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Measures to encourage a 3 year old child

How to properly praise and encourage a child for good behavior: recommendations from a psychologist with examples

Through encouragement and punishment, parents influence their child. In this way they show their attitude towards the actions that the baby has committed. Encouraging children is a fairly effective method of education, as a result of which the child has an incentive to behave well. If he has done a good deed, do not forget to praise him. However, it is necessary to resort to rewards in moderation, otherwise its excess can have a detrimental effect on the development of the child as an individual. Why encourage and how to praise a child?

Did the child do something good? So it is necessary to encourage him. But how to do it right?

Praise and Punishment

According to the advice of psychologists, you should not often praise a child, otherwise this can lead to the development of negative character traits; the baby can become capricious, selfish and infantile. There are mothers and fathers for whom encouragement and material reward are similar concepts. They strive to gain children's obedience with the help of money. Reward has a strong influence on behavior and helps your baby quickly acquire good skills. However, not all encouragement will lead to benefit, just as not all punishment will cause harm.

This is common both in the family and at school. Psychological methods are not often used. They are characterized by the interaction and relationship of people who are characterized by the manifestation of approval (attention to the baby, empathy for him, support, faith, etc.) and punishment (sadness, resentment, indifference, anger, in some cases, anger). When using psychological techniques You will need to spend a lot more mental strength, as well as resort to acting. As A. S. Makarenko wrote, in order to become a teacher, you must be able to say the phrase “Come here” with 20 different intonations in your voice. If you use only material methods of reward and punishment, a person will grow up dependent, with low self-control, acting according to the situation: “If they punish you, they won’t punish you.” For a person brought up on psychological methods of influence, the main factor controlling behavior will be conscience.


The psychological method of punishment is the most difficult, since thanks to it the child must understand that he has committed an offense. And in this case, parents need acting skills

From this we can conclude that praise can be both useful and harmful in the education process. In order to avoid many mistakes, you need to learn some simple rules, thanks to which you will learn how to correctly apply promotion methods.

How can you encourage your child?

For various situations There are many effective methods for approving your baby. How to encourage a child in the family? Psychologists recommend the following forms of encouragement:

  1. Regular praise. This is the most famous and widely used method in which influence is exerted through words. This means that if the baby behaved well, parents need to support him, praise him, and approve of his actions. Praise is comparable to the effect of a drug, since a child who is accustomed to being praised will constantly feel the need for it. Praising too often can be harmful. The following restrictions must be observed:
    • do not praise the baby for his own achievements (for example, for beauty, health, intelligence, strength, etc.);
    • Reward for one specific achievement only once;
    • do not praise the child out of pity;
    • don't encourage to please.
  2. Weasel. That's enough too effective method, which is characterized by kisses, hugs, affectionate strokes on the back and head. Sometimes they are more effective than simple words. These measures are usually used in raising young children.
  3. Joint games and entertainment. It's pretty interesting method, which is usually resorted to if they want to force the baby to do something. For example, “We’ll go for a walk if you clean up the room.”
  4. Removing restrictions. When older children do good deeds and help adults, as a reward you can expand their rights or remove prohibitions on certain actions. For example, if your child gets excellent grades at school, he may be allowed to go to bed an hour later.
  5. Receiving rewards. Various toys, sweets or other rewards can help make children do the right things. The disadvantage of this method is that children often begin to demand such rewards for every action they perform.

Rewards in the form of money or candy can spoil a child. In the future, he will not want to do his duties just like that. And sweets in large quantities generally harmful

To achieve better results, you need to use different shapes incentives. In this case, it is necessary to take into account the age of the baby and his psychological characteristics.

Parental mistakes when encouraging children

It was said earlier that using praise too often can have a negative impact on both the child and your relationship with him. Make sure you do not make the following mistakes when communicating with your baby:

  1. It happens that because of the desire to leave a pleasant impression or receive a reward, children behave well only in the presence of other people. Most often, this is a consequence of excessive praise from parents or grandmothers: “You are the most beautiful in the world!”
  2. It happens that some children begin to manipulate adults. This happens due to the fault of parents due to the frequent “bribery” of children with various rewards for each action committed. For example, when a child gives his toy to his brother or sister to play with, parents rush to reward him by buying him a new one.
  3. Parents make a mistake when they praise their child and belittle the dignity of other children. For example: “You drew the car much better than Vanya.” You shouldn’t do this; it would be more correct if you tell your child that with every achievement he becomes smarter and more experienced.

A child should only be praised for his actions, and should not be compared with other children. Even if the kid didn’t do a great job, but he tried very hard, find a little reason to praise, maybe this time he wrote the exercise (albeit with mistakes), but in a more even handwriting?

How to reward a child for good behavior?

Incentives must be applied correctly and appear sincere, otherwise the baby may not understand them correctly. How should you praise a child? Here are some recommendations that it is advisable to adhere to when raising children:

  1. The baby must deserve every praise fairly. There is no need to praise him for ordinary actions characteristic of his age: this is not the first time that the child himself put on a jacket or tied his shoes. On the contrary, it is necessary to note his significant achievements: the baby brought a bag to his mother or drew a beautiful picture.
  2. It will be better if you praise not the child himself, but his correct action. For example, if your child has put away the toys in the room, you don’t need to tell him: “You’re so smart.” Here it is preferable to say: “After you cleaned the room, it became much cleaner. It’s so nice to be in it.” A general phrase will also not work, for example: “What a beautiful drawing.” It’s better to focus on the details that you liked the most: beautiful flowers, funny teddy bears, etc.
  3. Most often, children do not need praise or rewards; it is more important for them to achieve satisfaction from the work done itself. In this case, parents need to express the child’s feelings and support him in his quest for improvement. “I'm so glad you were able to learn to ride a bike. And you are very pleased. Now we can try to ride together.”
INTERESTING: how to use an authoritarian parenting style in a family?

