Harvard professor and mother of two. In Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, she talks about the Chinese method of parenting aimed at raising obedient and disciplined children who honor and respect their parents and achieve excellent grades in school.

What is this book about?

“Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” is a book about how Chinese women raise their children. The author of the book is Amy Chua, a Harvard graduate and a well-known and accomplished scientist of Chinese origin. Her book is not a scientific work, but a description of her own life, worldview, mistakes and achievements.

Many are shocked by the parenting methods described in the book; some will even call them child abuse. However, it is worth listening to the author’s point of view. Amy Chua notes that a Chinese mother is a figurative concept, it is not necessary to be one by nationality, the main thing is the method of education. Chinese women themselves may not be Chinese mothers, because they raise their children according to the Western model.

And how do Chinese tiger mothers raise?

If American parents praise their children at the slightest provocation, and even for no reason, then Chinese mothers believe that praise must be earned. But they do not skimp on criticism.

They have high expectations about their children's future and a high opinion of their mental abilities. Chinese mothers value obedience above all else and strive for it with all their might. No independence or disobedience. These mothers always decide for themselves what is best for their children, and also do not tolerate objections. Children must completely and not contradict.

Only parents know what is best for the child, what and how much he will study.

No going to other children's birthday parties - it's a waste of time. They never allow their children to sleep over. A minimum of entertainment, and if you have fun, then it’s useful. Keeping the child busy almost around the clock with useful activities is the task of such a mother. Childhood is not given for entertainment, but to prepare the child for adult life.

And what does this lead to?

The author points out that Chinese children honor their parents and do not imagine that they can contradict, be rude, or go against them. It is unthinkable for them not to help and support elderly and sick parents. In addition, many Chinese schoolchildren are significantly ahead of their peers from other countries in school subjects.

Is harsh upbringing related to Chinese traditions?

Yes. Such harsh upbringing among the Chinese is passed on from generation to generation. This is especially true for emigrants, because in a foreign country you have to start everything from scratch. The author is sure that only hard work and willpower will help you achieve something.

Was Amy Chua raised this harshly?

The author's parents moved to America, achieved everything themselves, and besides, they had four daughters (the youngest with Down syndrome). In order to live better and achieve something in a foreign country, they constantly worked and forced their daughters to work on themselves. The older ones looked after the younger ones, studied with excellent marks, and graduated from prestigious universities.

Amy Chua herself was a little “rebellious” - she did not enter Stanford closer to home, as her father wanted, but went to the East Coast to Harvard. Another sister also went and went to Harvard. At first, the parents considered this a tragedy, but then, when their daughters defended their doctorates, they were immensely proud of them.

What is important for a Chinese mother in studies?

The Chinese mother is sure that children should only study. Even 5 minus is already a bad rating.

Chinese parents feel that they have failed in their upbringing if their children do not excel at school, if they are not the best students in the class.

The only concession is that you don’t have to be an excellent student in physical education and drama. In mathematics, you need to be two heads ahead of your classmates. If a child has a conflict with a teacher or coach, the Chinese mother always takes the latter’s side. A child must necessarily bow to the authority of an adult.

But isn’t this how adults break children’s psyches and raise people submissive to fate?

Chinese mothers do not believe that they are breaking their children by raising them this way. On the contrary, in their understanding, they build character and prepare for difficulties. In adult life there are ups and downs, and a child who has been so pressured and taught to persevere will be able to withstand everything.

Can a child do anything besides studying?

Extracurricular activities are not encouraged so that children spend all their time studying. But you can do just one thing. And in this activity you need to be the best: have a gold medal, get first places in competitions.

The author sent her daughters to piano and violin. The girls practiced music both on their birthday and during illness (on pills and antipyretics). Even on vacation, it was necessary to study for several hours. If you could take a violin with you, then a piano was found in hotels, monasteries, libraries, restaurants, and shops. Anything to get ahead of other children and show the highest result.

How does a tiger mother communicate with her children?

To achieve her and her child’s goals, a mother can insult, humiliate, threaten, or blackmail. This is not considered something out of the ordinary.

Chinese mothers do not worry about their children’s self-esteem and do not worry about how the child will feel.

Chinese parents are confident that their children have enough strength to survive humiliation and become better people. In their opinion, the worst thing they can do is give in and not push. Therefore, they prove to the child by all means that he can do what he thought he was not capable of. Chinese parents believe that this is the only way to best prepare their children for the future. By equipping them with the skills, the habit of work and the confidence that they can do what no one else can do.

How do Chinese women cope with whims and adolescence?

