front of the TV, still not changed from work.

What would you do in her place?

Did they wake him up and tell him he was lazy and irresponsible?

Or will you not rush to conclusions?

Suppose it turned out that he also had a hard day, that immediately after coming home from work he began helping one of the children with school assignment by tomorrow. If a woman attacks him with reproaches, he will feel hurt because he has not done anything wrong to her. He will feel bitter and resentful.

If she doesn't jump to conclusions, he'll have a chance to explain everything and she'll see what he's like. good father. She will have the opportunity to express her gratitude and praise to him. In this case, the man will be more inclined to fulfill her request.

In a relationship, the same situation can lead to different results if you don't rush to judgment and give the man a chance first.

I don't want to say that all cases will be similar, but not rushing to conclusions before you have all the information is the best strategy in a relationship with a man.

6. Don't demand immediate decisions

Perhaps you have been in a situation where you say something to a man, waiting for his answer, opinion, decision, but he seems to “hang” in space and does not hear. In fact, he is simply not ready to give you a definite answer. Don’t “pressure”, give him time to come to a decision or conclusion, don’t put pressure on him.

Men take longer to process certain information, especially when emotions are involved. Instead of demanding an answer from a man right then and there, give him some time to process your conversation and come to a rational, honest conclusion and be sincere with you.

If you demand a solution right now, his response will most likely be based on a desire to please you in order to avoid conflict in the moment and you will not understand what he really wants.

7. Don't deny reality

Denial of reality is one of the defense mechanisms of our psyche when we do not want to see reality as it is. This defense mechanism is often used by women. For example, in a relationship with a man, a woman may not see some character traits that cause him to behave one way and not another. A man has his own character, habits, outlook on life and expectations. Even if you don't like something about him, you can't deny the reality.

If you interact with a man with the expectation that he will be able to understand you completely and be completely reasonable and logical all the time, you will be disappointed.

The first step to improving communication is to accept a man as he is now and how he communicates at this moment.

If you expect a man to communicate and behave the way you ideally imagine, you are creating barriers between you. You can't build relationships by denying reality.

Of course, each situation is unique and there are no recommendations that would suit every couple 100%. But the main thing is that you already have a desire to improve your communication, change the situation, and this is the first step to solving problems.

Many married couples who have lived together for more than three years note that their marital relationship has become filled with gray everyday life and has lost its novelty. At the same time, the intimate intimacy between spouses is no longer distinguished by its former brightness and is not sensual and passionate, as on the honeymoon.

Statistics show that not all couples experience well crisis of sensuality and tear it apart.

But, there is also a certain percentage married couples who were able after many years life together open new horizons in relationships and return old emotional fervor.

Today, psychologists note 10 options for reviving sensuality and romanticism in marriage:

1. Restore the vibrancy of intimacy.

If you are already over thirty, then sexual relationships may no longer be as diverse and passionate as before. After all, over the years, the external characteristics of the spouses change, and along with them, confidence in their own attractiveness and capabilities. For example, the first wrinkles appear or one of the spouses gains extra pounds. In addition, constant family worries, going to work and caring for children take away a large number of energy and time. As a result, each spouse strives to allocate time during the day for proper sleep, and not for violent intimacy.

What to do in this situation?

To begin with, each spouse must sincerely answer the question:

• does he feel comfortable with his partner?;
• Does he have disagreements and confrontations with his loved one?

If you feel general dissatisfaction with your marriage, then every effort must be made to restore lost harmony and respect. After all, feelings from sexual intimacy depend on the general state of relationships with a partner in the areas of family life.

In addition, some sexologists draw an analogy between sex and a duet of singers. So, singers can perform a lyrical piece of music in two ways - in unison or each will lead a separate part. If they perform a song together, they feel each other perfectly, as their voices take on a new sound, and this duet can also improvise wonderfully. Make every effort in your marriage to restore interpersonal relationships with your other half, and your life will be filled with new sensations and emotions.