Reward board

In the store you can now find an interesting set in the form of a board with squares and stars included. There you need to enter the baby’s name and the duties that he must perform (make the bed, wash the dishes, clean the room, etc.). For each completed task, one star must be attached and as a result of the work completed, the child must receive some kind of reward (agreed in advance).


Some parents organize a to-do list for their child. If all points are completed at the end of the week (day, month), the child will receive a reward

This method is characterized by the following features:

  • The method is well suited for children aged 3-10 years, but do not forget to take into account the individual characteristics of the child.
  • Do not write more than 5 points on the board.
  • In each paragraph, write down a specific action! You should not write: “behave well.” Write specifically: “go to kindergarten“,” “go to bed in your crib,” “put away the toys.”
  • The method must have a positive motivation. Once you have attached a sticker, you cannot take it back.
  • Thanks to this method, your baby will not only gain motivation, but also the opportunity to learn to count and learn the days of the week.
  • For completing a task at the end of each day, the child must receive his reward - an asterisk.
  • At the end of the week, come up with an additional reward, such as a walk to the park, your favorite cake, or something else. Emotions are much better than material things. If this is not possible, you can buy a kinder.
  • Such a board, for children over five years old, can turn into a family board. This game will help build relationships with children 7 years old and older. For example, it will be interesting for a baby to watch dad’s reading or mom’s cooking (these points are not particularly significant), but for the child this has important psychological significance. Accordingly, the prize should also be a family one.
  • It’s better to play this game 5 days a week, and on the weekends you can pamper your baby a little and still give him a reward.

Is it possible to reward a child with money?


Rewarding money, for example, for studying can harm a child. He will try to get more grades, but the quality of studies in difficult subjects may decrease READ ALSO: advice from a psychologist about a child stealing money from parents

There is mixed opinion about the monetary method. Proponents of this method say that if you pay a child small amounts every week for good grades or for another action, this encourages him to discipline. Opponents, on the contrary, believe that a child receiving money for everyday activities leads to the fact that he evaluates only the external result.

Some psychologists question the benefits of monetary rewards. According to experts, homework children should do it just like that. If you want to teach your child how to manage finances, it is better to wait until he is a little older. A student in the lower grades can already be given some money for pocket expenses.

If the monetary reward method does not suit you, parents with extensive experience advise replacing it with an alternative method. For example, instead of coins, you can give out colored beads and beautiful buttons. You can develop your own payment system with your child, where, for example, washed dishes will be equal to two buttons.

Why, for what and how to praise a child? In any case, the choice is always up to the parents. When choosing, do not forget to take into account the individual qualities of your child. Whatever method you choose, don't get carried away with excessive praise and rewards, otherwise it can turn into parenting.

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vseprorebenka.ru

Ways to encourage a child

It is necessary to instill in a child the skills of correct behavior not only through punishment, but also through encouragement, if we want to achieve the desired result in education. It is not enough to simply tell your child “No” to reinforce correct model behavior. Any “No” must be supplemented with: “Look, this is possible.” Also, a child, like any person, needs encouragement and affection for good behavior, right actions and success in something. But don’t forget that a child especially needs encouragement when he makes a mistake. The child should not form a stereotype: “They only love me when I’m good. But when it’s bad, no.”

Types of child encouragement

Praise. The most classic reward method. At the same time, it can be either productive or not. In the first case, the real successes and merits of the child are praised. In the second - non-existent. Obviously, you should resort to the first option and avoid the second. However, excessive, even productive praise can contribute to the formation of narcissism in a child or pathological dependence on other people's opinions. Therefore, it is better to praise not the child himself, but the actions that he performs, not forgetting to remind him that he himself can feel a sense of pride in himself, so that there is no need to receive constant approval of his actions from the outside. Example: “You washed the dishes! You are so great! You can be as proud of yourself as I am proud of you.”

Weasel. It is the most obvious manifestation of love for a child. But under no circumstances should you encourage your child in this way just “on business.” Affection should be without any reason, unconditional.

General affairs. Children love it when their parents spend a lot of time with them, walking, playing, inventing something together, etc. This develops a sense of closeness and trust. This type of encouragement, like affection, should be unconditional and joyful for both parties. As a punishment, a child can be deprived joint activities only if he committed a conscious offense, realizing that this should not be done.

Material reward. In other words - gifts. Very effective method stimulating the child to achieve success and good behavior. However, again, gifts should not be “tied” to a specific achievement. They just have to be there, motivating the child because he feels needed and loved.

Adding “adult” rights. Gradually accustom your child to the fact that you trust him and give him more and more rights. For example, permission to go to bed an hour later. This is considered the most effective method, which should also exist unconditionally, without being tied to certain successes.

Text: Maria Svetlichnaya

missmedia.ru

Rewarding and punishing children in the family

It is difficult to imagine a more controversial issue in education than the issue of punishing children. Should I or should I not? If yes, then how not to harm your health and psyche? If not, how to deal with bad behavior and teach order? Scientists and practitioners still do not have a common point of view on this matter. Let's try to understand this difficult issue today.

In our life, punishment and reward of children are the main methods of assessment. We use them to reinforce children's (and adults') words and actions that make us happy, and to block those we find inappropriate. From this position, the dispute seems pointless, because without an assessment (positive or negative), interaction between people is impossible.

We evaluate everything, everywhere and always: when we observe other (familiar and unfamiliar) people in transport, a store or theatre, when we watch TV and read books, when we compare their appearance, actions and attitudes with our own and draw appropriate conclusions for ourselves...

Rewarding and punishing children

We ourselves are constantly being evaluated, and this is necessary for us, because it makes life meaningful and meaningful - we are remembered, we are noticed and celebrated, we are needed. That is why it is so important for a child, who acquires all initial skills spontaneously through imitation, to have decent examples of evaluative activity!