If Chinese children begin to be capricious, indignant, and defend their rights, the Chinese mother believes that she has failed in upbringing and begins to “educate” with double or even triple force. Usually children give up and begin to follow instructions.

However, in her book, Amy Chua says that her youngest daughter did not give up. For a long time they lived in a state of war. Ultimately, both made concessions. The author believes that this happened due to the fact that they lived in America, where it is difficult not to stand out from the crowd, and children look at their peers and want the same indulgences: walks, going to the movies, and so on. In China, the majority are brought up according to the Chinese model, which is why there are fewer teenage riots.

What do parents ultimately expect from their children?

Chinese parents believe that their children are ahead of them. Parents live with children, spend exhausting hours with them studying, at competitions, concerts, controlling every step and every action, so they expect their children to repay the debt for the rest of their lives, even if it ruins their lives.

In China, it is unthinkable for elderly and sick parents to live outside of their children or in nursing homes. Even if living conditions do not allow children, they still take their parents to live with them. Otherwise, indelible shame awaits them.

Amy Chua found something useful in Western upbringing?

Despite the fact that the author criticizes American education, she used some aspects of Westerners in raising her youngest daughter. She allowed her daughter to choose what she wanted to do (rather than telling her what to do), and began to interfere less in the process, allowing her daughter to control how many hours she needed to study (rather than standing there with a stopwatch) and who to choose as a coach.

What conclusion does the author make?

The author believes that freedom in education has spoiled children too much: they do not know how to work, achieve goals, give up at the slightest failure and do not use their abilities 100%. To achieve something great, you need to step over yourself, work to the limit of your capabilities.

Is this book worth reading?

The author of this book is a Chinese woman, a successful lawyer, a professor at Yale University, and the mother of two talented girls. She talks honestly and without prevarication about how she raised her children in accordance with traditional Chinese values, what difficulties she faced, what successes were achieved and what was not achieved.

With her sometimes shocking book, Amy Chua reminds us that only hard work leads to success, and nothing comes easy.

Throughout the book, there was a slow transformation of the author's understanding: not all children work with such an education system. Everything worked out with the eldest daughter, but the youngest rebelled, and everything escalated to open hatred. The book is definitely worth reading to understand why professional music (and professional sports) is “scary”, and to think a hundred times whether you and your child are ready to make such sacrifices in order to achieve success. Despite some shocking moments like exposing a naked child to the cold, there is a lot for parents to take into account.

For example, a common situation is when children start doing something and, when faced with the first difficulties, give up. Parents believe that since the child does not want, it means that they need to continue looking for what he wants. But it is possible that this is exactly what he wants to do, so over time he will begin to regret that he quit. In this situation, you need to insist that the child continue studying and overcome the barrier of temporary difficulties. And, having moved to a new level, the child himself will be happy and proud of what he has achieved.

All parents dream that their children will grow up to be successful and wealthy people. However, not everyone knows how to raise a brilliant mathematician, businessman or gifted creative person. In this regard, the experience of Chinese parents is extremely interesting, whose principles of education are radically different from the approaches to the educational process of Europeans.

Chinese mom phenomenon

To better understand the principles of raising children in China, let's turn to the book by Chinese-American Amy Chua. A Harvard graduate and Yale professor, Amy became famous for raising her two daughters under the Chinese system, and then wrote a book about it that caused a huge stir in the United States and Europe, and became a real bestseller.

The uniqueness of the Chinese approach to raising children lies in absolute obedience to parents, and the motto that the Chinese instill in their children is: “Be the first, otherwise everything you do makes no sense!” Categorical, isn't it?

Amy herself was raised in a family of four children. Moreover, one of the girls suffered from Down syndrome. But this feature did not prevent our heroine’s parents from treating all their daughters equally strictly. As a result, the three eldest daughters became successful, highly educated individuals, and the fourth won the World Swimming Championship for the disabled. According to Amy’s parents, all they had to do was feel the girl, find her talent and make an effort to develop it. And Amy's Chinese mother coped with this successfully.

The successes of her parents gave our heroine an understanding of how to raise her children. Amy is sure that parents simply have a duty to take care of revealing their child’s talents and preparing him to compete for championship. And following her principles, the Chinese mother set strict restrictions for her daughters.

Here are the main prohibitions that were established for Amy's daughters:

• go to school holidays;
• spend the night away from home;
• participate in school plays and whine about it;
• receive any grades except the highest;
• play computer games and watch TV;
• not being the best student in any subject (except drama and physical education);
• play musical instruments (except violin and piano);
• do not play the violin or piano.

Differences between Chinese and European approaches to education

The Chinese are sure that you can learn anything only if you constantly study and train. And given that children only want to play and have a carefree time, parents simply have to decide what their children should do.

