Hello! I am 24 years old, I have been married for 1.5 years. My husband and I have a little daughter, she is 8 months old, my husband and I love each other very much. But we have a problem in our family. We live with his mother. When I marry my husband, I I knew that we would have to live with his mother (he is her only son and she raised him herself in difficult conditions), but I was very positive that we would live with my husband’s mother. I really wanted to make friends with her and be I'm on good terms with her, but in the first week of ours life together, she began to declare that she would leave the house because she was bothering us, although we did not give her a reason for this, she became jealous. She seemed annoyed that her son was hugging me, kissing me, buying something for me. We we worked together with him, and after a while she was sitting at home, but I was even glad that I would help around the house while we were at work, since I was already pregnant and the pregnancy was difficult. But after arguing with her son, she no longer spoke to herself. me, she didn’t prepare me to eat and began to treat me rudely, and then, having made peace, she already began to show her so-called love, that is, she does everything according to her mood and treats me according to her mood. I don’t know, it’s very difficult for me to live like this. I always tell my husband , that be more attentive to your mother and I always say come to her and apologize, although sometimes there is no need to apologize. I always try to buy my mother-in-law something, do something nice, but sometimes she does such things, gets offended, wants to be in charge, gives orders and probably cannot understand that her son has already matured and already has a wife and daughter. Although we pay attention to her and sometimes try to consult with her out of respect for her, but she always wants to be in charge in everything. I think this is not right, because Because of this, we often had scandals. I ask my husband to go to the apartment, but he doesn’t want to, his mother told him that if we leave, she will die immediately and says that it will be on our conscience later. Well then, turn your face to me, and I will do three times more for her. And now, because of all this, I have jealousy, jealous of my husband for my mother-in-law. I know it’s stupid that everyone takes their place, but I can’t help it. Help, please, what should we do, what should we do, thank you.

Hello Tamriko! It seems that the mother-in-law takes a childish position - she is offended and capricious. She manipulates you - scares you with her death. This is pure manipulation. But what guides it is not known for sure. Apparently, there is jealousy towards her son and the fact that she is losing her position as the head of the family. You need to understand one thing - you can’t change your mother-in-law if she doesn’t want to, no one will force her. This means you need to somehow adapt. Most the best option- separate and live separately. If this is not possible, then you need to develop a strategy for relations with her. For example, if she doesn't like it when your husband hugs you, don't do it in front of her. Observe her, what she likes and what she doesn't like. She probably has some favorite topics, for example, she likes to cook something or watch some TV series. Here you can find common ground. Take an interest in her hobbies.

You should not persuade your husband to apologize if he is not to blame, and generally somehow support her behavior. If she is offended, let her be offended, especially since offense is also a very good manipulation that older people gladly use to put pressure on young people. If she behaves somehow, let her behave. Your reaction should not be too emotional. On the contrary, you can simply ask about her feelings and express yours in response. For example, “I’m sorry that you’re offended, I didn’t mean to offend you” - that’s all. There is no need to prove anything or make excuses; you need to secretly let your mother-in-law know that you see her manipulations and will not fall for them. It is advisable to do everything tactfully, not to openly scandalize, in general, to do so that she has nothing to complain about. Although such people usually do not like anything, no matter how ideal the person is. If you are not satisfied with some of her requests, you can refuse her in a tactful manner; you should not please her in everything so that she does not get offended. She will still be offended. If she likes to be in charge, then give her the opportunity to command in some area. As for your jealousy, here you mirror it - she is jealous and you too, that is, you fall into the same process as she. Once you get out of this, she will also begin to change. So work on your jealousy, for many mothers the marriage of their son is stressful and they don’t want to just give up their positions and this must be understood. It's better to deal with jealousy

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“I’m jealous of the child’s mother-in-law,” a woman complains at a psychologist’s appointment. Such feelings are not uncommon both for those mothers who spend most of the day at work, entrusting their baby to their husband’s mother, and for those whose children see their grandmother only from time to time.

Why is a mother jealous of her little child's grandmother?

• The child finds in the grandmother a friend, an assistant, someone who understands him;
• The mother goes to work, and at this time the mother of the spouse is engaged in raising the child - and she is able to give a lot of love and affection to the child;
• The child is happy in the company of his grandmother; she knows how to approach the baby.