Rewarding and punishing children

It is parents, whether they want it or not, who show how to correctly give a compliment, make a critical remark, rejoice at someone else’s success, analyze what did not work out based on self-criticism, etc.

So, reward is the acceleration of the formation of good behavior, and punishment is the inhibition of bad behavior. And it turns out that without punishment there is nowhere.

Then we must seriously think about its means and limits, about its effectiveness and purpose of resolving individual conflicts without creating new ones. In practice, we often go too far, make mistakes and multiply grievances that are remembered until old age.

We want the child not to do this again, realizing that it is bad. But in reality, he more often looks for ways to hide what he has done.

Rules for punishing children

If punishment is inevitable, then how to punish?

Obviously, all options for physical impact and moral humiliation are immediately excluded. They are the ones who traumatize and leave a mark, disrupt our relationships and alienate us from each other. And although supporters of the belt still exist and defend the effectiveness of physical punishment using their own examples. Although it is difficult to believe in this, because it is impossible to imagine a situation and an action when you would allow and meekly accept physical punishment addressed to you.

Think about it, is there anything for which you, an adult, today would accept physical punishment as due? There is confidence that there will be few reasons.

And since we do not allow this method of influence on us, therefore, this method is not applicable for children. Raising a hand against a small and defenseless person means showing weakness and showing the inability of the parent to solve problems.

Methods of punishing children

Therefore, the main rule of punishment is: punishment should not harm the physical and mental health of the child!

Child psychologists argue that the main consequence of the systematic use of physical punishment or moral humiliation is the formation in the child of low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence.

Rather, he will think about himself like this: “I am not worthy,” “I am not capable,” “there is nothing to love me for.” And this not only shapes his attitude towards himself, but on this basis his interaction with other people is built, which will be difficult and complicated by such an internal position.

Therefore, the main weapon of parents should be the word and the desire to convince, patiently explaining what upsets and pleases us in the child’s behavior!

Rules for rewarding and punishing children in the family

1) You need to start with praise, with a positive assessment, with an affirmation of faith in the child’s strengths and capabilities. In this case, the negative characteristics of actions will be perceived much softer by him, and the effect of the impact will be greater.

IN in this case we are talking about the fact that the child should have a deep conviction that you love and accept him unconditionally, and you can have a negative attitude towards his actions, but not towards him.

2) It is known that the same meaning can be conveyed in different words. We usually use the “you-message” form: “Everything is always falling out of your hands!”, “Where you are, it’s a mess!” and so on. It’s offensive to hear such words, even if they are true.

And the more expressively displeasure is expressed towards us, the more aggressively we will react in response! Compare with the form of “I-message”: “I understand that you didn’t break the cup on purpose, but it’s hard for me to imagine tomorrow morning without my favorite coffee in it.”

Such treatment gives rise to a feeling of guilt and a desire to make amends for it.

It would seem that this is a very simple technique. But mastering it will require some effort and overcoming the force of habit and stereotypes. It also works well when we make demands or predict the consequences of actions: not “You must study well,” but “I believe that you can study well”; not “You should think about the future,” but “I wonder who you would like to become, and most importantly, what?”

3) Any negative assessment and punishment cannot be delayed in time. They must happen immediately after the bad deed has occurred or been discovered.

And here your emotions are very important! Talk about what you feel and experience, how you are worried and what you would like to do.

Ways to punish children

This way you solve several problems at once: you express your emotion and reduce the intensity of internal tension (“let off steam”), eliminate the possibility of physical impact, teach how you can and should react.

The main thing is that emotion is indifference. And for children, the most serious punishment is parental sadness and non-participation. And if the next time you try to commit a bad act, he is stopped by his reluctance to upset you, you will have won one of the most significant educational victories in your life!

This recommendation also has another side: if you’re not sure, don’t punish. If you don’t know how, don’t feel that you can, in a hurry, without figuring it out, tell your child about your doubts and do something pleasant together.

Methods of encouragement and punishment in raising children

1) Punished - forgiven! Make it a rule not to remember your child’s mistakes, past troubles and their consequences. The feeling of guilt that is cultivated in this case does not give rise to the desire to improve and become better, not to more responsible behavior, but to the need to get rid of an endless source of negative experiences.

If the practice of remembering all sins becomes a habitual way to discipline and oblige, the child’s leading feeling towards his parents may become hatred.

2) Any impact must be individualized, and the punishment must be specific (understandable, short-lived) and rare.

Some authors of popular psychological publications offer parents an arsenal of effective means and methods of punishment, among which, no matter how correct they may seem, there will likely be few that are suitable for your children. And some are simply unacceptable.

Principles of punishing children

For example, punishment by labor or “penal labor” does not always contribute to the emergence of a love of order. Isolation, ignoring, a correctional chair are cruel methods of punishment that contradict the first recommendation and are difficult to tolerate for children with weak mental health.

“Punishment of strangers,” intimidation, “deprivation of pleasant things” speaks for itself, teaches you to deceive and not trust people. A scream, a stern look, a raised voice are also not evidence of your unconditional love...

Of all the proposals, “a fairy tale instead of punishment” and “personal apology” are nice, because they allow one to comprehend and accept desirable forms of behavior based on the proposed moral foundations. You can compose stories yourself or read and discuss ready-made ones with only one goal: the child should form a lasting connection - I act as I think, that is, I understand why.

3) Do not punish children during meals, play, illness, before and after sleep. It’s hard to argue with this and it’s nice to imagine that there is practically no time left for punishment!

Experts argue that punishment should be a “moral action” and have a learning effect. More often, punishment gives rise to fear, anger and the desire to avoid it next time.

Therefore, psychologists are not against punishment and not for impunity, but for humanity in everything: for the honesty of manifestations and reactions, for the unity of the requirements that we have agreed on and which are demonstrated by all family members, for personal example in everything, for consistency in educational influences, for the willingness to admit one’s own mistakes and weaknesses.

