Getting over a breakup is difficult. It is difficult not only to realize and accept the fact that you are no longer together with your loved one, but it is also unbearably difficult to cope with the pain of a breakup.

But breaking up is a process. And like any process, separation has stages through which a person goes. There is a common expression: " time cures"But it is not time that heals, but a more or less correct passage through all the necessary stages of living through a separation. In the case of normal living through all stages, after some time the person comes to his senses again and returns to life. If fixation occurs on some stages or the stage was lived incorrectly, then you can suffer for a long time. In this article I will describe everything. 6 stages of experiencing a breakup, which will help you understand how people experience separation and breakups.

First, we will list all the stages to make it easier for you to navigate through them.

Now we will describe each stage in more detail and give exercises for analyzing and understanding our behavior at each of these stages.

• 1. Denial stage

  The denial stage is characterized by such feelings, thoughts and sensations as: avoidance, fear, numbness, blame, misunderstanding. Denial is the “cry of the soul” - "nooo"! This “no” reveals the oldest and most common defense of the psyche - denial. Its meaning is to cope with the difficult to bear pain of losing a loved one and important person, as well as with the loss of the integrity of one’s personality. This stage can be compared to the loss of any part of one's body. And denial acts on the psyche as a painkiller through persuasion "that's not it, that didn't happen".

  Denial has several options:

  We can deny the loss itself: sometimes this happens in the form - we are still dating, we just decided to see each other less often, and sometimes (in pathological cases) - a complete denial of the break in the relationship.

  We can deny the irreversibility of the loss: for example, no, he (she) is still with me, we just decided to take a break from the relationship in order to improve it, sort out our feelings and be together again.

  We may deny that the loss happened to us: the most common form of this type of separation denial is "I don't believe this happened to me"

  We can devalue the significance of the loss: for example, we have been going to this for a long time (and, in contrast to the actual acceptance of the fact, this is said only as a weak consolation to ourselves)

• 2. Stage of expressing feelings

  The stage of expressing feelings is characterized by irritability, anger, anxiety, shame, shame. At this stage, which comes after the first, a person, as a rule, already beginning to sense the reality of what is happening, experiences and experiences all possible negative feelings. Moreover, these negative feelings can be directed both at the departed person and at oneself.

  We put this stage in fourth place, although it is present in all the first three stages. It is characterized by constant attempts to find an explanation for what happened, to understand the reasons (“thought whirlwind”), and internal conflict (to return or not).

• 5. The stage of admitting defeat is characterized by the search for new ideas and the creation of a new life plan. At this stage, a person resigns himself or accepts what happened, and the psyche adapts. An understanding comes that it is necessary to live on no matter what.
• 6. Stage of return to life: increased self-esteem, self-worth, feeling of security. At this stage, the person returns to almost full life. Self-esteem increases, new meanings to live are found. The fifth and sixth stages, as a rule, bear the imprint of compensation, that is, the wound from the separation remains, but heals. But the main thing is that you still continue to live, and new people, new impressions gradually replace the image of the departed person in your life, in your psyche.

If separation has become inevitable and both partners have decided to take this step, then most likely the question will arise: “How to continue to live and what to do?” Separation is a concept familiar to everyone. Family psychologists claim that a person subconsciously considers it as a loss. At the same time, experiencing this loss, a person goes through certain stages of separation.

The first is denial of reality

The ex-lover cannot accept and believe that they have parted with him, and that this separation is final and irreparable. He is still making plans and firmly believes that the breakup is just a stupid mistake and that sooner or later everything will be the same again. He thinks that his significant other will call and say that everything will be fine and they will be together again. The first stage can last from three to five weeks to one and a half years.

The second is anger at a loved one.

The stages of experiencing separation are not complete without anger, because the realization that a loved one has betrayed and abandoned cannot but carry this negative feeling. Indignation gradually turns into aggression, and the ex-partner is accused of not wanting to maintain the relationship. Angry manifestations are purely individual, so some people skip the second stage and immediately move on to the third.

Third - bargaining and hope for the best

Trying to resume a former relationship, a person begins to bargain with himself or a former partner. For example, while going through the stages, a man sets himself certain deadlines (intervals) during which he will have a chance to make peace and renew his relationship with his partner. By creating such a time frame, he tries to cope with separation and get used to a new state - loneliness.

