More often modern women are faced with a situation where their husband does not want to work.

This suits some people, and such ladies themselves are happy to provide for their family. Others, on the contrary, are dissatisfied with this position of the spouse.

Wives try by any means to force their husband to earn money, insult him and threaten him with divorce. Is it worth taking such measures?

How to do the right thing and what to do when your loved one doesn’t want to work, the advice of a psychologist will tell you.

Why don't men want to work?

If your man does not work and does not intend to do so in the future, perhaps he belongs to one of the proposed types of representatives of the stronger sex:

• Sissy.
• Narcissistic narcissist.
• Slow-witted.
• Misanthrope.
• Melancholic.

Each group of men has their own reasons and excuses for not doing anything. And if a woman in one of them found signs of her own husband’s behavior, she should act in accordance with the advice of a psychologist.

1. If your husband turns out to be a “mama’s boy”

Then you should know that next to you there is a weak-willed man who does not want to be responsible for the well-being of the family. Such a man with early childhood He’s used to everyone taking care of him and doing all the work for him.

The spouse will always be satisfied with a well-earning wife who does not nag him for idleness. The excessive love of his parents cemented in him the belief that he was not obligated to do anything to solve pressing problems.

Mama's boy believes that everything that happens around him does not concern him. And if difficulties arise financially, the wife must solve them.

It is quite difficult to correct such a man, because his position has been formed since childhood. But if you still decide to influence him, listen to the following advice from a psychologist:

1. Emphasize the importance of your husband more often, say how reliable he is and how good it is that you can count on him in difficult situations.
2. Periodically, sadly remind him that if he worked, your family would have many more opportunities.
3. Under no circumstances should you insult your spouse. This will cause him to protest, and out of spite he will not do anything.

If a “mama’s boy” man really loves and appreciates you, your actions will awaken the earner in him, and he will soon start looking for a profitable place.

2. It will be more difficult with a narcissist.

Such a man has extremely high self-esteem. He considers himself a very valuable and intelligent worker who can only occupy leadership positions. But his superpowers are often just words.

Basically, narcissists not only overestimate their capabilities, but are generally unable to do quality work. In any business they look for shortcomings, explaining their failures with them. Therefore, such men can often be seen on the couch, waiting for a lucrative offer to find them.

It would seem that the situation is hopeless, and the wife will not be able to get the “narcissist” to work. But the psychologist’s advice gives her a chance to change her husband’s beliefs.

To do this, you will have to learn to limit your husband in the pleasures obtained through material wealth. Tell him that you are having problems at work and your salary will be lower than usual for a while.

Due to this, the purchase is cancelled. new clothes, delicious lunches and beer on weekends. A man in love with himself will not be able to refuse these pleasant things, and will think about finding his own income.

3. If your husband turns out to be “slow-witted”

Then you have to be patient and direct your energy to intensify his actions.

The fact is that a slow man will take a long time to decide which job to choose and whether it is worth taking the offered position. Often such thoughts lead to wasting time and hiring a completely different person.

In such a situation, you must do everything to push your loved one to make a quick decision.

• Describe to him all the advantages of the proposed job.
• Tell him that he is a wonderful specialist, and it’s time to realize himself.
• Make plans for the future, taking into account that your husband will work in the proposed place.

Your actions will push your spouse to make an important decision.

4. For a misanthropic man, the reason for his reluctance to work lies much deeper

It’s not the work itself that scares him, but the need to communicate with people. This type of man experiences certain difficulties in a team. It is not easy for him to carry on everyday conversations, take part in discussions, or defend his opinion.

Misanthropes are usually not liked in groups, without understanding their true feelings and intentions. Suspicion and recluse lead to the fact that they have to leave their position without explaining the reasons for their action.

If the husband does not want to work due to his isolation, the wife can look for alternative work options for him. Today, more and more companies operate on the principle of remote work.

In this case, your husband will not have to be in the team all day, he will workplace will be at home. This can be mental work performed on a computer, as well as physical or creative activity, the result of which can be various useful things.

5. Melancholic husband

This type is so sensitive that previous failures at work can completely discourage him from doing anything. for a long time. Sometimes such men even resort to the help of a psychologist. But their beloved spouse can make them believe in themselves again.

