Divorce is always a big stress for both spouses. Family breakdown is accompanied by severe emotional experiences associated with constant showdowns, scandals, mutual reproaches and accusations, the need to divide property, etc. But this situation becomes especially dramatic for children in the family. How do they cope with their parents' divorce? What can I do to injure them as little as possible?

There are many reasons for divorce, it all depends on the specific family. This may include disharmony in sexual relationships, betrayal of one of the spouses, domestic and material problems, and many others. However, often the real reason for divorce is boredom and the routine of family life. The alienation of spouses from each other may look like the husband immersing himself entirely in work, forgetting about household chores, and the wife spending more and more time talking with friends.

As a rule, spouses decide to divorce when living together becomes unbearable. Most ex-spouses cannot maintain respect for each other. Unfortunately, children often find themselves drawn into “squabbles” between their parents, becoming a weapon of struggle or a subject of division. Each parent tries to undermine the authority of the other in the eyes of the child. We must not forget that if for spouses divorce is a kind of liberation, then for a child it is always a lot of stress and mental trauma. Therefore, in cases of divorce, you need to know how to behave correctly and what to do.

What and how to say?
This is the most important question that all divorcing spouses ask themselves. How can you make your child's experience of their parents' divorce less traumatic? It’s not very easy, I’ll tell you. Naturally, there is no single recipe for everyone, but there are a number of techniques, the use of which can significantly affect the emotional atmosphere in the family.

In no case should anything be hidden from the child in this situation, since any omissions only increase the children’s fear, nervous tension, curiosity, and cause many absurd and terrible fantasies in their heads. Moreover, sooner or later children will find out about it anyway. Therefore, take care of the child’s feelings, sincerely and clearly tell him how things are, so that he does not feel guilty (as happens) in the current situation. In your explanations, you need to take into account the child’s age, his individual characteristics, and the ability to understand the current situation. On the other hand, it is clear that it is simply impossible to tell a child completely about your relationship with your husband without traumatizing him. Very important point The thing about divorce is that you don’t need to transfer the negative emotions that you experience in the current situation onto your child.

It is correct to give your child a simple and understandable explanation, which will play an important role in the development of your future relationship with your ex-spouse and child. It is best to postpone a conversation with a small child until he himself begins to ask you about his dad. Young children are usually told this: “Daddy won’t live with us anymore, he’s moving to another place, but he will come to us, and you will see him as much as you want.” Naturally, this must be supported by the conscious agreement of the parents.

It’s best not to explain in detail the reason for your divorce to teenagers, and of course, you shouldn’t talk about your husband’s insolvency, which caused the breakup of the family. In addition, you should not tell your teenager about your husband’s adultery or other situations that in any way humiliated your dignity. Under no circumstances, no matter how much you would like, do not talk in the presence of a child or him himself bad about his father, whom he loves as much as you. It is important that the child knows that both parents are responsible for the divorce.

It is very important to separate the relationship of the ex-spouses from the relationship with the children. The child must have a clear idea of ​​what his relationship with his father will be like in the future, and whether he will see him. It is very important for a child of any age to know whether his parents, after a divorce, will also love him and whether they will always take care of him. Therefore, in clear and accessible language, it is necessary to talk about all the “nuances” of his future life.

Another important fact is that girls are much more likely than boys to carry feelings about their parents’ divorce within themselves, although outwardly they may look as usual and not show their suffering in any way. Internal experiences can cause decreased performance, rapid and unreasonable fatigue, depression, lack of communication with friends, tearfulness, and irritability. Various kinds of eczema, stuttering, gastritis, obsessive movements - all this is a manifestation of internal tension that parents should think about. Everything she talks about, she really feels, and your main task is to prevent the consolidation of such sensations, as this leads to various somatic diseases. During this period, it is recommended to give the girl as much time and attention as possible. Many of the girls, who outwardly could be said to have overcome the crisis, suddenly became deeply troubled in adulthood, lost the ability to choose, and experienced fear of betrayal and betrayal in sexual relationships.

Don't make your child a psychotherapist.
As a rule, many people find it very difficult to cope with the situation when it is necessary to correctly tell a child about a divorce from a spouse, often increasing the child’s feelings about the divorce. The truth is that very often adults are not able to control their own emotions and experiences by changing their attitude towards the child. Some people blame the child for the breakup of the family and talk about it without an ounce of embarrassment, some are focused only on raising the child, some see the negative traits of their ex-husband in the child or rejoice in their absence. In any case, the mental disharmony that progresses in a divorced person affects the upbringing of the child.