Fourth - depression and apathy

Awareness of one’s helplessness, and with it depression, comes when a person realizes that denying separation is pointless and nothing can be fixed. Negative thoughts gradually lead to despair, depression, apathy, insomnia, and sadness. All these conditions are a completely natural reaction of the body to stress. They can be especially acute in the fourth and second stages of separation in women.

Fifth - life from scratch

Life goes on, gradually a person forgets old grievances, meets new people, and stops living in the past. A second wind opens, and with it new plans, strength and hopes for a bright future appear.

Family psychologists say that the process of experiencing separation can last from three months to three years, it all depends on the nervous system of a particular person.

Factors and reasons

The stages of accepting a breakup depend on many reasons and factors. Perhaps the hardest thing here is nostalgia: at any moment, no matter how happy a person is, he can again plunge into memories. And while some experience these nostalgic moments simply and with a smile, others are once again enveloped in despair, anxiety, sadness, regret and even anger.

Experiencing separation from a loved one is very difficult. Parting is unbearable because it makes changes to an already familiar, established way of life. A lot also depends on who initiated the separation: if it was suggested by the ex-partner, then a feeling of inferiority and humiliation of one’s own dignity is added. The thoughts that a loved one has neglected and betrayed you are thrown out of your usual rut in life.

The most important thing is all 5 stages of separation, try not to linger in any of them for more than two to four weeks. It is very important to put an end to relationships, stop thinking about them, and start a new happy life.

The sooner a person lets go of his loved one, stops calling, writing, seeing him, the faster and less painful will pass the stage separation. You should not be afraid of a new life and new relationships, trying on them the sad patterns of the past: by letting go, sooner or later you will find the much-desired relief and spiritual freedom.

If you can’t get out of depression, psychologists advise doing an analysis of the relationship, and it is important to remember not only negative, but also positive moments, as well as what led to the separation. It is very important to draw conclusions and prevent mistakes from being repeated in the future.

The former partner’s reluctance to maintain friendly relations indicates a strong resentment that does not allow him to behave differently. In this case, it is worth thinking about what was wrong in the relationship.

with a man

The stages of separation in women are characterized by more pronounced emotionality and length. There are cases where representatives of the fairer sex were in a depressed state after separation for more than ten years.

Psychologists advise girls in particularly difficult situations to put on the mask of a successful lady, get used to this image and try to experience as much as possible positive emotions being strong and independent.

By acting on this principle and, as it were, living through a difficult life period for another person, you can not only restore your mental balance, but also find a new partner who can heal all mental wounds.

Another important factor in happiness is praise and admiration for yourself. It’s no secret that it’s quite difficult to love yourself again while experiencing separation. Self-love is the point without which the fifth stage cannot pass.

Forgiveness and acceptance

Very important point at the second stage of separation in men, it is forgiveness of the former lover and the realization that she also has the right to personal happiness and life with another person. During this period, you should avoid negative memories, discussions with friends, and especially calls and messages with unpleasant text and reproach.

In order to survive this difficult stage of life, you need to mentally let go of your ex-partner. Don't humiliate yourself and don't try to get him back. After all, even if he agrees to resume communication, he will most likely do it out of pity.

The longer the love union, the harder it is to survive the separation and go through all the stages of separation. In this case, psychology offers a lot of training that can help solve the problem and not withdraw into oneself. For example, separation is a chance to fulfill an old dream, an opportunity to change jobs, move, start new life. With a breakup, no matter how sad it may sound, more time appears that can be spent visiting museums, fairs, cinemas, theaters, and enrolling in various sections and master classes. The main thing during this period is not to sit at home and not give in to despair.

The longer, the worse

Getting over a breakup after a long-term relationship is always more difficult than breaking up a fleeting romance. In such a situation, psychologists advise not to despair and look at the situation from a different angle. Separation is a chance to start life from scratch, to accomplish everything that was simply impossible to decide on before. Failure in your personal life is to achieve heights in your career and become a true professional. This is a time of travel and fulfillment of desires. An opportunity to fulfill a childhood dream, take up dancing, learn how to make beautiful soap or assemble airplane models.