For remembering to reward good actions and behavior (which we usually take for granted). And perhaps then there will be no need for punishment?

Children cannot be punished. If a child is wrong about something, try to explain to him that this cannot be done and what to do in such a situation. The offspring must understand what is good and what is bad. Explanation is the best way to convey information. The word is the best weapon you have. Be patient in your upbringing and love your children with all their mistakes and mistakes.

Best regards, Olga.

healthilytolive.ru

How to properly encourage children? Forms of encouragement

Parents often incorrectly use such educational means as encouragement. Whether to accept this or that good deed of the child as usual and not emphasize it, or, conversely, to specifically note it and encourage it. How to properly encourage children in the family?

Encouragement as a method of raising children

Encouragement is one of the important means of education. By emphasizing something good in children, expressing trust, approval, and gratitude to them, we arouse in them a feeling of satisfaction with our actions, strengthen faith in their abilities, and inspire them to new good deeds.

When using encouragement, stick to a reasonable measure. In some families, children are given little encouragement, trying to influence them more with punishments, severity, and lectures. But this approach suppresses children’s self-confidence and makes them withdrawn and rude. In other families, on the contrary, they get too carried away with rewards, essentially turning them into a means of bargaining.

Here is a typical example of the incorrect use of encouragement as a method of raising children:

Leva! - the mother begs crying baby, - shut up, I'll give you some candy.

The promised candy appears in Leva’s still trembling hands. And he actually stops crying. The mother is pleased: what a good pedagogical tool! The mother does not think about the consequences of this kind of encouragement. And in a growing boy they develop the traits of a little “businessman.” and he is already “planning” future benefits:

Mom,” he asks, “will there be any presents for my birthday?” - Depending on how you behave. - No, tell me now: will they or not? - Why do you need it?

If they don’t, why behave well?

As we can see, Leva’s development is taking on a certain direction. We do not want to say that a child should be shamed for any desire to receive encouragement. This desire is typical for most children, and this cannot be ignored.

Why and how can children be encouraged, what kind of encouragement is there?

If your child studies well and behaves well, you can praise him or even reward him. But at the same time, it is important to take into account not only the results of his actions, but, most importantly, the efforts he expended, the diligence and perseverance he showed.

Abilities alone should not be rewarded - it would be as stupid as rewarding for... Beautiful face. You should be encouraged to try to develop your abilities, and this is revealed in the work itself,

Be especially attentive to children who find things difficult. They are more often reproached than encouraged. Meanwhile, they are the ones who need encouragement the most. In general, when using incentives, you should carefully consider the individual characteristics of children. And if it is very useful to encourage someone who is modest or who has lost faith in themselves, then someone who is self-confident and arrogant must be encouraged very carefully.

Please contact Special attention on motives of behavior. There may be different motives behind the good actions of different children. One student studies well because he is inquisitive and hardworking, another because he is proud and wants to be first in class, the third because his parents pay for every A grade. So can their successes be assessed equally?

Rewards are like sweets. Give your baby a lot of sweets - he will quickly get tired of them; Praise him more often - he will gradually stop paying attention to your praise. In addition, he will get used to the idea that good behavior is not his responsibility, but his merit.

What are the possible forms of encouraging children?

Firstly, you can encourage children with approval. It can be expressed not only by the words “good”, “correct”, “well done”. Look kindly at the child, smile approvingly, pat him on the head - and he will feel how pleased you are with his work and behavior. Entering the room, the father noticed that the eldest daughter was helping her brother solve a difficult problem. He nodded his head welcomingly and quietly left the room. This was enough for the daughter to become even more caring in helping her brother.

A higher level of approval is praise. Usually it includes not only a positive assessment of the child’s actions, but also its justification: “Mitya is great, he sits quietly at the table today and eats well,” “Our Petya is brave and fair. He protected a girl who was being bullied by a bad boy.”

Praise can be given different shades:

  • Praise-confidence: “Look, children, how much better Nadya has become in drawing. If she continues to try so hard, she will become a real artist.”
  • Example praise: “What clean hands Pavlik has! I wish all of you guys had such hands.”
  • Praise to one along with instruction to the other: “Seryozha, learn from Svetlana how to clean a room.”

An important form of encouraging children is expressing gratitude and appreciation for good work or deeds. Gratitude can be of a personal nature: “Thank you, Petya, you helped me a lot today” - or public, say, when a teacher at a class meeting expresses gratitude to a student or group of students for the work done for the whole team.

Another form of gratitude is a reward, when verbal appreciation is reinforced by a valuable object or sign. Awards are given to children and at school: gifts, bonuses, certificates of commendation, gold and silver medals.

How can you encourage children in the family?

In a family, it is permissible to encourage children in the form of a reward - a gift. It is preferable to choose gifts that have educational value.

A good book, writing utensils, a jigsaw for cutting, paints for painting are more valuable gifts than, say, sweets. It is necessary to take into account the age and interests of the person receiving gifts. What delights a child is not always suitable for an older person.

Of course, a gift in a family can be given not only as a reward, but also simply as an expression of parental love and care, for example on a birthday. This good custom comes to us from ancient times. The main thing is that the material value of the gift does not obscure for the child the feeling and attitude that the parents want to express with the gift.

A powerful means of encouragement is trust. A. S. Makarenko often resorted to this means. He entrusted former offenders with the protection of valuables, the performance of important public duties, receiving money from the bank, etc. A bold manifestation of trust, as experience shows, can become the beginning and cause of a person’s moral degeneration. Trust inspires a child. By trusting their children, parents appeal to their sense of human dignity and increase their faith in themselves and their strengths. This arouses in them the desire to justify the trust placed in them, to prove that you were not mistaken in them.