Some adults, preoccupied with their own misfortune, tell the child all the details, forcing him to become a judge. Children quite often become eyewitnesses to proceedings between parents when they do not watch their words and expressions. A husband leaving the family is perceived by his wife as a traitor, a scoundrel. The feeling of injustice and anger that a woman experiences in such a situation is reflected in her behavior. In such situations, children usually take the mother's side. But there is also back side medals: “If mom made such a mistake, it means she doesn’t understand everything either.” What follows is a decline in the mother's authority in the eyes of the child.

Therefore, do not expect an adult understanding of the situation from your child - this will only add disappointment to family life for all of you. Whatever your future relationship with your ex-husband, he will still remain the father of the children, and you will have to make most of the decisions regarding raising the child together with him.

Life after divorce.
The period after divorce is a very difficult period in the life of a family. All worries and problems fall on the mother’s shoulders, primarily financial and housing ones. Therefore, during this period, a woman must be very strong, despite all the circumstances, since children will undoubtedly experience the divorce of their parents very hard. During this period, it is necessary to avoid common mistakes as much as possible. For example, when a desperate woman begins to share her experiences and grievances with her child. This should not be done, since the child may not understand, due to his age, the reason for the worries and will blame himself for everything.

Another common mistake is that a woman wants to replace the child’s father, making double efforts. Usually in such situations, mothers are too strict with the child, especially if it is a boy, or, on the contrary, they are too soft and cajole the child with gifts. Women feel empty, the feeling of fatigue does not go away. However, psychologists argue that guilt is the basis of such behavior. The woman considers herself guilty of being unable to save the family and depriving the child of his father. In such a situation, you need to remember why you divorced your husband. Surely to improve the life of your child and, of course, your own. Remember that even in single-parent families, children grow normally and become psychologically healthy individuals.

It happens that a mother begins to shift the blame for all her failures onto the child. She feels angry that the child wants to see and communicate with his father; she is annoyed that the child does not share her grief with her. In such situations, there is a conflict situation in the family, and breakdowns are possible. In such cases, it is necessary to urgently consult a psychologist.

New life.
First of all, you need to give the child time to get used to the situation. He is also confused, so he may behave inappropriately. Since all children experience their parents’ divorce differently, it is necessary to carefully monitor the child’s behavior. If any changes appear, take him to see a psychologist.

In the first six months of life after a divorce, it is necessary to provide the child with a calm and predictable routine. If the father wants to see the child, do not oppose this in any way, but only encourage it. You should not be afraid that your child will love you less, because during this period he needs both parents. If the child's father for some reason does not want to spend time with the child, it is necessary to replace him with someone, for example, a grandfather or male friends. And most importantly, pay more attention to children during this period.

Of course, it will be better for children's mental health if they are raised in two-parent families. Family breakdown can affect them in different ways. According to sociological research, most children do not experience any psychological problems as a result of their parents’ divorce. A situation where parents constantly sort things out in a raised voice is more traumatic for the child, because as adults, they have an increased risk of divorce in their own family. For teenagers who are just entering adult life, it is socially more prestigious if they are raised in a complete family. In addition, for a child, divorce is accompanied by financial difficulties that undermine his position in society.

Good day to all readers and guests of the ShkolaLa blog. My name is Evgenia Klimkovich. And I invite you to a difficult conversation. The topic of the article today is divorce. Or more precisely, how to help a child survive his parents’ divorce. Well, I’m sure no one doubts that help in this situation is needed like air.

Lesson plan:

Divorce! And maiden name

I don’t think there is any need to waste time arguing that divorce in a family is a disaster, a disaster, that it is very difficult for both adults and children. If this happened or is happening to you right now, then you know and feel it no worse than I do.

How do I know this? The fact is that when I was 10 years old, my parents also divorced. And I remember very well how it was. And it was terrible, scary, incomprehensible, bitter. No, don’t think that this situation was accompanied by screams, scandals, quarrels or, God forbid, fights. Everything was quiet and peaceful. We lived well, amicably, so it seemed to me. No one ever swore or even raised their voice.

And suddenly BAM! And like a bolt from the blue... And everything collapsed, exploded, broke. And I couldn’t do anything about it, which made me very, very painful.

I won’t go into details for you now. Because the purpose of this article is not to cry into your vest and not to make you feel sorry for yourself. And especially not to judge my dear parents. They are wonderful people, the best in the world. We all just tend to make mistakes.