When experiencing a breakup with a loved one, the main thing is not to become discouraged and not allow obsessive thoughts about loneliness. After all, communication with family, friends and colleagues cannot make up for the warmth, understanding and security that existed before. No matter how interesting a person may be with his interlocutor, in his soul he understands that there will no longer be such pleasure as when communicating with a loved one.

Breakup with the woman you love

Men experience breakups more acutely than women. Yes, in everyday life, the strong half of humanity is distinguished by endurance, willpower and strength of character. But when it comes to breaking up a relationship, especially if it happens suddenly, without reason and on the initiative of a woman, emotions become very acute. It is especially difficult for men who are emotionally dependent on their significant other to survive separation. After all, addiction, according to psychologists, does not appear from love for your other half, but from self-hatred and the desire to fill the emptiness inside with compliments and pleasant words.

Typically, men are stingy with emotions and prefer to keep everything to themselves, which is why, when the adrenaline in the blood is off the charts and rage is trying to get out, it is likely that the stages after a breakup in men will be accompanied by:

• drinking alcohol in an attempt to numb the pain;
• playing sports, sometimes to the point of complete exhaustion of the body;
• promiscuity (a person asserts himself at the expense of others);
• traveling by car or motorcycle at high speed.

Family psychologists argue that the stronger sex reacts more sharply to the negativity that occurs in relationships, and this is due to the fact that the male psyche in such a situation is more susceptible than the female.

Self love

The stages in men and women are approximately the same. During this difficult period, the main thing is to love and learn to respect yourself again, because how we treat ourselves is how others treat us.

Having loved and accepted himself, a person will be able to move on and meet someone with whom he will share his feelings.

Only after time can one understand that the break was necessary and the new relationship is much stronger and more joyful than the previous one.

In order to go through all the stages of separation as painlessly as possible, psychologists recommend:

• enjoy every moment and rush to fill every second of your life with meaning, interesting events and new people;
• Separation is something that every person goes through, so sometimes you just have to gain strength and be patient;
• stop looking for shortcomings in yourself and believing that someone is better and more worthy than you;
• Do not write, call or stalk your ex-lover under any circumstances;
• delete from social networks and phone book data of your ex, do not follow his/her life and do not communicate with mutual friends;
• don’t be alone, visit as many interesting places as possible;
• sign up for a fitness class, a swimming pool or a sports club;
• learn something new;
• make interesting acquaintances, do not refuse dates;
• devote as much time as possible to interesting and important things;
• change image, buy new clothes, perfumes, cosmetics, accessories.

The above tips are not only very simple and practical, but also effective.

On numerous forums you can also find interesting tips about how to survive the stages of separation.

To solve this problem, users are advised to adopt the following techniques:

1. If the separation was initiated by your ex, do everything to make him regret leaving you.
2. If the relationship is going downhill, break up with your other half first.
3. Behave as confidently as possible when meeting with mutual friends; they should not know that separation is bothering you.
4. Stop feeling like a victim.
5. Do charity work.
6. Learn to paint or sculpt with clay.
7. Go through all the stages of separation as quickly as possible.
8. Find out the truth about your relationship from the outside, perhaps in the future it will help you build a happy union.
9. Change your surroundings, start traveling.
10. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. This advice especially applies to the stronger sex, because it is known that the stages of separation are much more difficult for men than for women.
11. Draw conclusions and do not repeat your mistakes in the future.

It is important to remember that men and women have very different views on relationships. And therefore, only that union can develop successfully in which both partners pursue the same goal (for example, starting a family) and are ready to listen to each other at any moment and find a solution to the problem together.

Breaking up is always painful, and after your loved one has left and you are left alone, you have to go through several difficult emotional stages, which are similar for most people. The psychologist tells how to live through them with minimal losses.

Olesya Fominykh

practicing psychologist-psychotherapist, hypnologist

On this topic

Negation

When you hear from your loved one that it’s time for you to break up, your first and natural reaction is denial. The psyche does not want to realize the fact that you are no longer together. Therefore, a mental barrier arises in the mind: “this cannot be,” “this is impossible.” At this stage, you are in a state of extreme stress, all reasonable arguments and attempts by friends to shake you up fail. It is important to give yourself time to calm down and soberly assess the situation.