Working on school homework with children and their hobbies requires a lot of fortitude from parents, because the child will definitely resist. Nevertheless, the Chinese are sure that if you do not achieve success, you will not get pleasure, which means that all the time spent on achieving the goal is wasted. That is why even where European or American parents give up and give up, Chinese parents show resilience.

To achieve your goal, practice, practice and more practice are important! In the countries of Europe and America, mechanical repetition is mostly underestimated, but life shows that forcing a child to engage in studies, sports or creativity, at some point he will definitely begin to make progress. Praise and admiration for his successes give the child a feeling of satisfaction, and he begins to enthusiastically do things that previously did not give him pleasure.

In Amy's case, her children, Sophia and Lulu, took up piano and violin, respectively. And here the strictness of the Chinese mother was fully manifested. Western parents may find it too cruel to force their child to practice music every day for 30 minutes a day. But for the Chinese this is nonsense. Parents often force their kids to train for two or even three hours!

Education deserves a separate discussion, which also reveals significant differences between Chinese and European parents. An indicative experiment was in which 50 American mothers and 50 mothers from China participated. Nearly 70% of Western mothers agreed with the argument that “demanding academic success from a child is bad.” According to them, “parents should strengthen their children in the idea that learning should bring joy.”

Do you know how many Chinese mothers agreed with this argument? – 0%! Parents of Chinese children openly stated that they are confident that their children can be the best students, and school performance is an indicator of the successful upbringing of a child. In this regard, if a child does not get straight A's, this is an alarm bell, indicating that parents are not fulfilling their responsibilities.

At the same time, studies show that parents from the Middle Kingdom spend 10 times more time doing homework with their children. At the same time, children from Western countries and the United States devote more time to sports and are more likely to participate in school sports teams.

The fruits of “tiger education”

Parents from Europe may find this approach to raising their own children creepy and inhumane, but the facts speak for themselves. Amy's eldest daughter, 18-year-old Sophia, became an outstanding pianist and performed at the famous Carnegie Hall. In addition, the daughter followed in her mother’s footsteps by entering Harvard University to study law. The youngest daughter Lily is still in school, but has the highest score in all subjects. And world statistics confirm that Chinese education produces results. Five of the ten richest women in the world are of Chinese origin!

Why Chinese parents get away with everything

Many people wonder whether children will hate their strict parents when they become adults. Life shows that children raised in harsh conditions do not hate their parents. Moreover, for their failures they blame, first of all, themselves, and not their parents, remembering how much time and effort their fathers and mothers spent on raising them.

How can we explain the fact that caring and reverent Western parents receive much less love from their grown-up children than stern Chinese fathers and mothers? Most likely, this is due to significant differences between the way Western and Chinese parents think.

First, parents from Western countries and the United States are more concerned about their child's self-esteem. They focus on how their child feels, and even if the child fails or gets a bad grade from school, they reassure the child by telling him how good he is and assuring him that he will succeed in the future. That is, Western parents pay more attention psychological state child.

The Chinese behave differently. They value strength, and therefore do not cut corners on their children and punish them for the slightest failures. For example, if a child brings an A with a minus from school, parents in the West will most likely praise their child, but Chinese parents will look at the child with eyes full of sorrow and demand to explain where the minus came from!

Even if they get a B, Western kids are likely to get their parents' approval. As a last resort, they will delicately ask what was missing to achieve the maximum mark. In any case, you will not hear the words “disgrace,” “stupid,” or “slacker” from tolerant parents. But in a Chinese family, getting a four will result in a real scandal in the family. First there will be screams and attempts to shame the child, then the mother will buy a dozen teaching aids and will study with the child until he knows the subject “by heart.” Chinese parents are so demanding of their children only because they know that their child is capable and strong enough to study the school curriculum thoroughly. And as soon as he corrects himself and achieves success, streams of parental praise will begin to flow.

Secondly, Chinese parents believe that their children owe them everything. It is difficult to explain where this came from, but in all Chinese families, children treat their parents with special respect, sincerely believing that their parents sacrificed a lot so that they could grow up to be cultured and educated people.

But in the West, the opinion on this matter is radically opposite. In Europe and the USA they are sure that it is parents who owe it to their children. “In essence, children do not choose their parents. It doesn’t even depend on them whether they will be born or not. Thus, the direct responsibility of parents is to provide for their offspring. And their children, having become adults and having offspring, will be indebted to their children.” Something like this answer can be heard from dads and moms in the West. It is difficult to say whether this approach is correct or not, but it is an indisputable fact that adult and experienced parents do not present themselves in the most favorable situation in front of their children.