The goal is to help parents avoid possible mistakes during a divorce in relation to small family members. After all, any such mistake, any wrong action of father and mother can affect the future life and fate of sons and daughters. But we, without exception, want our children to be happy. Is it true?

In America there is such a practice. Before divorcing, couples with children are required to undergo special psychological courses. There they are explained how to behave in divorce proceedings, how to communicate with a child, and how to build their lives later. It's a pity that we don't have such courses. Although, of course, you can just go to a psychologist for advice. But who does that? Maybe a few?

However, advice from psychologists on this matter is available. They can be found on the Internet, in magazines, in newspapers, and on television. You will find them in this article. Well, I will try to back up these tips with my own experience. Bring, so to speak, alive real examples. Show what will happen if the tips given below are neglected. Perhaps this will help someone.

Do not be silent!

So, any psychologist will advise you to talk to your child. Do not remain silent, do not make a secret of the divorce. You need to prepare for a difficult conversation and approach it with all seriousness. It is better if both mom and dad take part in the conversation, and not one of the parents.

This conversation is very important; the child will remember it forever. And his future well-being depends on how and what his parents say. It is impossible, it is very dangerous to keep children in the dark about what is happening. Otherwise, they then come up with something for themselves that you will be tormented to understand.

It is important to tell the truth, to speak honestly. This, of course, does not mean that you need to go into some sensitive adult subtleties and details. It is important to find a middle ground in a conversation. The main points that need to be conveyed to the child’s consciousness.

1. His parents are divorcing not him, but each other.
2. Why do they do this? Because they can no longer live together under one roof. Because they can prevent each other from being happy.
3. This does not mean that the child has become unnecessary for mom or dad. This situation will not affect his parents' love for him in any way.

And one more important point.

Be sure to tell your beloved little man several times, very confidently, that he is NOT TO GUILTY in this situation! It is important that he understands this. Otherwise, expect a severe guilt complex.

I completely agree with this advice. This is where my parents made a mistake. Do you know how it happened? Just one fine evening, my dad came into my room and asked: “Can my mom and I get a divorce?” To say that I was shocked... To say nothing... Of course, I said that it was impossible, that there was no need to get a divorce. But naturally, these prohibitions of mine did not bring any results.

No one talked to me about anything anymore, no one explained anything. Apparently they just didn’t understand, didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t bother asking questions myself. I felt that it was not easy for my parents, I tried not to upset them. So I hung around in some kind of prostration, completely not understanding what was happening.

Don't change everything suddenly and at once

Psychologists do not advise parents to allow big changes in other areas of the child’s life during a divorce. It is clear that divorce is often accompanied by an exchange of apartments and a move to a new place of residence. And in connection with this, children are transferred to new kindergartens or new schools.

Believe me, this is not the right time for such drastic changes. Or rather, the most NOT suitable!

Even if now the school is far from home and you have to get up early every morning and go to study, it is better not to transfer.

How was it for me? But everything was the other way around. I was transferred to a new school immediately. And I can say that psychologists are 100% right with this advice. It's hard to lose everything at once. And the former beloved home, and dad, and the beloved class, and friends, and teachers. The whole old world, in which it was so good. Everything in my head turns upside down. You feel complete confusion, you lose your point of support.

Watch carefully

Psychologists recommend closely monitoring the child’s psycho-emotional state. Notice any changes in his mood, unusual manifestations in his behavior at school and at home. And if changes are noticed, it is necessary to deal with them as quickly as possible. Understand their reasons.

Maybe you didn’t say something, didn’t explain something? If you can’t figure it out on your own, contact a psychologist or a specialist. Don’t brush off problems, don’t expect them to go away on their own. Don't expect time to heal it.

Spend as much time as possible with your son or daughter, involve him in business, ask for advice. Be interested in problems at school and at home. Organize your leisure time. Even if it is very difficult for you yourself, do not let your child feel unwanted and abandoned. This is especially true for the parent who now lives separately. Most often it is dad. If dad promised to be on Saturday, then he should be! That's all!

The feeling of uselessness leads to a major decrease in self-esteem. And this can lead to dire consequences.

After the divorce and move there was such a case. We agreed to meet with dad. I've been waiting all week. On Saturday, as agreed, I came to his house. I called and knocked, but no one answered. I waited for him in front of the closed door for about 3 hours. But he never showed up. I was very upset then. Plus there were problems at the new school.