Aggression

Gradually you begin to understand that the breakup has happened, and life becomes different. The next feeling that rises in you like a wave is aggression towards your ex. It begins to dominate your consciousness and spread to everyone around you. Loved ones in such a situation need to be very patient and sensitive. And you should allow yourself to show emotions: cry and talk with friends and family, scold your ex with the last words, even if he doesn’t hear it. Over time, the anger that torments you will begin to subside. To make this happen faster, get rid of things that remind you of your ex and photos of you together.

On this topic

Then you realize that aggression only harms you, and you can direct all your strength to getting your ex back. You make attempts to get in touch with him, to meet. At this stage, some girls may fantasize about how they and their loved one will be together again, how everything will be wonderful and wonderful for them. The problem is that in this situation, attempts to re-conquer once dear person they won't give anything anymore. You're just humiliating yourself. If the relationship is over, find the strength to realize that it will not return, get rid of illusions and move on.

Depression

Now you are fully aware that the breakup is final. Acute depression often occurs, which is expressed in isolation, lack of interest in the world around us, and reluctance to go somewhere. I suffer from insomnia, and even thoughts of suicide are possible. This stage is the most dangerous, so you should get out of it as quickly as possible. It’s useful to go somewhere, change your surroundings, and communicate with friends more often. Just don’t need to discuss the situation endlessly, switch to new hobbies! Enlist the support of your family, do not hesitate to ask for their care and support. If all else fails, be sure to see a psychotherapist.

Parting often leads to difficult experiences, and we are talking not only about parting with a loved one, but also about parting with children and friends. Breaking up a relationship is always a loss. Knowledge of the reasons why breakups most often occur, how they are experienced and how to preserve relationships that are important to you will help you avoid such painful situations.

What it is?

Psychology evaluates separation as the loss of a relationship with a certain person. But in practice, physical separation does not always mean the loss of a relationship, but Cohabitation does not at all guarantee spiritual unity. Parting is a painful process if a person is dear to you, if some important period of your life is closely connected with him. The most painful are separations from loved ones (spouses), children, and relatives. Parting with close friends can also cause pain.

A separation can be complete when contacts, by decision of the parties or one of the participants in the situation, cease in any form. A separation is considered incomplete, after which people maintain certain relationships - they communicate about raising children, about work, have common affairs, and have the intention of restoring relationships. In psychology, incomplete is also called a separation in which one of the parties refuses to accept reality as it is, time passes, and the stage of acceptance does not occur. This is a difficult case that requires necessarily the help of a psychiatrist and psychotherapist.

Parting provides a great life experience, painful, but sometimes necessary. In any case, a lot of useful things can be learned from it: after a breakup, value systems change, a person begins to better understand the subtleties of his own character, and knows better what he needs next from a future relationship. If people break up rashly, without thinking through the decision, then they have a chance to improve their relationship by drawing conclusions after reconciliation.

Causes

It is important to understand that the events themselves and the reasons that led to them are different things. If formally a couple breaks up due to the betrayal of one of the partners, then there can be any reason, but not the betrayal itself. The cheater could be driven to adultery by boredom and routine in the relationship, or the lack of productive interaction with a partner in a variety of areas. An event that is formulated as a scandal is not the reason for the separation, but only a reason, since the true reason, again, can lie in anything else. Let's look at what reasons most often lead to the collapse of relationships with spouses, children, parents, and friends.

Lack of trust

This reason is very insidious. Trust is the basis of any relationship; without it, friendship or love affair is impossible. It disappears gradually, sometimes even imperceptibly, little by little. People tend to give loved ones a “second chance,” to justify them internally, but only for the time being, as long as there is trust. Once it disappears, the relationship cannot continue. Jealousy, especially its pathological forms, and deception (if it is frequent) can lead to a loss of trust. Even deception in small things gradually forms into a “big snowball”, which one day, not the most beautiful, picks up speed and falls with all its force on the deceiver’s head, leaving practically no chance to save the relationship.

Priority difference

People call this “the characters didn’t get along.” People set different, and sometimes polar, goals for themselves and do not want to help each other achieve these goals. If the husband is saving for a new car, and the wife thinks that first of all she needs an apartment, then scandals cannot be avoided. If the mother insists that her son enter a university, and he joins the army of his own free will, then again everything can end in separation if one of the parties does not agree to accept the priorities of the other.

