How many times have each of us thought about the seemingly simple question “What is friendship?” an essay about which is presented to the reader. This text reveals the secrets of long-term friendship, when at a difficult moment in life a person realizes who is a real friend and who is just a selfish friend. Do not betray your friends, share your material and spiritual wealth with them.

What is friendship? In a sense, this is a kinship of souls. If people understand each other perfectly, if they live by common interests, are always ready to support and defend their friend’s position over his opponents, then all this together is friendship.

For example, children's friendships are strong. Acquaintance in the sandbox, developing into true friendship, can last for years and even decades. The bonds of such friendship can be stronger and more reliable than family ones. Childhood friends are valuable for the sorrows and joys, successes and failures, meetings and separations experienced during growing up. Tested by time, they are always distinguished by their special devotion and loyalty.

Friendship takes pride of place next to love in a person’s life. If among the many people around you, acquaintances, friends and even relatives, there is at least one true friend - take care of him like the apple of your eye. Every person wants to have friends, but not everyone knows how to be friends. So treat others the way you want to be treated, and everything will work out. Unfortunately, by nature or perhaps due to upbringing, most people tend to exaggerate their personal merits, while belittling the merits of others.

Reflections on friendship lead to the question: does friendship exist at all? In the modern world, eternal laws and concepts have become so devalued that sometimes it seems unrealistic to meet true love or true friendship. And yet it is there.

As sad as it may be, more often people are united by grief than by joy. Memories of the war are excellent proof of this. Human kindness, support, and mutual assistance saved many lives during the war. Just yesterday, a stranger became family when, standing shoulder to shoulder, soldiers repelled an enemy attack or shielded each other with their chests, performing a heroic feat in the name of peace, happiness, friendship and endless love.

A friend is known in need - and this wise one folk proverb best characterizes the actions and conscience of a person in an extreme situation. A devoted friend will help solve any problem even to his own detriment. He will never leave a friend alone with his grief. It’s easy to rejoice together: celebrate holidays, relax in nature with barbecue, cheer for your favorite team. Be close in Hard time- is worth a lot. This is characteristic only of a devoted friend, very faithful, reliable, tested by various troubles in life.

Friendship and betrayal often go hand in hand. The worst thing in life is when a person you trust betrays you. Even if it concerns little things, something insignificant and not so important. He who is capable of betraying in small things will also betray in big things. You cannot forgive betrayal to anyone - not a loved one, not a friend, no matter how hard it may be.

Take care of your friendship. Carry it through your entire life carefully, like a spark from God. Don't let evil temptations extinguish it. Do not trample with mistrust, do not scourge with betrayal. Also, do not leave your friends, neither in sorrow nor in joy. Share the last piece of bread and one great happiness among everyone!

In the Moscow studio of our TV channel is priest Alexander Terpugov, an employee of the Synodal Department for interaction with the Armed Forces and Law Enforcement Agencies.

Today's theme is friendship. What is friendship, how does it differ from friendly relationships, acquaintance relationships, partnerships?

In my opinion, friendly relations, and especially acquaintance, are some kind of superficial, just nascent relationships. Of course, both acquaintance and friendship can develop into friendship. Or they may not outgrow it. But, in my opinion, friendship is a kind of unity, unity in views, tastes, judgments. And of course, at the head of everything is faith.

- What does the Holy Scripture say about friendship?

When I was preparing for the broadcast, I read it, and it turned out that the word “friend” and its derivatives are repeated 116 times in the Bible. These references indirectly contain criteria for friendship. This is especially clear in parables. The seventeenth parable: “a friend loves at all times,” that is, to paraphrase, love does not exist in time, it does not cease. One can draw parallels here with the First Epistle to the Corinthians of St. Apostle Paul, which speaks about love. This is the main thing, it probably all comes down to it. A friend is more attached than a brother, a friend is even more faithful to a person than a relative by blood. “A friend is sweet to every friend with heartfelt advice,” that is, mercy and help to a friend are obligatory here. “Having a friend, he will come to him at midnight” - you can come to a friend at any time, and he will not kick you out. That is, this is a complex relationship, especially with our modern life. The bar for friendship is so high. That’s why it’s probably rare to find true friendship these days. Of course, the most striking example here is the Gospel of John, chapter 15, verse 13: “Greater love has no one than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”

- Here it is “for friends” - not for brothers, not for relatives.

Yes exactly. Probably, friendship is tested precisely in some extreme situations. And it’s not for nothing that our wise people say: you need to eat a pound of salt together to understand what another person is like.

- Friend is known in trouble.

-Have you ever had similar situations when friendship was tested?

Yes they were. One of them left a very vivid impression. I didn't even expect such self-sacrifice. About thirty years ago I was a professional sailor. We unloaded onto an unequipped shore. It was somewhere in the north (either on the Ob, or somewhere else). It turned out that our all-terrain vehicle sat on its belly. You probably know that in the north, when it’s cold, there is such a thing as sludge - when snow floats in the water. Our all-terrain vehicle sat on this “cushion”, so we could neither go to the ship nor return back. I was the eldest. He took a hook and crawled through this quagmire to the shore to call people and bring a cable. And suddenly my friend, friend Andryusha, followed me. It was easier for me because I had a gaff. By placing it on this slush, it was possible to somehow hold on. So he and I crawled, falling through, I tried to force him to return to the all-terrain vehicle, but he said: no, you can’t do it alone. I really appreciated it and am praying for him. True, it so happened that our paths diverged. I don't know where he is now, but I pray for him constantly.

The second time I was struck by such self-sacrifice of people was when I served as a military chaplain in the Caucasus. One battalion commander told how, as a young lieutenant and platoon commander in the first Chechen war, he pulled out wounded soldiers and carried them through a minefield. Of course, this was the highest manifestation of love. As this now lieutenant colonel said (he was several years ago, now, perhaps, he is already a colonel), he did not think that he would die, that there might be an explosion. He carried seven soldiers. The Lord showed him a miracle: when he transferred the last one, seven explosions were heard simultaneously. He had such a strengthening of faith! And at the same time, I was struck by the self-sacrifice that he showed. Nowadays this is quite rare, because times are recent, people are weak.

- Is every person capable of friendship, or are there some qualities that are incompatible with friendship?