So what did I do? You'll never guess) I went into the forest! Fortunately, our small city stood in the middle of the taiga. For what? Well, obviously, not for mushrooms)

I planned to get lost in the forest. Again, why? And in order for everyone (especially dad) to start worrying about me, they ran to look for me. Naturally, I had no doubt that they would find me. And then they all (especially dad) will understand that they can’t do this to me. That I need to be loved. After all, I love them all. She walked through the forest, crying. I walked for a long time. But I never got lost. Fortunately. Now I remember this with horror.

So, keep in mind Dear Parents. Children who are in such a depressed state, harboring a grudge, confused and lost, can make the most incredible decisions, which will seem quite logical to them, and will add gray hair to you. So more attention and more responsibility.

Respect each other

For the sake of the happiness of their children, parents, no matter how much they are dissatisfied with each other, must treat each other with respect. Psychologists are sure of this. Under no circumstances should you try to denigrate your ex-spouse in the eyes of your child. These husbands and wives may be different, but for the baby it is only mom and dad. Never forget this.

It is also harmful to use children as a weapon to put pressure on your ex. For example, prohibit a child from meeting with his father if the ex-husband does not fulfill some of your conditions. By doing this you are hitting the child too. Do you want that?

Here you can give my parents an A! Even a six. With a plus! They tried to remain, if not friends, then good acquaintances. I never heard a bad word about each other from them. And this made me very happy.

Have a conversation with those closest to you

We are talking about grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles. With those who maintain fairly close relationships with children. They must behave correctly. And even if they do not agree with your decision to end the marriage, they should not take out their dissatisfaction on the child.

My beloved grandmothers and my father’s mother and mother, they loved me very much. And they were very worried about everything that was happening. I often visited them. And every time I saw tears in their eyes and heard lamentations about what a poor girl I was, how did it happen, it was bad luck, etc. and so on. They constantly brought me back into the horror from which I was trying to get out.

Advise family members to control themselves. And if you really want to talk it out, then it’s better to talk to you in person.

It is much harder to control teachers. But they can also contribute their two cents. Although, what pennies? Rubles! I still remember how my favorite teacher, having learned what was happening in my family, gave a brilliant phrase: “How did you, Evgenia, allow this to happen? Why didn’t you do anything?” How do you like it? It's funny, honestly.

But at the age of 10 I had no time to laugh. Well, how could the teacher know that I would believe her 100%, and this phrase of hers would become the source of a huge guilt complex that would live in my head for the next 20-plus years and would not allow me to be happy in my marriage.

Of course, it was impossible for the parents to foresee this situation. And we can only hope for common sense teachers who have a huge influence on children, especially in primary school. Well, here we return to tip No. 1. Talk to your child, honestly, frankly, explain what is happening. After all, he would rather listen to his parents than to his teachers.

I'll wrap this up. And I really hope that you will never need this information.

And I also want to invite you to watch an interesting mini-film called “Mother Doll.” This resonates with our theme. Be sure to check it out. Very lifelike, and with elements of miracle.

I wish that peace, fun, kindness and love always reign in your family. Take care of each other! And be happy together)

Always yours, Evgenia Klimkovich.

Remember the rule: put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then on the child? The same applies in a situation of divorce - first stabilize your own condition, otherwise you will not be able to help the child. What do you need to do to bring yourself to your senses?

1. Become aware of what is happening to you

Going through a divorce is similar to grieving for a deceased person. A woman goes through the same stages:

• shock - the woman does not believe what happened;
• anger - attacks of uncontrollable aggression, anger, hatred;
• bargaining - a woman agrees to do anything to get her husband back;
• awareness - understanding of what happened comes, depression and apathy often occur;
• acceptance - a woman accepts the fact of divorce, comes to terms with reality, and begins to build her life further.

Understanding what stage of divorce you are currently in and what emotions and experiences are inherent in it is already support in a state of crisis.

2. Take a time out

The first 2-3 months after a divorce are the hardest. This is the so-called “shock phase,” and in a state of shock there is a risk of making a lot of mistakes. Therefore, in order to avoid rash and impulsive actions, allow yourself to take a time out and not make any important decisions during this period. Let your brain and psyche return to a more or less stable state, when you can think soberly and rationally.

3. Dose negativity hourly

Anger, fear, sadness, despair, confusion and other negative feelings are normal. You need to experience them and allow your psyche to react to them so that they do not settle inside you in the form of neuroses or other mental disorders.