2. Show attention.

It has been experimentally proven that spouses who show tenderness and attention to each other in everyday life do not experience problems in their intimate life. If you have lost interest in your partner, then remember the last time you visited a cinema together or had a party. romantic dinner by candlelight. After all, everyday problems can destroy even the happiest person. To rekindle the fire of passion and love, do not forget to tell your chosen one pleasant words, show signs of attention and radiate only positive energy. Come up with your own “recipes” to help restore harmony in sexual relationships.

3. Choose the right time for intimacy.

Often the quality of sexual relationships between spouses decreases due to the fatigue of one of the partners. What to do in this situation? First of all, give each other the opportunity to rest. Be sure to, together with your spouse, choose the optimal time of day and day of the week for intimate meetings. Some couples devote their weekends to sex, having previously assigned their children to their grandparents.

Other married couples, on the contrary, pay attention to each other after midnight or early in the morning, before the start of the working day. The main condition in these relationships is sincerity and a real desire to “dissolve” in each other, forgetting about everyday affairs and troubles.

4. Don't bring work problems into your home.

To relax after finishing a working day, do not take home important documents that you did not have time to fill out at your workplace, and do not schedule urgent telephone conversations. These events will steal a lot of your precious time and also charge you with negative emotions. If you urgently need to resolve any business issues, then it is best not to plan a romantic dinner or a date with your loved one that day.

5. Avoid the same scenario in intimate relationships.

Sexologists claim that married couples with “experience” fully study the intimate characteristics of their partner for a certain period of time. As a result, sexual relationships develop according to the usual scenario for partners, and lead to a loss of novelty and passion in the relationship. To avoid falling into this trap, experts recommend diversifying intimate relationships and avoiding constancy in them. Saturate every romantic evening with new sensations and bright emotions.

6. Don't focus on your own shortcomings.

Every woman must remember the golden rule that there is always a man next to her who needs to be seduced and conquered every day. At the same time, all men love a woman with their eyes. In this regard, you should not complain to your husband about the appearance of gray hair, cellulite or extra pounds. He will take this information literally, and you will not wait for a compliment: “You are the most beautiful and beautiful!” Try to pay maximum attention to your own appearance, and also play sports. Your chosen one will appreciate the desire to keep himself in shape and will give you unforgettable emotions and vibrant sexual relationships.

7. Add humor and fantasy to intimate relationships.

Sometimes the best option bring back your former passion and tenderness - laugh and give free rein to your imagination. To do this, come up with a scenario for an exciting sexual adventure with your partner, where you will play the main roles. Use revealing costumes and sexy underwear for this purpose. As a result, you will regain your lost passion and spend an unforgettable night with your loved one.

8. Use memories.

To revive vivid emotions, psychologists recommend plunging with your spouse into the world of past life memories. To do this, you and your partner can review family photos or a video archive of the most important events in your life. At this moment, fluids of tenderness and love will flow between husband and wife. Vivid memories will remind them of the most unforgettable moments of their life together and ignite the fire of new passion.

9. Learn to flirt with your own husband.

Use in relationships with your chosen one various ways flirting: tell him sweet words, smile languidly, cast loving glances, wear sexy underwear and arrange romantic dates. As a result, your intimate life will become multifaceted and sensual.

10. Talk about your own desires.

Learn to discuss with your partner your feelings and emotions received in bed. To improve the quality of intimate relationships, create the appropriate conditions: prepare your chosen one’s favorite dish, buy sexy lingerie, and also radiate positivity.

In an intimate setting, tell your partner about your desires and expectations from sex.

Thus, every married couple should remember that it is always possible to return to the former passion in an intimate relationship. To do this, you just need to blow off the dust of everyday problems and learn to enjoy life again!