The difference between maternal jealousy and jealousy in general is that a woman is afraid of losing an invisible connection with her child, affection, reciprocity. And even if not every woman trusts her own mother to raise a child, then even more so her husband’s mother: the more jealous a mother is of her daughter (of any age) of her mother-in-law.

In this case, when the mother-in-law takes care of the child and looks after him during the mother’s working day, the woman’s jealousy can be extremely acute: after all, she does not see with her own eyes everything that happens in her absence, does not have time to observe the first successes and disappointments of the baby.

What to do if a mother is jealous of her child’s grandmother?

• Replace the amount of time spent with your baby with quality. If you have a little time for games, then these should be your favorite and most fun games.
• You shouldn't buy a child's affection. It’s better to appease him with plenty of communication, walks, health care, and cute homemade gifts to play with.

• - It’s not worth it. They are related to each other, they need each other's company. Let them be friends and communicate, while not forgetting about other family members.
• It will be useful for mom to remember what she lacked in childhood and try not to create the same vacuum in her children.

All this is good if the mother-in-law turns out to be a wise and patient woman. What if it's the other way around? After all, often the eldest woman also competes with her daughter-in-law for the attention of her grandson, sometimes exposing the mother to the child in an unfavorable light, emphasizing that the parents do not know how to do anything.

How to stop being jealous of a child?

• It is easier for a younger woman to adapt to the authority of an older woman and adopt parental experience. But to silently tolerate words and actions that clearly undermine the authority of parents means to further sever the connection with the child.
• Let your spouse actively show himself: talk to his mother, thank her and tactfully find out what the parents are doing wrong. At the same time, hinting that it would be nice not to talk about their shortcomings in front of the child.
• Perhaps the mother-in-law is very tired with the baby, but does not want to admit it. Alternatively, the family may decide to allow the child to attend preschool or development groups for half a day, and then his grandmother will walk and play with him. Then the grandmother will rest, and the child will receive the necessary communication with peers.

• “It’s useful for the younger generation to learn from their grandmother’s experience: how she knows how to persuade or calm a baby, feed him healthy food and ask him to put away his toys.
• No matter what young parents do, do not forget that after some time they will also have to become grandparents. And if they criticize their mother-in-law (or mother-in-law) in front of their grandchildren, quarrel or get angry, then they will most likely encounter all this from their children when they become adults. As they say, don't dig a hole for yourself.

A passion for child and developmental psychology will be an unconditional help for parents. Even under time pressure, you can find 20 minutes a day to study the behavioral characteristics of children and elders. Over time, theoretical knowledge will help in practice.

And further. No matter how attached a son or daughter is to their grandmother, no one can replace their mother. Let mothers repeat this to themselves more often, behave confidently and lovingly, and then the problem of jealousy towards any of their relatives will disturb them minimally.

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According to statistics, a third of divorces occur due to constant interference in family life mother-in-law or mother-in-law (fathers-in-law and father-in-law usually maintain neutrality). “Second mothers” are convinced that they act for the benefit of their child. But in fact, they often harm both him and themselves.

Most often, it is the mothers-in-law who bother young people. They explain it motherly love- they say, who else but them should know what is best for their boy. However, psychologists believe that a woman’s jealousy is almost always present in a mother’s love for her son, because her dear boy went to another woman and completely forgot about his mother. Doesn't call, doesn't come to visit, doesn't change burnt out light bulbs. Who is to blame for this? Of course the snake is the daughter-in-law. She does everything possible to separate her son from his parents. That is why 2/3 of mothers-in-law, to put it mildly, do not like their daughters-in-law, blaming them for everything - that they do not feed their husbands porridge in the morning (“She just needs to sleep, lazy woman”), they do not know how to cook, clean, wash, educate and treat children, but they only know how to spend their husband’s money on all sorts of nonsense.

But not only do mothers-in-law not feel ardent love for their daughters-in-law, they also often try to divorce their son from his wife. Cambridge University psychologist Terry Apter believes that every second mother-in-law experiences inner satisfaction if serious disagreements arise in her son's family. She immediately turns the situation to her advantage: she surrounds the “poor boy” with care and attention, prepares pickles for him, does not demand anything and does not lecture him. And the “poor boy” may become so enamored that he does not want to return to his wife and children. Moreover, my mother reassures me: “Don’t worry, you’ll find someone else, you’ll have more children.”