But your task now is to survive the stage of divorce, remain in a resourceful state in order to live and move on, take care of yourself and your children. Therefore, learn to manage your emotions.

Suffer by the hour. Choose two hours a week to immerse yourself in negative experiences, thoughts and emotions. If a wave of negativity hits at another time, say “stop” and return to these thoughts at the designated hours.

4. Return to the “here and now” state

Focus on what is happening to you right now. What do you see outside the window? Trees? How tall or low are they, what shape are the leaves on the trees, what color are they? Open the window, breathe in the fresh air. What do you feel in your lungs?

Bring thoughts and sensations back to real time from the past or future. Neither the past nor the future exists in the current moment. Return to the “here and now” state more often, this will give you the opportunity to switch from negative thoughts and reduce anxiety.

5. Don't be shy to ask for help.

Sometimes the fear of appearing weak, unsuccessful, or worse than others prevented us from asking for help. Don’t close yourself off, don’t refuse help, don’t heroically try to pull everything out on your own. Ask and accept help. Meet children from school, buy groceries, help with cleaning - many people around you will be happy to help.

6. Take care of your health

Body and psyche are inextricably linked. When the psyche suffers, the body must be a strong support to it in order to withstand all the intensity of passions.

Eat right, follow a sleep and rest schedule, and be physically active. Walk more and be in the fresh air, charging your body with energy and stimulating the body's production of endorphins, the hormones of happiness that you need during this period.

7. Make a contract with yourself for pleasure.

Write a list of things that bring you pleasure. Dancing, drawing, sweet tea, cinema, warm blanket, beautiful candle, fragrant body cream. Let these be the most insignificant things, the main thing is that they give you a feeling of happiness and pleasure.

Make an agreement with yourself: at least once a day you will give yourself one item from the list. This will help you maintain the much-needed balance between satisfaction and frustration in your life.

Now that air has flowed through the oxygen mask and it has become a little easier for you to breathe, help your child.

8. Never pit your child against your spouse.

Children always unconsciously identify themselves as 50% mom and 50% dad. If you tell them what a worthless and dishonest father they have, they will always take these words personally - after all, they half identify themselves with their father.

All the negativity that you direct at your spouse, you automatically direct at your children. The inability to separate oneself from the father and at the same time the desire to please the mother creates an insoluble internal conflict in the child, which can lead to sad consequences.

9. Explain to your children that the divorce is not their fault.

Children perceive their parents' divorce very painfully. They shift the blame onto themselves. Don’t ignore your children’s experiences and feelings; discuss their doubts and fears with them. Don’t shy away from the topic of divorce, don’t remain silent. If children ask about divorce, discuss the topic with them as much as they need. But in the conversation, focus on the fact that it is not their fault for what happened.

10. Create an atmosphere of emotional safety for children

Children perceive the world based on their parents' reactions. By how you react to a situation, they judge the global nature of the changes in their personal universe. If you are apathetic, depressed, or even worse - aggressive, for them this will be the final collapse of their own world.

They will think: since mom feels so bad, it means that their life is under threat and there is no hope for a successful resolution of the situation. Create an atmosphere of safety for children, try to behave positively, calmly, relaxed, and kindly in their presence. Reassure your children that everything will be fine. To do this, believe in it yourself.

about the author

Irina Kambulova- psychologist, transactional analyst, dance-movement psychotherapist.

When starting a family, few people think that one day the relationship may end and they will have to separate. But if you look at dry statistics, the number of divorces is steadily growing. Unfortunately, more and more people realize that they can no longer live together after the birth of a child. In such a situation, the question arises of how to get through the difficult divorce proceedings and not harm the child, not make him a victim of divorce? Let's talk frankly about this topic and try to figure out how to get through a breakup without harming the child.

Divorce in a family with a child

The breakdown of the relationship between husband and wife is a misfortune that brings pain and anxiety to all family members. Children and adolescents are especially vulnerable in this situation. They do not take part in resolving this issue, cannot influence the relationship between parents, or change anything. It is difficult for them to understand why the familiar world is collapsing and circumstances are changing. The thoughts and feelings that fill boys and girls at this moment can cause undesirable phenomena: isolation, aggressiveness, neuroses. There is no need to think that the child will be able to go through this stage on his own and cope with his emotions. To a greater or lesser extent, what happened will affect your child, you should try to minimize the consequences.