What to do if there is no more tenderness in your relationship with your husband

Beigbeder wrote that love lasts three years. And scientists have proven that these three years are not love, but falling in love, and on average it lasts from one and a half to three years. What is caused chemical processes, occurring in the body in a state of love, that very “chemistry”.

And some cooling in relationships over time is normal. But all of us, and especially girls, want butterflies in our stomachs, fire in our eyes and a pleasant slight dizziness next to our loved one. In ideal reality.

In earthly reality, it most often happens like this: you have been living together for a long time, and most likely the relationship with your husband has moved from the category of candy-bouquet romance to the plane of stability, seriousness, regularity, monotony and routine.

Or maybe you are not married, but you know each other’s “every crack” so well that you can rather call yourself brother and sister, roommates, best friends, but not passionate lovers and mad lovers.

If there is no tenderness and passion in the relationship with your husband, but there is love, everything can be fixed.

7 proven ways to bring tenderness back into your marriage

Method 1: Sex. Embrace. Touch

Looking at your shared photos, creating a photo book or collage for the family, or a video from the family archive also puts you in a positive mood. Let the photos in the frames that are in the apartment make you look cheerful and happy.

P.S. If there is no tenderness in your relationship with your husband, first of all, ask yourself questions:

1. How do you talk to him? Is it kind?
2. In what voice do you answer him?
3. What are you talking about on the phone?
4. What kind of messages do you write to each other?
5. How often do you touch it? Is it kind and tender?
6. How often do you spend time together (without children, friends, relatives)?
7. Do you want to be beautiful for him?

This will help you figure out where to start working on your relationship.

Do you want tenderness in a relationship? Be gentle yourself!

The main thing is don’t expect something from a man, start acting first. Love is something that is given. And tenderness too.

If you want tenderness, hugs and kisses from your husband, not only when leaving and coming from work, but always, care - be kind, start doing it yourself.

And of course, all these methods are good, but maintaining the fire of feelings is not a one-time thing, but a daily and labor-intensive job. You need to remember this.

And in order to have something to give, replenish your energy reserves, develop yourself (after all, an exhausted, tired woman is unlikely to be able to receive and show tenderness), take care of yourself.

You can learn more about relationships and how to become a desirable woman for a man, to whom you want to give tenderness, gifts and love, on my page.

Question to a psychologist

Good day! I never thought that I would need help, but I can’t solve the problem myself. My husband and I were married for a long time without children. They loved each other very much and were happy. When I became pregnant, happiness knew no bounds! The pregnancy went well, absolutely without problems, although I am well over 30. But after the birth of the child, everything changed a lot. My husband has become rude to me, freaks out, often screams, and is extremely unrestrained. I thought it was all about my appearance, I took care of myself, lost 25 kg in 4 months. Returned to work after 2 months. I look good, even better than before pregnancy. I’m already trying to bake something and cook something delicious at home (although I’ve never done this before). The child is well-groomed, does not yell, the husband happily communicates with the child. He sleeps in the next room, gets enough sleep, I am constantly on “night watch”. I’m already trying my best, and the relationship is getting worse and worse. This is not the same man I married. Most likely it's just me. I don't know what else to do. Please tell me how can I get our relationship back?

Hello, Anastasia! But can you alone restore the relationship? NO - it takes TWO for a relationship! Your desire alone is not enough, you are trying to change yourself - your appearance, go to work, cook something - but does he need this? is he missing THIS? no - you don’t know what’s happening to him and the reason for his condition is far from being in you - but in himself. Talk to him, voice your feelings, what the relationship is coming to, what will happen next with the relationship if nothing changes - does he want this? are you ready to change something? understand the problem as a whole? Because if he is NOT ready to either acknowledge the problem or work, then you alone will not fix anything! Is it important for you to hear from your spouse what motivates THEM? What is HE experiencing?

Anastasia, if you really decide to figure out what’s going on, feel free to contact me - call me - I’ll be glad to help you!