You should never tell a child: “You are a liar, I don’t believe you.” But you can notice: “You said a lie, but I believe that you will never do that again.”

A unique form of encouraging children can be the removal of punishment. After all, punishment is intended to correct the child’s behavior. And if he has repented and is really trying to make amends, this should be encouraged. The removal of punishment will mean for the child recognition and support of his active desire to improve.

In practice family education Various other forms of encouraging children are also possible - direct and indirect. At the same time, it should be remembered that the educational role of encouragement largely depends on the personality of the educator himself. If the father and mother are worthy of respect, authoritative and loved by the children, then any, even the most insignificant encouragement on their part will have a deep educational effect on the children.

No matter how much parents love their children, sometimes they have to resort to punishment. After all, by indulging your child, you risk raising an irresponsible teenager who will believe that everything is allowed to him. The main thing is not to go too far and not harm the child’s psyche. How to constructively punish a child?

10 rules for parents

  1. Be consistent. Use the same discipline when your child misbehaves. Do not arbitrarily change the rules of conduct or punishment without a clear reason. Don't ignore your children's misdeeds, even if you find it difficult to do anything about them.
  2. Set clear boundaries. Give your child an idea of ​​how to behave and how not to behave, from the very beginning. early age by establishing clear boundaries of what is permitted.
  3. Match the punishment to the crime. Little pranks or a first-time offense deserve only a warning, but deliberate disrespect or aggressive behavior will require a serious response. Keep in mind that children are not perfect and learn from mistakes, but they need to understand that their bad behavior is not acceptable.
  4. Don't punish for long. The child will lose the connection between the offense and the ban on watching TV if it lasts two weeks. Punishment should be short-term but effective.
  5. Keep calm. If you are constantly angry and raise your voice at your children so often that it has become commonplace, your anger will no longer affect them. It turns out that you will need to scream even louder for them to notice you.
  6. Present a united front with your spouse. Agree with your husband/wife general rules behavior and punishment for children. The child quickly realizes that one of the parents can forgive him and begins to manipulate him. Lack of consent can cause problems not only with your offspring, but also in your relationship with your spouse.
  7. Be a positive role model. Never forget that children learn by watching you. Make an effort to be polite, hardworking, honest, and perhaps there will be fewer reasons for punishment.
  8. Don't forget to reward good behavior. Disciplinary action is only part of the educational process. In addition to punishing wrongdoing, spend time rewarding good behavior such as kindness, patience, accuracy, and hard work.
  9. Talk about your expectations. It is important that your child knows what you consider good and bad behavior and what the consequences will be for breaking the rules. If he is old enough, he can choose his own reward for good behavior, if appropriate.
  10. Consider the age and temperament of the child. No two children are exactly alike. Therefore, you cannot use the same disciplinary methods on a three-year-old and a seven-year-old child. If you have a little melancholic growing up, then threats can harm his psychological health.

Methods of constructive and loyal punishment

Note to moms!


Hello girls) I didn’t think that the problem of stretch marks would affect me too, and I’ll also write about it))) But there’s nowhere to go, so I’m writing here: How did I get rid of stretch marks after childbirth? I will be very glad if my method helps you too...

Is physical punishment acceptable?

Perhaps no topic in matters of raising a child causes such heated discussion as physical punishment. Many teachers and psychologists unanimously oppose it, believing that spanking only creates fear in the child and resentment towards adults. To avoid spanking and cuffing, children become resourceful and learn to lie.

True, it is necessary to distinguish between the systematic beating of children with an officer’s belt and buckle and the reaction of adults to the dangerous behavior of a child. Surely you could see how a frightened mother spanks her baby, who ran out onto a busy highway and almost fell under the wheels of a car. In such extreme cases, physical pressure usually does not harm the child, since it does not involve humiliation.

It is difficult to imagine a more controversial issue in education than the issue of punishing children. Should I or should I not? If yes, then how not to harm your health and psyche? If not, how to deal with bad behavior and teach order? Scientists and practitioners still do not have a common point of view on this matter. Let's try to understand this difficult issue today.

In our life, punishment and reward of children are the main methods of assessment. We use them to reinforce children's (and adults') words and actions that make us happy, and to block those we find inappropriate. From this position, the dispute seems pointless, because without an assessment (positive or negative), interaction between people is impossible.

We evaluate everything, everywhere and always: when we observe other (familiar and unfamiliar) people in transport, a store or theatre, when we watch TV and read books, when we compare their appearance, actions and attitudes with our own and draw appropriate conclusions for ourselves...

We ourselves are constantly being evaluated, and this is necessary for us, because it makes life meaningful and meaningful - we are remembered, we are noticed and celebrated, we are needed. That is why it is so important for a child, who acquires all initial skills spontaneously through imitation, to have decent examples of evaluative activity!

It is parents, whether they want it or not, who show how to correctly give a compliment, make a critical remark, rejoice at someone else’s success, analyze what did not work out based on self-criticism, etc.

So, reward is the acceleration of the formation of good behavior, and punishment is the inhibition of bad behavior. And it turns out that without punishment there is nowhere.

Then we must seriously think about its means and limits, about its effectiveness and purpose of resolving individual conflicts without creating new ones. In practice, we often go too far, make mistakes and multiply grievances that are remembered until old age.

We want the child not to do this again, realizing that it is bad. But in reality, he more often looks for ways to hide what he has done.

If punishment is inevitable, then how to punish?

Obviously, all options for physical impact and moral humiliation are immediately excluded. They are the ones who traumatize and leave a mark, disrupt our relationships and alienate us from each other. And although supporters of the belt still exist and defend the effectiveness of physical punishment using their own examples. Although it is difficult to believe in this, because it is impossible to imagine a situation and an action when you would allow and meekly accept physical punishment addressed to you.

Think about it, is there anything for which you, an adult, today would accept physical punishment as due? There is confidence that there will be few reasons.