To do this, you must surround your husband with care and affection. You also need to raise his self-esteem.

• Praise your spouse for every reason.
• Admire his decisions.
• And don’t scold for minor mistakes.

By believing in himself, he will be able to find a job much better than the one he previously lost.

If your spouse belongs to one of the proposed types of men, try to strictly follow the psychologist’s advice. By following these recommendations, you will soon notice changes in your husband's behavior.

At the same time, do not rush and do not reproach your loved one. The result of your efforts will be a decent workplace for him and well-being in family relationships. Author: Vera Drobnaya

The desire for equality has played a cruel joke on the weaker sex. Along with what they wanted, women also received the burden of pampered men, trying to avoid the burden of problems associated with the financial support of the family.

Moreover, young people are not embarrassed by this state of affairs, even if the wife is on maternity leave or simply earns little. In a difficult situation in the family, when the husband does not work, the advice of a psychologist will help sort everything out and contribute to the division of responsibility for the well-being of the family at least equally among all its members.

Justification can be found for everything, including a man’s reluctance to work and support his own family. Psychologists have identified a separate list of reasons explaining this behavior of representatives of the stronger sex. Or rather, these are not even reasons, but types of men who have these characteristics:

• gigolo or narcissistic egoist. A person who is accustomed to living only by his own desires and interests and does not try to adapt to the rhythm of life that does not correspond to his ideas;
• mother's boy. Everything is clear here, based on the name of the type. An over-aged child, spoiled by excessive parental care and care, completely unadapted to the realities of life and unwilling to take on any obligations to support anyone, including himself;
• sloth. Such a man is characterized by laziness by nature, the habit of living at the expense of others, not bothering himself with worries about his daily bread;
• unsociable or misanthrope. The main problem of this representative of the stronger sex is the reluctance to communicate with other people, regardless of the topic of conversation - work, personal - he is not at all interested in. Comfortable young man only on your own territory, where you do not need to contact your work colleagues;
• melancholic. Very susceptible to criticism. The slightest failure or trouble can permanently discourage the desire to work anywhere. Constantly in a state of fear for any reason.

If a woman sees any of the above signs in her husband’s behavior, then the right decision would be to contact a psychologist specializing in problems of this kind.

It is unlikely that you will be able to resolve the situation on your own; often the root of evil lies quite deep and it is better to get professional help than to test your nervous system’s strength.

What not to do if your husband is a parasite

Depending on what psychotype the slacker spouse belongs to, intra-family relationships will develop aimed at restoring justice - the parasite will turn into a hard worker and breadwinner.

When dealing with a mama's boy, psychologists advise the wife to be patient - after all, such a man's behavior has been ingrained in him since childhood, and it will take time to change the situation exactly the opposite. So, recommendations from specialists for women in a situation where the husband does not want to work:

• Never, under any circumstances, demand anything from a man, especially in a raised voice. The opposite effect will work - as a sign of protest, he will flatly refuse to fulfill the request;
• constantly praise even the slightest achievement at work, emphasizing the importance of his salary for the family budget;
• from time to time, with a hint of regret in his voice, say that if the husband worked, then he could be allowed to go on vacation somewhere or plan a major purchase for the house. Hint that in this case there would be more opportunities to fulfill the wishes of all family members.

With a certain persistence and sincere, tender feelings of the spouses towards each other, the result will not be long in coming. A man can become not a nominal, but an actual head of the family.

You will have to deal with a selfish husband using slightly different methods. Since this type is not used to denying himself anything, the best way will reduce his maintenance, justifying this by the fact that his salary has been cut, and it will not be enough even for the most necessary things.

It is unlikely that a spoiled male will want to deprive himself of his usual pleasures. Most likely, this will lead to the fact that he will force himself, his beloved, to go to work in order to return to his previous, comfortable standard of living. For a man for whom it is problematic to be in the office, communicate with colleagues, or build working relationships in direct contact with other people, freelancing will be an excellent way out of this situation.

Remote work will help solve financial issues related to supporting the family and remain in demand as a specialist. A person whose behavior contains obvious signs, characteristic of a melancholic person, long-term help is required, based on constant praise of his achievements and decisions.