Shenderova Elena Sergeevna, psychologist Moscow

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Anastasia, both partners participate in creating relationships, the percentage is 50 to 50.
Therefore, it is advisable to realize that only 50 percent of how your relationship will develop can depend on you.
It is impossible to change your husband from the outside, without his desire, but you can try to negotiate and find a compromise - that is, decide conflict situation through mutual concessions, and to improve mutual understanding, try to talk with him about your feelings and desires in the “I - messages” format.
Read about how this is done here:
http://psiholog-dnepr.com.ua/for-the-family/school-partnership/message

If you have already tried this option (and for this you may need the help of a family psychologist), you are left with the following choice:
- let it be as it is;
- change the circumstances in which the problem arose;
- change your attitude towards circumstances, i.e. - accept them as:
- necessary given;
- as a lesson that needs to be taken and learned;
- as a catalyst for intrapersonal resources and opportunities;
- as something positive, which is contained in what is still perceived as negative;
- or change something about yourself.
In particular, defend your rights, which will help you achieve what you want.
Read about it here:
http://psiholog-dnepr.com.ua/be-your-own-therapist/diary-confidence

And treat yourself with love and care.
And for this, it is advisable to listen to yourself - to your feelings, thoughts, desires and realize - what you want for yourself - for your body, appearance, health, for your activities, career, finances, for your contacts - with yourself and others, for relationships with the opposite sex, for communicating with your family, friends and relatives, for your plans, goals, meanings, faith, etc.

And achieve what you want.

Good luck and all the best to you.

Sincerely, Svetlana Kiselevskaya, psychologist, master's degree.

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Good day!

It is possible that you devote too much time to the child, your husband feels outside your coalition and is trying to restore his status through rude behavior. Why do you sleep in different rooms? The husband does not need constant night fasting at all; he needs a full-fledged marital relationship, and not just sex, but simply attention and equality of your positions.

From what you described, you are all so positive, from all sides. But here there is no real you at all, this is only a functionality, a role. Perhaps your husband doesn’t see you behind this façade either. You need to show your real desires, but in constant adjustment and pleasing you lose yourself and become uninteresting.

Alla Chugueva, systemic family psychotherapist, Moscow or skype.

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Hello, Anastasia! How long can you hold out in such a tough regime - everything is for your husband, as long as he is satisfied. Where are you? What are you doing for yourself? It looks like you are losing the value of yourself. Remember - on an airplane, when a flight attendant explains how to use an oxygen mask, she says that you first need to put it on yourself, and then on a child or someone else nearby. You do the opposite - take care of others first, and then take care of yourself. So you may not have enough strength to survive. A child is the responsibility of two, not one.

Isaeva Irina, psychologist Moscow

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Hello, Anastasia! The thing is that you have been married for a long time without children. Your husband was your son, your husband, and your father. For him, you were both a mother, a beloved, and a daughter... Now the situation has changed radically. Your relationship has become different. It is easier for you to rebuild because the restructuring coincides with your development as a woman. You were loved, now you have become a mother and are mastering a new role. It’s more difficult for a husband; the role of a father is not as natural as the role of a mother. Now we need to gently correct the situation. Simply by accepting his difficulties and showing sensitivity, understanding and love. The situation cannot be changed, but we must try to mitigate the consequences of the changes. Try to trust your husband to take care of the child more. Encourage him to show his fatherly feelings. Don't show off your new role too much. Remember that you are loved and very dependent on him. You need his love, and he really needs yours. Sometimes

Hello. Anastasia. You are making a completely erroneous conclusion. The point is in him. in his selfishness and childish dislike for his mother. When you did not have a child, you gave him all your warmth and replaced his mother. The child upset his love balance. Now your husband can unconsciously jealous of the child, and that’s why he doesn’t like you. You seemed to betray him, but promised to love him. He felt a repetition of the childhood trauma of his mother’s neglect of him. This is purely his problem of inability to become an adult. He wants to be your first child, and so that you and him they gave you a pacifier. Stop torturing yourself, but appreciate it and become determined against his gross ingratitude towards you. And the more confident you are in yourself, the better your relationship will become. But now you will have to fight this difficulty for a long time.