When and how to tell your child about their parents' divorce

Breaking up a relationship usually doesn’t happen overnight. Divorce is preceded by at least several months of deterioration in relations and the maturation of the decision to separate. It is ideal that your quarrels and conflicts with your spouse remain behind a “closed door”, the baby does not participate in them and is not a witness. Crises in the family happen to everyone, so until you make a final decision to end the relationship, try to protect your daughter or son from the details.

Once you have decided that you no longer want to live together and need to end your marriage, you should tell your child this news as quickly as possible. To do this, you need to agree with your spouse that at the appointed time the two of you will sit next to your child and honestly admit to him that changes are coming in his life.

It is not recommended to postpone this conversation for a long time. After adults decide not to live together and file for divorce, the unknown will burst into the child’s life. The lack of a sensible explanation from adults for the reasons for what is happening can prompt a son or daughter to start looking for the answer within themselves. Children feel and notice everything, even if they don’t show it visually. There is no need to force your child to feel guilty due to a lack of information. It is difficult for preschoolers and teenagers to understand all the intricacies of parental relationships; for them, you are both standards, beloved mom and dad. Children often tend to look for reasons in their behavior, studies, words, rather than try to analyze the behavior of others.

Don’t put off talking to your child about divorce for too long!

What to tell your child during the first conversation about their parents' divorce

The first conversation about ending the relationship between parents should be held jointly. You need to try:

• refrain from quarrels;
• be calm and friendly;
• do not blame each other for what happened;
• honestly answer the child’s questions about his future;
• do not evade questions about the reasons for the divorce, but do not go into details;
• dont lie;
• do not make promises that are unlikely to be fulfilled.

You must tell your child that:

• you both continue to love him and will always be by his side;
• he is not to blame for the current situation;
• if desired, he will be able to see both parents;
• he cannot change anything, offer him to plan a new life.

During the conversation, be sure to tell your child about the reason for the divorce in a gentle manner. If you decide to separate due to difficulties in relationships, the presence of another woman or man, you can tell your child that it is very difficult for mom and dad to live together. In order for them to be happy, they need to live separately, but this does not affect their love for him.

If a family breaks up due to the appearance of another woman or man, there is no need to tell the child about this, especially if there are other children in the other family. This may provoke an unwanted reaction. A son or daughter may think that one parent has given preference to the other child. This can cause a severe identity crisis. It is better to postpone meeting a new passion or gentleman for a while, at least 6 months. Your son or daughter must get used to the idea that mom and dad do not live together and accept new circumstances.

The conversation should be long and end when the baby wants it. Before you end the conversation, be sure to both hug and kiss your child and tell him you love him.

What is the child worried about?

After a child learns that mom and dad will no longer live together, the difficult work of accepting this information begins in his soul. The behavior of a son or daughter can change greatly. At first, you need to try not to put pressure on the child, fill his day with various events that will show him that life goes on and distract him from long thoughts.

Children react differently to their parents' divorce. Psychologists say that it is impossible to predict a child’s reaction, everything is individual. It is easier for children who clearly understand the reasons for the events and are confident in the love of both parents to endure the psychological crisis from their parents’ divorce.

If explanations are not enough, then the baby can:

• feel guilty for what happened, think that if he had behaved better, studied well and obeyed in everything, then this would not have happened;
• feel the fear of losing the love of both or one parent;
• be afraid that you will never see mom or dad again;
• feel betrayed by adults who cannot establish relationships, making him feel pain;
• be angry with yourself, your parents, those around you because of your helplessness;
• blame one of the adults for what happened.

Any of these options can lead to mental changes and contribute to the development of neuroses. It is very difficult to understand what a child thinks, but some changes in behavior may suggest that you need to pay more attention to communicating with your daughter or son, and perhaps consult a psychologist.

According to psychologists special attention on the part of parents requires:

• The appearance of unreasonable crying at night, daytime hysterics for no reason;
• increased anxiety, the emergence of new fears;
• appearance bad habits(the baby began to bite his nails, shake his leg, etc.);
• complete calm in a usually active, talkative child;
• for schoolchildren - improvement in behavior and learning or vice versa;
• openly blaming one of the parents for what happened, refusing to communicate;
• an attempt to constantly bring parents together, to increase the amount of their communication;
• the appearance of somatic problems. Previously healthy child begins to complain of pain in different parts of the body.

The appearance of these signs means that the baby cannot accept what happened and is trying with all his might to influence future changes.