Priorities can also be intangible: for one it is important to grow professionally and spiritually, to study, to increase one’s value as a specialist, while the other believes that the partner is only wasting time by receiving another diploma, thereby belittling the achievements of the first. A separation for this reason may well turn out to be temporary, and if people reach a compromise or learn to give in, then the relationship can be saved.

Violence and manipulation

Violence is not only physical, but also psychological. Under plausible pretexts (“I love you,” “I worry about you”), one partner can impose total control over the other - check where and when he goes, where he goes, who calls him. Psychological violence is insults, reproaches and disrespect; these are direct or indirect prohibitions on maintaining relationships with friends and family, restrictions, and constant showdowns.

A victim of psychological violence and manipulation is usually afraid of doing something wrong, of making any everyday decision without the knowledge of the partner; if a strong emotional dependence on the tyrant is added to this, then the situation becomes completely unbearable. Children often manipulate their parents or parents manipulate their children; spouses and even friends may encounter attempts at manipulation from each other. Parting in this case is the most correct, and sometimes the only possible way out. Once started, neither physical nor psychological violence usually stops, but only progresses, acquiring more and more sophisticated forms.

Collapse of hopes and expectations

Everyone, when starting a relationship with someone, hopes and expects something good that this relationship will bring him. Often these expectations are not met. Difficult to see in cute young man a future tyrant or a miser, it is difficult to see a future cruel and unjust scoundrel in a growing son. When a person encounters some manifestations and actions on the part of another that did not fit into the picture of his expectations, he experiences severe disappointment, fear, and resentment.

If you understand that we build our own hopes and expectations, and no one is obliged to meet them, separation for this reason can be avoided.

Another option is to give up expectations and accept a person as he is with all his shortcomings and advantages, but not everyone succeeds in this. A breakup, if it occurs, can be reversible. But only after one of the parties understands the wrongness of the very fact of putting forward any of their own expectations and hopes to the other, and the other does everything possible to correct what does not suit the partner.

Dependencies We are talking about alcohol, drug addiction, gambling addiction, etc. Usually, at the very beginning of the problem, the partner tries his best to help the other get rid of. But there are promises to quit, but in most cases there are no real actions, and therefore a loss of trust comes into force, later the collapse of hopes and expectations, and then all the other reasons. In families where a partner drinks or takes psychotropic drugs, violence and manipulation are widespread, and there is definitely a difference in priorities (unless, of course, all family members drink together).

In this case, separation will be life-saving for a healthy partner. For the second person suffering from addiction, this will be a chance to once and for all rethink their values ​​and get rid of the habit. If he doesn't, it will be his choice. He has every right to it, but you can’t stay nearby - it’s dangerous.

Routine and boredom

This is the reason that often destroys “experienced” marriages. Sensations and feelings dull over time, and this is natural and normal. If they are not replaced by common interests, hobbies, common priorities and goals, then there is a possibility that the partners will simply get tired of communicating with each other. Loss of interest and desire can become the basis for adultery or leaving the family. Relationships are rapidly deteriorating and may well be complicated over time by any of the reasons listed above - from the alcoholism of a bored partner to domestic violence and the collapse of all expectations.

Household and financial problems

Financial disputes regarding how and how much to earn, where and to whom to spend are a fairly common reason for separation. This reason combines several factors: a difference in priorities and possible manipulations. But such separations, if desired, can be canceled and made reversible. It is enough to clear up all the misunderstandings and develop a new financial strategy in the relationship that would suit both. Most everyday issues are resolved in the same way. If people break up forever because of this, then with a high degree of probability, it is not this problem that comes first for them, but any of the above.

Money and fried potatoes were just the last straw in the cup of patience.

It is this feeling that destroys marriages, sends parents and children to different continents, and forces friends to completely stop communicating with those who until recently were close and understandable. Please note that it is resentment that underlies divorce for the reason “they don’t get along”; it is precisely this that accompanies financial and everyday troubles, a difference in priorities, resentment towards the world and oneself that lead to alcoholism and an escape into drug-induced oblivion.

By learning to forgive and not hold grudges, people can protect their relationships, whether with family, parents, or a circle of close friends.

Varieties

Parting has many faces. People who have made such a decision may never see each other or may see each other every day, they may forget that they were connected by some kind of relationship or remember about it and experience emotional attachment for a very long time. Psychologists distinguish several types of separation.