Probably everyone, provided that he knows you and in any case tries to show love. After all, it turns out that friendship is a manifestation of love, and necessarily sacrificial love. The Lord blessed the Apostle Paul to write that love is long-suffering, merciful, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, does not act outrageously, and does not seek its own, that is, its own self-interest. IN in this case Of course, the main obstacle to friendship is, most likely, the search for one’s own selfishness when a person is looking for his own. Sometimes it happens that a person looks like ivy. There is a plant in the south that wraps around a tree. It grows nearby, feeds from it, holds on, hangs on it and ultimately destroys the tree. Probably, if we still show true love, then we will succeed if we pray and ask the Lord to strengthen us.

- Is obsession compatible with friendship?

Obsession is one of the manifestations of one’s own self-interest. Obsession is a desire, perhaps, for communication. But on the other hand, that friend towards whom obsessiveness is manifested probably also has to be patient. Here there is a mutual movement towards each other. If a person tries to be a real Christian (you can’t do without this, without Christian qualities), then the friendship will be good.

- Obsession looks like a desire to communicate, a desire to be friends.

The sectarians have this expression: bombard with love. When a person communicates to such an extent that he simply exhausts his interlocutor. Of course this is wrong. You need to understand: you never know if you want to communicate, try to give the person a rest, think about him. Probably then everything will work out.

- Blind friendship, like blind love, does not lead to anything good.

What do you mean by blind friendship?

When a person is friends and wants to communicate with a person, regardless of whether that person likes him or not, whether that person wants it or not.

This is, of course, not friendship. After some time, such communication will fade away, because one person will run from the other. But I think this can also be overcome. At the moment, I have no one closer to you, which means I am called to love you. And if you love, it means again to be patient, to be merciful, not to be irritated, not to be outrageous. That is, all these criteria are suitable.

Then “be patient” with the next question. There is an expression: “Plato is my friend, but the truth is dearer.” Is friendship possible between people with different beliefs?

To what extent are different beliefs fundamental? There are cardinal ones. Let's say that friendship between an atheist and a believer is probably possible if they tolerate each other and do not touch on these topics. But still, friendship, in my opinion, necessarily implies some kind of unity, people look in the same direction.

Suppose, if disputes arise between people, are conflicts the norm for friendship, or if there is a conflict, does this mean that the friendship is not strong and does not exist?

Between friends, of course, there are some disagreements, there are grievances and misunderstandings. But we need to sit down and discuss them. This time. And secondly, if there is a conflict, then you probably need to get away from it, because everything again comes down to the same thing. You need to be patient, because patience is the most important thing. That is, it is a mutual process in which everyone improves themselves. And then everything will be exactly as it should be.

- If a person experiences negative influence from his buddy or friend, should he continue the friendship?

What do you have in mind?

Maybe a friendship began at school, and after school one of the friends began to go to church and realized that there was a difference in views, tastes, and even began to experience some kind of negative influence from his friend.

Yes, I understood the question. You know, every believer (at least in my example) experiences some kind of re-evaluation, revision in the perception of friends and those with whom he will communicate in the future. After all, as soon as a person comes to faith, he tries to be not of this world. And since he is not of this world, he begins to irritate down-to-earth, worldly people - by trying to be better, trying to put up, love, give alms, forgive. Of course it's annoying. For example, my environment changed a lot after I became a believer. But I don’t think it’s bad, because I feel better, more comfortable with those people...

It's not even about comfort. You can communicate if you see that it will benefit the person. Let’s say, if you can help a non-believer with something, then it’s probably worth being friends. But if you see that this is useless or you are simply not ready to bear the cross at the moment (after all, it is a difficult cross to communicate with a person who does not understand you, perhaps constantly mocks you, not with words, but with facial expressions trying to somehow pinch or bite ), - this is no longer friendship, because there is no love here. Exaltation and arrogance begin, because a person considers himself better, and if he is better, then friendship will no longer work. This is the road towards each other.

Is compassionate friendship possible? Let's say a lonely person has no friends, and another begins to be friends with him, not because they have common views or some guidelines, but simply because he wants to help this person not to be alone. Is this friendship or not?

Of course, this can probably grow into friendship because the person sacrifices himself. Love, if it is sacrificial, is, of course, positive. Recently a brother said that it is very similar to family relationships. In fact, this is exactly the case. Friendship is like family relationships without family relationships. Otherwise the criteria are the same.

- That is, healthy family relationships are born and grow precisely from friendship?

- Is friendship possible between a woman and a man?

Among the saints it is probably possible. But, unfortunately, I don’t think that given our current fallen spiritual state, this is possible for others; it’s unlikely that confessors bless such friendship. In any case, it’s a rare person who can be friends without showing any excesses, so to speak.

- What is considered excess?

Friendship, unfortunately, can develop into some kind of infatuation with a person. Both men and women can be susceptible to this. The friendship will end. It can even be harmful. If a person suddenly felt that his interlocutor, friend, classmate or classmate was becoming closer, then perhaps this is obviously wrong if, in legal terms, he has some kind of responsibility to third parties. Then it is better to end such relationships so as not to be tempted.

- And if there is no such responsibility, perhaps this friendship can develop into another feeling...

Most likely she will outgrow it. Therefore, I am quite skeptical about friendship between a man and a woman.

- There is an expression: “Tell me who your friend is, and I will tell you who you are.” Is it always fair?

Yes, of course, because the Scripture says: if you are with the venerable, the venerable, you will be chosen with the chosen one. Well, with the obstinate you will be corrupted. This has already been said many thousands of years before us, so everything remains valid.

To become a reverend with reverends, one should strive for such communication, for such friendship. But if the reverends do not want to communicate with such a person, what should they do?

The reverends want. St. Seraphim of Sarov said: “My joy!” - this means that he loved all people so much that even in a greeting he showed this love, which covered everything.

- Such friendship changes a person.

Of course, it changes and settles it. When there is love, it has no gender characteristics, it can be for an old man, or for a child, or for a grandmother or grandfather, or for a brother, or for a sister, and this does not necessarily mean family relations. It's the same feeling. But some nuances are added, for example, family life. True, now the word “love” has been vulgarized, but in fact it is a feeling that never ceases, as the Lord said through the Apostle Paul.