And since we do not allow this method of influence on us, therefore, this method is not applicable for children. Raising a hand against a small and defenseless person means showing weakness and showing the inability of the parent to solve problems.

Therefore, the main rule of punishment is: punishment should not harm the physical and mental health of the child!

Child psychologists argue that the main consequence of the systematic use of physical punishment or moral humiliation is the formation in the child of low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence.

Rather, he will think about himself like this: “I am not worthy,” “I am not capable,” “there is nothing to love me for.” And this not only shapes his attitude towards himself, but on this basis his interaction with other people is built, which will be difficult and complicated by such an internal position.

Therefore, the main weapon of parents should be the word and the desire to convince, patiently explaining what upsets and pleases us in the child’s behavior!

Rules for rewarding and punishing children in the family

1) You need to start with praise, with a positive assessment, with an affirmation of faith in the child’s strengths and capabilities. In this case, the negative characteristics of actions will be perceived much softer by him, and the effect of the impact will be greater.

In this case, we are talking about the fact that the child should have a deep conviction that you love and accept him unconditionally, and you can have a negative attitude towards his actions, but not towards him.

2) It is known that the same meaning can be conveyed in different words. We usually use the “you-message” form: “Everything is always falling out of your hands!”, “Where you are, it’s a mess!” and so on. It’s offensive to hear such words, even if they are true.

And the more expressively displeasure is expressed towards us, the more aggressively we will react in response! Compare with the form of “I-message”: “I understand that you didn’t break the cup on purpose, but it’s hard for me to imagine tomorrow morning without my favorite coffee in it.”

Such treatment gives rise to a feeling of guilt and a desire to make amends for it.

It would seem that this is a very simple technique. But mastering it will require some effort and overcoming the force of habit and stereotypes. It also works well when we make demands or predict the consequences of actions: not “You must study well,” but “I believe that you can study well”; not “You should think about the future,” but “I wonder who you would like to become, and most importantly, what?”

3) Any negative assessment and punishment cannot be delayed in time. They must happen immediately after the bad deed has occurred or been discovered.

And here your emotions are very important! Talk about what you feel and experience, how you are worried and what you would like to do.

This way you solve several problems at once: you express your emotion and reduce the intensity of internal tension (“let off steam”), eliminate the possibility of physical impact, teach how you can and should react.

The main thing is that emotion is indifference. And for children, the most serious punishment is parental sadness and non-participation. And if the next time you try to commit a bad act, he is stopped by his reluctance to upset you, you will have won one of the most significant educational victories in your life!

This recommendation also has another side: if you’re not sure, don’t punish. If you don’t know how, don’t feel that you can, in a hurry, without figuring it out, tell your child about your doubts and do something pleasant together.

Methods of encouragement and punishment in raising children

1) Punished - forgiven! Make it a rule not to remember your child’s mistakes, past troubles and their consequences. The feeling of guilt that is cultivated in this case does not give rise to the desire to improve and become better, not to more responsible behavior, but to the need to get rid of an endless source of negative experiences.

If the practice of remembering all sins becomes a habitual way to discipline and oblige, the child’s leading feeling towards his parents may become hatred.

2) Any impact must be individualized, and the punishment must be specific (understandable, short-lived) and rare.

Some authors of popular psychological publications offer parents an arsenal of effective means and methods of punishment, among which, no matter how correct they may seem, there will likely be few that are suitable for your children. And some are simply unacceptable.

For example, punishment by labor or “penal labor” does not always contribute to the emergence of a love of order. Isolation, ignoring, a correctional chair are cruel methods of punishment that contradict the first recommendation and are difficult to tolerate for children with weak mental health.

“Punishment of strangers,” intimidation, “deprivation of pleasant things” speaks for itself, teaches you to deceive and not trust people. A scream, a stern look, a raised voice are also not evidence of your unconditional love...

Of all the proposals, “a fairy tale instead of punishment” and “personal apology” are nice, because they allow one to comprehend and accept desirable forms of behavior based on the proposed moral foundations. You can compose stories yourself or read and discuss ready-made ones with only one goal: the child should form a lasting connection - I act as I think, that is, I understand why.

3) Do not punish children during meals, play, illness, before and after sleep. It’s hard to argue with this and it’s nice to imagine that there is practically no time left for punishment!

Experts argue that punishment should be a “moral action” and have a learning effect. More often, punishment gives rise to fear, anger and the desire to avoid it next time.

Therefore, psychologists are not against punishment and not for impunity, but for humanity in everything: for the honesty of manifestations and reactions, for the unity of the requirements that we have agreed on and which are demonstrated by all family members, for personal example in everything, for consistency in educational influences, for the willingness to admit one’s own mistakes and weaknesses.

For remembering to reward good actions and behavior (which we usually take for granted). And perhaps then there will be no need for punishment?

Children cannot be punished. If a child is wrong about something, try to explain to him that this cannot be done and what to do in such a situation. The offspring must understand what is good and what is bad. Explanation is the best way to convey information. The word is the best weapon you have. Be patient in your upbringing and love your children with all their mistakes and mistakes.

Best regards, Olga.

Types of rewards and their importance in child development

“What a pain it is to raise [these children]!” - Freken Bok suffered in the cartoon “Kid and Carlson”. And it’s always wrong to scold, and it’s scary to over-praise! Expert "Oh!" And child psychologist Anna Skavitina will tell you what types of rewards there can be, as well as how and what to praise a child for.

Imagine that your boss offers you a few extra days of vacation or a bonus if you complete an urgent project quickly and efficiently. Will this make you work more efficiently? More likely. What if your boss says he will fire you if the project is not completed on time? Most likely, you will also try to work efficiently, but you will be driven by fear, not by the expectation of pleasure, which is why your efficiency will be lower than in the first case. If the fear is too strong, the brain may become paralyzed by the expectation of punishment and begin to think not about how to complete the project, but about how to avoid the consequences. The result will be difficult to predict, and this takes into account the fact that we are adults and seem to know how to control ourselves.