The situation with mother-in-law is different: only one out of 20 women is happy when their daughter’s marriage breaks up. And then if the son-in-law has seriously committed a crime, for example, he is addicted to drugs, alcohol or raised his hand to his wife. In other cases, the mother-in-law does not want a divorce, realizing that it is not easy for a daughter to raise children alone.

However, there are many exceptions to any rule. The mother-in-law can also “drink blood,” especially if she is lonely. Then jealousy, selfishness, and sometimes even envy: Psychologists believe that single, aging women may unconsciously envy daughters who have strong family, and endlessly find fault with her son-in-law: she earns little and does not provide her daughter with everything she needs, does not wash her hands when she comes home from work. Although behind these quibbles lies one desire - to have a daughter for sole use.

Mothers-in-law and mothers-in-law are more active in their “subversive activities” if both families - young and old - live together. One house - one battlefield. Most conflicts break out on domestic grounds: they didn’t wash the dishes on time, they didn’t turn down the music, they didn’t approach a crying child.

Character also matters. Most often, powerful, stubborn women, accustomed to command, interfere in the affairs of young people. Perceiving the child as an unreasonable child (even if the “child” is 30-40 years old), they also perceive his half in the same way, demanding from her unconditional submission to the “leader of the pack.” However, it is a big misconception to think that this will benefit their child. Even if a son-in-law or daughter-in-law really does something wrong, even if they have a bunch of shortcomings and don’t really like the “second mother,” the older generation still has no right to constantly interfere in their lives.

An interesting hypothesis was put forward by Finnish scientists. They believe that menopause helps a woman develop good feelings for her son's family. Having come to terms with the fact that she will no longer have her own children, the woman gives all of himself grandchildren.

• Do not resort to other prohibited methods - blackmail and manipulation: “Your wife raised her voice at me, and I immediately my heart hurts", "I feel like a stranger in own home: your husband is surviving me.” By doing so, you will only exacerbate existing problems. In addition, your son or daughter will understand that you are trying to manipulate them, and they won’t like it (and if they actually get heartbroken, they may not believe it).
• Maintain neutrality during family squabbles between your son or daughter. They will quarrel and immediately make up, forgetting the subject of the dispute. You are not. Make it clear that you don’t want to be involved in their conflicts - let them sort it out themselves. Otherwise, you will be blamed for everything later. When you drive a stake between your son and daughter-in-law, daughter and son-in-law, you also drive a stake between you. Yes, you can turn a child against his other half, you can even separate them, but will he forgive you later?

Mothers-in-law and mothers-in-law in their selfishness do not think about possible consequences, but they are capable of destroying the life of their heir and making him unhappy. The price for this could be loneliness and complete oblivion on the part of a son or daughter.

Daria MAKSIMOVA
city ​​"Stoletnik" No. 20, 2013

Source:
You are healthy
Policy of non-interference. interference in the family life of a mother-in-law or mother-in-law (fathers-in-law and fathers-in-law usually maintain neutrality). maternal love. female jealousy.
http://vy-zdorovy.ru/politika-nevmeshatelstva/

Love and jealousy: reflections on how these feelings are interconnected


Most people believe that love and jealousy are closely interconnected, cannot exist without each other and are two sides of the same coin. Along with this, there is an opinion that the all-destructive feeling of jealousy has nothing to do with creative and resurrecting love. Who is right and where is the “golden mean” in this matter? Let's try to figure it out.

Most psychologists and ordinary people believe that these two feelings go through life hand in hand and cannot exist without each other. This Siamese twins, which cannot be separated. Why did this opinion arise? A series of observations will allow you to draw the same conclusion.