- Is friendship possible between people of different nationalities and different mentalities?

I think it's possible. The Cossacks have a very good tradition. Let’s say they took kunaks, that is, close friends, brothers-in-arms from Islam (this was the case in the Caucasus), and quite strong relationships arose. If a person has the same criteria as you, regardless of whether the person is Orthodox, he can be of the same moral purity as an Orthodox, and maybe even higher. This happens. There are quite a lot of churches in our parish, and one of them has an Uzbek guard. He is a very decent person, you can trust him with everything. Plus, he shows such miracles of love and thoroughness, hard work that you are simply surprised and happy looking at such people.

- Are living conditions in a modern metropolis conducive to friendship?

Why do Muscovites often get bad reviews? Because life is very busy and fleeting, people spend a lot of time on transport and therefore get very tired. In order to somehow preserve their own “I,” they try to communicate less and show some restraint. This is especially noticed by people who live in the provinces. They are more open there. In fact, the Lord invites us to turn to Him in prayer in all difficulties. When we communicate with God, everything goes quickly for us, and we also recover. This does not mean that we should not waste. On the contrary, we must give our love to everyone who needs it, and the Lord will reward us a hundredfold - both love, and the time we spent on a person, and our efforts, and material resources as well. He will reward everything, because He is waiting for us and loves us very much. Not a single parent, not a single mother loves her child as much as the Lord loves us.

Does the comfort of modern life contribute to friendship, or is it promoted by extreme, difficult living conditions?

I spent most of my life in the Far North. It so happened that I was a sailor all my youth and spent it in the North. All the hardships we experienced there purified our friendship. Bad person is immediately visible there. He is forced to change. This applies to combat operations, war, and some extreme types labor activity. They are all the same, and the person becomes better there. He is forced to accept the conditions (this is mutual assistance, help, mercy), regardless of the costs of wasting himself. This is inevitable, because one cannot survive in those conditions, which is why people there seem better at first glance. But in reality... If you look in the East, people are good. There are good ones in the North too. It doesn’t seem like much in the South, but if you go into the temple, you will see the same familiar eyes as in the North, South and East. Everywhere.

- Does the spread of social networks contribute to true friendship?

In my opinion, this pastime is now big business for those who invent it all. This is an attempt at replacement. Firstly, you can register there under someone else's name. You can create yourself and do whatever you want. This implies that the responsibility is not the same as in direct communication. Therefore, there is practically no communication. Young people are hooked on it like a drug, but I don’t think there is anything good here. Although my confessor writes a blog and is present on social networks. I'm not ready for this. I'm not on social networks.

That is, an effect arises: people create facades for themselves and communicate not with their souls, but with these artificial facades?

Yes exactly. This is a kind of sign that a person either comes up with for himself or wants to look like that. But in reality it can be completely different. We often see the consequences of such communication on social networks; they appear in crime reports and result in many troubles.

- Is it healthy for a person to have no friends at all?

If a person has very high criteria, then probably...What does friend mean? Mostly, of course, people make friends in their youth, because the person himself is more open, less cautious, and has less negative experience of getting into unpleasant situations. Accordingly, he begins to make friends with pleasure, openly, sincerely, and then whether it works out or not. That's why we love our childhood friends very much. True, when you come across them many years later, it turns out that you love the memory, and not the person himself, because he has already changed a lot. This is some kind of illusion.

- Is friendship possible based on vicious hobbies?

Of course it's possible. Probably possible. But what does friendship mean? Friendship means love. Most likely, such a relationship cannot be called friendship; it could be some kind of community of people, a criminal duo, a trio or a quartet. But of course there is no friendship here, because there is no love. There are coinciding interests. But there is no love. And the main criterion, as it is written in Scripture (you and I didn’t say this), is necessarily love.

How to experience friendship - is it real or not? In addition to “pushing a guy to the mountains, taking a risk,” what other ways are there to check whether this is not an illusion, whether it is an attachment under which there is no love and friendship?

Unfortunately, in order to quickly check, you probably need to go into the mountains or underground.

- Or to the North.

Or to the North! Or fall into one trench. In other words, you probably need to eat a pound of salt. Can you imagine sixteen kilograms of salt? You can calculate how many years you need to be friends in order to understand what a person is like.

- Under a peck of salt, probably This also means the bitterness of life, that is, to sip bitterness together; maybe salt is here in a figurative sense, not only as a product, but as the bitterness of losses experienced together?

- Isn't pity a humiliating feeling?

Now the word “pity,” of course, has lost its ancient meaning of “love,” but it still probably has that connotation. Pity is still compassion, and since compassion, then love. It may not be fully love, but it will already be a positive feeling.

- So in ancient times pity was understood as compassion?

To regret is to love.

- And now pity has a connotation of disdain; to feel sorry is to show condescension.

Yes, there are probably many words now that have lost their original meaning and acquired a different connotation. But again, if you love, you don’t become arrogant. If you love, it means you are open; there can be no exaltation in a loving person.

- They even say that pity, as it were, humiliates a person. “Don't feel sorry for me!» …

No, most likely, this is some kind of pride - “don’t touch me.” Perhaps then we can understand Judas, who hanged himself. He did not go to ask the Lord for forgiveness. He didn’t want any pity, he thought that what he did was wrong, and since he did it wrong, he disposed of it himself and hanged himself.

- The sin of Judas is betrayal. Is friendship possible after betrayal?

What do you mean by betrayal? Everything, of course, depends on the action. Remember when Peter asked the Lord: “How many times should I forgive? Three, five? - The Lord said: “Seventy-seven times seven.” That is, forgive forever. If a person came, if he repented, then you are obliged to forgive.

- What if you don’t repent?

And if you haven’t repented, then what kind of forgiveness are we talking about? Why forgive him then? You shouldn't hold a grudge. If, for example, a person does not repent of what he has done, will you go and tell him: “I forgive you”? In general, yes, so that you don’t hold a grudge against him. You see, you need to watch. The Lord says: “It was from Me.” Remember this spiritual instruction of Seraphim Vyritsky?

- Remind please.

- “It was from Me” - no matter what happens to us, everything happens one way or another from God. And if such a situation arises, let’s say in friendship, it means that the Lord is testing you once again: can you endure and forgive? Therefore, of course, we must forgive.