Thirdly, parents from the Middle Kingdom believe that they know better what their children need, and therefore they force the kids to behave in accordance with their preferences, requirements and desires. This is why Chinese kids don't go on overnight camping trips, don't play computer games for 6-8 hours a day, and don't have boyfriends at school.

Here you need to understand that these prohibitions are not a whim at all. Just the opposite. Chinese fathers and mothers will give everything for the sake of their children, but they will also be held accountable to the utmost severity. There is no desire to self-actualize at the expense of your own child. It’s just that this is a completely different model of raising children, allowing them to develop a sense of purpose and respect for their parents.

All fathers and mothers wish their children happiness and goodness. Chinese parents prepare their children for the future from an early age, showing them what they are capable of, as well as equipping them with inner confidence and performance that will remain with them forever. And this is the most The best way protect your children. Parents in the West try to respect the individuality of their child and support him in weakness or failure; they do not believe that only success can make up the child’s happiness. Who said that huge success can replace a large number of friends and human communication.

What do you think about this? Who do you want to raise - a winner or just happy person? Do you have any parenting secrets and which methods do you think are more effective? Leave your opinion in the comment.
Love your children!

Traveler and freelance journalist Victoria Loskutova specifically found out all the possible details about the way of life family life in China. Now Vika lives on an island in the south of the country, in the province of Hainan and the resort city of Sanya. She teaches children English, writes a blog about Asia (to which I definitely invite you) and enjoys life.

Who determines in a family that it is necessary to have a child?

The two of them decide. But if one of the partners does not agree, then nothing will work out. It's better to talk about this before marriage, otherwise important question can develop into a huge problem and create a gap between relatives.

A typical Chinese family (parents' age, character, attitude towards parenthood).

Family in China is the most important thing. There are always a lot of people with children on the streets; you rarely see teenagers wandering around alone, almost never. Everyone is with family or busy with studies, sports, and clubs. Getting married in China is considered normal after graduating from higher education between the ages of twenty-five and thirty. This is also a good time to have a baby. The Chinese have different personalities, just like people of any other nationality. Relatively recently, the law that prohibited natives of the PRC from having more than one child was repealed. However, even after its abolition, not many decide on a second one, because literally everything is given to children in China, and holding two or more takes hard work and a lot of money.

Sometimes the relationship between parents is bad, but they live together - for the sake of the children. The kids are pampered, pampered and cherished, they try to give maximum care, love, all the best. Because of this, many of them grow up spoiled, they can shout at their parents and act up in a public place, knowing that nothing will happen to them for this. One day, my friend’s daughter (9 years old) was offended by her mother for something and right in the restaurant she came up and wiped her mouth on the sleeve of her snow-white blouse. At that moment I stopped chewing. The friend only looked at her daughter with displeasure and talked to her at home, but not in public. Yes, I didn’t hit, I didn’t punish, I just talked. She always says that her daughter will receive all her lessons later, but for now she needs to give her a guideline for her future life. I don’t know how she conducts conversations with her, but I noticed that recently the girl’s behavior has changed for the better.

Do Chinese men attend their wife's birth?

No way. Men are prohibited from attending childbirth. Chinese stars go abroad to give birth, where men can see their baby come into the world. Also among the stars it is believed that this is better and, naturally, more prestigious.

How long is it common for Chinese women to be on maternity leave?

It's different in every province. Basically it's only about a month - 30-35 days! Chinese mothers work very hard, just like men. In some provinces this is 98, 127 maternity days. In the province of Sichuan, known for its very spicy cuisine, for example, 158 days are allotted for maternity leave.

Kindergartens in China.

Kindergartens here are popular in the gym baby format. These take from 1.5 to 5 years. Children are brought in at 8.30 and picked up around 16-17.00. The day begins with breakfast and exercises in a game format. Then games in specially equipped rooms, the floor of which is completely covered with soft mats. So if a child falls (and they fall all the time when they run and jump), then he will not harm himself in any way. The corners are also finished in such a way that if the baby hits one, he will not feel pain. Games alternate with English classes. Yes, they teach little ones too! These are mainly individual words and short phrases. During classes, video programs in the form of cartoons and cards with pictures are often used. Toys, of course, are also used. Between breakfast and lunch, have a fruit snack. Quiet time after lunch. After sleep, the children play and are soon picked up by their parents. This is just one model of a Chinese kindergarten. The program may vary. For example, there are establishments where parents and grandparents can come and play with their children, something like a club for children.