Constructive breakup- the causes are irremovable, correction is impossible. Partners have enough will and intelligence to decide to free themselves from such meaningless relationships and become free and ultimately happy, but separately. In such cases, the separation is not too painful, although it is possible that experiences will still take place. But after separation, people’s relationships are smooth, calm, positive, they do not cripple either their souls or the soul of the child, if he has one. Relationships are built on mutual respect, regardless of whether they were terminated at the initiative of a man or a woman. People look at their shared past without resentment.

• Unfinished Gestalt- there are good reasons for breaking up, but there is no strength to do it, coming up with reasons to stay together (children are growing up, there is a mortgage, etc.). It is in such couples that betrayal often occurs; children grow up in an atmosphere of chronic destructive lies. Both spouses admit that their relationship has not been the same for a long time, there is no passion, no sex, no trust, no relationship. But they are afraid to change something.

• Traumatic breakup- a decision made and implemented to separate forever. It is fraught with the accumulation of a huge load of grievances, although sometimes it can be constructive. Usually one of the partners is not ready to let go of the other, and it is in such situations that the most severe emotional shocks and experiences take place.

• Delayed separation- a proposal to break up for a while in order to collect your thoughts and make a decision, which can turn into any of the listed types of separation. It is not perceived as painful as traumatic, but only until the moment when a permanent decision is made.

• Pseudo-breakup- a specially created situation in which the partner, who became the initiator, actually does not want a true separation, he manipulates, trying to achieve something of his own, some specific goal. If a person supposedly broke up, this gives him the illusion of freedom, the opportunity to suffer to his heart’s content (there are people who need experiences in order to revive their fading relationships and dispel boredom). Sometimes such false separations become habitual, and the manipulator stops achieving his goal. Often, when the second partner’s patience runs out or the manipulator decides that the resources of the relationship have been exhausted for him personally, the next breakup becomes true and the last.

Psychological stages of experience

The experience of separation occurs according to the psychological laws of loss (stages of grief). The sequence of stages of emotional change is usually clear and one stage always follows another. For both men and women, the sequence is exactly the same, but there are nuances due to gender characteristics psyche. In order to survive a breakup and not become a patient in a psychiatric hospital, in order to quickly cope with your emotions, it is important to go through all the stages without missing a single one.

“I don’t believe it” – the stage of denying reality

The very first reaction to loss. A person does not feel pain, because for now he simply does not believe in what is happening, does not understand what is happening at all, does not allow the thought of it to enter his consciousness. The psyche turns on the denial mechanism when it encounters something unfamiliar and frightening. Denial protects the psyche from harsh traumatic effects and partially anesthetizes the processes that begin to occur in the soul. Denial has different shapes

- from the insistent assertion that everything was the same as before, temporary difficulties simply arose, to the devaluation of the loss - “this is what everything was going towards, this was to be expected.”

Pain, anger, resentment, malice

The anesthetic effect of denial wears off, and bewilderment is replaced by anger - “how could he do that?” Resentment, shame, disgrace, and severe anxiety appear. Emotions run high, and a person can equally direct his anger both at the initiator of the separation and at himself.

The anger has already been experienced, it is practically gone and, perhaps, the person has already found his first explanations for what happened, although he is still very far from full-fledged introspection and analysis of the situation. Immediately after anger, the pain becomes stronger, and therefore there is a completely natural desire to get rid of it. The first thing that comes to mind is to restore the relationship. This is where the suffering party becomes obsessed with the idea of ​​returning the loved one, the beloved. Particularly impressionable natures may begin to pursue a partner, write, call, demand, threaten, blackmail, lure with deceitful reasons, go to fortune-tellers and sorcerers.

Usually this does not bring results or causes the opposite effect, and the former partner distances himself from the person even more, fences himself off and begins to hide. Having realized the futility of his attempts, just yesterday the experiencer, inspired by a fixed idea, moves to a qualitatively new level of experience.

Stage of depression and stagnation

How severe the decline after it can be depends on the emotional and physical expenditure of strength and energy involved in the next stage. Depression begins, the person is lethargic, lacks energy, a lot of things lose meaning for him, what used to give pleasure can irritate or leave him indifferent. Sleep and appetite disturbances appear. I don’t want to do anything, not even get up and go to work. The pain decreases, sometimes it is no longer noticeable. But the stage is quite dangerous: if you live it incorrectly, then the likelihood of situational depression turning into a chronic mental illness increases. It is at this stage that the most a large number of suicides, revenge killings.