- They say that not everyone and not always needs to be forgiven.

No, the Lord said that blasphemy against the Holy Spirit is not forgiven. And the rest... There are many beautiful subtleties here: they say, I personally forgive my enemy, but not the enemy of the Fatherland. I think that we need to try to live according to the commandments, to fully imitate Christ. Even if something happened, pray for the person and ask: “Lord, don’t blame him, he doesn’t know what he’s doing.”

- There is a modern word “tolerance”. What is this translated into Russian - friendship, understanding?

Most likely, this is a kind of tolerance, but recently this word has been used in combination with “religious tolerance” - tolerance towards other faiths. But let’s say I don’t like this word.

- It is non-Russian, unusual for the Russian language.

The point is that you need to try to see the image of God in a person. For us Muscovites, there is a serious irritant - everyone notices that there are a lot of visitors here who are different from us (in hair color, in their behavior). We need to learn to be more tolerant. Because the whole reason is that our wives do not give birth to as many children as theirs. My abbot darkly jokes that Islam is our future. Given the current state of affairs and the attitude towards abortion of the majority of our people, of course, Islam is our future.

- Yes, it's sad…

Plus, they also need to be treated with love, because, firstly, they are the same children of God, the Lord loves them in the same way. In addition, if they convert to Orthodoxy, they are sometimes killed among themselves for this. What if you and I are not Christians, and they immediately receive the crown of martyrdom? We probably need to think about this more often - and then, perhaps, our attitude towards them will change.

- Is it normal if a person has enemies (even though the person tries to love and forgive everyone)?

Probably okay. After all, the person is alive. We live in a world where there is anger. It is clear that she is from the devil, but she exists. And since there is anger, it means there are enemies who hate.

I was on the subway now. The young man, most likely a representative of the Orthodox, spat to the side at the sight of the priest. In Israel I saw this often. True, I must say, I was surprised here: I saw this for the first time. Maybe he is a student or from a family like that...

- Orthodox.

Yes, Jewish Orthodox.

If a person is friends with someone and tries to do something for his friend, but does not receive reciprocity, is this normal? How should he react? Should we even seek reciprocity in friendship?

Everything again depends on how much you carry your cross, are patient and try... You see, love is sacrificial. That's right - this is when you try to help a person without hoping for reciprocity. Then everything is as it should be, because we should not expect any rewards. On the contrary, if we do not receive a reward on earth, then our reward is in heaven, which is much more valuable and very important for us in the future.

- One more question at the end of our program: what is the most important thing in friendship?

In a word, love. Sacrificial love. If she is sacrificial, then everything is fine.

Presenter Denis Beresnev
Recorded by Margarita Popova

Research shows that friendship helps us maintain mental and physical health: improves immunity, maintains normal blood pressure, reduces the risk of developing dementia in old age and even the risk of sudden death. But even with the best of friends, interactions can suddenly become nauseatingly tense. Journalist Carlene Flora described different types toxic relationships and explained where problems with friends come from and why it is not always bad. T&P publishes the translation.

Carlene Flora is a journalist and former editor of Psychology Today. She has been published in the magazines Discover, Scientific American Mind, etc. Author of the book “Friendfluence”, which was published in 2013.

Remember the last time you sat opposite best friend and you felt that she knew you very well and, most importantly, truly understood you. Perhaps you have felt that she awakens in you best qualities, in her presence you can make the most intelligent remarks and the wittiest jokes. She encouraged you. She always listened carefully, found hidden patterns in your behavior, and then carefully suggested how things could be changed for the better. You loved to gossip about mutual friends, and from time to time you indulged in memories of joint adventures. You willingly delved into your favorite topics, exchanged half-hints that were barely understandable to those around you, and easily deciphered meaningful euphemisms in each other’s speech. You may even be familiar with the pleasant feeling of admiration for your friend, which was accompanied by a feeling of pride from realizing your similarity with her. The person you had a very high opinion of mutually valued you very much - of course, this brought a feeling of deep satisfaction and happiness, literally fueled you with energy.

Such friendship fills us with spiritual strength, shapes our personality, and sometimes can change our destiny. These relationships have been put under the microscope by social scientists more than once, and it turns out that they help us maintain mental and physical health: good friends improve immunity, stimulate creativity, maintain normal blood pressure, reduce the risk of developing dementia in old age and even the risk of sudden of death. So if you feel that you cannot live without friends, it is not only sentimentality that speaks to you, but also common sense.

But even the deepest and kindest friendships, like almost any human relationship, can be marred by conflicts, resentments and tensions. The charm may disappear from it irrevocably, it may even disappear completely for some sad reason or without a single reason at all. But there are also not so useful types of friendship: sometimes in a relationship that began on a positive note, conflict increases every day, and in critical cases, friendship can be initially painful and toxic. Good friends make us happy, but even they demand a lot in return. If you look closely, friendship is a much more confusing and ambiguous type of relationship than is commonly thought.

For the first time, harsh reality cast a shadow on the cloudless concept of friendship when sociologists became convinced that friendly sympathy is mutual only in half of the cases. This information is shocking to many: the same studies claim that we tend to assume that our friends almost always share our feelings. Can you guess who on your list of friends would not add you to a similar list?

One reason for the imbalance is that friendship is often socially desirable: research among teenagers shows that they want to be friends with popular people, but they often demonstrate selectivity (and thereby upset the balance of reciprocity). One recent piece of evidence is an article by Steven Strogatz in The New York Times published in 2012. According to his observations, our Facebook friends, on average, always have more friends than we ourselves. They also say that friendship is salvation from a world obsessed with updating statuses. Here's your salvation!

Scientists also identify an ambivalent type of friendship - it is characterized by mutual dependence and conflicts. If you have such a friend in your life, he will simultaneously give you both positive and negative feelings. For example, seeing his name on your smartphone screen will make you think twice before answering the call. This type of relationship is very common. Each of us has a network of socially important contacts, and, according to statistics, there are about 50% of ambivalent characters in it. To be fair, it should be said that these are most often family members, not friends (after all, you can’t get rid of relatives so easily). Nevertheless, this is another stone in the garden of the “pure” concept of friendship.