Karataev Vladimir Ivanovich, psychologist of the Volgograd psychoanalytic school

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How to improve your relationship with your husband? Despite the global nature of this issue, I believe that there are recommendations that help improve relationships in any couple, regardless of age, level of problem and amount of time lived together. And even if it seems to you that the relationship is already on the brink, I am convinced that there are ways to restore it and make it much better, warmer, closer, happier than it ever was.

In this article I want to draw your attention to the subtleties of the relationship between a man and a woman that you did not know or did not pay enough attention to. But you won't get the desired effect from the recommendations you follow if you don't feel what you're saying. Words, actions and the desire to improve relationships must be sincere, and the attitude towards a man must be respectful. This is the only way you will succeed.

How to improve your relationship with your husband - 5 simple steps

I present to you five simple steps on how to improve your relationship with your husband.

Step #1: Find out from yourself what exactly you don’t like

Take a piece of paper and a pen. First, you need to find out from yourself what exactly doesn’t suit you in your current relationship, and what needs to change for you to say that now everything is as it should be. This will give you a clear understanding of how to improve your relationship. To do this, ask yourself two simple questions and answer them honestly:

• Who am I in this relationship?
• What role do I play in them?

These two questions will help you understand whether you have love or emotional dependence, and whether your relationship is healthy. If you hear an answer from yourself, for example: “a victim” or “a woman who wants to be loved,” you are probably in a dependent relationship. You can read how to get out of the victim role in this.

Possible options There may be many answers to these questions, so try to analyze them yourself. What are you doing that has shaped you into this role in your relationship? If you didn’t like your answer, what do you think needs to be done to get out of this role now?

Now let’s continue to find out what your personal dissatisfaction in the relationship is. Let's move on to questions about values. Ask yourself right now and write down detailed answers:

• Why do I need this relationship?
• What are they giving me?
• What is so important to me in this relationship?
• What's good about them?
• What values ​​do I want to realize through my partner?
• Am I succeeding in realizing these values?
• Which of my values ​​are not being realized in my relationship at the moment?

Your values ​​in a relationship could be, for example, the following: to feel happy, to communicate on deep topics. Friendship, respect, understanding, care, security, money, etc.

As a rule, people enter into relationships in order for someone to realize their values ​​and fill the “emptiness”. If your partner is not able to implement them, then only dependent relationships await you. And if you already for a long time If you are in a relationship, then, most likely, the discord occurred because some of your values ​​were realized before, but now for some reason they have stopped. In other words, you stopped getting from the relationship what you used to get. Write down which of your values ​​have been embodied in relationships before, but are not being embodied now.

This was the first step in which we found out what, at a deep level, caused the discord in the relationship for you. Now let's move on to how the partner feels.

Step #2: How to find out what doesn’t suit him

At the initial stage of a relationship, a person falls in love with you if you coincide with his values ​​and are ready to satisfy most of them. For example, you both want to live in your own house, not in an apartment. Both want to have two children, not eight. Both love dogs more than cats. Both want long lasting Serious relationships, not a short sexual adventure. If your values ​​don't match by at least 60%, your relationship is unlikely to last long. But if you have been living together for more than three years, it means that you can overcome any discord.

So, how do you find out what exactly at the level of values ​​no longer satisfies your partner?

The first thing you need to do is mentally put yourself in his place. This way you can understand what he expects from you. What exactly could be a solution to the problem for him.

It is impossible to mentally step into his place if you have aggression towards him. First you need to calm down. How to get rid of aggression, read this.