Child development in China: interesting toys, educational sections, languages, sports

China has everything for the development of children. Full of toys playgrounds, huge rooms in malls, in which, in addition to trampolines and slides, there are also modern electronic games. For example, table tennis(which is popular in China). The game loads on the screen and the children simply control the rackets in the air, hitting an imaginary ball with their hand in the air. There are nannies who watch the children while the parents do their shopping. Most children are now taught English, from the very beginning. early age. For this purpose, there are special training centers that they go to after secondary school. Tutors are also hired to provide one-on-one tutoring with the child. Various sports sections, kung fu, and table tennis, mentioned earlier, are popular in China. It is very popular to play the piano and other musical instruments. In general, children are very busy from morning to evening, almost all seven days a week.

How do parents in China spend their leisure time with their children? What is the weekend routine of a typical Chinese family?

All training centers are busiest on weekends, as there are no school days. Loaded and game rooms in malls, zoos, water parks, parks with roller skating rinks. In large hotels directly below open air fairy tales or cartoons are shown, people go to swimming pools, to the beach (in the south of China or in the summer), to cafes and restaurants. Ice cream and other goodies are used. On weekends everything works for family vacation. On weekdays, parents usually work, children are at school and in clubs until the evening.

Who is usually the head of the family, and how is it determined?

Sometimes the head is a man, sometimes a woman, it depends on who gets more. It happens that a man gets a lot, but he listens to his wife. It also depends on the province. In Sichuan province, for example, women rule the family. Men are afraid of their wives. Perhaps this has something to do with the spicy food eaten in this province. But they say that men love their wives so much that they don’t want to make them angry, so you have to listen! I have seen many situations where women, to put it mildly, spoke strictly to their men and they only remained silent in response. In addition, many years ago it was believed that having a son was pride, he was an emperor, an heir. And the daughter is a misfortune. Therefore, many women, upon learning that they were pregnant with a girl, had an abortion. Boys were spoiled and historically, girls had to be stronger and even more courageous in order to survive. Perhaps that is why Chinese women still have so much strength in their genes and they try to control their husbands.

The importance of a nanny in the life of Chinese parents?

Wealthier people pay for a nanny in the second month of a child's life. It is very expensive - 15,000 yuan per month ($2,140). This nanny is called the Golden Nanny. She is hired for only one month to teach the mother how to feed and care for the baby. This is practiced by young families. But most often they ask the wife’s mother to help. Wealthy families can afford a nanny for every day.

The main principles of raising Chinese parents (they say that French children do not spit food, what do Chinese children do and do not do in this case)?

You need to learn to do everything yourself. At the same time, parents say: “Learn to do it yourself, because when you grow up, I won’t be able to do it for you.” What is special is that older people always serve themselves food first, and the youngest people always serve themselves last.

If Chinese children misbehave, how are they pacified?

To be honest, they play around all the time. Parents either do not pacify them in any way, or they punish them, sometimes severely, scold them, beat them... If there is time, they called you, they called you, but you got too played, they can leave you hungry. A few years ago, a law was introduced that prohibits parents from hitting their children. First, this is a reprimand to the police, if nothing changes, then there may be a trial and a sentence of several months.

Parental relationships: who bears more responsibility for the child?

Always mom. Dad deals with the children much less. It so happened historically that the mother does everything, and the children count more on her than on the father.

• Holidays in the People's Republic of China have a family focus and the family always gathers with the husband's parents.
• The eldest son is always most responsible to his parents.
• If a girl has younger brothers, then one month after the birth of her child, she cannot live at home with them and her mother under the same roof. This is considered to be unkind to brothers.
• But now all traditions are gradually being eliminated. The Chinese are looking towards the West, Chinese women are increasingly marrying foreigners and leaving their homeland.