• Have you ever been jealous of someone else's man who is completely indifferent to you? Funny, is not it? Indeed, you only begin to be jealous of your loved one.
• Love strives with all its being to create a family, and jealousy is nothing more than the desire for you to be the only beloved woman for your man.
• When you love, in a fit of tenderness you say the word “MY” to your beloved, that is, you recognize him as yours. Isn't jealousy the same thing? This is a common sense of ownership that is characteristic of every person. And if someone tries to steal this property, it would be quite normal to put the rival in her place.
• Love not only for a man is always associated with stings of painful jealousy: weren’t you jealous of your girlfriend’s other girls at school? Were you pleased when your mother paid more attention to other children? What about the jealousy of a mother-in-law towards her daughter-in-law or a mother-in-law towards her son-in-law? There are many examples of jealousy, and all of them will go hand in hand with a feeling of love for a loved one and dear person, reluctance to share it with others.

Are you really going to say after all this that jealousy has nothing to do with love? Indeed, there is such a point of view. Shall we listen?

What makes pundits claim that jealousy has nothing to do with love? They are too different, these two feelings, in many of their indicators and manifestations.

After such arguments, it is difficult to agree that love and jealousy are so closely interrelated. How to find a compromise?

Hello, I’m 25 years old, my son is 7 months old, my husband is 30. My husband and I have been together for 7 years. We live with my husband’s parents. We moved recently, before that we lived with my mother, but she didn’t suit my husband, in the end there was a scandal and I was given an ultimatum - either we live with my parents, or you stay, and I’ll come on weekends. Unfortunately, there’s no way to live separately. I decided to move, although I didn’t want to put it mildly (my mother-in-law didn’t like me at first, and I responded in kind). I want to make a footnote because my husband simply adores his son, spends a lot of time with him, studies with him. I also love my husband. After thinking about it, I decided to move. And my problem is this: as soon as we moved, my mother-in-law took patronage of the child, constantly carries her in her arms, plays, lisps (although I must say that I don’t know how to do this, I’m a little harsh by nature). It seems to me as if she wants to fill all the space around the baby so that only he perceives her. So it’s come to the point that even I’m sitting in our I’m playing in the room with the child, she walks along the corridor, he quickly crawls when he sees her, and in general he always crawls closer to her, whines for her to take in his arms. He also always repeats with the woman, you and the woman - as if he’s talking. He constantly snatches him from mine hands, says rest. I feel like a service staff for my son. On weekends, my father-in-laws go to the dacha, my son crawls around the apartment looking for his grandmother. I have the feeling that for the child it’s not me who is the mother, but she. Preventive conversations are held from time to time, I tell her what it is my child and I have the right to decide what he will eat, when and how to sleep, whether to ride in the arms or not. She answers yes, yes. But she sticks to her own line. She doesn’t take advice on how to care for and behave with her son. It’s bitter and insulting, that I am a mother who has no right to my child, as if I gave birth not for myself. I tried to talk, explain, she is offended, she seems to think, she says yes, you are right, I will do as you say, but a little time passes and again the child is in my arms, endless useless advice, etc. my husband also made comments to her, but everything was like a wall. Later he stopped saying anything. When I try to discuss with him another attack from my mother-in-law, she starts getting irritated and screaming. The conversation boils down to the fact that it’s kind of my fault (learn to lisp, that’s all he should be allowed), although my son doesn’t hear the word “impossible” from me (I just try to remove everything dangerous, unlike my grandmother who repeats this word a thousand times a day). I want my son to be able to play at least a little on his own, he also crawls well, which allows him not to sit in our arms all the time, but to follow us around the apartment himself. In general, the question is how to calm down the irritation, find a common language, and defend my right to make decisions about raising the child. And how to make me become more important to the baby than the grandmother. I understand what this is competition, but I want to be myself for him. ..

Good day Maria! The fact that your mother-in-law did not accept you at first - this is also the reaction of mothers, she was worried about her son, you were a stranger to her. But over time, she accepted you as a daughter or daughter-in-law, because she loves your baby, because this is not only her son’s child, but also yours! Your baby is incredibly lucky - he is loved and that’s wonderful! Imagine for a moment that the mother-in-law would be generally indifferent to the baby? What would you say and feel then? You yourself write that you are “tough” by nature, and your mother-in-law lisps him. And when should you baby a child if not at such an early age? He still smells like God! The child needs to be picked up more often, pressed to the chest, so that he feels your warmth, care, love... Right now a psycho-emotional connection is being formed between you.