Under no circumstances should an ounce of criticism or dissatisfaction be allowed towards him. Otherwise, everything will return to normal and you will have to start the rehabilitation process all over again.

What to do right

Women are patient and compassionate people. They shoulder unbearable burdens and worries about the family, just so that all household members have enough food, warmth, and comfort.

There are men who are quite satisfied with the current situation, and they do not intend to change it. But the moment of insight still comes, and the wife understands that she cannot continue like this. To begin with, the woman tries to gently persuade her husband to stop messing around and get a job.

Moreover, she often looks for suitable vacancies herself, writes a resume and sends it to potential employers, without hesitation even in accompanying her boyfriend to interviews. In rare cases, this tactic works, and the man becomes the main breadwinner in the family, allowing the fragile woman to return to her original duties as a homemaker.

But, as practice shows, this does not always happen, and here practical recommendations are required to achieve the desired results in changing the psychology in the minds of the stronger sex.

In this video, a psychologist will tell you how to get your husband to work:

Having listened to the advice of a specialist, a woman is able, due to her sincere feelings for her husband, to cope with the problem that has arisen without throwing him constant hysterics. A loving wife will be able to arrange things in such a way that the man will think that he himself, well done, got out of a series of failures without outside help. This approach to an unhealthy situation in the family and ways to solve it will be the most correct. What do you think?

The spouse's lack of work and regular stay at home are common causes of discord in the family, invariably leading to divorce. In the current situation, the wife is in an unenviable position, who not only needs to take care of children, cook food, clean up the apartment and wash dirty things, but also support the family. In some love unions, there is a shift in responsibilities, but such circumstances suit both spouses.

In marriages where everything is placed on the fragile women's shoulders, after a short period of time, discord inevitably appears. The chosen one asks pressing questions: What to do if the husband does not want to work? How to change your spouse's worldview? In what ways can you influence your husband? Where is the reason for this behavior hidden?

A woman who is in a long-term relationship with a man has the right to establish certain obligations and rules in the family.

A guy must not only pay attention to his wife, but also support his family, strive to improve living conditions, improve his own skills, etc.

Prerequisites for a man to avoid work

To solve the problem by changing the usual course of events, it is important to correctly diagnose the reasons that influence a man’s behavior:

• The partner considers himself a genius who is not recognized by society. Working in an ordinary job that involves physical activity is the job of people lacking in intelligence, but he was born to perform actions on a global scale. But the guy hasn’t had a chance to show his own skills and talents for a long period of time.
• The man belongs to the category of lazy people for whom the thought of work is purely disgusting. The favorite pastime of such a character is to enjoy life, spending everyday life on the couch or with friends who share his interests and hobbies. The guy’s worldview has slowly developed over a long time, so even a professional psychologist will not be able to change the foundations of his chosen one overnight.
• Having lost his job or his own business, a partner experiences anxiety that prevents him from getting a well-paid position. Problems with his chosen one and lack of funds to support his family are of little interest to a man, because he is in a depressed state.
• The guy cannot find a job that matches his skills and knowledge that he received in a specialized educational institution. The lack of demand in the labor market and the unstable economic situation in the country are the main reasons why a man’s specialty has ceased to be in demand among employers.

No need to wait for the moment when. If, then do not set out to change a man. Otherwise, believe in a positive outcome of events, making every effort to achieve this.

At the genetic level, men are built to care for loved ones, so maintaining a family and helping parents are generally accepted phenomena recognized by society

Classification of parasites and lazy people

Having become familiar with the prerequisites that directly affect your spouse’s worldview, you still won’t be able to go to work. The reason may be hidden in the complex of personal qualities of the chosen one. Traditionally, the types of guys who do not want to work are classified into the following categories:

"Sissy"

“” are weak-willed men who are accustomed to female dominance in the family. This type of relationship has been formed in the guy’s mind for a long time, so he sincerely considers this model of communication to be the norm.

"Narcissus"

Chosen ones with high self-esteem, which affects the attitude of employers and colleagues towards a man. Such guys do not get along in the team, they are fired without explanation. Only the result remains unchanged - the environment, not the man, is to blame for the events that occurred.