Stage of self-analysis and analysis of the situation, acceptance

At this stage, personal defeat is accepted. Understanding comes true reasons and consequences, it becomes clear where to move next. The person begins to understand that responsibility for the separation lies with both partners, and although regrets may still be present, they no longer cause severe pain. There is an acceptance of the situation in the form in which it occurred. Circumstances are seen clearly, without illusions. The advantage is that the onset of the acceptance stage indicates that planning for your new life has already begun. New plans, goals, guidelines appear.

Back to life

The end of the process of accepting loss is indicated by the desire to live, self-esteem grows, an understanding of one’s own worth and significance appears, and a feeling comes that the best is yet to come. The emotional state is characterized as compensated, in other words, the wound from the loss still exists, but it has already healed and now reminds of itself only by the presence of a scar.

Among women

The peculiarities of women's experience of loss are that representatives of the fair sex are more emotional, and therefore all stages proceed more vividly for them than for men. At any stage, except the final ones, there may be streams of tears, words and even hysterics. But this is where women’s salvation lies - due to the ability to release negative emotions, splash them out as they arise, women quickly complete all stages.

Women rarely lose self-esteem after a breakup; if it decreases somewhat, it is restored after the first visit to a beauty salon or store fashionable clothes. A woman has friends who can cry to her at any time, and there is nothing shameful about that. If a woman has a child, then he will not let him get bogged down in depression - he requires care, care, and performing certain daily actions.

Women are more dreamy, they more easily enter the stage of returning to life, it is easier for them to imagine a new amazing life for themselves.

The disadvantage of a woman's experience of separation is that the stage of false hopes and active actions is sometimes more difficult to experience. Not to mention how persistent women can be when they start stalking their ex.

In men

The peculiarities of the male psyche are such that for representatives of the stronger sex, parting is much more difficult, since they cannot afford to suffer bitterly, talk for many hours with friends about the actions of their beloved, “wash her bones,” and men cry extremely rarely. But in vain. Letting out anger, anger, and resentment with tears would help men get through the depressive stage more easily. This is where a man can get seriously and permanently stuck.

Men try to make sure that no one notices their feelings after a breakup. They hide them, suppress them, which causes the accumulation of negativity and disruption of the heart, blood vessels and other organs. Psychosomatics suggests that men live less than women precisely because they habitually suppress everything that hurts inside them.

At the stage of denial and anger, a man can indulge in all serious things - alcohol, casual sexual relationships. Only at the stage of acceptance will he understand that this does not bring significant relief, and sometimes even aggravates the condition. Men are sensitive to their self-esteem. An abandoned man is like a wounded lion. At first he will lick his wounds and dream of revenge, and then he will begin to blame himself for not being able to reign and for losing. This can leave a significant imprint on the nature of his future relationships - the more a man was hurt, the more likely it is that he will transfer some of the resentment, suspicion and mistrust into his next relationships with women.

How to quickly get over a breakup?

Those who dream of quickly coping with feelings after a breakup with a loved one will be disappointed - this process does not happen quickly. It all depends on the temperament, circumstances and reasons for the separation, on the person’s age and life experience, but in general you need to tune in to experiencing each stage in turn.

If at least one remains unlived, problems and complications may arise in the next ones.

The right attitude is a patient attitude. No stage lasts forever, and understanding this helps to bear the loss with a degree of philosophical calm. This share will be small, but very important. Psychologists advise not to try to fight your condition, this will only lead to suppression and accumulation of negativity; you should try to accept each stage as inevitable. The most difficult cases are separations during a woman’s pregnancy, immediately before the wedding, betrayal and infidelity. But you can also survive them and come to terms with minimal losses if you follow the advice of psychologists.

With girl

It is important for a man to remember that his task at any stage of separation is to preserve his dignity. This determines what his male self-esteem will be after leaving difficult situation. You cannot blackmail, threaten, stoop to insults and assault, revenge, to everything that lowers and humiliates men not only in the eyes of women, but also in their own eyes. You should not drink or try to quickly find another woman - attempts to artificially fill the inner emptiness are usually doomed to fiasco and an unpleasant aftertaste for many years.