But even those friends whom you boldly call faithful, reliable and interesting people, can darken your life if at least one more, less attractive one is added to these qualities. Thanks to sociological research, we know very well that a depressed friend is likely to persuade you to share his depression, an obese friend - to gain excess weight, and with friends who smoke or drink a lot, you will drink and smoke more.

In some cases, “good” friends develop goals, habits, or values ​​that do not align with ours. Of course, these people did nothing wrong to us. But over time, they cease to be part of the group that defines our social identity and/or helps us solve pressing problems. By staying with them, we swim against the current.

In addition to all the unfortunate effects of controversial, ambivalent friendships, there is also real harm to our health. In a 2003 study, researchers Julianne Holt-Lunstad of Brigham Young University and Bert Uchino of the University of Utah asked participants to wear a portable blood pressure monitor and write down their interactions with people throughout the day. The readings showed that blood pressure was higher when communicating with ambivalent friends than during truly friendly and even openly hostile interactions. This is probably due to the fact that such relationships are largely unpredictable, and therefore force us to be constantly on guard: “Is Jane going to ruin everyone's Christmas evening again?” In addition, ambivalent relationships are associated with such unpleasant phenomena as disturbances in reactivity of cardio-vascular system, premature cellular aging, low levels of stress resistance and general deterioration of well-being.

However, in one case, researchers of ambivalent friendship came to unexpected results: it turned out that it has a beneficial effect on the work process. Scientists have found that ambivalent colleagues tend to put themselves in the other person's shoes more often than usual, in part because there is always room for uncertainty in such relationships and the person is trying to understand what they really are. Additionally, ambivalent friendships add uncertainty, which in turn makes people work harder to secure their position.

Pseudo-friends, or friends-enemies, are another type of contradictory relationship between people. But in this case, contrasting feelings are neatly layered on top of each other: friendliness on top of rivalry or hostility, as opposed to an ambivalent connection with its explosive cocktail of love, hatred, irritation, pity, affection, disgust, tenderness and a couple of other unpredictable ingredients. Many of us know firsthand the powerful motivational power of having such a friend-enemy in the office, not to mention romantic or child-parent relationships, in which this force can become destructive.

Every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way, and the same can be said about unhappy friendships: there are countless reasons why a friend might be “unfavorable” to you. A pair of American researchers delved into this topic - Susan Heitler, a clinical psychologist from Denver, and Sharon Livingston, a psychologist and marketing consultant from New York. Here typical signs"unfavorable" friendships they found: a bad friend makes you feel like you're competing with other friends; she talks about herself much more often than you; she allows herself to criticize you, but immediately becomes defensive if you criticize her back; during communication you feel as if you are walking on thin ice, because at any moment you can provoke an outburst of her anger or disapproval; in relationships, the so-called emotional swing prevails: today she can be responsive and friendly, and the next day she withdraws and behaves as if you barely know each other.

In 2014, researchers at Carnegie Mellon University (Pittsburgh) discovered an interesting correlation while studying the social lives of healthy women over 50 years of age. It turned out that if the volume of negative episodes in their relationships with others increased, their risk of developing hypertension simultaneously increased. Negative social interactions - for example, excessive demands and criticism from others, disappointments, "exchange of pleasantries" - led to the emergence of hypertension the subjects became 38% more likely. But among men, there was no connection between negative communication and high blood pressure. This is likely due to the fact that women in general care more about relationships between people and are socially predisposed to pay more attention to them.

Negative communication also contributes to inflammation in the body - in both women and men. Such data was obtained in the course of her research by Jessica Chiang, a researcher at the University of California (Los Angeles). According to her findings, accumulated social stressors, like real toxins, can cause physical harm to a person.

Those friendships that are destined to be the most painful of our lives often start out on a positive note only to turn into a nightmare. For example, a recent study among teenagers showed that people who were friends in the past were 4.3 times more likely to express mutual aggression online than just acquaintances. In other words, sociological statistics agree with Diane de Poitiers (a favorite of the French king Henry II), who back in the 16th century argued: “To have a worthwhile enemy, choose a friend: he knows where to strike.”

Another slippery slope that friendship can take unexpected turns was described by writer Robert Greene in his book “The 48 Laws of Power.” Friendly help in finding a job, he warns, can cause your relationship to gradually turn from good to harmful. This is due, in particular, to the peculiarities of the emotional reaction that such serious favors provoke.

Ironically, it is your act of kindness that can throw a relationship off balance. People want to feel that their success is deserved. A friendly favor can lead to depressing thoughts: “What if I was chosen only because of my connections? Perhaps I’m not worthy of this place at all?” The condescending attitude that is easy to suspect in a sympathetic friend can seriously damage self-esteem. The trauma will not immediately make itself felt, but gradually there will be more brutal directness in the relationship, outbreaks of discontent and envy will appear - and before you have time to understand anything, the friendship will end.

“So can directness and selfless help destroy true friendship?” - you ask. On the one hand, this statement challenges the ideals of absolute openness and boundless generosity - the necessary attributes of sincere friendly affection. But on the other hand, it seems that this is where the key to solving the mystery of why friendship can be favorable, ambivalent, harmful, and even move from one state to another is hidden.

In his paper “The Evolution of Reciprocal Altruism,” published in 1971, evolutionary biologist Robert Trivers summarized: “Every individual tends to exhibit a tendency toward both altruistic behavior and cheating.” Cheating here refers to the conscious intention to give at least a little less within a relationship or take at least a little more than our friend would take or give in a similar situation.

Trivers explains that evolution has made us master, cunning swindlers. A complex mechanism in our psyche helps us detect those who cheat too openly and notice when we ourselves become too generous. Trivers writes:

“A rude swindler will not reciprocate, and an altruist will receive absolutely nothing as a reward for his generosity... Obviously, in this case, natural selection will be extremely negative towards the swindler. Clever scams, on the other hand, involve a certain degree of reciprocity. This art consists of giving less than you receive - or, more precisely, giving less than your partner would give in the opposite situation."

Perhaps it is this balance between selfishness and altruism, with averages approaching a 50/50 split, that explains many of the other 50% scores that pop up every now and then in friendship research. Let's remember: only 50% of friends have mutual sympathy, our social media 50% consist of ambivalent relationships. The average person is even able to recognize a lie only 50% of the time. Evolution has made us astute enough not to be fooled, but at the same time has protected us from the inevitable torment that living in a world of absolute hard truth would bring. So we are left with a loophole for compliments and white lies. Similarly, we are able to recognize cheating on the part of friends, but still not too masterfully, otherwise we would risk completely losing faith in people and any desire to maintain friendly relations. Nature has maintained a perfect balance - 50/50.