"Misanthrope"

Such guys have developed apathy towards people since childhood, so he does not seek communication with strangers, turning to raised voices and insults. In the 21st century, where the engine of trade is the ability to convince an interested client of the relevance of the purchase, it is extremely difficult for such a man to find a job. Seniority The guy’s job ends on the first day in a new place, during which he will invariably quarrel with the customer who contacted the company.

"Melancholic"

“” - vulnerable men who have difficulty coping with dismissal from their previous job. If you live with a spouse who has similar traits, then it will be difficult to find labor activity will accompany you regularly throughout your life together.

"Gigolo"

Only a wealthy woman who is able to support not only herself, but also young husband. The husband prefers not to spend money on his wife, but on the contrary, he is looking for an excuse to replenish his personal savings by using the “wallet” of his wealthy chosen one.

"Kopusha"

Such men regularly promise their wife that they will go to work tomorrow. However, once again the future boss refuses employment, guided by the applicant’s lack of sufficient desire. The guy is constantly in search of a new position, which must invariably satisfy the needs of a representative of the stronger half of humanity.

"Unlucky Man"

Among the variety of lazy people and parasites, there is a category of men who are simply unlucky. Due to an absurd set of circumstances, they are unable to find a high-paying job. The guys regularly attend interviews, proving their worth to the boss, but once again luck turns its back on the applicant.

Options for solving an established problem

Only after a thorough study of the issue can you begin to search for options for solving an established problem, guided by the following recommendations:

• Find a time and place for a serious conversation with your husband, during which he should understand the scope of your intentions. If the wife, dissatisfied with the course of events, does not inform her husband in an accessible way own vision of the situation, then it will not be possible to save the marriage. A man must realize this truth in order to project possible risks.
• Support your husband in his endeavors by providing moral assistance and extending a helping hand to your chosen one. If the problem is solely in your spouse’s uncertainty and indecisiveness, then help him rediscover the joys of self-sufficiency. In rare cases, it is recommended to start looking for a job instead of your husband, sending your lover’s resume to the email addresses of companies. When the company's management becomes interested in a man's candidacy, inform him about this vacancy - let this victory be his first step towards success.
• Jointly visit a practicing psychologist who will contact your chosen one after finding out real reasons unwillingness to work. Having diagnosed your spouse, a professional will help you find a way out of the current situation by scheduling additional sessions or immediately offering various options for solving the problem.
• Leave family life unchanged, not interested in the man’s earnings. Spend money exclusively on your own needs, providing for your children and buying food for your home. The spouse’s ego will not allow him to enjoy the food intended for the child, and other needs (leisure, hobbies, etc.) will force him to go in search of work.
• Give your husband an ultimatum - either he goes to work and supports his family, or he moves to another apartment, satisfying his own needs on his own. After a serious conversation, give your spouse a short period of time to think. Get ready for various options developments - it is possible that the man will decide to leave the family.

When choosing a method, it is important to remember that it is necessary only with the help of significant motivating factors - the child’s studies, treatment of the spouse or help to the parents.

In this situation, the girl must clearly decide for herself whether she wants to reanimate her fading feelings or will use a weighty argument by breaking up with her lazy chosen one.

The result of the work of the psychologist and the efforts of the wife is an employed spouse who develops an interest in life. By following simple advice, you can have a full-fledged family without depriving your children of their own father.

Not so long ago, no one would have refuted the fact that the main breadwinner in a family is a man. A woman is responsible for raising children, creating family happiness and home comfort. However, over the past hundred years everything has changed radically. A woman is no longer a defenseless princess who needs to be rescued from a tower, and most men no longer like the role of a brave knight. In modern families, spouses are increasingly changing roles. But is it normal for a wife to become the breadwinner and the husband to become a dependent? Psychologists will answer this question categorically – “no!”

Husband doesn't want to work - reasons

Feminist ideology has in some way influenced representatives of the stronger sex. There are many reasons why a husband does not want to work and earn money, but the main one lies in the women themselves. Now, when they boldly pick up a hammer and ardor, get behind the wheel of a car and occupy leadership positions, men have relaxed and thrown off the “burden” of the hero from their shoulders. After all, it’s really not easy to solve all the problems yourself, and if there is an opportunity to divide the responsibility in half, then why not?