How to help your child get through divorce

Children and adolescents are very conservative in matters concerning their family. Going through their parents' divorce is quite difficult for them. Many psychologists agree that if adults can find the strength to create conditions to minimize the impact of what is happening in the family on the child, then many difficulties can be avoided. Psychologists recommend:

• Adhere to the child’s regimen as much as possible. Do not change the time of eating, sleeping, try not to make changes to your usual activities;
• Increase communication time, hug more often, feel sorry for;
• Protect from the negativity that may accompany the divorce process;
• Be honest, do not promise the impossible;
• Do not blame the other parent for what happened;
• Talk about the child’s feelings and thoughts, try to dispel all his fears;
• Do not limit communication with peers, do not prohibit discussing what is happening;
• Offer to spend time together more often, visit different interesting events, make a visit;
• Do not force a choice, do not manipulate love;
• Talk about your love for the child, remind that the other parent loves him too;
• Do not talk badly about your spouse, do not give a negative assessment. It is advisable to remind about good qualities;
• Offer . This very well helps closed children to open their inner world and their emotions. Invite your child to draw, sculpt, create appliques and crafts. Try singing, dancing, or doing yoga together.

The main thing an adult can do to help a child survive their parents’ divorce is to give them a chance to throw out accumulated emotions, support them in a difficult situation, and dispel fears and doubts. The child must understand that his world has changed, but has not become worse.

After a divorce, increase your communication time and the number of joint activities with your child. This will help him cope!

Communication with a child after divorce

After the parents separate, they need to decide on the issue of communication with the child. In most cases, the son or daughter remains with the mother and the father must choose a time that is convenient for him to communicate with the child.

At first, it is recommended to meet as often as possible, not limited to Sundays. Even if you feel a strong sense of guilt, you should not overload with gifts and new things. It’s good to go for walks in the park together, attend entertainment events, during which you can talk confidentially. At the same time, it is not recommended for the mother to ask the child about what he did or what the father said. Try to be positive right away. You both love your child and want the best for him. Try to maintain a respectful relationship with each other, because you are connected by more than a shared past; you have a child.

It is recommended to introduce a new life partner into a child’s life no earlier than six months after the divorce. Ideally, if you can do this in a year. A new companion or companion should not be introduced into the role new mom or dad. At first, there is no need to involve them in the active process of education. Be prepared that the child will perceive your new love hostile. This is fine. Give your son or daughter time to evaluate your choice.

Should we live together for the sake of the child?

When talking about the issue of divorce and further actions regarding a joint child, we cannot omit the question that adults often ask themselves when faced with relationship problems. Is it possible to live together for the sake of a child? The answer to this question lies on the surface and depends on the cause of the disorder.

If you decide to divorce, realizing that you will not be able to live happily together, then take this step. The life of a child in a family where there is no love or respect is worse than living with one of the parents after a divorce, if the adults were able to come to an agreement and establish communication.

If there is even a small chance to start over, to save the family, you need to try to take advantage of it, but without forcing yourself. Parents' happiness is an important component of a child's mental peace. If it doesn’t work out together, then try to become happy apart, not forgetting about your child, filling his life with interesting events and your attention.

Parental mistakes and how to avoid them

When going through the stages of divorce, many parents, under the influence of their emotions, make mistakes that greatly affect psychological condition child, his worldview, calmness. Rash actions aggravate the difficulty for children to accept what happened and inflict deep wounds on a tender soul. Let's look at what mistakes adults most often make during a divorce in order to prevent them from happening to their children.