Psychologist Jan Jager conducted a survey for his book When Friendship Hurts (2002) and found that 68% of respondents had experienced betrayal by friends. Who are these heartless traitors? Why are there so many of them? However, with a figure of 68% - maybe it’s no longer “them”, but “us”?

This scary thought made me wonder: Do we really make an effort to forgive small offenses? Express dissatisfaction before it builds up and forces you to break off the relationship forever? Find time for a long-awaited meeting? Recognize the right of another person not to agree with us on everything? Are we really trying to give generously rather than keep score? Do we put pressure on our friends with unreasonable expectations? Is it true that we do everything we can to maintain our friendship? Well, maybe most of our friends think of themselves this way too. And if they act in an unfriendly way, or if we are pulled away from each other by the natural flow of life, perhaps we should accept that and not label toxic a relationship that we simply no longer want to pursue.

When a relationship ends due to a friend or they disappear from our lives without any explanation, it can be excruciatingly painful. And although it is no secret that the circle of social contacts narrows as we grow older, for some reason we still believe that friendship is forever. The end of a friendship forces us to rethink our own vision of life and self, especially if the friend has been there for many years. While the fresh wound throbs with pain, we rush to brand him or her a traitor.

But sometimes we are forced to leave a friend in order to become ourselves. In her book Connecting in College (2016), sociology professor Janice McCabe states that breaking friendships early in adulthood is an important part of personal development. We inevitably shape our personality and identity based on our environment: we either gravitate toward certain people or are repulsed by them.

While we should all take a look at our friendship behavior and acknowledge our responsibility for the conflicts that sometimes arise in relationships, there are still aspects of friendship that are beyond our control. Eg, a large number of mutual friends and acquaintances can become the cornerstone in an ambiguous situation. Let's say your friend crossed the line, but you don't want to disturb your entire company with your conflict and therefore don't publicly announce that you no longer want to do business with her. You simply move away from her, but gently, so as not to cause open confrontation and not force mutual friends to choose each time which of you to invite to visit. In such cases, we remain chained to “bad” friends forever.

The laws that dictate to us with whom to remain close and whom to let go of sometimes remain a mystery even to ourselves. Think about it: do you have friends who you really like, but whom you haven’t seen for several years? And vice versa: are there in your closest circle those with whom you have never really found a common language? Perhaps the first ones are putting you on the list of “bad” friends at this very moment.

When faced with toxic friendships, painful breakups and disappointments, we experience enormous stress that can cause us not only psychological, but even physical harm. But you must agree that not having friends at all is an even sadder fate. A child will always be desperately looking for a partner to play with, a teenager - someone who “truly understands”, and an adult - someone with whom you can sincerely share the joy of success and the bitterness of failure.

Loneliness can be as painful as hunger or thirst. John Cacioppo, a sociologist at the University of Chicago, has found a connection between loneliness and problems such as depression, obesity, alcoholism, cardiovascular problems, sleep disorders, hypertension, early development Alzheimer's disease, as well as a cynical view of the world and. So as long as you have problems with your friends, you can count yourself lucky: at least it means you have friends.

Friendship is not just an emotional attachment, it is a close relationship based on trust and sincerity. I believe that a true friend will not deceive you under any circumstances. He will find the strength to tell the truth, even if it is not easy for him to do so. I can confirm my point of view with specific examples.

An essay about friendship

There are not many things in the world that are eternal. After all, gold, precious jewelry, exquisite clothes, expensive cars and houses - all these are false, temporary values. Over time, they depreciate, break, deteriorate, and cease to be fashionable. But among the eternal, true values, three things can be named. This is faith, love and friendship. « A true friend is the greatest treasure», « a true friend is known in trouble“How often do you and I hear these proverbs, but how rarely do we think about their real meaning.

In today's time it is very difficult to find true friend. Yes, each of us has many friends, whom I call mayfly butterflies. They are ready to go with you to a movie or a cafe, help you spend money in fashion boutiques, or laugh at a joke. But these friends will never support you in difficult times. Why should they Friend who needs to be helped, who needs to be consoled, wasting your time? They'd rather go with others who are lucky friends to the cinema. And they are not interested in losers.

And here a true friend will never leave you in trouble. No matter what happens, no matter what trouble knocks on your door, a friend will always be there, always ready to help, support, and console. He is ready to sacrifice his time, money and even his life for you. This is the real one friendship, which is an eternal and expensive thing in life. And that's why she's very valuable thing, we must protect and treasure it.

Essay on the topic of Friendship | March 2015

An essay about What is friendship? 9-11 grade

Every person needs a friend - a person close to you in spirit, someone with whom it is interesting to spend time. A friend is that person who will support you both in sorrow and in joy, who will always try to help with advice and deed.

But do all of us know how to be friends? And generally speaking - what is true friendship? It happens that two people constantly communicate, spend a lot of time together, but one of them experiences trouble or joy, and strong friendship as if it never happened.

They usually say about such people that they failed the test. Some of them were afraid of the other’s troubles, did not want to interfere, to worry... And it happens even worse - one friend began to envy the other: his successes, joys, victories... It is not without reason that they say that true friendship is tested not so much by misfortune as by joy.

So what is it, in my opinion, real friendship? I think it should be tested over the years. When people have been friends for many years, they have experienced a lot together and passed the “test of strength.” A true friend, I think, wishes you only the best, tries in every possible way to help, to make your life better. This doesn’t mean that he always says only nice things to you, far from it! On the contrary, a true friend can tell you, one of the few, the whole truth to your face, open your eyes to something, show you where you were wrong. After all, it is very important to stop or point in the right direction in time, to help you understand your mistakes.

Of course, friendship is a two-way concept. Two people should equally value their relationship, protect it, and try to preserve it. And then, in my opinion, friendship will be truly strong and durable.