So, get into his position, into his position. And think with his thoughts: “What do I need her to do to make me want to change the situation for the better? What values ​​of mine are not realized in relationships? What am I missing? How can you motivate me to make me madly want to improve my relationship?” Look at the situation through his eyes.

There are two types of motivation – “motivation from” and “motivation for”. For example, you can motivate a man to do something by threatening him with a lack of sex (motivation from) or vice versa, by doing something that he would be incredibly happy about (motivation for). In a relationship with a man, try to always choose the second type of motivation. Each favorable outcome of such motivation will strengthen your union and bring you closer.

So, you have stepped into your partner's shoes and understood what he needs. Which of his values ​​do you realize and which do you not? And they found out what needed to be done to make him madly want to make peace. Write it all down.

Step #3: How to improve your relationship with your husband – a proper quarrel

Now you clearly know what exactly does not satisfy you in your current relationship, and you assume that it does not satisfy your husband. You also realize what might motivate him to reconcile.

Let's move on to how to restore the relationship, knowing all this. The first step you must take is to have a proper fight. A proper quarrel always means growth and development in a relationship. It excludes the so-called you-messages (reproaches, dissatisfaction, complaints), and instead is filled exclusively with I-messages (expressing your needs and desires). Here are examples of you messages: “You always come late,” “You never wash the dishes after yourself,” “You never understood me.” Quarrels filled with such messages have no effect. They only alienate you from each other, creating a cold atmosphere of disharmony and rejection in the house.

You messages are a transfer of responsibility from oneself to another. In order to quarrel correctly, constructively, you need to learn to take responsibility.

Examples of I-messages: “I don’t like that you come home late. This makes me sad. I would like you to come on time, it will make me happy.”

“I’m upset that you don’t wash the dishes after yourself. This upsets me. It would be wonderful if you washed it next time. I will be very happy about this."

“When I see that you do not understand me, I am upset. It pains me to realize that you do not strive to do this. Please listen to me more carefully. And I, in turn, will try to convey my thoughts more clearly. I will be happy if you listen and understand me.”

The main difference between “you” and “I” messages is that in the first case you completely relieve yourself of responsibility and shift it to the interlocutor, and in the second you express your dissatisfaction, while leaving the focus on yourself. The I-message algorithm is as follows:

1. You express the essence of your indignation without judgment, without emotion.
2. Describe your feelings and emotions caused by this situation
3. Express your wishes by suggesting possible alternative options for your partner’s behavior that would suit you

When describing your wishes, you can also add feelings and emotions to them. “I will be glad if”, “I will be so grateful to you”, “I will be happy.”

This way you can always communicate in the language of I-messages. Such communication will make your relationship harmonious. A proper quarrel always leads to rapprochement and development of relationships. Partners learn to listen to each other and implement what the other needs.

And don't forget about sincerity! If you don't feel what you're saying, it won't work.

As a psychologist, during my practice I realized that the basis of any happy relationship is, first of all, a happy relationship with yourself. We are always in a relationship with a partner in the place that we assign to ourselves. And in order for you to build a relationship filled with love and respect, first you need to learn to love and respect yourself. In order for you to succeed, I have been collecting tasks and exercises aimed at self-love for several months and collected them in a single book, “How to Love Yourself.” You can purchase it using this link at a symbolic cost of 99 rubles. This book consists entirely of practical tasks and exercises, by doing which you can increase your self-esteem, become more confident and learn to love yourself.

Step #4: Dealing with the Depths of a Protracted Argument

At the beginning of the article, we talked about values ​​– yours and your partner’s. Now let's move on to action. Step four is a frank conversation. Have a serious conversation with your partner. You can tell him what work you've done in thinking about his and your values ​​in the relationship. Talk through I-messages which of your values ​​are being realized in the relationship and which are no longer being fulfilled. And why would you want them back so much? Express your wishes and suggest alternative options for your partner’s behavior. Do this calmly and carefully, without shifting responsibility to him.