Another very important factor influencing emotional development child is the attentive, sensitive attitude of his parents towards him and each other. Spend as much time as possible together, smile at your baby, hold him in your arms more often. The baby experiences so-called “tactile hunger,” so try. Your touch is vital for him.

Scientists have proven that a child develops faster if, from birth, he has a lot of contact with his parents and communicates through touch. Those. Touching every time you change clothes, bathe, feed, carry, massage, exercise is of great importance.

Infants are very sensitive to their mother's mood. Often, when the mother is upset about something, the baby also behaves restlessly, screams, and is capricious. Try to be as calm as possible.

For your child, you were, are and will be his mother - beyond competition!

All the best,

Labutina Larisa Sergeevna, psychologist Astana

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Why do mother-in-law and daughter-in-law become rivals?

Hello dear readers. About the rivalry between two women, mother and wife, for Special attention my only beloved man, I wrote a lot. And I will write more. After all, this topic is inexhaustible and sometimes reaches the point of absurdity, when two women cannot share one man, and with him a child.

So it turns out - a family triangle, which is much worse than a love triangle. After all, a love triangle can be broken, but you need to look for a way out of a family triangle. But the side does not always want to look for him. They prefer to openly conflict or secretly be offended and accumulate grievances.

Why is my mother-in-law jealous?

It's no secret that many problems in relationships arise due to simple jealousy. Jealousy, which eats away a person from the inside and seeks a way out. And whatever way out jealousy finds, such will be the consequences. After all, the mother-in-law often believes that...

So it turns out that both the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law can consider each other rivals, and this can negatively affect their relationship. Most often, the mother-in-law is jealous of her son’s daughter-in-law and thereby ruins the life of her own child. How can it be, she thinks, now there is another woman next to her son. Can she take better care of him than I can? Will she cook, wash, iron better than me?

But for young people and lovers, such everyday problems do not have such a priority as for the mother-in-law. And you shouldn’t focus on them. Don’t pointlessly torture yourself and your daughter-in-law.

Ordinary maternal jealousy is a normal, natural feeling, as long as it does not go beyond the bounds of reason. But then she starts to look just ugly. Why would you compete with another woman to get your own son's attention? He must have time for both women, and he loves both, but with different loves. And therefore there should be no reason for jealousy.

Daughter-in-law's jealousy

And the other woman, the wife, is also jealous. But this is not just jealousy, this is competition. A young woman constantly competes with a more experienced one, and strives to receive the constant attention of her beloved man. Here, most often the cause of jealousy is the thought: “Now he is mine and only mine.” This position most often manifests itself in possessive behavior, where only the full attention of the spouse becomes important, and not even the thought that he can care or worry about someone else is allowed.

And when a child appears, the same possessive feeling appears towards the child. I often read that mothers are jealous of their children’s grandmothers. Of course, this is not exactly jealousy, but rather a feeling of ownership - “this child is mine, and only mine.” Do you know this feeling? What to do? Some tips.

Which side does the husband take in the family triangle?

I won’t be able to sort it out, but I’ll at least try. I never tire of saying that my blog is mainly read by future mothers-in-law, which is why I write for them.

Conflicts will arise as long as the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law consider each other competitors. Conflicts can be avoided if the daughter-in-law learns to perceive the mother-in-law as her husband’s mother, and the mother-in-law as the daughter-in-law as the woman whom her son loves.

Raising the question “either she or I” is a dead end from which there is no correct, painless way out.

You should always try to find in a person good qualities. If your son chose a girl, it means she deserves him. I don’t understand those mothers-in-law who consider their daughters-in-law unworthy of their sons. Of course, anything can happen in life. But if a young family lives peacefully and happily, why interfere and create conflict situations.

I also don’t understand when some visible reasons. It doesn’t take much intelligence to come out of anger, but to step over petty jealousy and rise above this requires fortitude.

And if a conflict has already arisen and continues for a long time, a man must intervene so as not to destroy his own family. In this case, young people need to learn to build their personal boundaries, the boundaries of their family. And the son can firmly and clearly tell his mother: “Mom, I love you very much, but this is our family and we will solve our problems with my wife.”

Otherwise, situations may arise that I will write about next time. Subscribe to updates so you don't miss the most interesting things.