The secret to the success of the Chinese economy is the education of children, which depends entirely on family education, says Amy Chua, a professor at Yale Law School. She writes about this in The Wall Street Journal.
Many people wonder why Chinese parents have such equally successful and gifted children? They wonder how these parents raise such a large number of brilliant young mathematicians and brilliant young musicians, how life works in their families, and whether this experience can be used. I can talk about it. I did it. Here, for example, is a list of things that have always been forbidden to my daughters, Sofia and Louise:
- spend the night away from home;
- go to school holidays;
- participate in school plays;
- whining that they weren’t included in the school play;
- watch TV and play computer games;
- choose independently what to do during out-of-school time;
- receive any grades except the highest;
- fail to be the best student in the class in any subject except physical education and dramatic arts;
- play any musical instrument other than piano and violin;
- do not play the piano or violin.
Chinese moms
Even those Western parents who think they are strict are not even close to Chinese mothers. I know a Western couple who consider themselves strict parents because they force their children to study music for 30 minutes every day. An hour is the maximum. For a Chinese mother, an hour is nothing. Two or three is strict.
You might be squeamish about cultural stereotypes, but there are tons of books out there that point out the marked differences between Chinese and Westerners when it comes to raising children. In one study of 50 Western American mothers and 48 mothers from Chinese immigrant families, nearly 70% of Western mothers said that "pressuring children to achieve academically is not good" and that parents should encourage children to " learning should be a joy."
In contrast, among Chinese mothers, 0% had the same thoughts. Instead, the vast majority of Chinese mothers said they believed their children were capable of being “top” students, that “academic performance is an indicator of successful parenting,” and that if their children did not achieve straight A’s, it was a “problem” and an indicator that parents “fail to fulfill their responsibilities.”
Other studies show that compared to Western parents, Chinese parents spend about ten times more time on activities with their children. school assignments. By contrast, Western children are more likely to participate in school sports teams.
Chinese strategy
Chinese parents think that there is no pleasure in anything you are not successful at. To learn something you have to do it, and children never want to do anything on their own, so it is essential that parents determine what they should do. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist. It’s especially difficult when you start, which is why Western parents tend to give up right away. But if everything is done correctly, the Chinese strategy works - a virtuous vicious circle results.
Persistent practice, practice and more practice are very important to achieve excellence; Mechanical repetition is usually underestimated. Once a child begins to excel at something—be it math, piano, baseball, or ballet—he or she receives praise, admiration, and satisfaction. This strengthens his sense of confidence and the child begins to enjoy doing things that were once not enjoyable. trust and makes one-time non-fun activities fun. This, in turn, makes it easier for parents who need their child to work even harder.
Contrasts

Chinese parents can get away with things that Western parents can't. Chinese mothers may tell their daughters, “Hey, fat, you should lose weight.” In contrast, Western parents begin to become obnoxious when such a question arises, use the term “Health” and in no case mention the word “w”, but, nevertheless, their children still have to be shown to the doctor due to a violation of the regime nutrition and negative self-esteem.
Chinese parents may require their children to only get straight A's. Western parents can only ask their children to try to do better. Chinese parents may say: "You are lazy. All your classmates are ahead of you." By contrast, Western parents must struggle with their own conflicting feelings about life's achievements and try to convince themselves that they are not disappointed by what their children have achieved.
Why Chinese parents get away with everything
I've thought long and hard about why Chinese parents get away with what they do. I believe there are three significant differences between Chinese and Western parenting ways of thinking.
Firstly, I noticed that Western parents are concerned about the mental state of their children. Chinese parents are not. They value strength over weakness and behave differently as a result.
For example, if a child brings home from school an A-minus on an exam, a Western parent will most likely praise the child. The Chinese mother will gasp in horror and ask what was wrong.
If a Chinese child gets a "B" (and this will never happen) - at first there will be an explosion, with screams and hair pulling. Then the unfortunate Chinese mother will find a dozen, or better yet a hundred test items in this subject and will work on them with her child until she feels that he will definitely get an “A”.
Chinese parents demand excellent grades because they believe their child can achieve them. If a child does not receive them, Chinese parents assume that it is because the child does not want to work hard. That is why the way to deal with poor performance is always the same - to hurt, punish and shame the child. Chinese parents believe their child is strong enough to survive judgment and become a better person as a result (and when Chinese children do well, the home is flooded with parental ego-inflating praise).
Secondly, Chinese parents believe that their children owe them everything. The reason for this phenomenon is not entirely clear, but it is probably a combination of Confucian filial piety and the fact that parents sacrificed and did a lot for their children. In any case, it is generally accepted that Chinese children should spend their lives repaying their debt to their parents, obeying them and giving them reasons to be proud.
By contrast, I don't think most Westerners hold the same view.
Third, Chinese parents believe that they know best what their children need, so they force their children to behave in accordance with their own desires and preferences. This is why Chinese daughters can't have boyfriends in college and why Chinese kids don't go on sleepovers.
Do not misunderstand me. All of this does not mean that Chinese parents do not care about their children. Just the opposite. They will give everything for their children. It's just a completely different parenting model.

All parents want the same thing
There are books that portray Asian mothers as callous, schemers, indifferent to the true interests of their children.
For their part, many Chinese secretly believe that they care more about their children and are willing to sacrifice more for them than Western parents, who seem perfectly content with their children doing poorly.
I believe this is a mutual misunderstanding. All decent parents want the best for their children. The Chinese just have a completely different idea of ​​how to achieve this.
Western parents try to respect their children's individuality by encouraging them to indulge their passions, supporting their choices, helping them in every way and creating a supportive environment. environment. The Chinese, on the other hand, believe that the best way to protect their children is to prepare them for the future by letting them see what they are capable of and equipping them with skills, work habits and an inner confidence that cannot be taken away.