For children under 10 years of age, negative modes of regulation do not work in the same way as many parents and teachers assume. “If you don’t do it, I won’t give you, I won’t let you in, I’ll take you away, I’ll give you a bad mark” - all this causes stress and anxiety in the child, as a result the brain turns off the “fuse” so as not to overheat, and cares about survival, and not about what it is interesting to learn.

You've probably heard that the "red pen" method, or constant correction, does not work, but the "green pen" method - support for correct actions - works?

What to do? Offer constant bonuses, praise and always support in everything? Yes and no. Alas, it's not that simple. Parents who constantly tell their children that they are amazing, magnificent, unique, the most beautiful in the world, the smartest and most dexterous, believe that they support the child's self-esteem and give him a ticket to life. happy life. In this way they demonstrate unconditional love for the child and for any manifestation of it.

Constant, excessive praise for every action can lead to the fact that the child begins to perceive it as background, and if one day the approving text is not heard, he will begin to listen anxiously and look around: “Where is my reinforcement? Did I do the right thing? Mom, do you even love me?”

Children who are constantly praised often feel judged and devalued at the same time. How come? “If all my results are noticed, then I am constantly being evaluated, I am under constant control. If I’m always praised, then it doesn’t matter what I do.” By the way, exactly the same thing happens if a child is scolded and reprimanded almost continuously.

“If I am the best, the most beautiful and unique, then what about the rest? They are all worse than me, and therefore they are worthy of communicating with me only in positions of vassals. And if these children claim leadership positions or at least equality, this is dangerous, because they will want to throw me off the symbolic throne and tear off the crown, so I will not be friends with them.” And as a result - difficulties in relationships with peers.

“If I am the best and the smartest, then I don’t need to strive anywhere or learn anything: I got brains from nature! What if suddenly someone becomes more socially successful than me?..” This may cause envy, but will not give an understanding of what needs to be done to achieve what you want.

Of course, parents who praise their children have the most positive intentions! They probably even remember how painfully they themselves experienced situations in childhood when they were scolded and not supported, and are ready to compensate for this through their child. Moreover, if you are surrounded by many mothers, fathers and grandmothers who constantly praise their children, you can feel social pressure: “Am I and my child worse than others? Why don’t I praise him all the time?”

Let's discuss ways to encourage children that will definitely help them trust themselves and the world more and will contribute to the children's independence, initiative and social success.

What types of incentives can there be?

  • Supporting words.
  • A smile and an attentive look when you approve of the child’s actions.
  • Hugs and kisses if your child doesn't mind.
  • The time you spend the way your child wants.
    Try to create a wishlist: a list of wishes, different things to do, events that he would like to do himself someday or participate with his family, arrange in the form of cards, attach, for example, to the refrigerator, and choose “prizes.” When parents have the opportunity and desire to encourage their child, they can choose from this list.
  • A surprise showing that you noticed the child’s efforts and now want to show it to him. It is important that the surprise corresponds to his desires, and not to what seems useful to the parents. For some it will be a trip to a video club with new games, for others it will be a trip to visit friends for an overnight stay.

Any encouragement is a manifestation of your love and the creation of an atmosphere of trust and development for your child.

“From the point of view of behavioral neurophysiology, the environment of development and education can be described as follows: support for attachment, understanding of personal meaning (why do I need this), creation of habit and trust<…>and I’ve already written about love,” notes Peter Whybrow in the book “The Brain: Fine Tuning.”

It is not only the quantity of praise and encouragement that is important, but their quality and the meanings that adults provide. Girls run the risk of starting to attach too much importance to their beauty if others praise it for it: they begin to think that they need to be beautiful, and not study and work, and this is the main path to happiness and success.

For boys, such a bias can happen when they are praised for their strength: “If you eat a lot of porridge, you will become strong and defeat everyone!” And they understand that the main thing is to eat porridge, defeat everyone, and not use their heads.

Encouragement and praise are ways to convey family and cultural values ​​that you share to your child.

How and why to praise a child?

Notice and acknowledge your children's efforts.

If your child is far from the first on his sports team or in school mathematics, but he persistently goes to training and studies, tries to solve problems himself or asks for help and does not stop, overcomes difficulties, then these efforts need to be noticed and supported. For example: “It’s so great that you spend a lot of time learning this!”

If the action is given to him without difficulty and effort, you can rejoice with him: “I see that you like it,” but you should not say that he is great: the child may feel like an impostor.

Reward for the process, and not only or not so much for the result

For example: “You seriously prepared for this test, solved many problems, more than last time, and the result turned out to be decent.”

Name a specific action that led to the desired result

For example, instead of: “You are good, obedient boy“It’s better to say: “You were so busy playing with Lego, playing by yourself in your room, and I was able to cook a delicious lunch.”

It’s better to motivate with joy from the result than with money or buying candy.

“You got an A, here’s a certain amount of money,” this is how we show that doing something is important for the sake of money, and not for the pleasure of learning and the joy of the result.

A good idea would be to celebrate a major achievement or the completion of a long process of work: a performance at a concert, a victory for a sports team, better grades on a report card than in the last quarter/trimester in the way the child himself wants, for example, by buying what he wants or having a family dinner. This way you recognize his efforts and perseverance.

Encourage trying new things

Experiments have the right to life! Even if nothing worked out right away, trying new things is not only interesting, but also overcoming oneself and a new experience.

Encourage sincerely

Children sense falsehood, and if you regularly praise them with pretense, they stop understanding where they really are doing well and need to continue to act in the same spirit, and where “parents always say that, but it doesn’t mean anything.”