Essay What is friendship for grades 9, 10, 11 | March 2015

An essay about Real friendship 6-8 grade

If true friendship it wasn’t, then pogrom and war reigned all over the world... But true friendship is a rare occurrence nowadays. You can appear to be your best friend, but not be one. True friendship is, first of all, the confidence that the person you consider your friend will not leave or betray you in difficult times, and will keep what you told him secret. This is the most important thing in true friendship for me! A true friend will never advise anything bad and will try to do everything to make you feel better.

Yes, there will always be someone on earth who can be called true friend. Throughout your life, you will overcome difficult obstacles on your path together, you will do everything together. A true friend is forever, no matter what happens! Even if fate separates you, pleasant memories of this person will remain in your heart!

There are two people in my life so far whom I can proudly name real friends- these are ____ and _____. No matter what happened, they always helped me in difficult times and gave practical advice. I am truly grateful to them for being on earth! I will always remember that there were such girls!

Essay True friendship for grades 6, 7, 8 | March 2015

Essay about Friendship 8-11 grade

What is friendship? Each person understands its meaning in life in their own way: for some it is understanding, for others it is an opportunity to spend their free time in an exciting and unforgettable way. For me, friendship is, first of all, a feeling of support loved one and firm confidence that he will come to the rescue in difficult times. A true friend does not know how to envy, offend or cause pain: social status is not important to him, he is close to you in spirit and understands you perfectly.

It is not necessary that a true friend agreed with your any point of view: it is much more valuable that he supports you, even if he does not agree with your views on life. A true friend can criticize, but will never lie out of flattery or deliberately humiliate. The secrets that you share with a friend remain only between the two of you, and this is how the sincerity of the person’s true attitude towards you is valued and verified.

Friendship is not subject to time, and emotions in communication with a friend do not change: even many years later, people have common topics for conversation, reverent memories and common values ​​in life. A friend is able to forgive you not only minor mistakes, but also serious mistakes and will never reproach you for making mistakes. A true friend is the person with whom you will never get bored, and who will not let you get bored.

In both joy and sorrow, only a devoted and faithful friend should be next to us. But is it possible to sincerely experience true friendship in the modern world, where there are a lot of temptations and enticements?

In my opinion, friendship is the only feeling that is not subject to pretense: it does not tolerate lies and masks. With a true friend, a person does not have the need to hide his character traits, possible shortcomings and pretend to be someone who he really is not.

It seems to me that our generation misunderstands the truth of true friendship. Many of my peers call friends people whom they have known for a short time, whom they still cannot trust, but already call them almost brothers and sisters. Friendship is tested not only over the years, but also through the trials that a person encounters throughout his life.

The basic principle of friendship is loyalty. Trust only strengthens friendship, and the confidence that a person will not betray you will support you - proof of true friendship.

It is important to understand that a friend is not an ideal person: he can make mistakes and ridiculous things. The main thing is that a friend knows how not only to forgive, but also not to harbor grudges.

Essay about friendship for grades 8-11 | March 2015

Mini-essay on the topic Friendship

Option 1. (grades 5-7) Is it possible to live without friendship? No, without friendship our life would not be complete. But only if we mean real friendship, and not one that is built on selfish communication. True friendship is devotion, mutual sympathy, common interests. It’s not for nothing that there is a proverb “A friend is a friend in need.” Friendship is when you are ready to help at any time, to share troubles and sorrows with your friend. A friend will never slander you behind your back. A true friend will be able to say “no” and will always be on your side. Isn't this true friendship? True friendship knows no distance and will always stand the test of time.

Option 2. (grades 6-8) What is friendship? This is joy! Great joy from communication! The joy of having someone close to you who will help you with advice, will always listen and will certainly support you in everything. Only he can be completely trusted. Only from him can you listen to criticism addressed to you without being offended. True friendship, like real love, the phenomenon is quite rare. But if it does exist, then we must take care of it like the apple of our eye. After all, when we lose a friend, we lose a part of ourselves. And we must always remember that it is easy to lose it, but it is incredibly difficult to find it. And the older we get, the more difficult it is. I have a friend! Which means I happy man. So I'm not alone. And he too. And together - the sea is knee-deep, together we will solve any problems, and we will not be afraid of any difficulties and adversities. After all, we Friends!

Option 3. (grades 5-9) What is friendship? Friendship is, first of all, helping a close friend, mutual understanding. A person cannot live without friendship. After all, he needs to communicate and develop. With friends, everything goes quickly, because you can talk to them and ask for help. Some people's friends are a classmate or a classmate, some have a neighbor from the yard. And for me friends this my ! I find it very interesting to work with them, and they always help me. Friendship comes in different forms. Some have been friends since childhood, others met at school. But it doesn’t matter what kind of friendship and who you’re friends with, because we are one, we are a family, and we should be together. There is no such person on Earth who does not have best friend. And I'm sure friendship comes in second place after parents. Make friends with friends, be kind to them and you will be happy!

mini essay on friendship for grades 5-9 | March 2015

Essay about Friendship

Each of us knows how difficult it is for a person to live alone, so we seek friendship. Most often, we subconsciously try to make friends with people of a cheerful disposition, witty, kind, and sympathetic. Over time, we impart these qualities to those we consider friends. But life is not always carefree, sometimes you need help. So who should you turn to if not your friends? And that's when it turns out who's real Friend, and who is so, an acquaintance for spending leisure time together. Is it possible to understand in advance who will be your real friend? It's possible, but it's not that easy. But, in my opinion, there are several traits that are essential for friendship.

Firstly, they say friendship happens between equals, but between slave and master it does not exist.

Secondly, friendship happens between good people. After all, good people are incapable of evil deeds. It’s not for nothing that there is a saying; tell me who your friend is and I will tell you who you are.

Apparently, this topic is really relevant if there are so many thoughts about friendship. So in literature this topic turns out to be one of the leading ones. Panas Mirny wrote about the friendship between Grigory and Chipka in his novel “Do oxen roar when the manger is full?” They knew each other since childhood, but until Chipka became rich, they were just friends. When Chipka gained weight in society and had money, Grigory became his close friend. He invited Chipka to be his godfather, hoping for rich gifts from him. But whether he was a true friend, the reader will see later. When the rebel Chipka was beaten by soldiers and he called for help, his so-called friend Grigory simply hid behind the fence so that it would not affect him. And he didn’t feel sorry for Chipka at all, or for anyone at all except himself.