Sometimes in the yard or in kindergarten, in a store or in public transport You can meet a child who behaves differently from everyone else. These children are inquisitive and active, but extremely straightforward and unceremonious. They do not follow the rules of politeness, do not differentiate between their own things and those of others, behave noisily and willfully, not reacting to the attempts of the adults around them to calm them down. If you turn to his parents with a request to reason with the child, you will hear in response “the child is being raised according to the Japanese method, and nothing can be forbidden to him until he is five years old.” When you try to make inquiries about the “Japanese method of raising” the child, you will find out that its main principle lies in the words “before five years a child is a king, after five years he is a slave, after fifteen he is an equal.” The essence of this statement is that any prohibitions and restrictions are contraindicated for a child under five years of age; between five and fifteen years of age, the child is taught discipline quite strictly, even using harsh methods, and after fifteen he is considered a fully formed personality and a full-fledged, equal adult. person. It is argued that with this approach to education, the child, on the one hand, will be able to fully realize his creative potential, since in the key period for its development, restrictions imposed by adults do not prevent child development; on the other hand, he will grow up to be a responsible and disciplined person, since he will be strictly drilled for ten years in a row. What kind of “Japanese education method” is this? Does it really originate from Japan? What benefit will it bring to the child, and is this benefit worth it for parents to sacrifice their interests for five years in a row to the whims of their baby? Oddly enough, the Japanese themselves do not know about any “Japanese method of education.” Their society has historically developed in such a way that the basic principle of the “Japanese method” - “before five years - a king, before fifteen - a slave, after fifteen - an equal” is impossible. In a country that has been torn apart by war for centuries, in a country most of which is an earthquake-prone area, in a country where tsunamis are not scary tale, and a periodically occurring natural disaster, an uncontrolled child is doomed to death. If we add to this that traditionally Japanese families were large, and the mother had to look after several children at once, it becomes obvious that children in Japanese culture could not grow up in conditions of permissiveness.
The statement that after the age of fifteen a child becomes “equal” also raises doubts. In a country with strict patriarchal traditions, familiarity and equality between a teenager and the older generation is impossible, unacceptable and outrageous. Moreover, there are no rigid transitions from one style of education to another in Japanese culture. From a very early age until full maturity, both parents and society instill in the child a sense of responsibility and discipline. This is done using different methods than in European cultures, but the Japanese do not allow themselves to be either permissive or cruel in their upbringing.
So where, if not from Japan, did the “Japanese education method” come from? Oddly enough, this system originated in... Russia, in the sixties of the twentieth century. At the dawn of its existence, it was called the “Caucasian education system.” It was believed that this is how future horsemen are raised. True, the end of “slavery” was reduced from 15 to 12 years of age.
In the nineties of the twentieth century, active interpenetration of Russian and Caucasian cultures began. And the “Caucasian education system” unexpectedly replaced “citizenship”, becoming a “Japanese method”, but retaining its basic principles.
Well... the origin of the technique, of course, turned out to be a myth. But the name, as you know, does not affect the effectiveness. And it doesn’t matter whether the education system originated in Japan or the Caucasus mountains, as long as it gives good results. But does it give? Indeed, what are the actual results of raising a child in a “king-slave-equal” position?
The child is the king.
The technique states:
For the first five years of life, the “Japanese method” postulates the rejection of any prohibitions and restrictions. A child should not be restrained by prohibitions. Basic trust in the world and creative abilities should be formed without outside interference, as nature dictates, and not as adults impose. A basic trust in the world as a friendly place, self-confidence, and serenity are formed.
Comments from a psychologist.
In the first years of life, a child develops a so-called “picture of the world,” that is, a set of ideas about the world compiled by the child on the basis of his life experience. The child must do a lot important work- systematize all your knowledge about this world in order to understand what this world is like, what its features and patterns are, what you can trust and what to fear. Where is his, the child’s, place in this world, what are the boundaries of what the child can afford. An attitude towards the world and the people around us is formed.
It would seem that from this point of view the situation is developing very successfully for the child: the world is a benevolent place where nothing threatens him and where he can do anything. But let's look from a different point of view. The child develops a picture of the world. A basic picture of the world that will underlie all subsequent relationships with the world. And this basic, key picture of the world is formed distorted.
There is no idea of ​​the limits of what is permitted. There is no idea of ​​what is permitted and prohibited. The foundations of respect for elders and the idea of ​​the authority of an adult, including parental authority, are laid. The skills to interact with other people as full-fledged and equal are not laid down. There is no idea of ​​possible danger or threat; he is not ready to face aggression from another person. That is, a child who will soon need to go to school, where he will find himself immersed in society and separated from his parents, does not have an adequate idea of ​​the world in which he will have to live and act.
Instead of a socially adjusted, enterprising and vitally active, creatively gifted and easily adaptable leader, we get a spoiled child who does not recognize prohibitions and does not know how to negotiate with peers.
Child is a slave
From the point of view of the “Japanese method”, during this period the child must learn the rules of behavior in society, learn discipline and restraint. He is given ten years to learn order, develop hard work, responsibility and independence. After these ten years, the child should grow into a full-fledged and self-sufficient young man.