Then move on to his values. Ask if you guessed correctly? Or maybe he wants something completely different from a relationship? Invite him to speak out the same way you did. Let your partner talk about himself, his feelings and emotions, without shifting everything onto you. Try to explain to him how it works. Ideally, let him read this article.

Now slowly begin to understand each other more deeply. Talking about values ​​will give you an understanding of what is really causing the rift in the relationship. Fighting on a deeper level than yelling over unwashed dishes and poorly prepared dinner will bring you closer and understand what you both want from each other. You will also understand how you both can give it to each other. One such fruitful quarrel will save you several years of misunderstandings. And perhaps on the same day it will give a new beginning to your relationship.

Step #5: New Relationships

Start building relationships in a new way. Introduce the right fights into them. Remove you messages from your life that lead to the collapse of any relationship. Every time you are not satisfied with something, remember the I-message formula: “Situation-feelings-wishes.” Use it constantly. Very soon it will become automatic in you, and then it will safely drop to the level of the subconscious, and you will quarrel like this forever, without prompting.

Even if your husband is not in the mood for this kind of communication, he will unnoticeably become your reflection. It is impossible for a calm person who takes responsibility for his values ​​to respond with rudeness. If not quickly, then gradually he will move to your level of communication. You will talk like adults, instead of throwing you-messages, throwing them to each other like hot cakes.

After you improve your relationship with your husband, I recommend that you read articles about and about. With their help, you will be able to establish balance in the family and learn how to build mature, harmonious, respectful and, most importantly, long-term relationships.

Everything sounds great, but...

Relationships between people are shaped by their beliefs, life experiences, conditions and circumstances of their past, and mostly unconsciously. Therefore, you will not be able to objectively look at the situation between you and your husband on your own; for this, as a rule, you need a specialist.

I am a psychologist and provide consultations via Skype. Together with you in consultation, we will be able to understand what formed the relationship you have now, and how this can be changed. you can find more information to get to know me better.

in contact with, instagram or . You can get acquainted with the cost of services and the work scheme. You can read or leave reviews about me and my work.

Conclusion

Congratulations, now you know much better how to improve your relationship with your husband. Any relationship can be made happy if you go to the depths. Let me briefly remind you of the 5 steps to restore warm, respectful relationships:

Step one. Learn about your own values. Having understood why you entered into a relationship, you will be able to remember which of your values ​​were realized at the very beginning and which of them were no longer fulfilled. This way you will understand what doesn’t suit you at a deep level.

Step two. Put yourself in his shoes and think his thoughts. Ask yourself the same questions about values ​​that you asked yourself in the first step.

Step three. Learn to quarrel correctly without shifting responsibility to your partner. Express your wishes and offer an alternative. And don't forget about feelings.

Step four. Talk about values ​​using the I-message technique. Reach your depths and his. Make a decision to satisfy each other's values.

Step five. Start a new relationship where you both take responsibility. Even if only you do this, over time your husband will move to your level. After all, we are all reflections of each other.

And don't forget to download my book How to Love Yourself. You can download it from this link at a symbolic price of 99 rubles. In it, I share the most effective techniques with which I once became confident and learned to love myself. This book will be an excellent assistant on the path to improving your relationship with your husband, and will also make your life happier! After all, a favorable solution to any life problem begins with self-love.

I am a psychologist, and the area of ​​relationships is one of the key ones in my work. You can contact me for psychological counseling. With a specialist, you will get a solution to the problem much faster, I will help you improve your relationship with your husband and take it to a new level, as well as understand yourself and your relationships, understand the causes of problems and get rid of them, become happy and a harmonious person.

You can make an appointment with me for a consultation through in contact with, instagram or . You can get acquainted with the cost of services and the work scheme. You can read and leave reviews about me and my work.

Subscribe to my Instagram And YouTube channel. Improve and develop yourself with me!

Have a wonderful start to your new relationship!
Your psychologist Lara Litvinova