Support all independent attempts, even if they are not particularly successful

If they don’t try, they won’t learn. For example: “You baked cookies, so great! Yes, today it burned, but this is the first attempt. What do you think we can do next time so as not to miss him?.. Can we have tea with him?”

Encourage children as they work, not just when they're done.

For example: “Wow, you keep doing this project, you put so much effort into it. You can be proud of yourself, you were so persistent!”

Focus on children's feelings

It is important to hear not “I’m proud of you!”, but “You can be proud of yourself!” And then you can add about the joy of parents.

Children are not our direct continuation, and their successes and failures are not our successes and failures. Children want to be seen as their personality, their efforts, and not emphasized “how much mom has done for you.”

Always encourage your child to take care of himself

Everything is good in moderation. For example: “You’ve worked so hard, maybe you’ll go for a walk, meet friends, ride a scooter?”

Of course, words of support and praise right time and in the right place do not equate to love for your child and the joy of having him in your life. You may have different opinions, you may like completely different things, but you teach him and learn yourself to be together with another person different from you, to respect his opinion, his space, to love him so dear and a separate personality at the same time.

Encouraging children is a very effective way of parenting, providing an additional incentive for good behavior. This is why it is necessary to use a variety of forms of praise.

But parents should be careful when it comes to rewards, as too much of them can have a negative impact on the development of the child’s personality. How to properly encourage a child and what should not be praised for?

Psychologists clarify that praising children often leads to the appearance of such unpleasant character traits as capriciousness, selfishness, and infantilism. Some mothers and fathers do not see the difference between encouragement and material reward, trying to secure children's obedience with the help of money.

Consequently, praise can become both a useful and harmful “tool” of education.

Several things will help you master the art of encouragement: simple rules, having learned which, you can avoid many educational mistakes.

How can you encourage your child?

In fact, there are many forms of toddler approval that work effectively depending on specific situations. What methods of encouragement do psychologists identify?

  1. The widely used and most common method of encouragement is regular praise, which involves verbal influence. Simply put, a child is praised for good behavior, his actions are approved, and supported by his parents.
  2. Another effective method is affection, which includes kisses, hugs, and gentle stroking on the back or head. Sometimes they are more important and much more effective than ordinary words. This form of encouragement is most often used for young children.
  3. An interesting way of motivating reward is additional time for joint entertainment or games. It is often used to get children to do the required thing. For example: “We will go to playground, as soon as you clean the room.”
  4. If older children behave well and help adults, they can be encouraged by expanding their rights and removing prohibitions on any actions. For example, schoolchildren are allowed to go to bed half an hour to an hour later for good grades.
  5. Toys, sweets and other rewards motivate children to do the right things. However, this method should be treated with caution, since many children begin to demand a financial incentive for each of their actions.

The best effect can be achieved using various ways rewards depending on the child’s age and psychological characteristics.

Parental mistakes when encouraging children

We have already said that thoughtless use of praise can harm both the child himself and your relationship with him. Check if you are repeating the following mistakes when communicating with your baby.

  1. Sometimes children behave well only in the presence of other people, wanting to get a reward or to impress. This often happens due to excessive praise from parents and grandmothers: “You are the smartest boy in the world!”
  2. Little manipulators grow up in families in which adults try to “bribe” children with various rewards for any good deed. Did your child share his car with his little sister? Adults buy him new toy etc.
  3. Some parents praise their child while belittling the merits of other children. For example: “Your drawing is much more beautiful than Masha’s.” It is preferable to compare the child with himself, pointing out that with each achievement he becomes smarter and more economical.

How to reward a child for good behavior?

In order for rewards to be sincere, appropriate and correctly understood by children, they must be used correctly.

  1. Any praise should be fair and consistent with the child's behavior. So, you shouldn’t praise or give gifts for behavior that is natural at his age: the baby once again put on a blouse, laced his shoes, etc. And on the contrary, be sure to celebrate important achievements and significant actions: the child helped his mother carry her bag, drew a beautiful picture.
  2. It is preferable to praise not the baby himself, but his good deed. If a child puts away the toys in the nursery, you should not say: “You are smart.” Say better: “After cleaning, your room became so clean. It’s very nice to walk into it.” And when praising, don’t get off with general phrases like: “ Beautiful drawing" Mark those elements of the image that you especially liked: bright flowers, a tree that looks very alive, funny bunnies.
  3. Often children do not need praise or rewards; what is important for them is to enjoy the creativity itself or a new achievement. In this case, parents can voice the child’s feelings and thereby support the desire for knowledge. “I’m very glad that you learned to ride a bike. You look happy and happy with your success! Now we will ride together in the park."

Of course, every family has its own rules for reward and praise. The main thing is that they help establish good relationships between household members and do not interfere with the upbringing of the baby.

Is it possible to reward a child with money?

The monetary reward method has both supporters and ardent opponents. Followers of this method note that weekly payments for good grades or small sums for washed dishes discipline children. Opponents believe that a child who receives money for household chores is focused only on external results.

Many psychologists also have a negative attitude towards monetary rewards. Experts are confident that children should carry out household chores selflessly. If you want your child to learn how to manage money, wait until he grows up. You can already give a younger student pocket money for small expenses.

Experienced parents offer alternative ways to reward good behavior. If you don't like the idea of ​​a cash reward, find an alternative to money.

For example, multi-colored beads and bright buttons will be an excellent replacement for coins. Develop a payment system with your child, according to which washing dishes will correspond to, for example, two buttons.

In this case, children should be able to “earn” something significant in a week so that they have the motivation to move on. Encouragement can be a joint trip to a cinema, a circus, or a visit to a children's entertainment center.

It is up to the parents to decide whether to use the monetary reward method.

Do not forget that when choosing a method of encouragement, you should take into account the personal qualities of your child. And even having chosen the best way, use it very carefully, as excessive use of praise and rewards can easily turn into parenting.