Psychologist's comments
So, the child’s fifth birthday has been celebrated. The candles are blown out and the cake is put away. And now a new milestone has arrived in the child’s life. And strange words invaded his already familiar and well-established world: “impossible”, “must”, “must”, “no”... many strange and incomprehensible words that simply cannot have anything to do with him. To anyone, but not to him.
Parents... parents also behave in a strange, wrong, unacceptable way. They don't fulfill wishes. They prohibit it. They do something completely unimaginable and terrible: they punish. This has never happened and therefore cannot happen. This is a terrible mental trauma, the collapse of the basic elements of a child’s picture of the world.
His entire life experience, all the long and eventful five years of his life, are called into question due to the terrible and inexplicable behavior of his parents. And the child begins to desperately fight for his familiar world, for his rights, for everything that has made up his life until now. A child has few ways to fight the arbitrariness of adults. But those that exist are very impressive and effective. Scream. Cry. Hysterics. Falling to the floor (ground). Intentionally hitting your own head against objects. Hunger strikes. Throwing and deliberately damaging things.
Accusations of parents that they “don’t love”, “hate”, “want to get rid of”, “other people’s parents, not mine” create such intense pressure on parents that the parents’ strong determination begins to turn into anger and aggression. And the war begins. The outcome of this war depends on whose will is stronger, whose determination is greater.
If a strong-willed child manages to overcome his parents who are less decisive than him, the situation of permissiveness returns. In this case, the child continues to be raised in conditions of permissiveness and the absence of prohibitions. However, the attempt to introduce discipline into his life does not pass without a trace. The child understood: adults are capable of encroaching on his rights. He becomes less responsive and trusting than before, as his trust in his parents is weakened by the “war for discipline.” Now it is much more difficult to come to an agreement with him and convince him of anything: his parents have already done something terrible, you can’t trust them, you can’t follow their lead. The child grows up selfish and uncontrollable. There is no longer a significant adult to whom he listens.
If the will of the child and the determination of the parents are equal, a long, protracted war begins. The child is coerced, forced, punished. The child is being “broken.” The child resists and takes revenge. The child begins to become embittered, becomes aggressive, cruel to peers and animals. Mean-spirited towards adults. The child is not broken, but is forced to temporarily submit. One day he will gain strength and answer. But for now all he can do is accumulate grievances and wait.
If the determination of the parents exceeds the will of the child, the latter still has to accept the new rules of the game. The picture of the world in which he was the greatest treasure, and his parents were loving and ready to provide everything and forgive everything, is broken and destroyed. The child is disoriented. He lost trust in the world and in his parents. He lost faith in himself. He is forced to obey rules and prohibitions, the meaning of which he does not understand. The fear of violence and aggression settled in him.
The child becomes submissive, but the very qualities for which he was raised in conditions of complete freedom and permissiveness - trust in the world and the desire for creativity - are most likely lost forever. Over time, the child will get used to the new rules and routines, begin to laugh and smile, but the trauma inflicted on him will never be healed. The child will not regain his former serenity, self-confidence and trust in the world.
In fairness, it is worth noting that there is a fourth scenario. An option in which parents, not through coercion, but through painstaking and long work on mistakes, often in close cooperation with an experienced psychologist, will still be able to raise their child to be a responsible, sensitive and faithful ally, a full-fledged member of society and a self-sufficient individual. But it will be a very long and difficult path, much more difficult than traditional upbringing. It is always easier to start from the very beginning than to correct mistakes made, and raising a child is no exception.
Child - equal
According to the “Japanese method of education”, by the age of fifteen, a child’s upbringing is considered complete. He has received all the necessary skills, developed into a full-fledged personality, capable of making informed decisions and being responsible for his actions, and now all he can do is get an education and gain life experience.