It all started with the fact that a woman gained independence and began to work equally with a man. Investing together in the family is considered the norm for many modern couples. Husband and wife not only jointly form the family budget, but also equally share household chores. However, on the basis of such a model, another, unnatural and absurd one can be formed: the wife goes to work, and the husband sits at home. At best, he will make her coffee in the morning and help with cleaning and cooking. At worst, he may become an alcoholic.

What do men themselves think about this? When asked why you are not working, each of them will come up with a bunch of excuses and sob stories. For example: he no longer has the strength to work for his uncle, his work and talents are not appreciated anywhere, he is unlucky, everyone is trying to survive him, and the like. If a man does not work for a long time, this becomes a serious problem not only for the family, but also for himself. After all, indulging in boredom and idleness is unnatural for a person, especially for a representative of the stronger sex.

Male householders - classification

According to psychologists, there are five main types of men who do not want to work.

1. Misanthrope

What prevents people prone to misanthropy from getting a job is not banal laziness, but hatred of society as a whole. Such men try to reduce contact with others to a minimum. They do not want to communicate, argue, or prove that they are right. But no team can do without this.

It happens that misanthropes initially look for a suitable job, but cannot get along with their colleagues anywhere, so, ultimately, they give up everything and sit at home. If your husband belongs to this psychotype, you can try an alternative option, for example, remote work on the Internet. This will save him from traumatic situations associated with personal communication.

2. Melancholic romantic

There is a category of men who perceive any failures and troubles very painfully. They are overly sensitive and vulnerable, prone to hysterics and panic. If the experience at the first job was unsuccessful, it leaves a deep imprint on their soul and discourages any desire to look for a new job.

Typically, such men are endowed with feminine character traits, so their spouses will have to show patience and perseverance. Melancholic people often choose as their companions strong women to have someone to lean on. If a woman is satisfied with the role of a comforting heroine, you can try to help her husband overcome his self-doubt. But this cannot be done without the help of professional psychologists.

3. The pampered narcissist

This psychotype of men includes handsome egoists with high self-esteem who are used to living only for themselves. Most of them grew up in rich families where children are handed everything on a silver platter. Such men are not used to climbing through thorns to the stars, much less providing for someone else.

Many narcissists are not stupid or untalented, they are simply lazy. They consider themselves very smart and gifted, but they wait for the right moment when their talents will finally be appreciated. They can feed their women for a long time with fabulous promises, but they will never go to unload wagons to feed their family. After all, this is beneath their dignity.

4. Slow (slow-witted)

There are men who simply think for too long about what job they should take, what business is best to do. They lack decisiveness and perhaps even risk-taking. They constantly doubt whether this or that enterprise will be profitable, whether the salary will be high enough, etc. etc. As a result, such a man remains unemployed for a long time, while a more agile and sociable man would have already gotten a job.

5. Mama's boy

One can sincerely sympathize with the wives of men of this type, because, in fact, they are not capable of being real breadwinners. During the process of growing up, the “mama’s boy” did not develop a solid inner core. He is not used to taking responsibility, solving problems and helping others. His parents did everything for him. Usually such men, if they work, do so little, so as not to overwork. And if they have financial difficulties, they immediately run to their father or mother, and they willingly help them out.

Raising a man from a mother's son is extremely difficult, if not impossible. He is sure that all troubles will be resolved without his efforts, so what’s the point of straining?

My husband doesn’t want to work – what should I do?

Psychologists say that it will not be possible to force a husband to work with reproaches, screams and hysterics. If a woman cares about her slacker husband, she should try to awaken the breadwinner in him by the following actions:

• raise a man’s self-esteem - praise, encourage, believe in him;
• do not accuse of worthlessness and uselessness, but do not feel sorry either;
• do not hesitate to ask friends and relatives for assistance in finding a job;
• limit him in all material goods, excluding the most necessary (no beer, meetings with friends, fashionable clothes and everything that you can do without!);
• do not be afraid to calmly but firmly state the poverty of the family budget and the need to save on everything;
• say that your salary has been cut, do not say the true amount of your earnings;
• if the husband does not want to take responsibility for the family, try to shift some of the responsibilities onto him against his will (this can be done quietly, instilling in him how strong and capable he is, just as his wife hopes for him).