After the aggression and anger have passed, you can try to talk with your ex, find out what her future plans are, perhaps she, like you, worries and regrets the breakup and wants to renew the relationship. If not, don't despair. Get busy and comprehensive development- read, meet friends, go fishing, watch interesting movies, overhaul your car's engine - you've probably accumulated a lot of things that you've been putting off until later. It's time to tackle them. This will help you get through difficult times easier.

With a guy

A woman definitely needs “helpers” - someone should listen and support. But there is no need to feel sorry for yourself. No matter how much you want to sympathize with yourself, it’s worth taking a different path - learning to control and analyze your emotions, distinguishing love for your ex from the fear of being left alone, of becoming a laughing stock. It is important to learn to forgive from the heart, sincerely.

While the stages of recovery after loss go through, a woman needs motivation - in order to work, study, and take care of herself. The best motivation is to understand that true happiness can lie in wait at any moment, anywhere. Will it be possible if you hide from the world, close yourself off from communication, walk around crying? It is easier to come to terms with those who do not lose their dignity - no matter how painful it is, do not stoop to revenge, rumors, gossip, blackmail (including by children). When it gets easier, such actions can be painfully ashamed.

With friends

Long-time friends who have a lot in common experience a breakup quite painfully, but not in the same way as lovers. Ideally, it is best to wait for time, talk to your friend frankly and still resolve disagreements. But if this is not possible, it is best to try to forgive your friend if he has offended you, ask for his forgiveness and part ways. Perhaps your paths will be different after all.

How to cope with depression?

It is important to deal with depression, if it has lasted for more than two weeks, not alone, but with help - relatives, friends, a psychologist or psychotherapist. If handled incorrectly, it can become chronic. It is important to set tasks and goals for yourself every hour, every day. The less time you spend savoring all the unpleasant thoughts, the less severe your depression will be.

After long relationship You won’t be able to forget the pain right away; the pain must go away on its own. Compare your condition with a wound or the flu - even if you really want to get rid of the disease, you won’t be able to do it ahead of schedule; the disease will recede when the body completely copes with the virus or the wound heals. It's the same with mental wounds.

But you can alleviate the disease by taking painkillers; in the case of depression after a breakup, such a pill will be constant intense activity - at home, at work, in public, helping relatives and friends.

How to save a relationship?

Knowing the reasons why breakups most often occur will help preserve existing relationships. Look at them again and note for yourself that for the success of a relationship it is important that there is trust in them, that there is no violence and suppression, that people, in addition to love, have common interests and hobbies. Passion will pass one day, but the commonality of interests will remain and will help you overcome all difficulties together. It is important to take into account your partner’s opinion, but not to forget about your own life. The victims are inappropriate.

The famous psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky recommends going through a breakup with your head held high, forbidding yourself to even think about being abandoned or betrayed. Such thoughts do not increase self-confidence and positive thinking. He also makes the following recommendations.

• Don't lose yourself in someone else, remember about yourself - if your partner left you, with a high degree of probability he has already stopped loving you, then why should you suffer and suffer, dream of returning to the relationship? Relationships with people you don't love usually aren't the warmest.
• All couples have difficulties in life., like quarrels and misunderstandings, but only those that were initially weak and insolvent, flawed, if you like, fall apart. Therefore, what happened should be assessed from the position that everything happened fairly and correctly - you both have long deserved happiness. Together it is impossible.

• Don't rush, give yourself time- On average, it takes about a year to get rid of the stress caused by a breakup. For some this process is longer, for others it is faster. But everyone, without exception, goes through it; no one has ever remained in the stages of experiencing loss forever.
• Don't blame yourself for anything. It's not your fault what happened. And this is not the partner’s fault either. It just happened that way, that's the way it happened. Accept this and look at the relationship with respect and gratitude (there were good things!), and at yourself with sincere love. You are beautiful, amazing, individual. And someone is now looking in the big white world not even for a person like you, but specifically for you.

Mikhail Labkovsky argues that wallowing in suffering and self-criticism or continuing to live a full life filled with love, friendship, and joy is only your choice. It is not your partner who drives you into depression, but you yourself decide to be depressed. If you take responsibility for what happens to you, then it will be much easier to survive the loss and stress.