1. Child manipulation. Often, not finding other arguments in a dispute with their spouse, mom or dad begins to use the child for blackmail. The child is not allowed to see a second adult, they tell him nasty things about his mom or dad, and involve him in quarrels, demanding to support one of the parties. None of these methods will help solve the situation, and for the child it can cause complex neurosis. If life has turned out in such a way that you and your spouse are getting a divorce, then try to sort things out without involving the child. He loves you both, he wants to communicate with each of the parents. Both mom and dad are the standard for children, an attempt to set the baby against dad or mom violates the picture that has developed in the child’s mind, leading to an imbalance;
2. Comparison. Due to emotions, mothers or fathers sometimes begin to use negative comparisons of the child with the second parent (“Everything like the father”, “Same”...). Even if you think so, you don't need to say it out loud. The child loves both parents equally, and the use of derogatory forms of communication not only will not help the son or daughter understand their mistake, but also deeply hurts;
3. Child lawyer. Sometimes, not finding a common denominator in controversial issues, adults ask the child to decide which of them is right. At such moments, a lot of details begin to pour into the child’s mind, which he is unable to understand and accept. By putting a child in the position of choosing between equally beloved parents, you not only do not solve the problem, but also additionally create conditions for the formation of a feeling of guilt in your son or daughter. The situation itself implies that the child can influence something, but by taking a step towards one of the parents, the child will experience torment and is not capable of an adequate assessment;
4. Inattention to problems. Divorce is stressful; not all adults can cope with their emotions and quickly return to normal life. Being fixated on their own internal problems, parents cannot always notice the changes occurring in the child in time and pay enough attention. It seems to them that if the baby is not hysterical, does not swear, does not ask for communication, then everything is in order, but in fact, the less noticeable the child’s reaction to what is happening, the more serious the problems inside. No matter how painful, offensive, or difficult it may be for you, try to pay more attention to your son and daughter, try to get through the difficult stage faster and easier.

Recommendations from a family psychologist for a “correct” separation

1. It is important to remember: it is not mom and dad who are divorcing, but a man and a woman, so it is necessary to discuss the problems that have arisen without unnecessary emotions, much less swearing in front of the children.
2. Since the decision to divorce is not sudden, it is rather a consequence of alienation in relationships between people for a long time, therefore we prepare the child for this thought for 2-3 months.
3. Children over 3-4 years old tend to blame themselves for everything, they think: “It’s all my fault that mom and dad don’t want to live together because I was playing around (I didn’t want to eat, I was fighting),” etc. Even after a lot of time years, children continue to blame themselves for their parents’ divorce, so it is extremely important to tell the child that it is not his fault.
4. Children from 7 to 10 years old perceive the separation of their parents somewhat differently. There is no need to say the common phrase “Dad (Mom) and I stopped loving each other,” children perceive love literally as kisses and hugs, they will try to push you towards each other, so it is better to say: “We decided to live separately, but you have everything there is also mom and dad.”
5. Do not conduct long instructive monologues with your children, build a better dialogue, the questions may be unexpected, be extremely honest with your children.
6. Don’t turn dad into 24-hour Santa Claus: relationships built on bribery with own child, over time will turn him into an egoist. It’s better to give the impressions gained from joint walks and travels.
7. Pay attention to the general emotional background; if a child often withdraws into himself, begins to love loneliness, cries for no reason, becomes aggressive or anxious - it’s time to consult a specialist. It is especially effective.
8. Dear adults, you have many ways to distract yourself from a difficult situation: these are gatherings with friends, favorite hobbies, hobbies and much more, but it is more difficult for your children to switch gears in a situation of divorce, so be as attentive as possible to them during this period!
9. Children easily read our mood and feelings, so by helping yourself survive the situation with the help of new acquaintances, travel, sports, books and music, you also help your children and set an example for them.
10. If none of the above remedies work in a particular case, contact a specialist psychotherapist, he will help you survive the acute period with dignity.

Behavior problems after divorce

So, the emotions have subsided, the decision to divorce has been made, the legal proceedings are over, adults are learning to live in a new way. What about the children? Divorcing parents often set certain rules for their new life. Dad picks up the child on weekends or takes him on vacation, but upon returning, mom notes that the child’s behavior is extremely bad, he becomes uncontrollable, capricious, and stubborn. This happens because the parents’ daily routine and lifestyle no longer coincide.

Dad allows you to go to bed later, eat whatever the child wants, and watch cartoons for an unlimited amount of time. And upon returning home, mom again introduces strict boundaries and restrictions. It is very important for divorced parents to agree on uniform style raising children, being consistent in upbringing. Wise parents will be able to come to an agreement even in a difficult situation. Dad may say: “We rarely see you, so I want to pamper you, but when you return home, you fulfill mom’s demands.” It is very important for the mother to maintain the rhythm of life familiar to the baby: work, kindergarten, household duties, and not entrust the child to grandmothers or a nanny. Dear parents, strength and wisdom to you!

Each adult faced with a divorce situation must understand a simple truth: life goes on. Today it hurts and is bad, but tomorrow it will be easier. You have a child who needs a strong mom or dad, he needs your attention and love. Be strong and instead of dwelling on the past, try to look to the future. Plan a vacation, engage in sports or creativity with your child, distract yourself and distract your child from thinking about what happened. Be happy.