It turns out that it is true what they say: it is friendship that is made, but misfortune that tests them. In life, a person always finds like-minded people, people who are close in spirit and way of life. After all, there are really so many people around, but only a few friends. What do we strive for in relationships with other people? Sincerity, warmth, concern. Why would another person care about you so much? Because friendship is a mutual concept, unlike love. If you want to be taken care of, be prepared to take care of your friend in the same way. It turns out that a necessary condition friendship is - don't be selfish. To understand this in time means to deprive yourself of disappointment and self-criticism. How often do you hear from some people that they say they have no friends, are lonely... Most often this is true, but has anyone ever wondered why this is so? It seems that we forget that we must be ready to give, and not just take.

Friendship- this is a feeling of sincere desire to give warmth and hope. If only I could find the same one among the many people sincere friend who would think the same way. And check it out - it's not easy. There are many examples of sincere friendship in literature. The images of Niz and Euryalus from I. Kotlyarevsky’s poem “The Aeneid” became a symbol of friendship, because these people were ready to sacrifice their lives for a friend. No less noble were the relationships between the heroines of P. Kulish’s novel “The Black Rada,” and from it we learned how the Cossacks knew how to be friends, and how mutual assistance united them both in battle and in life. That’s why Kirill Tur called his friend Chernogor a brother. In relations with other Cossacks, Kirill Tur was guided by custom and did as his noble heart told him.

Essay on Friendship | February 2015

Did not you find what you were looking for? here's another

Here, Lyubov Mikhailovna, is my last essay in the VIP section, please take a look.

1) It happened on May 28. (2) After school, Sanka Bolshakov and I went to the river. (3) There, near a huge boulder that looked like the petrified mummy of a giant lizard, a ritual was performed. (4) I scratched the skin on my wrist, Sanka did the same. (5) We touched our bleeding forearms to each other and said loudly: “You are my brother.” (6) This is how Sanka Bolshakov and I became blood brothers.
(7) The following spring I lured all my classmates to look for the Sarmatian treasures. (8) I read about the Sarmatians in some history book. (9) Since many centuries ago they roamed somewhere in our area, I reasonably assumed that, in order not to drag around with their goods, they could have buried some of their rich booty somewhere near our village. (10) My story interested all the boys, and we, armed with hope and shovels, went together to look for the treasure. (11) But the path to the hills was blocked by a river. (12) Huge ice floes towered on the shores, like storm-tossed ships, and the water was unbearably cold. (13) All my friends somehow overcame the river, but I didn’t have the courage. (14) They encouraged me, persuaded me, laughed, shouted, intimidated me that they would find the treasure and would not share it with me, but this test was beyond my strength. (15) Then Bolshakov came back for me, put me on his shoulders and, falling into the cold mud up to his chest, wheezing from the strain, crossed to the other bank.
- (16) Big one, why are you dragging him around? (17) Is he disabled? - his classmates attacked him.
- (18) We are brothers by blood! - he answered.
(19) Twenty-four years have passed. (20) I was in a hurry to attend our director’s anniversary. (21) Behind the bridge I saw a broken “five”. (22) I slowed down slightly to understand how it was possible on a level
place to get into an accident. (23) I saw the driver squatting near the crumpled wing. (24) For some reason, I immediately recognized Bolshakov, although I had not seen him since school.
- (25) Sanya, hello! (26) How did you fly in?
- (27) God probably sent you! (28) So you can help me! (29) Some granny with bundles jumped out right in front of my nose. (30) I had to taxi into the obstacle. (31) Will you carry it?
(32) I shook my head.
- (33) Sanya, I can’t! (34) The towing hook in my car is broken - I can’t tow it. (35) So don’t blame me...
- (36) Nothing! (37) I’ll call my friend and he’ll drive him away. (38) How are you?
- (39) Yes, I’m spinning, I don’t see the light. (40) Sorry, I'm late.
- (41) See you again!
- (42) Good luck!
(43) I rushed to the festive evening. (44) Returning home, wrapping myself in a blanket, I once again remembered my meeting with Bolshakov. (45) My memory took me back to childhood, to the bank of a river, to a gray mossy boulder. (46) While performing the ritual, I was afraid of hurting my hand, so I lightly scratched the skin, and the wound soon healed. (47) But Bolshakov did not spare his hand, and a long crimson scar remained on his forearm.
(48) The wind was blowing outside, the snow rustled sadly on the windows, and this quiet sound was like the faint whisper of some memory forever fading into oblivion.
(According to E. A. Laptev)

Is everyone capable of true friendship? This is the question that is in the center of attention of E. A. Laptev

Reflecting on this problem, the author argues that few people know how to truly be friends. The writer cites an episode from the life of two boys who agreed to be “blood brothers.” E. A. Laptev focuses on the fact that only Sanka, who carried the cowardly hero through himself, turned out to be a faithful comrade of the two boys. cold water. The author condemns the grown-up narrator, who comes up with a ridiculous reason: “the towing hook in my car is broken” in order to refuse to help a friend and quickly leave for a festive evening. Only one of the two comrades skillfully plays the role of a true friend.

The position of E. A. Laptev is simple to define: the ability to be a faithful and devoted comrade is not given to each of us.

I share the writer's point of view. Indeed, one must have high moral qualities, enormous power will and desire to become a true and understanding friend. All these traits are very rarely combined in one person, but if this happens, then the result is a faithful comrade. There are many examples in the literature that support this idea.

I remember the heroes of the novel “War and Peace” by L. N. Tolstoy. Pierre Bezukhov and Andrei Bolkonsky are real friends. Pierre, who is quite frivolous and irresponsible in his youth, nevertheless initially has a broad and kind soul. Andrey is a strict and responsible person, with high moral principles. These people know how to truly be friends.

In the novel “The Captain's Daughter” by A. S. Pushkin, Grinev is a straightforward, open and honest person who knows how to make friends. Shvabrin is a liar and a scoundrel who is ready to achieve his goal in the dirtiest ways. He betrays friendship out of jealousy and gloating and tries to kill Grinev. Grinev is a true comrade, but Shvabrin does not know how to be friends.

Thus, only a person endowed with responsibility and loyalty by nature is capable of true friendship.