If the wife has used all these methods, but the husband does not react in any way and continues to lie apathetically on the couch, you need to think about whether it is worth maintaining a family union with such a person. Perhaps he just likes to sit on a woman's neck and doesn't want to change anything. It is impossible to create a normal future with such men.

“My husband stopped going to work,” the sad woman pronounces this phrase doomedly. And we are not talking about a person who lost his job as a result of a financial crisis or poor health. How to help a man get out of this state and is it possible to see in advance a tendency towards parasitism in the chosen one?

Is this treatable?

In one family, a young pianist husband worked part-time in a restaurant in the evenings, but he was tired of this occupation, and he announced to his wife that he no longer wanted to play for “chewing moneybags”, and that he would not exchange for another job, because he was going to prepare for a competition named after P.I. Tchaikovsky; The competition will take place in 4 years. As a result, the wife became the breadwinner, and the husband calmly picks up the child from kindergarten, spends evenings with him, does not do anything that he considers beneath his dignity, does not earn money, but does not suffer from the lack of it. In another situation, a man admits that he is “tired” of work; he also sits at home and happily helps the nanny with the children, cooks dinner for his wife, and cleans the apartment. Despite the fact that he used to devote himself to work with rapture, he is currently very happy with the state of things. He believes that he is doing “real things and living real life" True, for some reason he began to actively notice his wife’s shortcomings - he either blames her for being a bad mother and doesn’t spend enough time with the children, or she doesn’t take care of the house the way he wanted - she doesn’t cook food, doesn’t wash the floors.

Can a “normal” man not want to work? Isn't conscious withdrawal into family life and household a sign of some hidden problems?

Alexander KOLMANOVSKY, psychologist, Head of the center for socio-psychological rehabilitation “Our Life”:

A man’s desire to stay at home appears when the possibility of self-realization is impaired. For example, when a person’s claim is greater than the basis for it, as in the case of a pianist who has very great claims to success, but he has to start with a restaurant pianist. Or when a person is minding his own business and does not understand it, when he is not pulling his weight - he works as a manager, but should be a teacher, etc. I would not say that men not working is a trend, but the changing times themselves contribute to this, because women have become freer, more protected, and the family is not as dependent on one man as it was before.

What to do with it, how to live with it? We asked Archpriest Maxim PERVOZVANSKY, cleric of the Church of the Forty Martyrs in Spasskaya Sloboda, editor-in-chief of the Naslednik magazine, to comment on situations with husbands who do not want to work and to give advice to wives:

The reasons for men's “non-work” are varied; and in one situation this is justified, but in another it is “not curable” at all. Let's say a wife has the opportunity to get a good job, earn more than her husband, and the spouses, by mutual agreement, decide that it is more convenient for the husband to stay at home with the child, and for the wife to go to work. And there is nothing wrong with this, especially if the personal qualities are such that the wife does not become the administrator of the family, the commander who gives orders: “You sit at home, do this and that!” But if the husband is basically “too lazy to work,” the situation requires professional intervention. True, you cannot forcefully help a person, just as you cannot cure an alcoholic unless he himself wants to stop drinking.

In any case, if the “non-work” has been prolonged, only a specialist can figure out whether this is a temporary situation associated with depression or a midlife crisis, or a “normal” and comfortable state for a man. But we will not talk now about such extreme situations when professional help is needed. Let’s listen to the advice that our experts give if the reluctance to work is “treated at home.”

Brainstorm: how to remove Emelya from the stove?

There lived a husband and wife, she constantly scolded him, at least behind his back - and his job, they say, is stupid, and he doesn’t earn any money at all, and doesn’t do anything around the house - he can’t drive a nail into a wall properly, she has to do everything. “Why do we need such a man!” - each time the wife finished the monologue. She endured and endured, and divorced him. And he wasn’t left alone, as she later said ex-wife: “a certain young lady picked him up,” he got a job, began to earn money and take care of the house. This situation is quite common.

The first wife suppressed any initiative of her husband, and the second, on the contrary, made her feel that he is the head of the family, bears responsibility, hopes are pinned on him, and he is a support. With his first wife, the man constantly felt a sense of guilt, they constantly demanded something from him, scolded him for doing everything wrong.

Father Maxim Pervozvansky:

In a situation of continuous reproach, the man becomes constrained and, unable to bear it, leaves. Everything greatly depends on the type of psyche - there are people who are driven, they are comfortable when people decide for them what to do and how, and there are those who strive for something, but their wife “does not give it”, and they become lack of initiative. But women often behave this way simply because they don’t know any other way. In a situation with a lack of initiative husband, a woman is often not happy with the current situation - she asked, the husband did not comply, she demanded, the husband refused on principle. We are all principled to the point of disgrace, we do not know how to give in. But it was necessary not to demand from the husband, but to try, on the contrary, to ask his opinion: “What do you think, dear, let’s think together, dear...”

Gives even more specific advice Alexander Kolmanovsky:

Often a man’s refusal to work is caused by a crisis or loss, and the man himself may not realize this. It seems to him that he is just tired or that no one understands or appreciates him. You don’t need to pay attention to his explanations; in this state, he doesn’t say what he really thinks about life and work; he just says something to fend off reproaches. Such emptiness of a man is most often accompanied by an unconscious feeling that he is bad, wrong, unpromising. Therefore, in order to “rehabilitate” him, he must be placed in an atmosphere of unconditional acceptance. He must be taught that any of his manifestations, actions, even negative ones, evoke sympathy from his wife and not condemnation. Let's say my husband spent the whole night on the Internet. The sympathetic wife will say in the morning: “Poor thing, how come you didn’t get enough sleep.” And the condemning one... well, there’s a lot of room for creativity.

As for his, my husband’s, work, we must understand the difference between self-affirmation, on the one hand, and self-realization, on the other. If a wife calls on her husband to “finally become a man, a breadwinner,” this makes him feel in constant neurosis. But if she helps him truly find himself, even at the temporary expense of his earnings, he will feel better and trust her.

You can brainstorm with your husband. “Tell me, if you had a magic wand, what would you like to do?” - “Ah, nothing, it would be lying on the stove.” They retreated, and two weeks later again: “Well, you’ve been lying on the stove for a long time, you’ll get bored; what would you like to do? The goal of this approach is not to force a man to finally make up his mind, but only to stimulate his inner search.

Without cutting off oxygen

Both the priest and the psychologist advise: take a closer look at your chosen ones even before the registry office. We must pay attention to how a man behaves with his parents, how he behaves in a quarrel, in conflict, what conclusions he draws from this experience. Alexander Kolmanovsky suggests evaluating your future spouse as follows: “The right chosen one is not the one whose merits delighted you, but the one whose shortcomings touched you.”

Oddly enough, from the advice of male experts, the conclusion follows: the main responsibility for establishing a peaceful and mutually respectful existence in the family falls on the fragile shoulders of women. Again and again we need to learn to restrain ourselves, endure and negotiate, not make claims and support our husbands in every possible way, in no case without cutting off their oxygen.

Men who find themselves without work can be helped by the words of a person who has lived through such an experience. Arseniy, 40 years old, was unemployed for about a year: “All my life, from the age of 18, I worked. I simply could not imagine my life without work. But in 2008, during the crisis, I found myself sitting at home. At first it was a shock, but then gradually I began to get the hang of it, in a good way. I started doing things I had never done before. My wife went to work, and I prepared breakfast for myself and my son, who was one and a half years old at that moment, and went for a walk with him. We made snowmen and sledded down the hills. Then we had lunch together, I learned how to cook soup, and read books. All this time I was looking for a job, sometimes even went for interviews, but I really liked “staying at home”. I think that if at some point I had not made an effort on myself and agreed to go to a job that was not “the dream of my whole life” - not in my specialty, with a small salary, much less prestigious than the one I worked at Before this, the house could have drawn me in. Over time, I again found what I was interested in, so I think it’s wrong to sit at home without getting a job because it’s below your self-image. On the other hand, remembering that period, I understand that the Lord sent me an excellent vacation; it was perhaps the happiest time of my life.”